Rantings of a Surviving Baby

Dear Gammy,

Guess what?!? I am almost EIGHT months old! Can you believe that? I still remember when I was in Mommy's tummy all protected and cozy.  I remember my mom felt sad and scared a lot, because I kind of felt it too. I think it was because you were sick. You and my mom were always together! I could always hear y'all talking and laughing. It was nice in there, but the day I decided to come out was a great day! I met my mommy, my daddy, and I also met you. I remember looking at your face, Gammy. I thought you were beautiful! But I could see that you didn't feel good....I was sad on my birthday when you decided to leave the hospital and go home. But, Mommy said you needed rest. I needed some rest too. The nurses and my Mommy took good care of me while you were at home. When we left the hospital I was so excited because my mommy brought me to your house! You held me and kissed me so much. I decided immediately that you were my favorite friend. You told everyone how pretty I was. Your last big smile was when you opened your weary eyes and Uncle Josh said "Look, Gammy, Mili is here". You looked at me sleepily, and smiled so big. I think I was your favorite friend too. I was with Mommy the morning you decided to go Home. She was crying and holding you. I wondered why she was so upset. Uncle Bubba and Josh were sad too. I stayed very quiet and tried to be sweet for my mommy.

 Since you went Home, I have been having a blast! I love to roll around and eat tiny things off the floor. Sometimes, Mommy catches me and takes them away. But, most of the time, I eat away. I finally showed Mama that I could sit up. She had been trying to get me to show her for a while, but I kind of liked the way she giggled when I threw myself back....Besides, she was always there to catch me. I'm trying to learn to crawl, and I've almost got it! My favorite thing to do is play with my sisters. Neva is the "protective one". She likes to put blankets on me to keep me warm, she gives me bottles, and she changes my diaper sometimes when Mommy's not looking. Mommy won't let her hold me and walk around, but she asks all the time. I sure do love my Neva. Nori, is the "loving one". She is always kissing me and hugging me. She tells me that I am "cute" all the time. I love to pull her curly hair. I grab it and jerk as hard as I can! It's ok, Nori don't mind. She usually giggles. Nori is my best friend. My daddy works a lot, but when he's home, he holds me and kisses me over and over. He kisses my sisters too. Sometimes, they start throwing pillows at each other and laughing really loud. I don't really get it, but it makes me smile. Mommy yells when daddy throws the nice pillows....So daddy usually throws one at her, and she laughs. Yeah Gammy, I have a pretty good family.

After you left, Mommy cried a lot. There were some days that she didn't smile at all! Me and my sisters wanted to help her, but I heard her tell daddy "you can't help me. No one can", over and over again. He was worried too. Sometimes I could hear her crying in the bathroom and begging God to help her understand. I'm not sure why. There were some days that Mommy must have been very tired, because she never took off her pajamas. I would hear her crying and telling my daddy "I miss my friend". Yes, there were some bad days in the beginning. But, even on her worst day, my Mommy still hugged me and kissed me and took good care of me. Now, she has lots of good days too. She sings me songs and kisses me all over. She talks about you all the time, Gammy. When it's just me and her, she tells me how much she misses you. She says "I bet you would LOVE to play with your Gammy", and "Your Gammy used to sing this to me", or "I wish you knew your Gammy". Late at night when my sisters and I are in bed, Mommy walks and looks in on us. She stands there for a long time. She always says "Thank you, God, for my beautiful, perfect babies". I think me and my sisters are Mommy's favorite friends. She is going to be ok, Gammy, don't worry. We will take good care of her and keep her very busy.

Well, Gammy, it's almost time for my bottle, and then comes nap time. So, I guess I am going to end this letter now. I know you are doing great (even though I can't see you), because the night that you left, you went to Heaven. It's kind of fuzzy now, but I still kind of remember Heaven, and it's wonderful! I know that you are not sick and you are not hurting anymore. Your body is so healthy and perfect. I know that you are with Jesus, now. I am so happy for you! And one glorious day, when it is time, we will all be together again.

Will you do me a favor, Gammy? Tell Jesus "Thank You", for choosing this incredible family for me. I am right where I need to be.

I love you Gammy!

Love,

Baby Mili

Mama's Secret

There's something I think about all the time. I am intrigued by it. I am inspired by it. I am, quite frankly, a little dumbfounded by it. I get it, but really I don't..............but I want to.................

I always feel like I am running around like crazy......Some days, I look up and the moon has made it's way out and I haven't even took my kids outside to play, or I haven't laughed....Like really laughed, or I haven't held my girls and read to them, or I haven't kissed the love of my life, or I haven't prayed enough..... or at all. These are the days I hate. I worry there are too many of these days. Then again, I have this magical ability to worry about nothing. I mean everything AND nothing. I will prove it:

Here's the tip of the iceberg:

