Help the Helpless

Brother Robby, with his arm around me and Nori, stood praying for our family and the news we were about to receive. He had minutes earlier been sitting on my mom's bed, talking with her and soothing her fears. He spoke of mom's situation during his prayer. He spoke of how he hoped it would all get better, but he prayed our lives and surrounding lives would be touched in the process. I found it hard to stop my nose from running with my head down, so I lifted it only to cry harder at the sight of both of my brothers cheeks covered in tears as they listened to him pray for our mom. I wasn't the only one scared. Yet I feel so alone. So helpless. Can prayer really help us? Oh please let it...

The events of the last day and a half have forever changed our lives. I am laying here awake on mom's living room floor at 2:00am crying, wondering why us? what I am going to do? I am listening closely to the sound of her breathing down the hall and making sure she doesn't need me. I have been in her room every hour (sometimes more) to monitor her fever and check her face for swelling. She is finally resting well, so that's good. She hasn't had hardly anything to eat all day because the extreme pain in her chest is reminiscent of heart burn combined with a weight sitting on her and it renders her pretty much unable to eat. I am petrified. I am heart broken. I am unfixable.

I left my house yesterday in a panic. I was waiting for my husband to get home, so I could go and physically check on mom. She had been complaining with a headache over the phone, so I was very concerned. She had her very first whole brain radiation treatment yesterday, so I felt this horrible headache was no coincidence. Michael was due home any minute, when I decided to call one last time to check on her. She informed me that the pain was so excruciating that she felt she needed to go to the ER. I desperately left my kids with Ms. Becky (my mother in law), though she is not in any condition to be keeping them right now. Especially with Neva having a contagious high-fever illness. But when she heard my situation, she didn't hesitate. "Leave them here...They are fine". SO I listened. I knew that if MY MOM said "I need to go to the ER", she NEEDED to go. When I arrived at her house, I was alarmed at what I saw. One of her eye balls...The EYE BALL was swollen. It was protruding from her head. Her entire face was huge. But her eyes were unlike anything I have ever seen. It was horrific. We took off to the ER. The admissions process was swift. We were in the back in no time. We were pleased to see the same Dr. that has dealt with my mom through each ER visit. He is absolutely wonderful. He felt strongly that mom's problem's were brought on by radiation, but not caused by radiation. What I mean is, the radiation was not causing the pain, but it could have aggravated something that WAS causing the pain. He felt like it was a migraine or a really bad sinus infection. I confessed to him that I was concerned.....OVERLY concerned about brain swelling. He agreed to do a CT scan,to put our minds at ease. In the mean time, they brought in a pain medicine that sounded like this "delauded". (I am positive the spelling is wrong), I had never heard of it, so I asked the nurse. "This is the big daddy", she jokingly said "it doesn't get any stronger than this" she added as she shot it into my mom's body. I was glad she would finally have some relief. But now, there was a new concern on the table. Her chest was bothering her pretty bad. I secretly wondered if it was related to the "heaviness" she had described a couple days earlier. I found myself secretly cursing radiation for bringing us here. I was cursing myself as well for not listening to my instincts that kept telling me that radiation was a bad idea. She became loopy from the medicine immediately. Thank you God. You could see some of the tension relieved from her face. The CT results revealed that her sinuses were fine. However, there appeared to be a little bit of blood on the brain. The Dr. gave us a couple of options. We could go immediately to see a neuro-surgeon in Hattiesburg or we could watch her closely over night, and follow up with a family Dr. OF COURSE mom chose to go home. I had been receiving calls and texts from Michael the entire time updating me of Neva's condition. She had almost 104 fever and he was working adamantly to break it. I knew as we left the hospital that I had to make a choice between "watching mom" and going home to my sick daughter. Luckily, both of my brothers stayed with mom and I was able to see to Neva.

