Dear Mama,
Today, unbelievably, is an official 10 months since you left... It's Christmas time and I think I speak for myself AND the boys when I say that we're missing you more than ever now. I long for you in a way that's so intense-- there are no accurate words to describe it. I feel as though it's been a lifetime since I had one of your special hugs, and what I wouldn't give for a sweet little peck on the cheek. You know that you were my everything...my travel buddy, my babysitter, my confidante, my advisor, and most importantly my best friend in the whole world... I feel utterly lost without you. I don't mean to make you worry, Mama... I say I'm lost, but I'm ok. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes in your absence. I told you I'd be strong and so far I've kept my word. It's not easy. Every fiber of my body wants to throw in the towel, and lay down and let the sadness take over... I'm fighting it Mom. Just like you taught me. I'm fighting it for the girls, for Michael and I'm fighting it for YOU. I know you would have given anything to have lived a full life, so I can't just waste mine being sad. I won't let that happen, I promise.
Christmas has made your memory so much more vibrant. I think of you constantly... I mean literally non-stop. When I am alone, and sometimes when I'm not, I cry. I cry because I want you back, Mama. I understand God's will was done, the day you went to heaven. But can I just say that my tiny, selfish, insignificant, unimportant will is for you to be here. To hold my hand when I'm scared. To smile when I'm sad. To soothe me when I'm in pain. To laugh with me when the girls do something silly. To wipe my tears when I cry. To love me. I want you back Mama.... I miss you so much, please just come back. Please! Just find some way to see me or let me know you're ok. I feel you are so much MORE than ok, but I want to see it. I know we will be together for eternity, but I'd like to talk to you now. I just want to see your smile and to talk to you for just a minute. You could always make the impossible happen for us, your kids....Cant you please find a way?
I trust that God's plan is so much better than my biased one. But I will never stop missing you.
Until we meet again, I will be looking for you in my dreams each night.
I love you lil lady...
Love,
Nikki
Me and my mom, my best friend.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Little Miss Lady Bug
I drove away from the cemetery today, silently wiping the tears from my eyes and thinking about mom more than ever. The girls rested quietly in the backseat as I drove home from, what was supposed to be, a quick trip to town. As I left the cemetery drive and approached the main road, my heavy heart was weighing me down and my tears were seemingly never going to stop. I didn't want the girls to know, so I was careful to not sniffle to loudly. Then I glanced to my left and saw a cute little ladybug on my window. Her color was vibrant and her spots were pronounced....I hoped she would fly off of my window, as I knew my speed was going to increase very soon. I put my eyes on the road, where they belong. But I couldn't help myself... My curiosity kept forcing me to look at her. Her wings were fluttering in the wind as I continued to accelerate. As I stared at her holding on with all her might, I couldn't help but think how alike we are, she and I.
I'm going to be honest, my absence from my blog lately has been intentional. I'd love to tell you that I've been so busy that I haven't time to write, but sadly that's not the case. Though I've had some pretty good days since I last reported, I think it is in large part to COMPLETELY IGNORING my feelings. I thought about writing every day, because this blog is my therapy. But, each time the thought popped in my head- I immediately felt anxious, and almost sick. I knew that writing about her, thinking of her, or embracing my feelings about her could ruin the "good-day streak" I had going. Though I know avoidance is not the healthiest grief strategy- I thought maybe, just maybe, I could avoid my way through the holidays.... Well, I am here tonight telling you that I was wrong. The last three days have been the worst days yet. I was ok until I realized that Christmas is sneaking up and I haven't bought the first gift! This thought inevitably led to a thought about shopping. Then, I thought about past shopping, and I thought about her. It's just a domino effect of thoughts. I thought about past years of Mom and I roaming aisles looking for the perfect gift. Mama didn't play when it came to Christmas presents... She didn't really have the money to buy for us or the grand kids year- round, so Christmas was her field day... And she took it very, very seriously. Many a day I have followed behind her as she stomped out of a store because she didn't find what she wanted. Of course, of all the years, the memory of LAST year was threatening to break my happy streak. She was