• I worry that I don't spend enough QUALITY time with my kids
• I worry that I spend TOO much time with my kids
• I worry that I am not contributing to our household financially
• I worry that Michael has too much on his plate
• I worry that the kids don't get enough of him
• I worry about that smell under my kitchen sink
• I worry that I am not good enough...At anything...
• I worry about my big brother and his blood pressure even though he says its fine
• I worry about my little brother and the fact that he hides his emotions
• I worry about Amber taking on too much and trying to be Superwoman
• I worry about Sharon, Punkin and Ricky and their grieving (my mama's siblings)
• I worry that I may be addicted to The Real Housewives Franchise
• I worry about Neva and her constant talking about mom
• I worry about accidentally mowing another piece of firewood with Michael's zero turn
• I worry about losing one of my kids in wal mart
• I worry about killing , harming,  reprimanding too sternly one of my kids in wal mart
• I worry about wrecking my car
• I worry about Michael wrecking his truck
• I worry about everyone wrecking their vehicles
• I worry that nice lady from the Relay for Life meeting is mad at me because I stole her pen (I didn't mean to) (but it's an awesome pen)
• I worry about my mother in law not taking care of herself
• I worry about someone visiting my house when there's no where to sit because the laundry is everywhere
• I worry after a conversation how I sounded...Dumb? Nervous? Inconsiderate? Rude?
• I worry that I might take a cruise one day, and the ship might sink
• I worry that I might fly in an airplane one day, and the plane might crash
• I worry that my worrying will make the kids worry
• I worry that I waste too much time worrying and I will regret it one day

 I spared you the more ridiculous ones, the more creepy ones and just how specific and detailed the worries can get. My faith has helped tremendously, and I know it will alleviate alot more as I grow into a more mature Christian. My mom used to stay on me about my worrying. But, she was a worrier as well. Nothing like me. But, still a worrier none the less. In fact, I always blamed her for making me this way...Of course, I took it to the next level (or the next).  In her last 6-8 months, she knew her time was growing short. I watched her change. The little problems that once would have eaten her alive, suddenly became funny. The bigger problems that she once would have found undefeatable, suddenly became vincible. She didn't get bogged down in the "he-said, she-said" like she might have just a little while earlier. She let grudges go. She avoided conflict at all costs. Gossip wasn't fun to her anymore. Though my hand had always existed, it suddenly became irresistible to her. She held it constantly. She laughed,(a good hearty laugh), every chance she got. The things once ranked high on her list (work, running errands....just running, running, running etc),  became less important and were replaced by the real important things (God, family, love, soaking up each moment etc).  The moments that used to fly by, became longer and sweeter, because they were filled with life....not what "we make into life"...but real life. Everything ssslllllooooowwweeeddd down. She walked and talked slower. She took time to notice and stood in awe of the tiny things that once would have been insignificant. She recognized and was thankful for all the magical gifts God gives us, like the colors in the sky as the sun was setting, or the smell of the salty beach that she loved so much. When the beauty of Autumn caused the trees to let go of their beloved brilliantly colored leaves, she held hands with her grand babies and taught them to catch them as they drifted down to the earth. She began to be more honest about her feelings.  She told everyone that she loved them, and it wasn't just words. She hugged everyone, and it wasn't just an action. She was so calm and content. It was amazing.

Like I said, it's something I think about all the time. I am intrigued by it. I am inspired by it. I am, quite frankly, a little dumbfounded by it. I get it, but really I don't............but I want to...................I noticed her tremendous change in the moment, but in hindsight, its mind boggling. My mama's last months here with us were beautiful. They were sickly. They were priceless. They were sad. They were perfect. As you can see, I have very mixed emotions. But the specific behavior I am talking about...The thing that invades my every thought, is how my mom prioritized everything so differently in the end. Her priorities actually appeared to have flipped upside down. Her thought process seemed to change. Her actions and reactions changed. As she faced the end of her life, her life changed. It changed for the better. Much, much better. I can't help but wonder, what did she know that I don't?

Signature Scent

Have you ever asked someone what kind of perfume or cologne they were wearing, only to be denied the answer to your question? I've learned to not ask, because it's kind of awkward when that happens. It's their "signature scent", so they keep it a secret. It makes them feel confident, attractive, relevant, desired and unique--so they don't want to share it. They want those things all for themselves. I don't fully understand the mentality, but I guess it's truly not my business in the first place.

Anyway, I wanted to talk a little about ____________.

