Blessed For Sure

Dear Mama,

I'm not going to sugar coat this....the last few days have been rough. Really, really rough. They've been filled with lots of firsts without you. In addition to the firsts, I have missed a couple weeks of church, which always gets me down. I've been listening to the sermons online, which helps, but I enjoy seeing all the church folk and listening to the powerful music. Hopefully things will level out and get back on track next week. Here's a few pictures to catch you up....

Ronnie's had his first ball game of the season. I just kept thinking back to all the Friday games in the past. Usually, I would come to your house, where we would hang out for a while. Then, you would immediately start enticing the girls with promises of concession stand goodies. We would drive to the game, with you facing the back seat the whole way...I would be struggling to get a word in, with you talking to and listening to the girls. Then, usually, we would stop and get some burgers. By the time we were pulling up to the game, you would be antsy...It didn't matter how early we were---you always thought we were going to be late. But, I know you wanted Ronnie to walk out of the field house and see you sitting there. You wanted him to know that he had your support forever and always. The rest of the night was filled with us yelling for the Tornadoes and running back and forth to the bathrooms and concession stand. It was a BLAST!! Well, the other night I felt a hole in my heart without you sitting there with me. A literal blank space in my heart. I missed you SO badly, I can't put it into words. But, when Ronnie walked by, we were there.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. We are there for each other through thick and thin, just like you taught us. We might be arguing, but we are there.

 

GO TORNADOES!!!!!

 

 

 

Neva's birthday has come and gone. It was great and sad. I felt blessed and as though something was missing all at the same time. You've just always been there. Always:

 



Neva's birth-day

Neva's first birthday party...Remember, it was "Fish" themed...We had fish cut outs that Neva and Noah painted. They were displayed everywhere. We had fried fish to eat, too. You were the life of the party on this day...Of course, we were ALL on the slide that day---except Neva!

Neva's second birthday... It was "luau" themed. We had lots of water activities and another water slide. You helped me cook. We had pork, fried rice, pineapple upside down cake and millionaire pie. I remember that you also showed up with a BEAUTIFUL coconut cake and tried to pass it off as your own. Before the day was over, you admitted that you bought it. Ha! I knew it!

 

Neva's third birthday. It was supposed to be at the park, but when that fell through at the last minute, we had her "Transformer" party at Shipleys. You were sick, but you held up good. We had pizza, cake and ice cream. It was a great day!

This year, like I told you the other day, we had a movie theater party. I would call it "popcorn" themed. Here are the cupcakes I made her. I was fighting back emotions the whole time, but I only teared up once and Neva never knew. It was not the best party. It was kind of quiet and awkward. BUT, Neva had a good time and it was the easiest party we have ever had.

 

So easy, in fact, I think we will do it again.

We will DEFINITELY pick a better movie next time. While Neva and the other kids liked it, I did not like this movie at all. Neither did Michael or Nori. It should not be rated PG. It was a little graphic and there were some innuendos that I could have done without. In light of recent events, and Neva's current mindset regarding you and Heaven---this was not the greatest movie choice (zombies, ghosts etc)....It was the ONLY choice, but still not a good one. If I could redo, I would wait as long as I had to until a more appropriate movie came out.

 

While I was able to put a smile on for my baby and help her to have a good day, it was so hard without you there. It wasn't the greatest turn out, family wise, which made the ache in my heart even worse. I want you here for me...But really, I want you for her and her sisters. They are so missing out without you here.

 

I know we are so lucky to have three beautiful and healthy daughters that are growing so fast... (TOO fast!)

We also went to cousin Logan's party. There was this BIG ole slide......

 

But, my girls were here....in the baby pool. They had a great time splashing in that inch of water....and I guess that's all that matters. Family gatherings like this one, where everyone is laughing and talking and having a good time, they always make me think of you and how our gatherings and parties used to be. You had this way of lightening the mood. You could join in any conversation and there was never an awkward moment with you. You were so special, mom. Completely irreplaceable. We were blessed by your presence here, if only for a limited time.  

