Life Saver, Anyone?

I am swimming in a salty ocean comprised of my own tears. The night is dark but the water is darker. As my last little bit of light fades on the horizon, I am blinded by my own fears. I spend my time battling each wave of difficulty and anger with all my might. But the relentlessness of the ocean forces the waves to continue crashing against my body. I feel myself losing momentum. I feel myself losing my fight. I am gasping with panic. All of my effort is now being put toward keeping my face above the water........


I have been lost in a world of anger, promising to cause future regret. The last couple of days mom has been down. Really down. So I am too. It is painstaking to watch her eat two bites, struggle to swallow, then vomit soon after. She has not been drinking. She says that EVERYTHING hurts. While I want to be sympathetic and understand, I just don't. I, unwillingly, have allowed some anger to build up inside my heart again. I am mad at everything and everyone. Even mom. I don't understand. She cannot eat, but she continues to smoke. What is it with this drug? Why can she not defeat it? She is fighting her cancer like a mortal enemy threatening to take her livelihood. But the "friend" that knowingly invited the enemy over, is still her friend. I just don't get it. I know that, never having been in her situation, I cannot say what I would or would not do. Neither can anyone else. All I know, is my anger persists. But it's not just the smoking that infuriates me. I am mad that she is losing weight. I am mad that she cannot hold her meds down some days. I am mad that she sleeps alot. I am mad that she cant play with my kids. I am mad that I have to tell them in the car, before we get out at mom's house "be gentle with Gammy, she has ouchies".  I am infuriated that she got her little dream car, but only drives it to radiation appointments. I am SOOOO mad that my mom is sick! I cannot begin to imagine going through what my mama's going through. Sick. Tired. Battling a 30 yr habit that has brought you to an unfortunate destination. To wake up in the morning feeling like you're fighting a losing battle. But she battles on. Each day is a fight for her. A literal FIGHT. Things that come easy to you and me, like walking to the bathroom, cooking breakfast, talking on the phone, these are all difficult tasks for her. But she continues to fight. I am so proud of her for that. I often wonder, that if I was in her situation,  would I be so strong? Would I give up? I like to think "no". But what I see her do everyday is HARD. She is the strongest person I know. I hope I have enough of her in me, to make me fight like that, when needed. She is so motivated to beat this thing. I don't know what it feels like to be her. I only know what it feels like to be the daughter. And it's horrible. The tears stream my face as I type tonight, or this morning, trying to find some relief. I cannot waste another second feeling anger toward her. We all know how valuable these seconds are. What is wrong with me? Why is the anger back? Aren't there stages that you go through? I thought I was past the angry stage. I will never be mean to my mom. But the person I could talk to about AIR, I have had to just force myself to make conversation with for 2 days now. I left her house today, in a whirlwind, unable to watch her cough until she vomited even once more.  I will NEVER be mean to my mom. I will NEVER "blow up" on her with a volcano of emotions like I once did in the beginning of this. I learned quickly that this gets me nothing but regret. So, I kissed her. I told her I loved her. That's just how I was raised. And I left. I was already worried about her by the time I was backing out of the driveway, but I knew I must leave. Though I tried to hide it, my negativity was apparent. I am so devastated about her condition that I literally cannot view it. When I am there I stare at the tv, my phone, or keep busy to avoid eye contact with her frail frame. I spend my minutes WITH her feeling helpless and broken. I spend my few minutes AWAY from her, feeling lost and worried sick. I cannot be pleased. I know that the Nikki 6 months from now will be very angry with the Nikki from the last 2 days. She is selfishly taking valuable time away, by not keeping her emotions in check. I am already mad at her, and I am just mere hours beyond the actual behavior. I should not have left her with things so undone. I should never walk away from her with unspoken words, and I know this. I have fought these feelings so hard over the last 48 hours, to protect her from them. But she knows. I know as hard as I try to hide them, she can see right through me. She has not asked me, but I know she wonders what is wrong. Or perhaps she already knows. The feelings just crept up. I wasn't expecting them and they are not welcomed. But now that they are here, how do I rid myself of the unwanted company? I was relieved to have a good talk to with my older brother. For once IN LIFE, we are on the same page. He too, battles the anger that apparently accompanies having an ailing parent. It made me feel better, but not really. There is only one thing that can make me feel better. And I am so ready for that day. The day they announce mom's miracle. I pray for that day. That day, is my only life saver.