See, I grew up not knowing a whole lot about _________. My parents never took me to church...Not once. I don't think this made them bad people. I think they raised us the way that they were raised. I can't blame them, because by the time I was 28, "church" had became so foreign to me that I was a little intimidated about attending and taking my children. I'm sure my parents felt the same way. __________ was never talked about. I knew nothing about Him. Nothing. Well, besides He was the reason for Christmas. I wasn't interested as a teen. Church was a place for folks that could afford to dress alot better than me. Plus, "church people" were kind of mean. I remember a man telling me when I was around 17, that if I didn't start going to church I was "doomed to hell". Yes, I am serious. What happens when you lay an ultimatum like that on a rebellious teen? Not compliancy, I can tell you that. I went through my early twenties knowing that something was missing, but completely oblivious to what it was. I was around 24 when I first recognized __________ pulling me toward Him. I ignored His call. Then, I was 28 years old when my mom got sick and my world turned upside down. It seemed Brother Robby, (specifically him), had been after me and Mama for years to come to church. We always had an excuse. For Mama, her excuse was work. She worked all day every Sunday. My excuse?? Well, it wasn't quite so valid. But, Bro. Robby never gave up on us. There was subtle encouragement and an endless amount of invites over the years. The moment word got out about my mom being sick, he was there. Mom knew a lot of preachers from working at David's. But, it was Brother Robby that showed up at her house in those first dark days. He talked to her about _________. He was curious about her salvation. He invited her, once again, to attend Journey Church. After the initial chemo treatment cleared Mom's airways enough for her to function again, she asked me to attend church with her. I was mad at __________. I didn't understand why MY mom had to be sick. I truly had no desire to reach out, though I was very, very lost. But I went, for her. I'll never forget my first experience walking in Journey's doors. I was nervous. I was scared. I was doubtful. I didn't think I or my situation could be "fixed". But, immediately after the first sermon and the shower of love we received, in those our darkest days, I recognized a familiar feeling. It was ____________, calling me again. This time, I answered. I walked in those doors countless times with my little sick Mama holding my hand. Listening to _______'s word was yet another thing that Mama and I loved doing together. Sitting right there with tons of people in the same room, __________ entered and conquered both of our hearts. First mine, then hers. When she was down, the people of Journey flooded our house with food and love and prayer. Brother Robby was front and center. Though he had countless duties and people to attend to, he never missed an opportunity to go sit and talk with Mama on her front porch. When she passed, there was an eery calmness about her, me, Ronnie and Josh. And I know why. She knew ________ was waiting. We knew she was with ______________.

I went my ENTIRE life not attending church. Hey, I get it. Sunday is your only day off. It's family day. It's football day. It's hunting day. It's laundry day. I totally get it. And you know, there's something completely annoying about the "Holy Roller" that condemns you because you are not a church goer. I don't think I was a bad person two years ago, when I could count on one hand how many times I had visited a church with friends. I also don't think going to church makes you a good person. Church, no church.....In the end it's all about ________. And, I can tell you this, I could not have handled my Mama's illness, and her death without _______. Please don't misunderstand and think I am exaggerating for effect. I COULD NOT HAVE HANDLED IT. I still face bad days all the time in her absence, and _______ gets me through them.

I don't know all the rules. But I would think you could take _________into your heart sitting on your couch right now. But it sure is nice to be in a laid back, casual atmosphere like Journey. With people just like you: Facing problems and all the difficulties that life brings, just like you... and desiring _______just like you. Listening to ______'s word be delivered by Brother Robby and the awesome music is just icing on the cake. I believe it was no coincidence that I walked in Journey that first time. Somewhere in my mind I thought it would just be a visit. An isolated event. But, that one visit lead to many more. And now, my life has changed forever. I owe everything, EVERYthing to __________.

Unlike the lady with her perfume, I want to share what makes me feel confident, attractive, relevant, desired, unique....... competent, loved, capable, free, promised, assured, prepared, and most of all, complete......You know why? Because I want you to feel it as well. Jesus is my "signature scent". Make Him yours too.

I was never good at keeping secrets.

I'll save ya a seat at Journey.

Gammy Day

Dear Mama,

 

Remember last year around this time? We threw you a lil surprise party. You were definitely surprised!

All your friends and our whole family was there. Though you were very tired and not really having the best day health wise, you laughed and smiled and had a great time. It felt so good to see you like that.

 

 You cried through the slide show that Josh made you. The whole day was honoring you....You were not used to receiving so much attention. You got lots of gifts and tons of hugs and kisses. It was a great day.

 

A whole year has passed.

 



Today had the potential to be the saddest day yet. With the installation of the headstone, yesterday was a definite contender. I cried the better part of yesterday. But today....Today could have been really bad. Really, Really, Really bad.

 

So, thanks to an idea I got from Jamina, We declared today "Gammy-Day".

What would Gammy Day be, without the kids getting a mysterious brown bag??.....

 

Inside the brown bag? None other than the three c's.

 

We made some of your favorite foods...."Smothered Steak n' gravy" and all the fixin's...

 

Amber made the most precious and delicious Gammy Day cake..

 

We talked about you....a lot...

 

We hung out with the kids....

 

We goofed off and kept it light....

 

We enjoyed each other's company....

 

We enjoyed visiting with our extra company....Daddy and Kim..

 

We stayed up past our bed times and celebrated your life....

 

It was a beautiful, beautiful life...

 

This isn't exactly the gift we had in mind for you for such a significant milestone.

But, I still hope you like it.

 

There's your rainbow up top...And what would your birthday be, without some sappy poem that I wrote you.

 

I know you love to decorate for the Fall season. It's your favorite. I thought you might like this...

 

Ronnie got you some sweet red roses, and Punkin made that beautiful bouquet on top.

 

Today could have defeated each of us, I think. And, I would be lying if I said our hearts don't hurt. I would be lying if I said there were no tears shed. But we kept our heads high and stood side by side and faced our sadness together. And we conquered it. I think you would be so proud.

 

Happy Gammy Day, Mama.

 

Happy 50th Birthday.

 

I love you.

 

I sure wish I could have seen you blow out the candles.....

 



 

 

 

 

 

Love,

 

Nikki 

Seven Months

Dear Mama,

Today marks seven months since you left. I think I speak for all of us when I say, that we think of you constantly. We talk about you nonstop. We miss you so much. But, we're all okay, Mom. I mean, we're good for what the situation is.