Next came Neva's actual birthday, so we stuck to the tradition.... I let her pick her FAVORITE meal, and we made a cake.

Nori's so sweet.... (sometimes).

Their favorite part is decorating....We had some super sprinkly cupcakes!

Spaghetti and meat balls and strawberry cupcakes with vanilla icing....and LOTS of sprinkles....

This picture kills me. Neva on her new, big girl bike. She looks like a kid. Not a baby. Not a toddler. A big kid. It breaks my heart and makes me proud and super happy all at once.

 

I made it through her first birthday without you with no major malfunctions. I mean, I was sad....But I also feel very blessed and happy. I guess it all evened out. I longed to talk to you and for you to see her and me and the party and everything......But in my heart I know you saw. I know you did.

 

Let's see..what else has been happening....

 

Remember taking the girls to get their ears pierced? Of course you do.

Neva at 4 months... (you were holding the camera)

 

Nori at 7 months....(you were holding the camera)

Mili at 6 months....(Amber was holding the camera)

It never gets any easier to see your child in unnecessary pain.

She looks beautiful and I am glad we did it...I just wish you had been there like with the other girls. There with me and there for me. I am so fortunate to have Amber that jumped at the opportunity to help me and support me.

  

Also, I ran into Cookie Moncivais today. She and I have been playing phone tag since you left. She had a little gift for me. Seeing her, your good friend, was hard in itself. BUT, the gift she got me was heart breaking. It's a remembrance bracelet. Each bead, crystal and charm represents something different regarding the loss of you, a cancer fighter. It's absolutely beautiful and I cried upon receiving it. I just kept hugging her over and over, in part because I was thankful for my gift...and also, because she reminds me of you. Not in appearance or even personality. She just reminds me of a different time in life, when you were healthy, happy and here. How special should I feel, that Cookie saw this bracelet and thought of me? I sure do love my bracelet.

 

Well, mom, I think I've hit the highlights of everything that has been happening. I have been fighting off sadness with all my might. I'm doing pretty good. But I still have days that are not the best. I called Amber Brooks while I was sitting at the cemetery the other day and cried my heart out. I told her that after 6 months, I feel a little embarrassed to still be "poor mouthing" about your passing. But it still hurts so bad. I don't get it. Shouldn't it be a little easier by now? SIX months. SIX. And it hurts  as bad   worse than if it was yesterday. I miss you SO much I can't hardly stand it sometimes. She listened and told me, there were alot of "firsts" in our future. And with each first, will come a freshening of our heart ache. I know she is right. And once again, I know I am blessed to have Amber's shoulder to cry on, in your absence.

 

When I type a blog it is straight out of my head, unfiltered. Lots of times, it has to be revised before I let anyone read it...After all, we don't let everyone hear our every thought....When I was glancing back over this letter, I noticed how many times I used the words "blessed", and "fortunate", and "lucky", and "special"....Those words came straight from my heart, without my even realizing it. I know that I think about you and talk about you alot, Mama....That will probably NEVER stop. But I promise, I am very aware of how blessed I am. I thank God every night for my wonderful life that I am so undeserving of.  Even on my darkest day, there is light in my heart. This, is the ultimate blessing.

 

 

I love you.

 

 

Love,

 

Nikki

 

Six Months

Dear Mama,

Today marks the six month anniversary of your arrival in Heaven. I know you are fantastic. You are healthy and vibrant and spending some time with Mamaw and Papaw. You miss us, I know....But you're not sad because you know what the future holds. We will be together again. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be here today, writing a letter, for you to read in Heaven. You're my Mama. You're invincible. Though I feared the possibility of your passing---I never thought it could actually happen. I pictured you growing old and living life. I saw you involved in your grandkids' lives and trying your best to make it to every single ballgame or recital. I saw you finding love again. Someone that would take care of you and allow you to slow down and rest your weary body from working all these years. I pictured you wrinkly and happy. But the thought that always occupied my mind, and now hurts my heart, is the vision I had of me and you. In my fantasy, every time my children go through something difficult or trying, you are with me wiping my my tears and giving me advice. When they achieve something great or reach a goal---I would be cheering....With a teary eyed you behind me. They have me, and I have you. It's a beautiful thought...But it's just that....a thought.

