She's Proud of Me......

I've let some pictures pile up without sharing. Here are a few....

Nori watching carefully as her Gammy speed peels some potatoes for the potato salad we had on Monday. She is the best peeler ever!

I had the kids cut the pickles for the potato salad as well. It was truly a team effort. The girls actually ate most of their pickles, but at least they tried to help....

A big dinner to say "be careful" to Josh as he headed out on his first out of state trip with his new job.

Mom spent some time in her room. I hope she didn't actually expect privacy! (She was feeling kind of yucky)

Tuesday, Neva helped her Gammy take out the trash. Mom REALLY wasn't doing good on this day.

As he was headed out.....

Quite possibly the worst day I have seen of mama so far. This was Thursday. She was pitiful.

I had a rough night Thursday after seeing her so horrible. Then on Friday morning, she surprised all of us when she woke up (ON HER OWN) got dressed and drove her own car to town! She even went in Wal-Mart with me to get party supplies!

Since she felt so good, I headed home to let the girls get a little fun home-time.

The next day was Nori's 2nd bday party. I can't believe my little princess is already 2. Well, her bday is actually on the 5th, but since I am having Mili tomorrow,  I rushed the party. It is the most thrown together party EVER. The day started with us going to Mi Casitas for lunch. Mom didn't eat too good. But she DID go. She was quiet and seemed tired. I could tell she was in  some pain too.

Nap time at Gammy's house. Aunt Sharon and Kason were there too.

See what I am talking about? Nori doesn't even watch Dora! When I asked her what kind of party she wanted, she said "Dora". So, I went with it. That cake was beautiful and delish too!

Mom woke Nori from nap, got her ready and brought her to the donut shop for the party.

Aunt Punk smiling on Nori and Amber

The sun through the windows was a killer. I had hot flashes the whole time...

My baby is growing up....

Whats up with the fake smiles?

The boys enjoyed the cake!

Poor Rylee....That sun was baking us all.

It didn't stop the girls from enjoying the gift opening process!

I tried not to look at her. I was thankful she was there, but man, I missed the laughing and joking and healthy mom....

See, I was sweating down.

You can't really tell, but Nori has makeup all over her face. She got a ton of makeup for her bday.

Then, today was our last little tea party with just "us girls". The girls got all dressed up and we had princess cookies. They are so precious. They are my everything.

Here is Nori fixing her Gammy's "hair". Mom sounded EXCELLENT on the phone this morning. I haven't seen her, because Nori has been sick. Hearing her say "ONE MORE DAY!!!! I am SO excited!!!!" over the phone, took me back to a healthier mom. When she showed up at my house today to babysit for my final dr's appt, I was disappointed at what I saw. I guess I literally thought I would open the door to my precancer mom. She looked like she was hurting. She admitted that she was having some pretty intense pain in her side that the meds were not controlling.

 When I got back, mom was ok. She immediately starting putting her shoes on to head home. I was really worried about her. I asked if she really thought she was going to be able to be in the delivery room and she responded quickly "YES! I am going to be there!".

I have to admit, I am very, very nervous. What do you do with 3 kids? Where do you put your groceries in the buggy? How will the girls adapt? How will mom do without me glued to her side? HOW WILL I DO WITHOUT BEING GLUED TO MOM'S SIDE? Will Mili be okay? Can I do this? Can I balance it all?

When mom got home today, sensing my nervousness, she called to soothe me a bit. She said " you have done it! It's over! You have breezed through a pregnancy with two kids, a sick mom and a husband that works all the time. You are so good at being a mom! You didn't get it from me.....I don't know where you got it from. I am SOOO proud of you. Tomorrow we are getting a brand new little baby! I love you so much!"

I reminded her that I got EVERYTHING from her. She is responsible for all that is good in me (and some of the bad too). I started to cry hearing her praise me. " I don't know why you are so hard on yourself. It kills me that you are so critical of yourself. You are a great mama. I AM so proud of you. You know that." I do know it. But, I can't hear it enough. We spoke for a while longer. She made me feel ALOT better. I could tell she was still hurting. But she put her horrible pain aside to soothe my fears.

