When I wrote this morning, I thought that this would be a day dedicated to my house and girls, since mom was doing a little better yesterday. I knew she was sleeping awfully late, but I assumed she over did it a bit yesterday. I went ahead and signed her contract and received her copy from the funeral home, (to save her a trip). Then I ran in walmart, not for groceries (I was too antsy for that), but for necessities. Then I went to her house. I arrived at 12:30pm, and SHE WAS STILL ASLEEP. Ok, she slept most of the night, all morning, and into midday.....Somethings up. I called the clinic and was surprised when they immediately called me back. They wanted her to come in for blood work, they wanted to look at her urine, and they wanted to give her some fluids. Amber was headed to school and Josh was headed to work, so mama carpooled with them and they dropped her off at the clinic. We didn't want her to go by herself, but I had no other choice. The girl's are not allowed. Everyone in my world was unable to babysit at the time. I stayed at mom's house and put my kids down for nap. I spent the next hour texting back and forth with mom, the aunts and my brothers. I couldn't make my stomach stop turning and my hands stop shaking. I think my nerves have finally caught up with me. I've actually been shaking for a couple days and sick on my stomach. I've put on a couple pounds with mom feeling good, but now with her down again, I am nauseous and have trouble thinking of foods that are appealing. I just kept thinking about her laying in that bed all day. How horrible must you feel, to not have enough energy to even WAKE UP. I feel so bad for her. I want to help her, I want to be with her. But my hands were tied. So I just waited and cried. She finally text me and said, "they want me to get platelets over at the hospital". I called immediately. She just received platelets at the end of last week, and she needs them again. This is not good. She said "I'm just going to walk". "No mama! You ARE NOT walking in that heat!". I woke my girls and tossed them in the car. A small nap is better than no nap in the world of behavior. We flew to the clinic, then over to the hospital. The wait was short and before I knew it we were in a room. The big mystery here, is that before the platelets, Dr. Penland called for a CT of the chest. Mom JUST had a CT last week (remember? It revealed the cancer was the same). She also had an xray at the beginning of this week. I became upset thinking that they may have saw something new on the xray. I am still petrified and mystified that this test happened today. I am trying to not think about it.
My kids have been in tow all day. The funeral home, wal-mart, the waiting roomS, the hospital room. And I have been pretty much the worst mom alive. Snappy. Impatient. No Fun. Emotional. I hate nights like tonight. Nights that I look at my sleeping angels, then feel guilty because they got the short end of the stick today. It is not their fault that gammy's sick. It is not their fault that they are active and waiting rooms are not playgrounds. It is not their fault that they have no volume control. Yet sometimes I feel that I penalize them for it. Just for being kids. Ah guilt. My new best friend. Luckily, their daddy met us for a fast food supper and took them home. Nori loves her daddy. Neva is a mama's baby that he had to bribe with watching "Transformer's Number One when we get home...." just like that, she threw away her moody mama like a bad habit.
I returned to the hospital to mom and Ronnie. The aunts had come and gone and Josh was at work. This gave the three of us the opportunity to have a very interesting discussion about options. The subject has been up for debate recently about seeking different medicines and treatment options for mama's cancer. I am particularly sensitive about this subject, because I want the decision for experimental or new medicines, techniques or treatments to be mama's and mama's alone. I WILL NOT voice my personal opinion as to whether I am pro or anti. The thing is, we have finished chemo. In 3 weeks we will finish radiation. With the plan we have been given, we just wait. We wait for the cancer to grow. This scares me beyond words, and I don't like it. From what I have read (I don't read anymore--too sad), this is the typical small cell pattern. I am not opposed to trying new things. However, I am opposed to forcing my opinion on mama. If she wants it, we will do it. If she don't, I will not pressure her. She is of sound mind (somewhat), and she can decide what to do with her own body. 10 years from now I will not regret allowing her to make her own decision. However, if I pressure her to take drugs that will drag her down more, perhaps for NO reason, making her quality of life miserable.....I will hate myself forever. I know this with great certainty. I will always encourage her to fight. To take her meds. To stay up-beat and nourish herself. I won't let her give up. But I can't pretend that I know what she's thinking or feeling or physically experiencing right now. So I won't pretend to know what she needs to do and what she doesn't. I have to trust that she will make the right decision for herself. I trust, with all of my heart, that she will do that. If not for herself, for us and her grandkids (the 4 loves of her life). I told her all of this. I told her that I would support her no matter what. Ronnie agreed. Ronnie is FOR the idea of different treatments, (he DID voice his opinion) but he also wants her to decide. She told us that right now, she is not open minded about new dr's or treatments. But she cannot say what the future holds. She warned us that there may come a day that she says "alright, I'm done. No more chemo". I told her that I would encourage her to continue, but still support her decision. That is a tough thought, that I would rather not entertain. After we talked, I think we all felt a little bit better. Scared but better.
She finished around 9:30pm. She was exhausted. She looked a little better, but still not good. She was out of breath really bad and coughing as I walked away from her and headed to my car. Without Amber at her house tonight, I have to trust that she will let Ronnie know if she feels bad or thinks she has a fever. I am very worried and paranoid. A long gloomy day followed by a sleepless tear filled night. Guess I'll wash that all down with a tall glass of Mother's Guilt. My how my plans changed.
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