When I worked at The Children's Academy, I flattered myself to think I was patient, understanding, and compassionate. I LOVED working with children. And you know, I was pretty darn good at it. I don't remember ever encountering a situation, that I didn't immediately feel confident with a plan I devised. Yeah, I thought I was pretty smart in the field of child development--until I had kids of my own. It was then and only then that I began to doubt myself and second guess my instincts and feel and endless amount of guilt. "Why did I raise my voice when she did that?", "I'm not doing enough fun stuff with the girls", "their days should be more structured or educational", "Am I too strict or hard on them?", "Are they happy?"--the thoughts are endless.Used to, when you were here and I had these thoughts--you'd snap me out of it. Sometimes you even got angry that I beat my self up so badly.You always reminded me that I was a good mom and stated examples to butter my bread.  It was nice to hear that, from you, the best there ever was. But without you here, sometimes my feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming.

Alot is happening...Like always. So here's a little catch up...

Neva got her first haircut yesterday. She is a couple days away from her fourth birthday, so I know it is overdue. I was impressed with her, because she was SO excited and not the first bit scared. She practically jumped in the chair. Crystal Phillips at Special Effects in Laurel was WONDERFUL. Neva was as still as she could be, which made me proud---but actually wasn't very still at all. Crystal handled it like a professional and rolled with the punches. It looked great, but I was emotional and her daddy....well...he wasn't happy. Afterwards, Amber kept the little girls so I could have a little one on one with Neva. We went window shopping at the mall. Her whole demeanor was different without her sisters. Much more mature. She pointed at shoes and outfits saying "That's cute!" and "I could wear those to church". It was sweet. I can't stop thinking that, my once precious lil smushed face baby, is growing up to a beautiful little girl.

In the last couple days, Nori has started wearing a bicycle helmet....everywhere....backwards. She also insists on picking out her own outfits. I'm trying to not discourage her budding fashion sense.  In actuality, all three girls could use a helmet, since they got their gracefulness from me (and you). Since the one on one time with Neva was so rewarding, Amber offered to do the same for me and Nori...I can't wait...I know I'm going to learn some stuff.

Mili refuses to sit up and is not interested in learning to crawl. BUT, she rolls every where. It doesn't matter where I lay her for "tummy time", because tummy time becomes flip flop time and when I turn around shes across the room....Or sometimes in a different room! Perhaps her interest in learning a different mode of transportation will increase, and I won't be rolling her to kindergarten one day.

Ronnie's first game of the season is tonight and we are all going. I have been praying that Ronnie and the Tornadoes have a safe and healthy year---with any luck--we'll have a successful season too! I  know you'll be watching. Your seat is reserved for every ball game, (right inside my heart).

Also, Wednesday night I went to church. This is only the second time I have gone at night. It was great! When I walked in, I was greeted warmly, (as usual), then Br. Robby led a casual, open discussion about Sundays sermon. He also broke down, word for word, some verses in the Bible that were relevant to the discussion. One of the questions that was posed was something like "what causes feelings of inadequacy?", Of course, this question struck a chord with me, because you know how I battle self doubt. Several people in the room answered aloud "Other people", "media", etc......My answer, too shy to come to light, was part of the question. I feel inadequate because of me. I'm the problem. No one really makes me feel that way, and the media? Well, I know I won't be walking and Victoria's Secret runways anytime soon and I'm ok with that. But me? I can tear myself apart. Brother Robby agreed with all the answers given, but reminded us of one more....The main cause of negativity....Satan....Suddenly, I pictured him whispering doubts into my ear as I discipline the girls or try to take a moment to myself. Then making me blame myself! It is HIM....Not me....I found this to be very, very enlightening.