She SAID I didn't get my "mama skills" from her.....Her actions everyday prove otherwise. What a lady. What a mama. She's proud of me?  I am proud of HER!

Wish me Luck.....

It's Raining, It's Pouring...........

ME: "I don't care if you're able to do anything else mama....I just want you in the delivery room with me. I need you there".

MOM: "I know, baby I told you I would be there. I'm going to be there. I can keep the girls too. I told you I would......."

This is part of the conversation that mom and I had over the phone earlier. Unfortunately, I have not seen her in two days. That is the longest we have been apart in months. My heart aches to see her. But Saturday, during Nori's little birthday party, I noticed that she was kind of whiny. Sure enough, that night, Nori spiked a fever of almost 104. I kept her home from church and did everything in my power to control her fever until we could see Dr. Chard today. Nori's throat was red. Her glands were enlarged. The dr. blamed tonsillitis and told me to stay away from mama until Nori had been fever-free for at least 24hrs. My little baby is horribly sick. The fever alone is one thing, but her cough....Oh my goodness her little cough. It hurts me to hear it. If mom caught this from her....Well, I don't really want to think about it. She is completely against us "shielding" her from her sick grandchild.  And quite frankly, I am tempted to just go over there. I know my time with mama is limited and I don't want to lose even one minute. Also, Mili will be here Wednesday. Me and mom have always spent quality time with one another before my children are born. I miss that time greatly. But, I have to do what I have to do to protect my mama. They say "when it rains it pours". Well, as I sit here with a sick toddler, a preschooler that will (more than likely) get sick too, a mama that keeps getting worse, a baby coming in 2 days, contractions washing over me like ocean waves, and a complete inability to see my best friend in the whole world (mama), I have to agree.

It has been a roller coaster the last couple of days. One minute, I think mom is ok. The next, I am scared to death of how much time we have left. The only thing that has been a constant, is the tremendous amount of pain that she has been in. If she steps to hard and jars her body, she yells in pain. If she twists the wrong way, she yells in pain. She moans constantly in her sleep. We have had our theories about the source of the pain, but they were pretty much confirmed by the Hospice nurse today. She told mom that the way she describes her pain is consistent with the symptoms of cancer growth. The cancer is slowly taking over my mama's little body. Though I am so elated about the upcoming arrival of my little angel, I am overwhelmed by fear of my mama's situation. Against her wishes, they upped her medicine today. They told her that the increase would probably make her drowsy. This comment is scary to me, considering how much mama is sleeping already. She has been planning on keeping the girls for me while I am in the hospital. She has said so since the moment she found out I was pregnant. I was skeptical about her ability to do so. But, until today, I was actually considering it. But now, I have to see how this new medicine regiment is going to make her feel. Like I told her, as long as she is in the delivery room with me, I will be happy. I NEED her there.

Just before nap time today, after the girls took turns pottying and getting comfortable, I could hear them talking. They were getting settled in their bed and anxiously awaiting me to tell them a story about a pink dragon (their favorite). Nori began to cough her pitiful cough.....Neva listened then said in the softest little sympathetic voice you can imagine "Awww, sweetie. That hurts don't it?" Nori cried out in pain after her coughing spell ended (like she has been doing) and said "mmmm hhmmm" in a really sad tone. "Well" Neva soothed, "I am sorry you 're sick. You are coughing like Gammy. But Gammy has cancer. You don't have cancer. Little kids don't get cancer. Just Gammy's do. You are going to get better. Gammy won't get better. Her medicine don't work". I stood outside the door with tears in my eyes. Yes, I told Neva that mama had cancer. Yes, I told her that mama's medicine wasn't working. But as I stood there listening to her tell her little sister all these things that are rolling through her mind, I wondered if maybe I have been too honest with them. That is not all, here are a few things that have been said lately:

Neva:
"Mama why do you take TUMS?"
Me:
"Because I have really bad heartburn, Neva. They don't really help though."
Neva:
"How come your medicine don't work, and Gammy's medicine don't work, and Papaw the Great's medicine didn't work?"


