Broken

I had a dream this morning. I was in a dr's office and they told me I had cancer. They then told me I had a year to live. I started crying hysterically. My mom was there. Michael was there. My girls were there. My eyes went to each of them. Who will care for my mom? Will Michael remarry? I have so much I want to do with my time...How will I fit a lifetime into a year? Then my eyes landed on my two angels.......How will their lives be without me? Who will take my place? My babies need me! I can't leave! But I am so stuck....They can't fix me, they can't make it go away! I am so broken! .................I woke up dry heaving. I cried for a while, took some tylenol and tried to go back to bed. Laying there all I could wonder was "is this what mama feels about us?".....I mean, I know we are all adults. But to a mama, her children are always her babies. Is this how she feels when she thinks about leaving us? Of course, mine was just a nightmare. I woke up and it was over. She can't wake up. Her nightmare continues every day.

We went shopping yesterday to get mom some pants that fit. She has been walking around looking like a gang member, holding up her pants as she walks. I joke about it, but really, it makes me physically sick to see her so skinny. We left with size fours, but when I saw her wearing them today, they were baggy on her little frame. I feel like I am watching her waste away. The "lump" I told you about in my last post, has changed into excruciating pain in her throat. She doesn't necessarily feel like she is choking anymore, she just plain hurts. She has not put enough food in her body in the last few days to really even keep her alive. Mom said she took a bite of chicken the other night (before it got so bad) and screamed aloud in pain as it went down her throat. I made her a pot of chicken noodle soup last night, and watched in horror as she swallowed the broth. It was painful for me to witness...I can only imagine how she felt. She sleeps ALOT. It scares me. I stay on edge. I shake when the phone rings at night. I feel sick when I am not with her. I feel sad when I AM with her. Her skin on her chest is about 3 shades darker than the rest of her body. Her head is burnt and feels sore to the touch. This radiation is burning her little body up, inside and out. I rubbed her down w "radia-gel" today, hoping she would find some relief for her skin. After washing a few dishes and a couple loads of clothes, I left her house crying. I miss her and she's not even gone. The radiation is killing the cancer (we hope), but it's killing mom too.

I have to admit, I have been pretty down lately. I have been feeling alot of anger in my heart again. I don't like this feeling. I cried on the way home from her house today. I picked up my cellphone to call the person I ALWAYS confide in, but then realized it was MOM. Instead of fighting the urge like I always do...I actually called today. I had been gone from her house no longer than 5 minutes and I knew she was trying to get some rest...But I called anyway. I needed to talk to her about my anger, my fear, my pain....It was all building up inside of me. When she answered I hesitated, then asked "have you took your cough pill today?" It was a lame cop out, I admit. But I actually DID work up the courage to talk to her. She probably feels like it came out of nowhere. "I feel like I am alone"  I managed to bark out through my tears. Then out of my mouth, like a waterfall of truth came a buildup of thoughts and feelings from the last 6 months: "I have all these people going through this along side of me, but I feel utterly alone. I can't relate to any of them. We all think so differently. I cannot relate to anyone. I cant talk to YOU about YOU. I don't have anybody to talk to. I am so alone" (My part of the conversation was much lengthier than this, but it involves names and gets very personal---so I will skip it and get to her part) "Nikki, you can always talk to me. I am always here. You know that. You cannot let yourself get so worked up like this" (her part was much lengthier too). It was the first time I have really broke down in a LONG time. I don't really feel any better, but I realized that I was talking to the wrong person. As much as I would love to talk to my mom and her make everything better, like all the times in the past---she just can't this time. No one can. I know that her seeing me upset will not help anything. It will just make her more likely to hide things from me. That is the last thing that I want. I need an honest description of what she is feeling inside, so that I can know where we stand daily. I must find a way to vent these feelings without burdening her. I feel so broken. I wish I could wake up, again.