You ever see that kid in the grocery store showing out....I mean really cutting up and think to yourself "if that was mine I'd ______________"?...........
Yeah, I hear ya. I've thought the same thing.
I pretty much just cried the entire thirty minute drive from Wal-Mart to my house. And I need to vent this out like I have done so many times in the past.......May I?
So, last night, Nori really put on a show at Michael's parents house. We had some delicious ribs with Mr. G's signature sauce over rice, and homemade slaw, beans, corn on the cob and rolls. It was amazing! Well, after the meal, my sister in law and I were cleaning up the mess when I looked up and little Nori, without being told, was cleaning as well. She was wiping tables and chairs, carrying her grandparents' plates and glasses into the kitchen, she even held the dust pan when I was sweeping. It was precious and incredibly thoughtful for a 4 year old. She seemingly wasn't seeking praise as she did all of her work silently, careful not to draw attention to herself. Blown away, I knelt down and cupped her face. I kissed her softly, told her how proud I was and told her there might be a special prize in her future. Now, in 6 years of having children, I can count on one hand how many times my girls have gotten a toy, other than on a holiday of some sort. And I am not really big on rewarding "being good". But this was beyond good behavior as far as I am concerned, and warranted a lil something special. She was so excited! It was literally the first thing she talked about this morning. So, after dropping Neva and my niece Rylee at school, I, Nori, Mili, and Maxx headed to Wal-Mart. We had about 15 good minutes...... Then, Mili started.
At my old job, as a preschool teacher at and then director of, an inclusive preschool, I have worked with all sorts of children. I had the most precious angel with down syndrome, I had a couple kiddos with various degrees of Autism, several with ADD/ADHD and one with ODD. I also dealt with countless tantrummers and fit throwers. I thought, I kind of knew what I was doing. I mean, there was never a situation that I couldn't handle. But with Mili, I truly draw a blank. I confided in a friend with a gorgeous and sweet child (that just so happens to be autistic) that I was concerned that Mili might have something going on. I also found myself at her last check up, begging Dr. Chard to help me. "Is there something wrong with her?" I asked with tears in my eyes, as Mili screamed and launched her shoes across the examination room. Dr. Chard is equally direct, and comforting to me. I just love her. She told me that Mili was fine. Just strong willed and still adjusting to not being the baby. She refreshed me on tantrum 101, "ignore, do not respond, do not give in....then praise the good behavior" etc. and she assured me that it WOULD pass.
At her worst, she would ruin every trip to a restaurant, every ball game, the walk inside and back out of the church, the grocery store, and every outing of any kind and pretty much had rendered me a hermit. Think "ruin" is a harsh word? It is not, I assure you. For those of you who have dealt with a head banging, screaming, kicking tantrum thrower, you totally understand my wording. For those of you shaking your head that I "allow" that type of behavior, well, you've never had a head banging, screaming, tantrum thrower. Just because Mili behaves this way on occasion, and your child may not, doesn't mean you're a master parent and I am failing. And even though your child is behaving like an angel and is watching quietly as mine blows the windows out with her piercing screams, it doesn't mean my baby is some sort of demon. Mili is a beautiful, intelligent and incredibly sweet child. It's not her or me. I had two children before Mili and I have changed my parenting style very little in the last six years. I think Neva might have thrown one or two fits, but they were nothing to write home about. Nori, now she had a little attitude from time to time. But I handled it and I thought I had this terrible twos thing in the bag. But nothing that I have dealt with as a mother with the other girls could have prepared me for Mili. After months of tantrums, we had finally KIND OF gotten things under control. She was still hot tempered and dramatic, but what two year old isn't?....That's typical stuff. Everything was going great. I was able to go and do things again. Then Neva started school a couple weeks ago, and Mili seems to have regressed back to some of her old ways. I don't know if it is directly related, but that is definitely when it started. It's not as bad as it was, but it's pretty tough.
So back to Wal-Mart today. Mili had already had two spankings (don't judge) upon our arrival at Walmart. So, it wasn't the best start. Once we were in, Nori picked out a little $5 pack of kid make-up for her prize. And we started shopping for gifts for the birthday parties we have this weekend. Mili wanted out of the buggy, and reluctantly, I obliged. She looked sweetly and excitedly at the toys, but never asked for one. Which is good, because with the morning she had, the answer would have most definitely been "no". But as I went to leave the toy section, Mili began to scream. Like, really loud. I pretended not to notice and kept walking. "Mili, let's go. It is time to go" I said calmly. "NOOO! I NOT GOING!!!" she barked back and continued to scream. I felt my own temper starting to erupt as I do not tolerate being talked back to disrespectfully. I continued to walk and was approaching the end of the aisle. Mili was several feet behind me at this point, but still in view....and definitely within ear shot. I gave the illusion that I knew what I was doing, but secretly wondered, "what do I do when I get to the end of the aisle?!?!?! I can't keep walking, she'll be unattended....But I can't stop, because she will 'win'...". SO I cut the corner, out of her sight and stood there. I had one eye ball on her. She continued to scream, tearless, and was glued to her spot. I had to wave a couple passerby's away, as they stopped to help thinking she was lost and crying. They looked at me judgingly. Finally, realizing she wasn't affected by my absence, I walked back to her, picked her up and put her in the buggy. I didn't speak to her. She screamed louder and louder and began to flail. This was astonishing to me, considering how far she'd came with her behavior. This was like square one all over again. She was arching her back and just throwing a hissy fit.