Nori:
"Ms. Myrt die? Go to Heaven?"
Me:
"Yes sweet heart, Ms. Myrt died and she went to Heaven."
Nori:
"Papaw Great die? Go to Heaven?"
Me:
Yes, baby Papaw the Great is in Heaven"
Neva:
"Is my Gammy going to Heaven?"


Neva:
"Mama look! My bones stick out like Gammy's! Are they sticking out of my back too?"


Nori:
"Chemo make Gammy hair fall out. It all gone."

Neva:
"Why can't I stay at Gammy's house and eat popcorn and sleep on a pallet and watch tv like I used to?"


I could go on and on and on. Neva is going through the inquisitive stage. EVERYTHING is "How? Why? Who? Where? What?" It never ends. I try to be honest without being scary. Nori feeds off of Neva. She will hear her sister talk about something, then repeat it over and over. I am equally moved and amazed by their innocent words, but they sometimes cut me like a knife.

I'm going to post some recent pictures, but this could quite possibly be my last written post before my new little daughter arrives. I have spent the last 39 weeks worried sick that my mom wouldn't make it. I pictured myself in the delivery room lost in sorrow as I brought a child into this world that the most important woman in my life would never meet. I feared I would never see my mom's teary eyed expression as she smiles and looks at her youngest grandchild for the first time. I never regretted my decision to get pregnant, but I worried about the consequences of my choices. My consequences. Mili's consequences. Consequences for all involved. Well, she fought hard, kept her word, and she made it. She beat the odds. She will be with me holding my hand as I welcome the newest edition to our family. I am the most blessed person in the world. I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I know that is why she is still here right now. No doubt in my mind. Your thoughts, prayers, and my mama's unwavering strength and faith. These are blessings that even the strongest rain can't wash away.

Hope Floats

I just keep hoping that she will wake up energized. I keep hoping that after she sleeps all that fatigue off, she will feel better. I have been hoping for days now. When she is awake, she is either really affectionate and loving or really vacant and quiet. Her pain is obvious in her face and her movements. She cannot find a comfortable position to sit or lay in. I want to wake her, but feel guilty doing so because of how she hurts when she is awake. It is amazing how we got here. A few days ago, she was eating bbq and hanging out with us. A couple days ago, though she wasn't great, she was yelling "boo!" at the girls over and over to make them giggle. Today, she barely spoke to any of us during the very small amount of time that she was awake. She stared straight ahead and shifted back and forth trying to get comfortable. She seemed annoyed with our steady stream of questions.

When I got to her house around lunch time, I asked her to go eat with us. She reluctantly agreed and even went to her room to get dressed. It was very obvious that she didn't feel like leaving the house. "Mom, if you don't feel like going, you don't have to..." I said. " I really don't", she replied softly. I was heart broken. I thought I was about to have her back for a little while. Then as I was putting the girl's in their car seats, from the front porch she said "we ought to take the girls on our little trip tomorrow...or today.." I looked at her. She was absolutely pitiful. "Mom, it's not going to be the same if your miserable. I want you to feel good when we go". She said nothing. I kept waiting for "I'm fine, let's go!", but it never came. I secretly wondered if it ever would. I took the girls to eat lunch with their daddy at Shipleys. Then, we headed back to her house for the girl's nap time. She never woke up when we got there. In fact, I don't know if she would have woke up, had I not shook her.

For the next couple of hours she was awake, but a far cry from being "my mama". She was lost in her pain. Pain that she was trying so hard to hide from me. The kids know something is up. They have been very affectionate with her. More so than usual (and that's alot). I stay on top of them because I am so scared they will hurt her accidentally. Neva missed her nap today and was very ill. At one point, every little thing was making her cry. I made her go into the play room (my old bedroom) to lay down and calm down a bit. A few minutes later, mama was missing. She was in there laying with Neva. I don't know what was said or done. I just know Neva came out better than she went in. That felt good to see. It was the only glimpse of my "real mama" that I saw all day, until Michael took the girls home.