Ronnie's football season is off and rolling. They have a bunch of really young players, so the season (so far) hasn't been jam packed with victories. But they are excited to see will happen as these boys mature, perfect their talents, and gain more experience on the field. He gets really, REALLY stressed out before a game, and it even effects him physically. I worry about him all the time, but I know he is doing what he loves.

Josh has been busy as well. His job definitely keeps him going. Remember when he announced that he was changing jobs. You were excited but scared for him. We all were. We all knew how close he is to Amber and the boys, and how difficult out of town jobs would be on him. We reassured ourselves by thinking, "well, at least he's not going offshore". I got to tell ya mom, the unpredictability of his job is crazy! He never knows when he might be leaving and how long he might be gone. But he enjoys what he's doing and handles it wonderfully.

Amber is amazing. She can do it all! She can raise sweet heart little boys, get a degree, sub all day, get all of her laundry done, mow the grass and then have supper on the table. She is trying to sub as much as possible and get a foot in the door of her future job, the teaching profession. She was already qualified to teach 7th-12th grade, but after passing the Praxis II the other day, she can now teach 4th -12th. She's trying to balance her desire to stay home with the boys with her passion for teaching and she is definitely in a tug of war. As you know she is very strong in her faith, so I am sure she will pray until she finds the answer she is looking for.

Michael is all over the place. Lots of big things are happening for him. Of course he is still managing Shipley's, as he will forever and always. But, he is also getting more involved in real estate/rental properties and he recently even attained his license to sell used vehicles. All of this is in addition to his duties out here on the farm. Usually he is gone in the mornings long before 4am and he comes in around dark every night. You always said he was a workaholic. That's never been more prevalent than it is right now. I am happy that he is chasing his dreams and I will stand by him the whole way.

Neva is doing better. She still talks about you alot. I have said it before, that I figured SEVEN months in, I would be showing the girls pictures to keep your memory alive. But it still blows my mind everyday, when she talks about you like you were here yesterday. She is so smart, Mama. Of course, I know I don't have to tell you that. Her emotions seem to be more in control. She's doing great. But, there are still moments: The other day, she got in trouble for pushing her sister. I scolded her and put her in her room. When she came out, she had drawn a picture. She showed it to me with a trembling lip. She explained that in the picture, she was leaving Earth and flying to a new planet. As she spoke, she began to cry. Like, really cry. I picked her up and held her and asked repeatedly why she was crying. I mean, she gets in trouble a million times a day, why cry this time? She finally calmed down and told me that the reason she wanted to fly to another planet was to see you, her Gammy. I started to cry. I told her that was the sweetest thing I had ever heard. But I reminded her that we couldn't fly to see you (this isn't the first time she has suggested us flying to Heaven), but in fact we must wait here until God calls for us to come join you. Then I distracted her with a trip to the local park here in Sandersville. She is my sweet heart. She is just so sweet and sensitive. She's my helper --just like I used to be for you. She still hurts for you, but I can see her healing.

Nori....Oh my goodness, where do I start? Nori is hilarious. She has a HUGE vocabulary but all anyone ever hears is "NO!". Her hair is unreal. I really thought those curls would be gone by now, like Neva's are. But, it's even curlier than when you saw her last. It's just plain beautiful. Mama, this little girl can dance like nothing I have ever seen. She's so great at it, that I have signed her up for a local dance class. During her first class, she really clammed up and wanted me to hold her. I didn't really realize it, but I think I have some "pageant mom" in me! It was killing me that she would not perform. But, by the end of the class she had warmed up and was a little more involved. I really look forward to seeing what this class does for her socially. She talks about you, when Neva does. Every now and then it is unprompted, and this always baffles me because she had JUST turned two when you passed. How could she possibly remember? We will go somewhere for the first time since you passed and she'll say "We used to come here with GAMMY!" Part of me loves it, and part of me hurts when they talk about their memory of you so vividly. Nori, for whatever reason, makes me think of you all the time. I think it is because I wish so badly, I could hear what you'd have to say about her now. She's my angel, but she is just bad to the bone and I think you would love it. I think you and her would have got in some trouble together.

Mili...is...my.....heart.. Oh my goodness, Mom, I wish so bad....SO BAD that you could be here to see her and experience her. She is the best baby EVER. I mean it. She is just precious. She's so sweet. She smiles non stop and giggles constantly at her sisters. The older two just adore her, so they dote on her. ( She might be just a little spoiled). She has two teeth, but eats table food like she's got a mouthful of teeth, she rolls EVERYWHERE, and is getting up on all fours and rocking more and more every day. But this kid will NOT sit up. She can, I've seen her do it. Unassisted. But usually she starts smiling and throws herself back, like it's a game or something. Just recently, she has developed, what I am thinking is, a stranger anxiety. If someone new gets in her face and talks to her she starts crying. The other night at bible study, the nursery workers had to send for me TWICE, because she wouldn't calm down. Then, I came walking out of the bedroom with my hair up in a towel, the other morning and it was obvious that she didn't recognize me and she flipped out. She actually lost her breath! Michael can hold her for about a second before she starts reaching for me. This is new and I hope it passes quickly, because no one benefits from a baby being that attached to her mom and that scared of others. If you were here, I know you would demand that I leave her with you a couple times a week to get her used to being away from me. Or at least, that is the cover that you would use to get some time with your youngest lil grand baby.