I felt sick to my stomach. My nerves felt completely and utterly shot. Everyone, and I do mean EVERY one was staring. I can't say that I blame them, really. It sounded like "torture on aisle 4". I could feel how annoyed they were and a felt an overwhelming desire to both snap at and apologize to every person I passed. A couple people tried to speak to her "awww whats wrong baby?" But mainly, there were whispers and stares and judgment. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. All I wanted was to grab milk and a few groceries....Why couldn't everyone just understand? Then, the nicest lady walked up and said sympathetically and confidently "good for you for not giving in! I know it is hard, but she will tire out soon". And while I SO appreciated her words, her niceness just jerked the tears right out of my eyes. And once they started falling, I couldn't stop them. I was embarrassed of my emotion and walked away quickly. Another stare, pulled a reaction from me, I said "I know it's not ideal, but I have to get groceries". Mili was still screaming. Perhaps louder. The stares were abundant. Just countless. I smiled to give the illusion that I had it all under control, though I knew my face revealed tear stain. Finally, flustered, emotional and completely unable to think, I gave up. I needed so much more than kid make up, birthday gifts and milk.... But I just bailed on the shopping trip. I headed for the register. "What about Nori and Maxx?" you might be thinking. Well, they were walking/riding silently--thank goodness. I finally found a lane that wasn't just ridiculous, although there would definitely be a wait. The cashier, seemingly angry with life today, looked down the line at us, her new customers, and rolled her eyes. She said something to the customer she was currently waiting on, something I couldn't make out (over the screams) but said customer made it obvious that it was about us, by looking straight at my buggy and responding to the cashier matter of factly. Then again, perhaps I was just paranoid. I was burning red with a lump in my throat and fighting off a tantrum of my own. I was mad at myself for feeling embarrassed of my child and mad about my lack of emotion control and for not having the upper hand during the tantrum. I was mad at the rudeness of strangers, who I assumed were jumping to conclusions about Mili and about me. I was mad at Mili because in my heart I know that she is capable of better. In that moment of anger and frustration, another sweet stranger squeezed my shoulder and she quietly said, "it gets better". I forced a smile, but with it came a couple more tears. Just like a hug from Mama during a tough time would always simultaneously help me, and make me cry worse, the kindness of those strangers released my tears, but calmed me immensely. As I swiped my debit card, Mili relaxed in the buggy and started sucking her thumb quietly.
I walked to the car, with tears streaming my face. I loaded the stuff, then buckled all the girls. I, then got into my seat and put my face in my hands and sobbed silently. I let most of it out....Not all, because who has time? That would be an all day session. As I put the car in reverse and began to back up, I noticed Mili was already asleep. Nap time had brought out the worst in both of us.
So as you go about your business after stumbling upon this post, grocery shopping, eating out, going to church or whatever it is that you do, if you come across a mom with a screaming toddler, please don't judge her. And even though I know it is hard, try not to stare, either--she's embarrassed enough. Don't think to yourself how big of a failure she must be as a parent because your kids "would never"....Please understand that she did not choose this, but is trying her best to handle it. Please understand that as annoyed as you are, she is a million times more-- I assure you. Do not assume she is oblivious to others feelings, or doesn't value their time because she ignores the screams and goes about her meal or her shopping-- she is just following doctors orders. Do not believe that the child is lacking discipline, because in most cases this is FAR from the truth. Do not blame the child, because regardless of how it looks, it is not their fault. Please give her a warm smile, or a shoulder squeeze, or a "good for you" or an "it gets better". Pray for her patience. Pray for her other children. Pray for her lil tantrummer. Lift her up instead of kicking her when she is down.
Even if you are the superior parent (which is awesome), try to realize that most of us are just mediocre, winging it and hoping for the best.We are here with our kids, trying our hardest, loving them with all of our hearts, perhaps breaking down or blowing up here or there, messing up constantly and learning from our mistakes, but still we are here, sacrificing and tirelessly devoting every moment and shred of energy......And as tough as Wal-Mart (or any other outing with kids) can be, there's no place we'd rather be....than right there with them. That's gotta count for something.
I love my smart, funny, sweet and beautiful little Mili. My child that fits no mold, but her own. She is perfectly Mili: challenging and strong willed and totally irreplaceable. The keeper of my heart.