I decided to stay and keep an eye on her until Ronnie got home from a banquet. She seemed happy that I stayed, but still told me that I shouldn't have. "It makes me feel guilty when you leave your girls for me" she said. "I assure you mama, they would RATHER be with their daddy, than me". I tried to ease her mind. I cried and told her how scared I was. "Is this how it happens?" I asked her through my tears....."I don't know" she said. "This is new to all of us". I was glad she was awake and talking to me (these are both now considered luxuries). She held my hand and periodically wiped my tears away. "Where all are you hurting? Why don't you want me to call anyone?" I asked. This wasn't the first time I have asked these questions in the last few days....I just hoped to get a straight forward answer this time. "I am hurting in my side, in my stomach, in my neck and in my back" she admitted. "If you call Hospice, they are just going to up my medicine, and I don't want that. I promise, if it gets worse, I will call them tomorrow. I just want you to calm down. I want you to trust me. I told you I would be here when the baby was born, and nobody believed me". "But mama", I interrupted "She's not here yet" I reminded her. "I WILL be here. I told you that, and I will be. And I am fine right now. Believe me. I am just really tired". She spoke strongly. It was nice to hear her like that. "Is this fatigue something you think you need to fight, or do you think you really need the rest?" I asked. I know that only SHE knows the answer to this question. "I think it's helping me", she responded. I have to accept that answer. I have no reason to think otherwise. If she needs the sleep, I have to allow her to get it, within reason. I cried for a bit longer. We hugged and talked for a while. Then, she went back to her room to try and get comfortable. She knew I was "babysitting her" and didn't like it, but understood why.

When Ronnie got home, we talked very frankly about the situation. My aunts are pushing for more treatments, more opinions, more locations.....But we know with all of our hearts, that even a small dose of chemo right now would kill mama. We are in complete agreement about that fact. She's just too weak. She is quick to say that she feels way better with the chemo out of her system. I believe if she had continued with the chemo, she would not be with us right now.  But, none the less, she is very tired and frail from just fighting the cancer. Ronnie cried and I cried as we wondered if she would be here next week, or the next. I missed my little brother during this heartfelt conversation. Unfortunately, he was working. He confided in me before he left that he was scared that "something would happen to mom" while he was gone. At the time, I thought it wasn't a possibility. Now, I see that her condition can literally flip like a switch.

Before I left, we both went back to her room. She sleepily kissed us both and hugged us with her bony little body. "I love y'all so much" she said groggily. I hugged and kissed her several more times before actually leaving.

I cried hysterically the whole way home. I found my car pulling into the yard of my mother in law and father in law. I walked up to their porch and was literally greeted with open arms. I just couldn't go home in that shape. I didn't want the girls to see me. I cried while sitting in their living room. They listened. They offered to help any way that they could. Unfortunately, no one can help me now.

 I just hope, with all of my heart, that tomorrow is different. I hope she will wake up and we will be on our way somewhere, or we will be in the yard, or we will be tickling the kids and giggling in her bed. Anything. I hope my mama comes back. Back like she was just last week! I'll gladly take that. With all of my tears, I sure hope that Hope Floats.

Minutes Earlier

Just minutes earlier, he had been telling me to stop crying. Minutes earlier he had reminded me that we had alot more bad days to come. Minutes earlier he had said it wasn't good for the girls to see me like that. Minutes earlier, he pretended that he  was confident. But now, as I was hugging him "goodbye", my cheek brushed his and my face was was wet with his tears. Then I moved from the light, and it showed his red eyes. His true feelings had found their way out from where they had been hiding, just minutes earlier...................