Let's see....Who's left?? Oh yeah...Me....

I'm attending most of Ronnie's games, with all three girls in tow. Amber and I are getting the kids together as much as we can, and then again during our family dinner every week. I have received no degrees, passed no tests, coached no one, and made no money. I don't work outside the home, yet my laundry is overflowing, you have to put forth great effort to step on a part of the floor that isn't covered with toys, and my car looks like we live in it--but need to be evicted. However, I have done my absolute best to put my sadness aside and be a good mom. Nori is in dance, Neva resumes gymnastics this week, I do a lesson with them most everyday and work with Mili on reaching her milestones. We ride bikes everyday and go to the park a couple times a week. We are a little more active at Journey, so with all the running and activities, going to the gym seemed like a waste of time and gas. However, I do miss that glorious hour to myself. I am almost never without my girls. I sometimes yearn for a career and Independence. Just like all moms, (I'm sure you did this too), I feel sometimes I would give anything for a quiet moment. An uninterrupted shower would be nice. The ability to clean without having to stop and break up arguments, change a diaper or put the curtains back up after they've been jerked down would be good. The ability to read or write some time other than 1 or 2am, would be great. But then I remind myself of the commitment I made to these kids, to myself and to Michael. You knew the plan. I would devote myself entirely to them until they started school. I would give them what I had as a small child. I planned to give them my undivided attention until they each started kindergarten--and that's exactly what I am going to do. About once a week ( or more) when I get to that breaking point where I feel like I might blow a gasket, I remember that this is just a moment in time. I will blink and Mili will be graduating high school and this will be but a mere sweet memory that makes me happy and sad. I will want this day back. I know I will. I won't remember the stressful stuff. Or perhaps I will remember it, but it won't seem quite so stressful to a more mature Nikki. That Nikki will have plenty of quiet time to herself that is uninterrupted. She will have a career. She will have the things that I don't have now, but she will wish to have this craziness back. When I think of this, I am encouraged to suck it up and enjoy my blessings. So I do. I know you were always worried about me doing this alone. Bless his heart, Michael isn't a whole lot of help to me physically. Emotionally, I always have a shoulder. But as far as literal physical help--his plate is beyond full already. But I'm okay, Mama. It's hard, but I've got this. I think you're probably pretty proud of me.  I hope so, anyway.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to talk to you. I have so many questions about the kids. I have questions about everything. I miss you helping me without my even asking. I miss the praise, I won't lie. It didn't matter how messy my house was, or how the kids might misbehave, or how much extra weight I was carrying or throwed together I looked---you always thought I was the best wife and mother and you thought I was beautiful. It really doesn't matter if anyone else says those things, because I wouldn't believe it without you saying it. There was just something about you. You were so brutally honest, that when something came out of your mouth, I knew it had to be true. Yours were the only words that could defeat my low self esteem, if only for a moment. I miss your laugh. Your absolutely contagious laugh. I miss your ability to cuss and it not sound vulgar, it was just funny. I miss your smell. I miss the feel of your cheek brushing mine after a tight warm hug. I miss you kissing my forehead. I miss you holding my hand. I miss your wise advice. I miss your calming words. I miss your sick sense of humor. I miss fixing your hair. I miss our road trips. I miss your sarcasm. I miss those beautiful green eyes of yours. I miss your sympathetic smile. I miss your hands. I miss my friend. I miss my mama. I miss you.

Every time I see a butterfly, I think you sent it to me. Every time I see a unique cloud formation with a beautiful ray of sunshine peeking through and lighting even the cloudiest day, I think you created it. When the girls say something cute, or especially when they say something vulgar, I think you whispered it to them. When A beautiful bird soars over and shows each colorful feather stretched out with all it's majesty, I think you're behind it. Those rare moments when I am alone, I think you are sitting next to me. When I hear Neva playing and talking to herself in her room, I wonder if you're there. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I cannot control these thoughts. I think it and feel it every time, and, it brings a smile to my face. If it's not true, don't tell me, please. Ignorance is bliss.

We all miss you and hurt for your loss everyday. But we are doing exactly what you wanted us to do, Mama. We are staying together. We are doing our best. We are moving forward. We are living.

You will never know the full extent of my love and admiration for you. It can't possibly be put into words.

I love you lil lady.

Talk to you soon...

Love,

Nikki

Dear Nikki

My sister in law, Amber, sent me me a poem she found online. It was worded as though the author was in Heaven, and the recipient was still here on earth. It was beautiful and uplifting, yet also sad and I ended up crying as I read. After I read it, I sat there and thought....If Mom really wrote me right now, what would she say? Just like everything else that pops in my mind, this thought didn't come and go. It lingered and I dwelled on it. I thought and thought and rethought and over thought....Then, I decided to write for you what I thought she might write to me:


My sweet baby girl,

The days leading up to my passing were so hard on you and the boys. I was so worried about y'all and I wanted to comfort you and reassure you, but I couldn't. My body would not do a single thing I wanted it to. I couldn't get my mind to think clearly. It was so aggravating! I'm sorry about the night that I fell, I know y'all were scared to death. I just wanted to be well, so I tried to make myself well. When I eased out of bed that night, I didn't know my legs had stopped working. I'm sorry about that whole night. I know you and the boys still think of it often and it hurts your hearts to remember me that way. I thought if I fought hard enough, I could make my body work. I was wrong, Nikki. The day before God came and got me, was a tough one for you kids. All the family and friends were there. But, I know how alone you three felt. I know you, Nikki, felt pulled in million directions. You didn't like being separated from your girls, your baby was a week and a half old, and you were losing your mom. Ronnie was quiet and keeping to himself. He came in and talked to me alot as I lay in my bed. I wanted to hold him so badly. I could just feel his heartache. Josh never wanted anyone to see his emotions....Even me. I know he was hurting, but he felt it was his responsibility to appear strong for the family. When Hospice asked you to do things for me that I did for you as an infant, I knew it was time for me to head Home. I never wanted you kids to care for me in that way. You know that. So, that faithful morning as you three stood over me crying and saying the nicest things and making my heart swell with love, I decided to let go of life there on earth and be free. I saw y'all crying and hugging one another. You were so strong. I am so very, very proud of y'all.

The funeral was beautiful. You did everything I asked you to do. Justin, Robyn, and Josh honored my memory with lovely singing performances. And Brother Robby is just wonderful. I've always thought so. Ronnie was so thoughtful to put that slide show together for me. I know, as he was losing me, looking at all those photos was very, very difficult for him. He did a great job, though. But, then again, he's always been good at that kind of stuff. I saw how self conscious you were that day. Mili was only two weeks old, Nikki. You can't expect to have lost all your weight by then. I can't believe you even wasted a moment thinking about that. You have GOT to stop worrying so much about frivolous things. Please don't waste another moment worrying. Y'all did a great job holding up and greeting all of my guests at the funeral. There was nothing easy about walking away from the grave that day, but y'all did it so bravely.

Since the funeral, alot has been happening. I saw you crying and begging God to help you understand several times. I saw you snapping at the girls, though they were just being kids. I saw you struggle to get out of bed, and moping when you did. I saw you yelling at Michael, that he "didn't understand". I saw your frustration with the extended family and I saw the resentment building in your heart for things that were said and done, or not said and not done.. I saw your anger building back up, as it was when I was first sick, before you found God. I saw everything, Nikki. I saw it. And baby, I am not disappointed. I promise. Far from it. How could I ever be? Your worrying must stop. It just must! I've also seen some great things. I've seen you praying and talking to God. You thank him for your blessings repeatedly. I've seen you and the boys get together every weekend. I've seen y'all talking frequently and supporting one another. I've seen you working with those girls, playing with those girls, hugging and kissing those girls and cuddling and giggling with those girls. They are so lucky to have you. I 've seen you doing things to help others, in my honor. I've seen you advising Michael to cherish his moments with his parents. I've seen you and him leaning on one another for support in difficult times. I've seen you trying to put a smile on and forget hurtful things that have been said by family members. I've seen you trying to move forward. I've seen you reading the Bible and trying to strengthen your relationship with God. I've seen...and I still see. And oh my goodness, I could not be prouder of all three of my babies.

Nikki, you have to know that this is what He wanted. Baby, it may not make sense to y'all, but it is that way it must be. You have to trust that there is a Grand Plan in the works and February 17th at 4:39am, was my time to participate first hand in the unfolding of The Plan. I do miss you sweetheart. All of you. And my beautiful grand babies....Oh my goodness, how I long to hold them. But I do not hurt like you, because I can see what you can't, baby. You can't see it yet, but you must have faith. There is a beautiful place where we will all be together again, and there will be no pain, or loss or suffering. Though that day will bring such happiness, I want you to enjoy your time on Earth. I want you to live your life to the fullest. I want you to stop wasting time worrying. I want you to laugh from your belly, and play like a child. I want you to work like I taught you and help when you can. I want you to love the unlikeable, I want you to forgive the unforgivable, and more than anything, I want you to love God, trust His Plan, and pray constantly. Cling tight to your faith, because it will bring you to Heaven with God and me, when your journey ends. Until then, I will proudly watch over each one of you.

I love you so much baby.

Bushel and a peck...

Hug around the neck...

and all my heart.

Give the girls a kiss for me.

Love,

Mama

The Epiphany at Cross Pointe

I attended a funeral at Cross Pointe Church today. Actually, it wasn't a funeral, but a celebration of a beautiful life lived by Todd Martin. He was the father in law to one of my sweetest, dearest friends, Courtney Edwards. I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but after meeting his wonderful wife, and a slew of his family and friends, and watching a touching slide show of his life and legacy, I know he was a very special man. He was a Christian, strong in his faith, and seemingly passionate about his love for God. From what I understand, three months ago, this active 43 year old non-smoker started seeing some symptoms that alarmed him. Several tests and appointments later, his family was coming to terms with the fact that he had an inoperable stage 3-b lung cancer. His family rallied and stood by him through treatments that brought horrible side effects, but didn't phase the cancer. Finally, he decided to stop treatment. After conversing with Hospice, his gorgeous daughter decided to move up her wedding date. Unfortunately, Mr. Martin passed the Friday before his daughter's Sunday wedding...Just 3 short months after being diagnosed.......

 

I HATE CANCER...

 

I freaking despise it.