It was a sleepless night. I was texting ever so often to check on her. I was so worried about her brain. Little did I know, her brain had NOTHING to do with her problems. I immediately began calling both oncology clinics this morning looking for the FIRST Dr. that could see us. I dropped the girls off and we took off to Dr. Pimperl's office (the radiation Dr. ) After a quick examination and a look over last night's CT, he concluded that there was NOTHING wrong with mom's brain. The "blood" that the ER Dr saw was there, but it was inside of a tumor...This is common and not the same thing as "brain bleeding". He felt the issue was related to her chest. He told us what all it COULD be...From the simple explanation to the worst case scenario. When he told us the bad stuff it could be, I began to cry uncontrollably. Perhaps (as she was gripping her chest), mom was in too much pain to cry or maybe she expected this all along. She was so brave. I cried as we left the clinic and through the admissions process. I cried hysterically when they took her away for her CT. I prayed and cried. Several people stopped to ask if I was ok. I was praying aloud. When I heard them finishing up the test through the door, I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Time to toughen up for mom. We went home to wait for the results.

Everyone was there. Even Michael came. It is not easy for him to leave his job. However it was equally difficult for Ronnie (a high school football coach) to be home on a Friday. We all waited in mom's bedroom for the results. Brother Robby came and left. It was a welcomed and much needed visit. But the fear still ached in our hearts. I looked around the room. It was sad but uplifting. My two brothers were laying in bed with mom. Amber rocked her little one from the foot of the bed. Michael and I sat on the floor. My girls were asleep in another room. With each ring of the phone, our hearts skipped a beat. We, as a family, had a much needed conversation about options. I told mom that we could leave today and go ANYWHERE she wanted to go. The sky is the limit. "I don't want to be away from my family" she said bluntly. We told her we would follow her wherever she went. "I am not going around the world chasing a cure that doesn't exist. I trust my Dr.s here. They are doing all they can do. I am putting my life in the Lord's hands". I asked "mom, are you settling for second best to please us or anyone else?" (this is something that has been said to me lately and it had me wondering). She responded quickly: "what?? I am pleasing MYSELF. This is what I want. I MAY change my mind later, but for now, I want to be here". We all respect her decision.

Finally, when we could no longer handle the anxiety of the situation, I called the clinic for results. It was the worst case scenario. I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. Apparently, just 3 short weeks since mom's last chemo cycle, the cancer in her chest has started growing. This is much faster than either oncologist expected. The cancer is pressing on a vein to her heart that is forcing it to "back up" and cause  the swelling and discomfort in mom's head. They told us in the beginning they would only radiate mom's chest if it was a "life or death" or "quality of life" situation. Well, they wanted to radiate her chest immediately. I didn't ask what category mom fell in. I am hoping "quality of life". I delivered the news to mom and my brothers. Everyone was strong. It was the hardest thing we have been through to date. Her brain cancer now takes a back burner to her much more urgent lung cancer.

The rest of the day is a blur of signing consent forms and listening to possible side effects that are equally as scary as the cancer itself. My aunts made the trip from Taylorsville to comfort us. I watched her on that monitor once again. I had to remind myself that the radiation had not caused mom's recent ailments. It actually might have led them to find the source of her problem a little quicker. I watched my mom laying there on that table. She is just so pitiful. There is nothing I can do. I asked the Dr. if (statistically speaking) the other cancers in her body would follow in this cancer's footsteps. He gave me a very unclear answer. I know these things differ from patient to patient. Perhaps I don't WANT to know the answer.

So now, here I am. With my sick little girl in tow. My little toddler that doesn't understand why things are so different. As much as they love Gammy's house, and any other time they would BEG to be here. Turns out it is not as fun when she is confined to the back room, so they keep asking to go home. They keep asking to see her, so I have to remind them that "gammy has ouchies right now". My heart is feeling broken and lost. Why can't this all just stop? What did we do? It just keeps getting worse. I need my mom. Now more than ever. I am devastated. I have pictured myself in this situation in the past. I worried my mom would get sick. But, in my fears, modern science always had an option. I don't remeber worrying that there would be no cure. There IS NO cure. We are stuck. There is no help out there. All we have is our faith to lean on now. Please help us God.