Complicated Excitement

Things are alot more complicated in my life than I have let anyone know. I have been keeping a secret from you, my mom, both our families.......everyone! I have known for a couple months. Actually, more like 3. So, here it is. There is a reason I have gained a few pounds. It's not just my nerves that have had me vomiting recently. My fatigue isn't actually from depression. I am approximately 18 weeks pregnant. Before you ask---and I know SOMEONE will....YES, it was planned. Now before you judge me for making this decision when I am already in an extremely difficult situation, hear me out.

Michael and I knew we wanted a big family after we received Neva. This parenting thing is hard, but we are pretty good at it and we just so happen to enjoy it. Yes, life is stressful with a 3yr old and a 1yr old. Sometimes I feel like I might pull my hair out, but it is still in tact (some of it). It is a happy kind of stress. We had our kids close together, because we wanted them to be close. It was our plan to have three kids no longer than 2 years apart. We had been discussing trying for our third (and final) when my mom got sick. I put it on the back burner to care for my mom. But that urge or "baby fever" was still in my heart and mind. I pictured a third baby 3-4 years apart from Nori, unable to fully relate on the special level that Neva and Nori do to one another. I spoke to my mom. It was a heart felt conversation that I will never forget. Because of the sentimental nature of the words spoken, I prefer to not share ALL of the details with anyone. I WILL tell you, that my mom told me not to make any decisions based on her or her situation. Not to change any plans for her. She also added that if the Dr's were correct, our time was limited and since she had held my hand for the first two deliveries--she would LOVE to hold my hand for the third. She wanted to meet my baby. That was all I needed. I spoke with her oncologist next: "will there ever be a point in time that my mom won't be able to be around kids or infants?" The answer was no. She was encouraged to spend her time with ALL of her family. Michael and I discussed it THOROUGHLY and we began trying. I realized I was pregnant on June the 8th, but didn't tell my worrier mama until this past Friday. Of course she already knew....She had BEEN asking me. I assured her I was just gaining a little weight. But mama knew... I found it the best time to tell her Friday. It was the worst day ever. Why not sprinkle a little happy news on top? Of course, the main thing, was I wanted to give my mom the opportunity to say "I KNEW IT!!!!" (her favorite thing to say). I tried to let Neva deliver the news, but when I told her "tell Gammy mommy has a baby in her tummy" she freaked out. It was the first she had heard of it. I couldn't tell her before, because she is VERY verbal and she would have blown my cover. But, breaking it to her so fast, then expecting her to calmly deliver the news to her Gammy was a BAD idea. She followed me to mom's room saying "where's the baby?!? Who is it?!? Who's baby is it?!?!"  And that's how mom found out. "You're pregnant? I KNEW IT!!!!" That was the response I expected. She was tired, scared and in a tremendous amount of pain, but she smiled SO big and hugged me. "I'm happy for you", she said in a weak voice. She then did her usual, and jumped on the phone with the aunts. Later Nori was in mom's lap and my little baby (who can't say some of the easiest words) says to her Gammy "Mammy, I'm pwegnant" as clear as day. (Perhaps I chose the wrong delivery person.) Mom laughed and laughed.

So now here I am. I don't for a second believe mom's timeline but I do think about it. I worry constantly. I want her there with me so badly. I want her to meet my baby. There are people out there, whose parent's never got to meet their children. I think they would agree with my decision to go forth with our family plans. If there is even a small chance the dr's are right about mom, why would I wait? When things started moving faster than we expected Friday, I became overwhelmed by visions of a sad delivery room, minus a very special person. A very needed person. I don't regret my decision to get pregnant, however I do wish things were different. I wish this wasn't hanging over all of our heads. I cried to mom yesterday (Saturday) and told her I needed her there. "I WILL be there", she assured me. "I will hold your hand and I will keep the girls until you get out of the hospital". What comforting words. I believe her.