Sexy Mama

I have always heard that confidence is sexy. It makes you look attractive. It makes you feel attractive. Well, let's just say I am the opposite of confident. When it comes to decisions, I think, rethink, three-think, then ultimately regret (in most cases). Now obviously there are tons of decisions I am proud of. Like, accepting Michael's offer to go on a date around 10 years ago. I'm glad I changed my major from Criminal Justice to Early Childhood Education. I am so glad, though I was scared, that we started trying for a baby....and that baby was Neva. It took until recently, but I know leaving my demanding job was part of a grand plan. I am so happy, though I was worried, that we had Nori so close to Neva. The list is much lengthier than this. The point I am trying to make, is there are great things about me, but I doubt myself alot. Most recently, I have been feeling self conscious about my performance as a mom. This is new. My maternal skills have always been something I was proud of.

This morning started like any other, with my jerking up the phone and trying to get in touch with mama. She sounded okay, but really tired. I felt safe taking the day and dedicating it to my house. The kids started last Friday staying with the most wonderful babysitter you could imagine. I mean, for a worrier like me, she is the jackpot. Her name is Courtney Edwards and I first met her when I hired her as a preschool teacher at my old job. She has a degree in Early Childhood Education. A clean back-ground check. She is CPR and First Aid certified. She has years of childcare experience, with lots of sterling references to prove it. Not to mention, she is the sweetest, most understanding, hugs and kisses -giving caregiver in the world! They will be staying once a week (Fridays), so that I can catch up on things. I know people think a stay at home mom has it made "bon-bons and soap operas" right? Well try "cant find the time to shower regularly" instead. Forget about my house and laundry.....Just forget about it. So I started getting the girls dressed and we headed out the front door. Neva and Nori standing on the front porch, were glancing around the front yard that they used to dwell in so frequently. They were quiet until Neva's eyes found her little Power Wheels Gator that her Gammy and Uncle Bubba got her for her birthday. "MAMA! Can we 'wide' the gator??" Immediately Nori chimed in "ride gator! ride gator!". I responded the same way I do every morning as we are rushing off "not now baby, we can when we get back". She responded quickly with the saddest little face you have ever seen "No, we won't." She walked with her head down to the car. It was like a knife in my heart. A knife of truth. I HAD told them everyday that we would come home and ride. And every DAY turned into night and there was no time. I rode with a lump in my throat all the way to Courtney's house. I felt guilt for the lack of fun time for the kids. For my needing a babysitter in the first place.....for everything.

                                                               Ms. Courtney and the Girls
After I dropped them off, I called Michael sobbing. I always feel emotional leaving them anywhere, but it was way worse today. I explained to Michael that the guilt was overwhelming. Working mom's, they feel this everyday, bless their hearts. That is why I left work. But now my mom needs me, and trust me, I am not complaining. She couldn't STOP me from coming if she wanted to. I just wish I could better balance things. I really feel like my little babies are getting ripped off. Used to, a normal day (that didn't involve gymnastics, the library, Papaw the Great's house, or a ballgame), was a good hot breakfast AT THE TABLE, followed by a few cartoons, then an art activity, next came outside time, then a non-fast-food lunch, then nap. After nap, Gammy was off work and we would go visit! Life was fun and it was centered around them. It made me tired...But it made me feel like Supermom. Now their days are filled with poptarts, car-rides, appointments, happy meals, and late naps then hanging out at Gammy's house until all hours because mommy is worried sick. Mommy is ALWAYS on edge and rarely wants to play anymore. Michael assured me that they are fine, and that they WILL BE FINE. He told me that my time right now, is best spent with my mama. I agree, but the guilt. Oh the guilt.

I spent about and hour and a half on my house (barely a dent) and I started getting worried. I couldn't reach mom over the phone so I called Amber, who reading my mind, was already on her way over there. At 12:00, mom was in the bed. She had woke up long enough to speak to me on the phone, then went straight back to bed. Amber arrived and mom mustered up the energy to open her eyes, then went back to sleep, again. Amber was concerned. I dropped what I was doing and headed that way. When I walked in, I asked her to get dressed. "Nikki" she said sadly, "just let me rest baby". "Mom" I said sternly, "something is wrong now, we have got to go". She listened like a ticked off teenager. Once at the clinic, I broke down talking to my mom about the girls. I was crying and venting my guilt. Mama grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye "You are the best mom that there is, do you understand me? You run around like crazy and you rarely leave those kids. You always have them. You are a GREAT mom" she barked. She seemed a little irritated at my broken heart. I continued to cry. "You need to stop all this", she said, obviously worried about my fragile emotional state. "Now, I'm driving MYSELF to radiation next week", she declared. "No mama! I'm not compl-....." She interrupted "I know you're not complaining, but I can do things for myself, now, you let me!". The conversation ended there. Whether mom likes it or not, I will still be taking her everywhere and going to her house everyday, but man, did it feel good to hear her say I was a good mama. She don't sugar coat stuff either. She will tell me if she thinks Im over reacting or justified in my thoughts. I felt so much better, but still there are changes to be made.

the kids had a great time at Ms. Courtney'sbut were happy to see mommy and gammy

Turns out, mama was right. Her bloodwork revealed some good levels. Not great, but better. She really does just need to rest. So we picked the kids up, and headed to her house. Instead of hanging out until 10:00, I left around 7:30. When we got home, even though it was dark, guess who kept their word?

We had the porch lights on and mine and Michael's headlights. That's right, Michael saw what was happening outside, knew I needed it and decided to join in. It was great.

We are going to be okay. All of us. Things are hard right now, but I am tough. They are tough. Life is going to go on. They KNOW that I love them, because I tell them frequently and show them even more often than that. My mama taught me how to do that. We ARE going to be okay. I CAN do this.

I have insecurity issues, probably always will, but after talking to mama and having this great night, I gotta tell ya, I'm feeling pretty darn confident right now....