Tough Stuff

I have been having a difficult time lately. Mom has been okay....Not great. She is sleeping 3/4 or more of the day away. The dr. says that she needs this rest. He encouraged her to be somewhat active, but not to the point that it makes her more tired. That's a tough thing to do. Just about everything wears her out. I have been at her house most all day everyday. It is hard to watch her sleep. She is so pitiful. She puts on a weak smile when she wakes up. She even musters up the strength to "play" with the kids. This play usually consists of her talking to them or singing to them while still laying down. The kids don't understand what is happening to their Gammy. Or their mommy.

Dr. Pimperl has been radiating mom's chest AND brain at the same time. This is double the toxicity, double the fatigue, double the various side effects. We had an appointment with Dr. Penland today. It consisted of some difficult conversation that I was not even remotely ready for. Most people with mom's cancer have about 3-6 mos of the cancer not moving. Mom's started back moving in three weeks. So, in two weeks (after radiation ends) we will begin a new type of chemo. Mom is already experiencing some symptoms that are reminiscent of the beginning of all this, when the cancer was at it's largest (difficulty breathing, heaviness in her chest, etc.), so we are worried more cancer could be on the move. If the symptoms continue, mom may have to have chemo and radiation at the same time. This will be VERY hard on her little body.

Today we discussed things that the Dr. needed to know. Hard things. Things I try not to think about. Things I didn't think I would HAVE to think about for a LONG time. I was crying through the entire conversation. Who will care for my mom if/when the treatments completely stop working? I told her I would be moving in with mama to care for her if she needed it. I could not figure out (still can't) why we had to talk about this today....Why? I couldn't stop crying. Mom commented on my being super emotional and Dr. Penland countered with "Brenda, she's losing her mom. It's not easy." That was a heartbreaking comment to hear. I'm not REALLY losing her, am I? I thought things were just tough, but they would get better....right? The conversation rocked on, and Mom told her "I will see Nikki's baby be born", Dr. Penland sighed and said "we'll try". This tore through my soul like a bull in a china shop. "We'll try"???? I thought she'd be here far past my baby's birth (which I figure will be in February).....What does she mean "We'll try"?? Is there actually a chance she won't be here? Seriously? The Dr. then spoke of "the end". Would mom want to be at home or in the hospital? Mom preferred home, but didn't want her house to carry a negative stigma for us after she passed. That is why she was leaning toward the hospital. I stayed quiet. This is uncharted territory for me. I don't even know what is happening right now. Who are these people and what are they saying? Dr. Penland assured mom that she has seen this many times and families find more comfort and closure at home. Mom agreed to this plan. Dr. Penland closed with "These things are hard. We are not there yet, but I need to know these things". This conversation left me completely broken and dumbfounded. Why are we even discussing this stuff? Mom's going to get better, right? We left the clinic quiet and lost in thought. I barely said "bye" to her. Just a quick hug and a "I love you". This is not where I thought we'd be right now.

Mom went straight over to radiation. I stopped by Shipleys to get my girls and have a breakdown. Michael held me tight and fought back his own tears. Neva said nothing. Nori repeated "I love you mama, - MUCH!" over and over. They just kissed their sad mommy repeatedly. At one point we were all four hugging in Michael's office and I was sobbing aloud. The girls and I left to go meet mom as she walked out of her radiation appt. I may be sad, but she needs me. This has got to be hard for her too, even if she acts all tough. I HAVE to be there for her. She could tell by my face that I was having a hard time with the contents of todays appt. Though she was not crying, I could tell she was too. She has this look to her when she is sad or scared. I know it like the back of my hand. She is quiet too. We sat in the parking lot and she told me "it's not over, Nikki.....I'm NOT giving up". I told her that I regret nothing, but I sure never thought when I decided to get pregnant, that there would even be a small chance that she would not be there". She repeated "I'm not going anywhere right now Nikki". We then went to the park and to Shipleys to have lunch. There wasn't alot of conversation. I guess I am more like her than I thought. I, too, found it hard to make conversation. I asked her if she was sad and she said " I have mixed emotions". I asked if she was ready to look at other options and she said "I don't want to waste my remaining time". We agreed to not discuss the contents of todays appointment or believe any of the bad stuff. She says all of her faith is in the Lord. I am so scared.

This is entirely too hard to write about. Please pray.