Deal or No Deal

I stared at her sitting in the chair at Dr. Pimperl's office. My previous anger was replaced by guilt and fear. She is skinny and weak. I noticed her sway when she stood up. Her blood pressure read 81/69. As we waited for the dr., she reached over and grabbed my hand and whispered "I'm sorry" with a trembling lip and her eyes closed. I could tell she felt horrible. "Don't be sorry, mom." I whispered back.When he walked in, he explained our options. The side effects of the radiation are effecting mom worse than average. Because of this, he refused to do radiation until her vital signs were stronger. More than this, she had a decision to make: Continue radiation (and facing the horrible side effects) or stop radiation (and face possible cancer growth).........

Since I last posted, things have progressively gotten worse. Mom has been completely unable to eat or drink. She says she is trying her best, but I find myself doubting this. I have tried making her potato soup, I went and got jello, pudding, Popsicles, chocolate ice cream, and lots of other soft foods. Nothing works. She asked for some meal replacement drinks (similar to ensure) and I picked them up. She didn't like the taste. Her throat and taste buds are completely burnt up. Foods that she used to adore, make her sick when she feels the texture on her tongue. The nausea is better, but I believe that's only because her food and drink intake has dramatically decreased. Dr. Pimperl said that if she continued on this path, (not eating and drinking) she WOULD end up in the hospital. This could lead to an increased risk of developing other infections due to her lowered immunity. A hospital stay could be very detrimental for mom's health. The only way to end the side effects (making it easier for her to eat and drink) is to end the radiation. But ending radiation before the full therapy is over, can be very detrimental as well. After receiving a 2 hour IV of fluids, she went home Monday with a decision to make.

Tuesday when she went to Dr. Pimperl's office, she announced her decision. She wanted to fight the side effects and continue treatment. I was so proud of her. Worried, but proud. But unfortunately, with a BP of 90/69 he REFUSED to do radiation, again. He told her if she didn't feel any better by today (Wednesday), not to worry about coming. She didn't feel better, so she didn't go. I am sitting here in her living room now. While she sleeps on the couch and the girls sleep in her bed, I find myself wondering what tomorrow holds. I am so scared. I see pictures of my mom around the house. She is healthy and smiling with meat on her bones and a full head of hair. When I glance toward the couch I see a frail frame with a sad, tired face and an almost bald head. I miss her.  I miss her SO much. At this point, I don't know what I hope for: Continued radiation to fight the cancer OR a break from the scary side effects. Is there any choice that actually results positively?