It's been six months and the angel that has whispered in my ear all my life, is no longer here...You're home now...The fantasy I once had was beautiful....But it was not meant to be. So it's time for some changes. I can no longer lean on you for my confidence. It must come from me. I must be strong, like you taught me. Now, as I approach yet another tomorrow, without you....I promise you this: I will try harder to fight the thoughts being fed to me. No, I am not perfect...If I understand this Christianity thing even a little---I NEVER will be. But I do KNOW that I am a great mom. I see it in my beautiful, smart mouthed, helmet wearing, fit throwing, sweet heart, intelligent, weirdo, sassy little girls every moment of every day. How could I be anything other than great?? I got it honest...

I love you bushel and a peck, hug around the neck, and ALL my heart.

Love,

Nikki

Riding Solo?

Dear Mama,

I looked down at my cell phone (which was on silent) right about the time the house phone rang. As the words came out of Michael's mouth, I was reading the message that he had already sent. I could hear that he was fine and he made a point to say so. But just hearing the words "I wrecked my truck on the way to work", sent shivers down my spine and brought back a whole array of feelings that I thought were long gone. The most familiar of those feelings? My being totally alone.

When Michael and I first started dating, and it looked like things were getting serious, my biggest concern was how to avoid your feeling abandoned or left out. I would spend Saturdays hanging out with you, and Sundays with him.....Some Sundays, I would just come to Davids and clean shelves and watch you work....Just so you knew that you had not been replaced. There was one simple fact: you and Michael were my life. It stayed that way for 6 years---which was when Neva was born. Until the day you left, my life revolved around you, Michael, and my girls. I rarely hang out with friends. I don't have any hobbies, really. Ya'll were my hanging out buddies and spending time with ya'll was my hobby. So today, when I faced the fact that, just like you, Michael could leave me....I had a complete and utter breakdown.

I have always obsessed over death, you know that. I don't know why. I know it's weird and I know it's not right or normal. But I've always been this way....Absolutely scared to death that I'm going to lose those that I love so dearly. After you got sick, I came to realize that it doesn't matter how much time I spend dwelling on it---it's out of my hands. And, I was doing alot better. Getting Saved and coming to understand Heaven a little better, helped out too. But this morning scared me back to a dark and scary place. All I kept thinking was "what if?"......I kept picturing my life without Michael. I saw my babies without a daddy, me without my partner and our family minus the backbone. No you. No Michael. I'm all alone with the girls. I couldn't take it. I sat crying as the girls played in the yard. I found myself calling Daddy, looking for some comfort. He was nice and the conversation was pleasant. But, he's not you...I wanted him to be. I wanted to hear your voice, and your reassuring words. But, I was disappointed to have reaffirmed, what I already knew---your shoes cannot be filled. The conversation ended on a positive note, but I cried harder as I hung up. I need you, mama.You always had a way of making it all better.

When Michael got home, we talked about his wreck and hugged repeatedly. He calls it a "fender bender" and down plays it. I look at what could have happened, and it scares me to death. I cried through alot of our conversation. He knew why. He knows all my weird stuff, just like you do. Of course, I have cried the better part of today, so this conversation wasn't much different. (Don't worry, I kept the girls busy all day. I think they had a great day. If they noticed my crying, you couldn't tell it in their reactions. They seemed oblivious.). I think the biggest problem, is I some how took his wreck, and the emotions that followed and mixed them in with the emotions I'm already feeling about you. Bad combo. It was just an all around rough day. Nori still had some yucky symptoms this morning. So, after a day minus church (which I love), minus Sunday lunch (which I love) and plus these old feelings and fears popping back up--I called Ronnie, once again, just looking for some comfort. I was actually alone, in my car, on my way to pick up some supper from Walker's. It was a total slip-up, but I started crying while talking to him. "I just want to talk to her" I said, as I broke down. "I know, Nik", he soothed, "She always knew what to say, didn't she?"....I knew the last thing he needed, was to hear his highly emotional, and slightly psychotic sister crying on the phone, so I changed the subject. I let him know how excited I was about his first game of the season, Friday and told him me and the girls would be there rooting him on....Well, guess what talking about the ball game did? Made me think of you, again. When I hung up the phone, I cried even harder, again. I felt more alone than ever.