so sick and just trying to hold on for us. I didn't know it at the time, but she was holding on so tight. We shopped together for very short periods at a time. She tired out so quickly, that we had to spread it out over a few small quick trips. She didn't get crazy over the gifts either, like usual. As I've told you before- at this point her mentality toward material things had completely changed. And she held my hand every time we sat back down in the car. EVERY time. I remember glancing over at her in the passenger seat, her little body barely taking up half the space, and she would always be looking at me. Just looking. I wonder now, what it was that she was thinking. Maybe I should have asked....But maybe I already knew. After the shopping thought pulled at my heart- the thought of wrapping presents tore it into a million pieces. I simply thought- "maybe I'll get Dora or princess wrapping paper"... The next thing I know, (domino effect) I'm huge and pregnant sitting on my living room floor wrapping up toys and looking at my tired and sickly little mama who had just randomly showed up at my house. When she walked in my front door, she literally collapsed onto the couch because she was so tired. The 15 minute drive to my house wore her out. The kids were in the bed for nap time, so it was just us two. She was barely talking and looking back, I think I know why. She was using every tiny bit of energy she had left in her body to spend time with us. As she would have good days and bad days through her fight she would say "sorry I haven't been talking too much... I have felt so bad I just didn't want to talk". I know that as she laid silently on my couch that day, it was because she was just feeling pitiful. Too tired to even speak. I also know that she forced her body to drive there, because she knew something I didn't. She knew time was very, very limited. I kinda wish that pregnant girl had thrown the nap schedule away and woke up the Neva and Nori to come and see her. They can't see her now... I remember trying my best to look at my wrapping and not look at her, because it was tearing me up how bad she looked. I wish I had been strong enough to just stare at her, difficult or not. I wish I had walked over to the couch and made her scoot over so I could lay with her, because I would give anything to see her and feel her now. These memories and hundreds more have plagued me in the last few days. Yes, I have been overwhelmed by sadness. I can't even escape it in my sleep, because I've even been dreaming about her as well. One night I dreamed she and I were talking and laughing, then in a snap she was limp on the floor. I was screaming for help, but none came. I held her there in my arms and told her I loved her. I was crying. And just before I woke up, she told me back. I awoke crying, and couldn't help but see the similarities in real life. After all, it feels like one minute, we were together and laughing.....And the next, she was gone forever. And there was no one that could help me.
This season and all the absolute joy I feel, (because I do feel overly blessed), has also freshened my heartache and perhaps taken it to a new level.....Is that a contradiction too? I am good at those. I am happy, but I am hurting worse than ever. It may not make sense, but I promise it's true. I feel as though I need her more than ever and at times--her memory is so vivid I can feel her. I can smell her. You would think that "presence" would help, but so far it has just fueled the pain.
Literally ALL I want for Christmas this year, is something I can never, ever have again. I want a hug from my sweet Mama.
So, yesterday as I stared at little Miss Lady Bug riding on my window, holding on with all her little might, I felt a connection to her. Perhaps, we are all a little like her. We are taking a very unpredictable ride. There are dips, and turns and it can be pretty bumpy. We literally feel the weight of the world pushing against us sometimes. It is scary, because we don't know what will happen next. It is sad, because we know that where ever we are going, isn't the same as where we have been. But this ride, this crazy thing we call "life" it brings some great things too. And those things make the pain, the fear, the tears and the sadness all worth it. As we reached our destination and that tough little tiny lady bug went from the window, to my hand, to her new home--I couldn't help but think that, we too, must be tough like her and hang on tight. After all, we are in the hands of our "Driver" as well. And our Driver is compassionate and loving. I've needed Him more than ever in my Mom's absence, and He saves me from this world and from myself everyday. Though there may be turbulence, things we don't understand and fear of the unknown along the trip, we must trust Him. He will guide us to our final destination. So, let's sit back and try our best to enjoy the ride.
I praise my God for guiding me along this journey.