I never thought today would be a great day for mom, just based on her condition the last few days. But I NEVER thought it would be like this. This morning we were to get up, get ready and head to Jackson. We intended to stay the night in a hotel with an indoor pool so we could swim the night away (my girls' favorite thing), then have supper at a fun restaurant, THEN go to the Mississippi Children's Museum tomorrow, before heading home. Just me, mom and my girls. It was going to be a fun "last horah" type thing before Mili gets here. It will be a while before she can really get out a whole lot, not to mention how dramatically life itself is going to change for my little girls when they get their brand new, much anticipated little sister.

Yesterday, mom watched the girls while I went to the dr. She slept pretty much up until my appointment. Luckily, the girls slept almost the whole time I was gone. So I think she had it pretty easy. I found out that Mili will be here 2/1/12 by induction (if not sooner naturally). Both of my deliveries were induced in the past, and I REALLY wanted to experience things happening naturally this time....But I absolutely CANNOT wait. Everyday has brought more and more uncertainty and worse and worse fatigue and symptoms of the disease. I am scared of how she will be Wednesday, forget waiting any longer than that. Yesterday's news brought with it a sense of relief. Though I know there are NO guarantees in life, I felt pretty confident that my mom would be here for the delivery and meet her brand new grand daughter. This is something I have prayed for for 38 weeks. Mom was excited too. She expressed a desire to get out of the house. So we ran down to the store, grabbed us all a snack, then went riding. We looked at houses and rode down roads we never travel anymore. We talked about everything. It was great. She looked pretty bad. Tired, pale, weak. But she spoke with spirit. She held my hand the whole time. I noticed she was sitting in a weird position and asked her if she was okay. She lied and said that she was. I then noticed her gripping herself every time we hit a bump in the road. If you have ever went riding down Jones County back roads, you know hitting bumps and pot holes is inevitable. So, I took her home. It was a nice ride. Not long enough. But nice. I worried about that pain. I know what it is. I don't want to know, but I do. When we got to her house, Ronnie was there. I gave him the daily update, told him to call me if he needed me and headed home to cook a gourmet supper (hot dogs and Funyuns). I spoke to her a couple times before I went to bed. Once to confirm our plans for today (the trip to Jackson). She seemed excited. Then again to tell her that Ms. Bonita from the church had called me to tell me about a gift basket she and some of the ladies had put together for me and Mili (we were both really excited about that!). I knew she wasn't 100%, not even close....But, once again, I had no idea what was to follow when she got up this morning...or actually, when she DIDN'T get up....

I laid out her medicine, again, last night. Ronnie is more than capable of doing this, but I find great satisfaction in doing it myself. I lay it out, he gives it to her. I take the day shift, he takes the night. Josh is comic relief. Teamwork. Anyway, this morning, I called as usual. There was NO answer, as usual. I knew she was sleeping in, as usual. Amber went to check on her for me, as usual. When she called me, there was fear in her voice. Mom didn't look good. Come to find out, as Amber watched her sleep--she counted her breaths. Her breathing concerned Amber greatly. She sat and watched her sleep for a while. Then mom woke herself up coughing. Amber gave her her meds for the day. With Amber sitting there, Mama called me and talked to me for about two minutes. She said she was going to check the weather channel, then call me back to get our trip planned out. That was around 10:30.  Amber left soon after that. She called me from the driveway. Mom had been awake for only a few minutes, but was falling asleep sitting straight up. Amber was very concerned with mom's appearance and behavior. I told her I was headed over there RIGHT after my girls woke up from their nap. After all, they needed some rest for their fun filled couple of days.