Then, I remembered Brother Robby saying, that when you are alone, it's just you and God. I pictured Him as my passenger and talked to Him through my tears on the way home. I know I looked crazy, but I had alot to say. I felt a little better afterwards.

After a day like today, I looked forward to just getting home, eating, and going to bed. Well, the phone rang just after supper. Since you left, the phone rarely rings. I pretty much text with everyone. So, assuming it was someone wanting me to switch phone services, I let Neva answer without me even looking at the caller id. "What's your name?" I heard her ask. "Oh, hey Aunt Sharon! This is Neva."...I was surprised. I talk to your sisters through text sometimes, and occasionally on the phone, but this call was a pleasant surprise. After Neva spilling EVERY detail about EVERYthing that has EVER happened EVER (it actually reminded me of how she used to talk to YOU on the phone....it felt good to hear her like that again), Nori had to have a turn. Finally, I got to talk to her. She needed to ask me a simple question, but the conversation took a turn to some funny things that happened "back in the day" and I found myself giggling and feeling lighter. A lot lighter, actually.

All day today I have been wishing I could talk to you. This is not new, but it was MUCH more intense today. Daddy isn't you, Ronnie isn't you and Sharon isn't you....No one ever will be you. It doesn't make their love any less valuable. In hindsight, it sure was nice to have someone to talk to. But it wasn't until tonight, that I remembered the day me and you talked about my needing your advice and being unable to get it after you were gone. I also remembered the day we laid in your bed crying and you pointed to my heart and said "I'm always right in there". Though these thoughts saddened me in a way, they made me feel so much better. All this made me realize that I don't have to hear your voice to know what you would tell me. In fact, I know exactly what you would tell me:

 I cannot control life and death, Mama. I know this. I know I need to calm down and stop wasting time worrying, I will try, Mama. We don't know what tomorrow will bring us, you're right, Mama. We may experience loss or gain. Happiness or sadness. Victory or defeat. Tragedy or triumph. But one thing is certain, today is a blessing, just as yesterday was and tomorrow will be. I know I'm blessed Mama. I know I need to quit being so emotional in front of the girls, I will try harder...You're right, today was just a bad day and tomorrow is a new day.......
 Oh, and I know Michael needs to get his head out of his butt the clouds and pay attention to the road.

Thank you for asking Sharon to call me. Also, thank "My Passenger" for reminding me that I am not alone, nor will I ever be. I sure enjoyed our ride.

I love you.

Love,

Nikki

Real Quick....

Dear Mama,

I've just spent several hours holding Nori's hair, wiping her mouth, rubbing her back and singing to her as she experienced the worst stomach virus any of my girls have ever had. The house is destroyed, all the sheets and comforters are in the wash, and the air reeks of lysol. As I comforted her, I couldn't help but flash back to me in her shoes, and you in mine.You made it look so easy.....You, more than any medicine, made me feel better when I was sick....I hope I can be even half the mom you were.....Thank you for holding my hair, wiping my mouth, rubbing my back, and singing to me. Thank you so much....

My lil baby girl

your lil baby girl

I love you.......