I'm going to be honest, my absence from my blog lately has been intentional. I'd love to tell you that I've been so busy that I haven't time to write, but sadly that's not the case. Though I've had some pretty good days since I last reported, I think it is in large part to COMPLETELY IGNORING my feelings. I thought about writing every day, because this blog is my therapy. But, each time the thought popped in my head- I immediately felt anxious, and almost sick. I knew that writing about her, thinking of her, or embracing my feelings about her could ruin the "good-day streak" I had going. Though I know avoidance is not the healthiest grief strategy- I thought maybe, just maybe, I could avoid my way through the holidays.... Well, I am here tonight telling you that I was wrong. The last three days have been the worst days yet. I was ok until I realized that Christmas is sneaking up and I haven't bought the first gift! This thought inevitably led to a thought about shopping. Then, I thought about past shopping, and I thought about her. It's just a domino effect of thoughts. I thought about past years of Mom and I roaming aisles looking for the perfect gift. Mama didn't play when it came to Christmas presents... She didn't really have the money to buy for us or the grand kids year- round, so Christmas was her field day... And she took it very, very seriously. Many a day I have followed behind her as she stomped out of a store because she didn't find what she wanted. Of course, of all the years, the memory of LAST year was threatening to break my happy streak. She was so sick and just trying to hold on for us. I didn't know it at the time, but she was holding on so tight. We shopped together for very short periods at a time. She tired out so quickly, that we had to spread it out over a few small quick trips. She didn't get crazy over the gifts either, like usual. As I've told you before- at this point her mentality toward material things had completely changed. And she held my hand every time we sat back down in the car. EVERY time. I remember glancing over at her in the passenger seat, her little body barely taking up half the space, and she would always be looking at me. Just looking. I wonder now, what it was that she was thinking. Maybe I should have asked....But maybe I already knew. After the shopping thought pulled at my heart- the thought of wrapping presents tore it into a million pieces. I simply thought- "maybe I'll get Dora or princess wrapping paper"... The next thing I know, (domino effect) I'm huge and pregnant sitting on my living room floor wrapping up toys and looking at my tired and sickly little mama who had just randomly showed up at my house. When she walked in my front door, she literally collapsed onto the couch because she was so tired. The 15 minute drive to my house wore her out. The kids were in the bed for nap time, so it was just us two. She was barely talking and looking back, I think I know why. She was using every tiny bit of energy she had left in her body to spend time with us. As she would have good days and bad days through her fight she would say "sorry I haven't been talking too much... I have felt so bad I just didn't want to talk". I know that as she laid silently on my couch that day, it was because she was just feeling pitiful. Too tired to even speak. I also know that she forced her body to drive there, because she knew something I didn't. She knew time was very, very limited. I kinda wish that pregnant girl had thrown the nap schedule away and woke up the Neva and Nori to come and see her. They can't see her now... I remember trying my best to look at my wrapping and not look at her, because it was tearing me up how bad she looked. I wish I had been strong enough to just stare at her, difficult or not. I wish I had walked over to the couch and made her scoot over so I could lay with her, because I would give anything to see her and feel her now. These memories and hundreds more have plagued me in the last few days. Yes, I have been overwhelmed by sadness. I can't even escape it in my sleep, because I've even been dreaming about her as well. One night I dreamed she and I were talking and laughing, then in a snap she was limp on the floor. I was screaming for help, but none came. I held her there in my arms and told her I loved her. I was crying. And just before I woke up, she told me back. I awoke crying, and couldn't help but see the similarities in real life. After all, it feels like one minute, we were together and laughing.....And the next, she was gone forever. And there was no one that could help me.
This season and all the absolute joy I feel, (because I do feel overly blessed), has also freshened my heartache and perhaps taken it to a new level.....Is that a contradiction too? I am good at those. I am happy, but I am hurting worse than ever. It may not make sense, but I promise it's true. I feel as though I need her more than ever and at times--her memory is so vivid I can feel her. I can smell her. You would think that "presence" would help, but so far it has just fueled the pain.
Literally ALL I want for Christmas this year, is something I can never, ever have again. I want a hug from my sweet Mama.
So, yesterday as I stared at little Miss Lady Bug riding on my window, holding on with all her little might, I felt a connection to her. Perhaps, we are all a little like her. We are taking a very unpredictable ride. There are dips, and turns and it can be pretty bumpy. We literally feel the weight of the world pushing against us sometimes. It is scary, because we don't know what will happen next. It is sad, because we know that where ever we are going, isn't the same as where we have been. But this ride, this crazy thing we call "life" it brings some great things too. And those things make the pain, the fear, the tears and the sadness all worth it. As we reached our destination and that tough little tiny lady bug went from the window, to my hand, to her new home--I couldn't help but think that, we too, must be tough like her and hang on tight. After all, we are in the hands of our "Driver" as well. And our Driver is compassionate and loving. I've needed Him more than ever in my Mom's absence, and He saves me from this world and from myself everyday. Though there may be turbulence, things we don't understand and fear of the unknown along the trip, we must trust Him. He will guide us to our final destination. So, let's sit back and try our best to enjoy the ride.
I praise my God for guiding me along this journey.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Flip Floppin'
I just wanted to report that I have had a pretty good couple of days! I know this is subject to change next week, tomorrow, even five minutes from now. But for right now, I am quite alright.
I decorated Mom's grave for the holidays. I used some garland and I fixed up some vases that I got from Wal-Mart with some festive flowers and greenery. I am not quite finished yet, but I think she would like it. At least, that's what I thought as I stepped back and took it in.