 

Cancer can ravage your body

Cancer can destroy your thought process

Cancer can steal your energy

Cancer can take your hair

Cancer can rob you of your smile

Cancer can take your ability to work

Cancer can bring you debt

Cancer can tear families apart

Cancer can bring out the worst in you

Cancer can steal your appetite

Cancer can affect remaining moments

Cancer can hurt, emotionally and physically

Cancer can drain your tear ducts

Cancer and radiation can burn your body

Cancer can ruin your plans

Cancer can break your heart

Cancer can change your life forever

 

 At Mr. Martin's life celebration, there was an awesome band that played several songs. Everyone sang and worshipped. I mean, this church was pretty incredible. Several people spoke too. When his wife came up, her speech was simple but oh so powerful. Her message was obvious, but I had never seen it. She said, through a cracking voice:

 

"Cancer didn't kill Todd. God took him Home"...

 

That was it.

 

Then she walked to her seat.

 

When the Pastor took the stage, he followed up with "God is always in control". These comments blew me away. My heart found it's way up to my throat and I had to fight off the monsoon of tears that was threatening to fall. How could I love Christ so much, but be blaming cancer for taking my mom? Why am I wasting my energy hating cancer? Instead, I should be crediting God, for relieving her of her suffering when he did. God took her, not the cancer...He is ALWAYS in control.....I like that thought.....I love it, actually.

 

I sniffled and wiped away tears through most of the funeral, though this man was a total stranger. In part, because I was hurting for this precious family, but also because I was reminded of my mom and our story that played out so similar to this one, not too long ago.

 

 

On the car ride home, I started thinking about all those nasty things that cancer did to me and my family, and countless families all over the world....Then, I thought about Mrs. Martin's words. Suddenly, it hit me...

 

Cancer can do alot of things. It can take away so much....

 

But it can NEVER take your faith.
 

 

My mom and Mr. Martin will forever be proof of that fact.

 

Please keep this lovely family in your prayers.

Time Machine

You ever notice how a smell, or a song or a place can take you back in time? The smell of Fall takes me back to a 15 year old cheerleader, eager to impress her friends and desperate for things to be different at home. Any song by Def Leopard, transports me to my big brother's old 'yota, and how I felt so cool when he took me places in it. Walking in David's Grocery, (my favorite job of ALL time), reminds me of a 19 year old girl--madly in love with her first real boyfriend and oblivious to what she wants to do with her life. Yes it is true, we don't need some new invention....some actual vehicle to take us back. All we need is a trigger, and few minutes of reflection and there we are.....right back where we've already been.

I've been living inside my head the last few days, or perhaps longer, I am not sure. I always think of her....These thoughts are sometimes so vivid, it is like a movie playing in my head. I think of her healthy and when she was sick. But, for whatever reason, recently the memory of my mom in her last days has been plaguing me. I find myself unable to control these thoughts. See, these are not great memories. I wouldn't call them bad. I would just call them painful. No one can possibly understand what it is to hold your mom as she breathes her last breath, unless you've actually done it. I don't regret it. I don't necessarily want to forget it. But, I definitely don't like reliving it in my mind. And you know, I don't know if it is actually that moment that is so painful, or the ones leading up to it. The days leading up to her passing, were filled with slurs, confusion, and decline from a woman that was always in control and strong. Part of me thinks she didn't understand what was happening to her, and the other part thinks she knew. Part of me thinks she was fighting the inevitable, and the other part thinks she was ready. One thing is for sure, she wasn't scared. She told me this, time and time again when she was sick. She wasn't scared to die. She knew where she was going. But, she was scared of leaving us. We were her everything, and she was ours. I know, people read this blog and probably think that my brothers and I are grown.....not young children dependant on a parent to live....How can we be so affected by nature taking it's course? But, to that I say, I am a child...her child.....and I did depend on her every day. Several times a day actually. She was my best friend...She was part of me, and I part of her. I struggle every day to remember who I am, or was, or am supposed to be, without her here to help define me. I am no one. I am no one pretending to be someone.

Having said that, my life is very happy. I am growing stronger in my faith each day. As you know, I have the three most beautiful children in the world. I have a husband that loves me passionately, and I reciprocate that same love. I have a family that is strong and dependable, because that is how she taught us to be. I am blessed in so many ways and I am so aware of these blessings. But, often times, I feel as though I am leading a double life. One, a girl who has it all....The other, a girl that is lost and lonely. These conflicting "lives" make me unpredictable. One day, I am beaming and giggling with my girls. The next, I struggle to fake a smile for them. I suppose this is life now, I am not sure. What is life after such a significant loss? I mean, what is "normal" life, anyway? I cannot regain normalcy. I just cannot. I cannot fathom how it could actually exist anymore. I know with all my heart, that life exists after loss. I do believe that. But, I also know that life can never be the same. So, my mission now, is to find the new norm. That is what I am searching for everyday.