Love,

Nikki 

Down in The Dumps

Dear Mama,

I think Michael has it right. He said every time there's something big or another first, I have a "setback" and get down in the dumps really bad. I have to agree. I had a good length of time there where I was doing GREAT. I went around to those closest to me bragging about it. Well, here I am....In the dumps again. I've been thinking about you alot and it makes it hard to not cry and....well, I guess feel sorry for myself....I do my absolute best to put a smile on and be a fun Mama, for the girls. I think you'd say I was doing a great job....Me? I'm constantly doubting myself like always. We are rapidly approaching 6 months since the day you left. This is unbelievably hard for me to comprehend. In addition to that, Neva's fourth birthday is around the corner and it's just dawning on me that this will be the first party that you won't be at. You can't help me set up. You can't go overboard with her gift. It is just so surreal to picture my child's birthday--without you. So, I decided to just invite family and we are going to the movies. You know she loves going to watch movies--and theres the added benefit of me being distracted the entire time. I don't want to be emotional at my baby's party.

Let's see....more tough stuff happening....

Well, Ronnie's football games are about to start. I remember leaving work at The Children's Academy and meeting you at Laurel to watch him coach. This is something you and I have shared since he first started teaching. I am very saddened at the thought of you not sitting there with me this season, cup of concession stand coffee in hand, shivering complaining about it being too cold, and cheering for your oldest son's team to "GO! GO! GO!" and "GET HIM!", then taking the girls to the concession stand and buying them one of everything. I'm very heart broken....But  I will be there. Rooting them on, and thinking of you.

Also, big things have been happening for the Cochran's. Amber graduated! I remember when they first announced that they were expecting, you were so scared that Amber would be unable to finish school. You knew her potential and thought it might be wasted. Then when she started taking night classes and working toward her degree, you helped by babysitting whenever she needed you to and you got frustrated with her when she skipped class. You wanted so badly for her to attain her dreams. Well, she did it! We threw her a little surprise congrats party at Sunday lunch the other day and attended her graduation the following Saturday. While graduation isn't a sad thing, I found myself fighting off an ache in my heart. I felt you there. I know you watched her walk across that stage and you cheered with pride for you daughter in law that worked so hard to better the lives of your beloved grand boys. We all cheered too. It was a great day.

I don't know, Mama

They also got a new car! They traded in your old black car. I was so happy for them, but once again, I found a way to be sad. I just kept thinking about the day you got that car. You had been using my car for a couple years, because you couldn't really afford anything after the transmission went out in yours. Then, a customer at Davids told you to come by the car lot, because they might have something you could afford the payments on. You WERE SO NERVOUS to take on a note! But you went, and got your lil Saturn and it was a good car for a long time. It knew the route to Davids without you even steering. The first several times I saw that car after you left, my heart skipped a beat. It even tricked Neva one day.....Amber was meeting us for lunch and Neva called out "GAMMY'S HERE!!".....It is sad that it is gone, but I'm glad Josh and Amber have a nice, new car now.

I found this picture on your camera. I tried to envision you on this morning. I know your child like enthusiasm when it snowed--so I can imagine you ran into the parking lot snapping away with your camera, wishing you were at home playing with the grandkids.

Quite an upgrade, huh?

I got some new stuff to hang on my freshly painted, mold-free walls. This was YOUR thing. You loved going to Kirkland's and dreaming about redecorating your house. So when I went shopping I thought of you. I was so anxious for Michael to hang everything.....But when he did, I wasn't as excited as I thought I'd be. In fact, I cried. I just kept wanting you to walk through my door and make a big deal like you always did for me. You just used to brag on my every move. I guess hanging all this stuff kind of made me miss that praise like an attention starved child.

                                                                  BEFORE

                                                                      AFTER

The deer head didn't come from Kirklands....It came from "The Deer Camp". That's a store that Michael shops at regularly.