Sunday, I took Neva, Nori, and my niece Rylee to the Laurel cinema to see Rise of The Guardians. I have to tell you, the movie was awesome! And sitting in that uncramped theater, and not worrying that I would lose a kid in the crowd was incredible. It made me wonder why I always head toward Hattiesburg to watch a movie. Totally pointless. We had a great time, but by the time we left I was itching to see my little Mili, (who had stayed with my mother in law). We put up our tree that night and the kids decorated it and the whole house.
Wednesday, I tried to make a donut bread pudding (a great way to use day-old donuts). It would have been pretty good, had I remembered to put SUGAR in it! It smelled like buttered bread. So, I made up a glaze using milk, powdered sugar, butter and vanilla and poured it over my savory donuts. I took it to bible study with me and it was a hit! Some how, some way, it turned out pretty good. Everyone was asking me for the recipe.... I'll probably never be able to make it like that again!
Friday was my dad's birthday. Though we are all not the closest in the world, it sure felt nice hanging out with him on his special day. Ronnie grilled him a slab of every animal in the forest and sky and I provided the German chocolate cake (his favorite). I can remember vividly throughout my childhood, smelling some sweet deliciousness baking in the kitchen and excitedly asking mama what it was......The answer was the same most every time "German chocolate cake". Just before she passed we jokingly asked mama why she didn't venture out in the cake department while we were growing up...She laughed and replied "it was your daddy's favorite". She never stopped loving my daddy. I thought of her, as we cut the cake. We sang to him and sat around enjoying each other's company.
Then today, I awoke in a panic! (I may be feeling better, but I am not sleeping better). So I jumped up half asleep this morning running around like crazy trying to get ready for the annual Christmas Parade. This is something I typically enjoyed with my Mom....and again I did find myself thinking of her....But not in a sad way. We arrived an HOUR EARLY and still there was no parking.... The girls really LOVED it this year. Except the loud noises...Mili wasn't a fan of the loud noises. The float creativity seemed to be on a different level this year! Everything was swamp themed in honor of the special guests: RJ and Jay Paul from Swamp People. I thoroughly enjoyed waving Mili's little hand at all the passersby and hearing the constant flow of "MOM LOOK!" "MAMA DID YOU SEE?!?!" from the Neva and Nori. I hate that time is passing by, but I truly enjoy their company more and more each day. They are maturing into the cutest little travel companions. Their sense of wonder and curiosity remind me to chill out, slow down and take in the details that we grown ups tend to overlook.
Afterwards, I went to do what I have done for years now.....Put up my mama's Christmas tree. Actually, I went to put up Ronnie's Christmas tree. Of course, I found myself reminiscing about last year...As I put the lights on her tree, I was huge and pregnant, and she kept telling me to sit down and rest. The girls were asleep. She was having a bad day and she kept going to lay in her bed....Then coming right back down the hall saying: "I feel bad leaving you in here, baby"....and I'd say "I'm fine, mom! Go to bed!", Though she wanted her tree up, and her living room to look festive, she begged me to just sit down and relax. I begged her to just go to bed and rest. This was the time of year that we were finishing a lot of decorative type things in her house. We knew that her time was growing short and we were trying desperately to make some of her dreams come true. She always wanted pretty things in her house, but never found the extra money to get them. And we never quite found the time or extra money to get them for her. We painted reorganized, redecorated, etc....And it made her smile, but material things were now frivolous to her. I've said this before: She had changed at this point. Carpet was "just carpet". The furniture was "just furniture". She just wanted more time. I wish I could have given her the world in those days. I would have made her wildest dreams come true....But more time? Unfortunately, I couldn't give her that. Nor could anyone. But, I gave her all of my time. And whether she wanted it or not, I did those pretty little things around the house that she had always wanted. And soon, though I was super sized, I got her very last Christmas tree up and the girl's decorated it and the stockings were hung. She loved it! Of course I could have just sat down like she asked, and she would have loved that too. I kept flashing back today, as I watched the kids decorate the tree and talked with Ronnie about old times. She has never felt more absent to me, than she did today as I did all this without her watching me and loving me.
Like I said, I am doing better. Perhaps I am healing, perhaps the extra time I have spent in Scripture is paying off, perhaps its just a couple good days. Either way, I am doing pretty good. I'll take it, because I've got a tough season ahead of me...The Christmas Season. It is so rich with memories and it tugs at my heart as each day passes and the holiday gets closer. She would want me happy. She would want me to enjoy Christmas and just enjoy life. I am trying....I sure hope this light heart lasts.
I decorated Mom's grave for the holidays. I used some garland and I fixed up some vases that I got from Wal-Mart with some festive flowers and greenery. I am not quite finished yet, but I think she would like it. At least, that's what I thought as I stepped back and took it in.