I miss my mom so much sometimes, I feel kind of claustrophobic. Like when my legs get tangled in the covers really tight, and I feel like if I don't get them free, I may literally scream or just go crazy. I feel that sometimes when I want to talk to her. I have yet to go crazy, although I admit, I have done my fair share of screaming. I have slapped the steering wheel. I have beat the bed. I have cursed and I have kicked the dirt. I have sat in the floor of my shower and cried so hard it literally hurt my face.  But, it didn't bring her back. I have to face the fact that she's never coming back, every day of my life. I write her letters, in an attempt to fill a void....It offers a little comfort, but without her wise, and sometimes wise-crack responses, it doesn't take away the pain. I fear nothing ever will.

and then I remember my little time machine....

and I think of the smell of baby oil....and I travel to a bright summer day. She's rubbing her legs down and smiling as we head to the patio to lay out and talk about everything and nothing, like best friends do.....

I think of the warmth of her house, when it was filled with the scent of stew and cornbread cooking on the stove. She's on the phone gossiping with her sisters. I'm close by, Josh is on the computer and Ronnie is in his room...there is an indescribable and irreplaceable "homey" feeling...

I think of anything by George Jones or Conway and suddenly I'm a little kid again, in the back seat, loving the sound of her voice, and oblivious to the realities of life.

I think of lady down on love, one of her favorite songs....and I transport to another time where I'm a teenager in the grand am with her. She's singing aloud while I'm studying her face. We're headed to get a burger and rent a movie.....

I walk in Neva's room and boom.....I've traveled to a more recent day. Mom's laying in the floor, reading a book while the girls hang off her very word...I smile as I walk away, because I know how lucky I am....

Or I walk in mom's bed room, and I transport back to a pregnant me, and a sick her....We are laying side by side crying, and she is wiping my tears. She rubs my stomach and holds my hand gently. When I ask how I am to go on without her, she points to my heart and reminds me where she will always be....


Then I step out of my time machine, and go play with my babies. The trip was good. But coming home is better.

Your Babies

Dear Mom, 

Here are a few things I thought would make you smile....

• Recently Neva asked "Is #$%^ a bad word?" I replied "YES! Where did you hear that?" She responded "My Gammy used to say #$%^ all the time. She used alot of bad words...It was funny!"

• I teared up kind of randomly the other day driving down the road. I thought that the girls in the back seat would never know. Then Nori's eyes caught mine in my mirror. She looked at me sympathetically, then with her little lisp she said "It's ok Mom. Me and Neva are gonna get Gammy back for you".

•  Neva can ride her bike. Not Just a little, like when you saw her last. She can ride like a big kid. I got a little emotional watching her ride yesterday. She's just so grown up.

• Mili had an EKG and chest xray done the other day, because of some problems she's been having. Everything came back good- (Thank God).

• Still working with Mili on sitting up. The pediatrician says she is "too busy" to want to take the time to sit up.

• Saturday at Michael's dove shoot, Neva excitedly ran up to her daddy while she was eating a lil debbie snack cake. "Daddy, Gammy used to get me these. She used to get me ALOT of candy, and Mama would say "Don't give her all that candy!", but Gammy would do it anyway!" Michael sad eyes met mine across the porch. She loves you, Mama...Theres no denying that.

• Nori FINALLY mastered (most) of her colors. And, she's quick to tell you that she's a "smarty pants".

• When you sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider", Mili puts her hands together and smiles really big!

• We've decided to cut back on some of the SpongeBob that Neva has been watching. Here's why: Neva, showing me her letters that she had been practicing walked over and asked, "Do you like it mama?" "Neva!" I responded, "It's BEAUTIFUL!", "Do you really like it?" She asked. "I answered "I do baby, it's perfect". She smiled. "Good. I'll remember that when I'm kicking your butt", then she ran off giggling. (I've seen this episode. I know you are laughing right now. But I explained to her that we can't repeat everything we hear on tv).

• Neva hugged me the other day. Then as she was letting go, she patted my stomach. "That's a big belly ya got there", she said inncocently. (BTW I've lost 16 lbs. Only 30 more to go).

• When Nori is getting in trouble she continuously asked for "sugar and a hug"...Like that's going to get her off the hook.... (ok, sometimes it does).

• Mili's little gums are kind of lumpy...I think we have some teeth in our immediate future!

• Mili is afraid of the vacuum. So, I put her in her room to roll around while I vacuumed the living room real  quick. When I walked in there to get her, Nori was in the swing and Neva was changing Mili's diaper. She looked at me and said "She had pee pee mama". She is SUCH a mother hen.

• I left Mili in her bouncy (unbuckled), when I walked to my bedroom and back, she was rolling around on the floor.... I have no idea.

• All three girls go to sleep in their beds EVERY night. They may not wake up there, but they go to sleep there.

• Nori rides her tricycle like a little champ. It is so cute.

• Neva told Noah the other day, "Let me look at that. I have GREAT eyes. I eat alot of carrots and my eyes are really strong and really blue".

• Nori has the craziest dance moves. She's actually really good. When the music cues up, it's like her body starts moving without her permission. Then, comes this facial expression that is....serious and concentrated. It is hilarious!

• Neva told some of the dove hunters that had plopped down on our couch, "hey, don't throw these pillows on the floor, they cost like $55."

• Nori and Mili ARE best friends.

• The other night, as Michael was putting Sprinkles in her pen, Neva ran out on the front porch and looked up at the starry sky and screamed "I LOVE YOU GAMMY!", then ran back inside.

I miss you.

I love you.

We ALL do.

See you later.

Love,

Nikki