I can't cook. I know what you are saying right now, though I can't actually hear you. Yes, I can cook, but nothing turns out good anymore. I used to take pride in my ability to throw together a good southern meal. And you? Oh, you know you used to fluff my feathers on my cooking. Well, nothing I make turns out good. Too salty, too spicy, too bland, burnt, raw....you name it. It's so frustrating. Michael eats it with a smile and never complains. He assures me that it's because my focus isn't the same since you left. He's right. I can't really think straight like I used to. I stay kind of foggy. I also have alot of trouble remembering stuff. I guess this is normal for someone who has been though something traumatic.

So there's some of the stuff making me sad...Here's the good stuff:

Neva's doing a bit better. She still talks about you often, (so does Nori) but, Michael and I are working together to help her get her emotions under control. She is learning to write the letters of her name and is doing a FANTASTIC job. She likes to write you letters and fold them up precisely and secure them with a hair bow. She is very creative. I'm just so proud of her I can't hardly stand it.

Her N's are getting better and better. She just practices all day long. It's so sweet.

She makes these little "packages" all the time. Some for me, some for her daddy, and tons for you.

This is like her 4th or 5th black eye. This one was due to a head-on collision with her cousin Brady. She's beautiful even with a shiner.

Nori is FINALLY coming out of her terrible two's stage. The melt downs and tantrums and pointless fits and emotions running wild are slowing down to ALMOST a complete halt. Thank Goodness! She still has trouble distinguishing some of her colors, but she is so dedicated to learning--I know it won't be long. She knows her shapes, her alphabet, and she can "read" alot of the images in this book of environmental print that I made her. She tries to use big words like "actually", and "hilarious", and "ridiculous" and when bigger words are teamed with her sweet little face and cute little lisp, I just can't take it. I want to eat her up.

Remember when I made one of these for Neva? You thought it was so cool that she could "read" all the symbols and pictures that she saw in Walmart, driving down the road, or right in her own fridge. Well, Nori LOVES reading! So I couldn't wait to make her one. She thinks she is a big girl when she reads all by herself.

My little cutie pie.

They are both riding so good now. They love to ride, but hate getting hot.

Mili is my little angel. She loves to eat, take bottles, take naps and roll all around the house. She giggles non stop and thinks her sisters are hilarious. She holds her bottle, sleeps in her bed all night long and loves table food. She can't sit up yet, though both the older girls were sitting up by 6 months. (Nori was actually crawling, remember?) But no two are the same...I know.....I tell you what she CAN do, she can eat her foot on command. I can say "eat your foot!" and she puts it straight into her mouth and smiles. Talented? I think so. She is the best baby ever and she brightens my world with her big crooked smile.

how about this pose?

Her tongue comes out almost every time she smiles. She's so precious.

She is saying MaMaMaMaMa, which I think means "mama", and she's saying DaDaDaDaDa, which I think means "mama", too.

Michael is a workaholic, you know that. If he's not working at the donut shop, he's busy on the farm. I'm lucky if he walks in the door before dark. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's easy, because it's not. BUT, Michael is my emotional safety net. He has to put up with alot of crying and breakdowns in the minimal time that he is at home, and he handles it all so wonderfully. He is my best friend (aside from you, of course) and the absolute love of my life. I'm so blessed to have him and the beautiful family we created to ease the pain of my broken heart.

Brother Robby mentioned a "prayer walk"....Never heard of it. After he explained it, Amber and I took the kids to the elementary school and we prayed for a safe, healthy, and successful school year. The kids prayed too!

The best thing happening in my world is the strengthening of my faith. Each day, I feel closer to God--which makes me feel closer to you. I pray, constantly and I love every second of it. I still slip. I have moments when the darkness creeps in, but I don't let it linger. I chase it out as fast as I can. Perhaps these "down in the dumps" times will get farther apart as time goes on and my faith grows even stronger. This is my hope.

Well, I just wanted to talk to you and tell you what all has been happening. Talking to you always makes me feel better. I can't wait until I can hear your voice again.

I love you mama. All my heart.

Love,

Nikki