Sunday, I took Neva, Nori, and my niece Rylee to the Laurel cinema to see Rise of The Guardians. I have to tell you, the movie was awesome! And sitting in that uncramped theater, and not worrying that I would lose a kid in the crowd was incredible. It made me wonder why I always head toward Hattiesburg to watch a movie. Totally pointless. We had a great time, but by the time we left I was itching to see my little Mili, (who had stayed with my mother in law). We put up our tree that night and the kids decorated it and the whole house.
Wednesday, I tried to make a donut bread pudding (a great way to use day-old donuts). It would have been pretty good, had I remembered to put SUGAR in it! It smelled like buttered bread. So, I made up a glaze using milk, powdered sugar, butter and vanilla and poured it over my savory donuts. I took it to bible study with me and it was a hit! Some how, some way, it turned out pretty good. Everyone was asking me for the recipe.... I'll probably never be able to make it like that again!
Friday was my dad's birthday. Though we are all not the closest in the world, it sure felt nice hanging out with him on his special day. Ronnie grilled him a slab of every animal in the forest and sky and I provided the German chocolate cake (his favorite). I can remember vividly throughout my childhood, smelling some sweet deliciousness baking in the kitchen and excitedly asking mama what it was......The answer was the same most every time "German chocolate cake". Just before she passed we jokingly asked mama why she didn't venture out in the cake department while we were growing up...She laughed and replied "it was your daddy's favorite". She never stopped loving my daddy. I thought of her, as we cut the cake. We sang to him and sat around enjoying each other's company.
Then today, I awoke in a panic! (I may be feeling better, but I am not sleeping better). So I jumped up half asleep this morning running around like crazy trying to get ready for the annual Christmas Parade. This is something I typically enjoyed with my Mom....and again I did find myself thinking of her....But not in a sad way. We arrived an HOUR EARLY and still there was no parking.... The girls really LOVED it this year. Except the loud noises...Mili wasn't a fan of the loud noises. The float creativity seemed to be on a different level this year! Everything was swamp themed in honor of the special guests: RJ and Jay Paul from Swamp People. I thoroughly enjoyed waving Mili's little hand at all the passersby and hearing the constant flow of "MOM LOOK!" "MAMA DID YOU SEE?!?!" from the Neva and Nori. I hate that time is passing by, but I truly enjoy their company more and more each day. They are maturing into the cutest little travel companions. Their sense of wonder and curiosity remind me to chill out, slow down and take in the details that we grown ups tend to overlook.
Afterwards, I went to do what I have done for years now.....Put up my mama's Christmas tree. Actually, I went to put up Ronnie's Christmas tree. Of course, I found myself reminiscing about last year...As I put the lights on her tree, I was huge and pregnant, and she kept telling me to sit down and rest. The girls were asleep. She was having a bad day and she kept going to lay in her bed....Then coming right back down the hall saying: "I feel bad leaving you in here, baby"....and I'd say "I'm fine, mom! Go to bed!", Though she wanted her tree up, and her living room to look festive, she begged me to just sit down and relax. I begged her to just go to bed and rest. This was the time of year that we were finishing a lot of decorative type things in her house. We knew that her time was growing short and we were trying desperately to make some of her dreams come true. She always wanted pretty things in her house, but never found the extra money to get them. And we never quite found the time or extra money to get them for her. We painted reorganized, redecorated, etc....And it made her smile, but material things were now frivolous to her. I've said this before: She had changed at this point. Carpet was "just carpet". The furniture was "just furniture". She just wanted more time. I wish I could have given her the world in those days. I would have made her wildest dreams come true....But more time? Unfortunately, I couldn't give her that. Nor could anyone. But, I gave her all of my time. And whether she wanted it or not, I did those pretty little things around the house that she had always wanted. And soon, though I was super sized, I got her very last Christmas tree up and the girl's decorated it and the stockings were hung. She loved it! Of course I could have just sat down like she asked, and she would have loved that too. I kept flashing back today, as I watched the kids decorate the tree and talked with Ronnie about old times. She has never felt more absent to me, than she did today as I did all this without her watching me and loving me.
Like I said, I am doing better. Perhaps I am healing, perhaps the extra time I have spent in Scripture is paying off, perhaps its just a couple good days. Either way, I am doing pretty good. I'll take it, because I've got a tough season ahead of me...The Christmas Season. It is so rich with memories and it tugs at my heart as each day passes and the holiday gets closer. She would want me happy. She would want me to enjoy Christmas and just enjoy life. I am trying....I sure hope this light heart lasts.
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