I tried to call mama several times before nap, during nap and directly after nap. I knew the trip was out. There was no way. If she was sleeping this long, something was wrong. My concern and anxiety was growing to an astronomical degree. I literally thought I might have a panic attack before I made it to her. The last I heard from her was at 10:30. I pulled into her yard at almost 4:00. I made the kids wait outside while I walked in. Don't ask why. When I saw her, my heart skipped a beat. I immediately started staring at her chest just waiting for it to rise and fall. Now I see why Amber was so concerned. She looks horrible. She was STILL asleep. All night, all morning, and she looked as though she was going to sleep on into the evening or even longer. I was beside myself. I woke her up. She wasn't talking. She was quiet. I fixed her a sandwich, because I knew she had not eaten,  a glass of tea and laid out her medicine. She took her medicine. She barely spoke to me or the kids. She ignored the food.  Neva asked her to read her a story. Mom read two pages, then handed the book to Ronnie to finish. I felt sick. That NEVER happens. I sat across the room and cried silently. She laid her head back of the couch and dozed off sitting straight up, again. Then stood up and without saying a word, walked to her room and went to bed. I went to wash dishes. I felt really mad. I felt scared. I cried the whole time I stood at the sink. Then I went back to her room. I laid down with her and begged her to tell me the truth. Please just tell me what is wrong? What is hurting? She rubbed my head as I cried and said "I'm fine baby, I am just tired". Then she fell asleep with me laying there. I cried into the pillow beside her until my girls came walking in. I then went and sat on the porch to let them play. My big brother joined me. I was sniffling. He told me I had to get it together and stop crying so much in front of the girls. Neva walked up and told him "Mama is crying because Gammy is sick. She is sad." I was proud of her. I told him that I had been very honest with the girls through this whole thing. I don't ever think it is wise to hold in your emotions. Though I do try to protect them from the severity of my heartache.

Neva ran about the yard then came up to the porch with the most beautiful "flowers" (weeds) you have EVER seen. She gave some to me. I didn't know she had reserved some more for someone else. Ronnie continued on with his tough guy act and told me to get home before it started raining. I agreed and went inside to get our stuff together. Just when I realized that Neva was "missing" she yelled for me and her Uncle Bubba to come look. She led us to mama's door way. Mom lay there in the dark. Neva, without fear, walked in alone. She climbed up on top of her sleeping Gammy. Her best friend. The person that would move mountains for her. The grandmother that could not read her a simple story a hour earlier. She gently pointed to some "flowers" she had placed on top of her Gammy. Then, she leaned down and in the softest, most compassionate tone of voice she whispered "I love you so much Gammy. It's going to be ok. Get some rest". Mom never budged. I turned and looked at Ronnie. He looked at me. Picking up on Neva's actions, Nori climbed up and kissed her sleeping Gammy. "Wub you, Bushell, peck, wound neck, all hot" (her version of mom's little saying "love you, bushell and a peck, hug around the neck and ALL my heart". Mom kind of mumbled something back. Ronnie walked away quickly. The girls filed out of her room quietly. I fought my tears. They are so sweet and protective of her. But they don't understand. How could they? I don't..........

When we went to leave, I leaned down to hug Ronnie. That is when I noticed he was emotional. This is not the norm for him. He is a typical guy. Very reluctant to show emotion. I knew he was hurting and scared, just as I was. I hugged him a second time. I whispered, "This is tough stuff....But we're gonna be okay"....He shook his head in agreement. It has to be okay. We HAVE to be okay. Reassurance of that fact came out of the mouth of an innocent child.....just minutes earlier.

The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of

Last night I had a beautifully horrible dream. You may think those words being used to describe the same thing is a contradiciton, but hear me out. The part that made my heart skip a beat and ended the dream all together is the one I want to share with you now.

I am walking down mama's hall. It's the old paneling walls. Not the freshly painted ones that she has now. I am slowly looking at the details of the house I have lived in my entire life. This is a familiar path. I am not worried. I am not scared. I am light. I make it to the doorway and I look in my room. My old furniture is in there. The old antique white bed that I slept in as a kid. All of my stuff that has been moved out over the years was back in it's old home. There in my bed was something wonderfully heartbreaking. It was mama. She was asleep. I assume it had been a hard day at David's and her legs were achy. So she decided to lay in my bed (she used to NEVER sleep in her room) and take a nap. Her body was plump. Her beautiful dark hair was back. The intricate details of my dream even revealed her gray roots, and I thought to myself- "we need a salon day". She had one healthy leg out of the covers like always. She was sleeping peacefully. I switched the light off, pulled the door to, and walked back down the hall. Before I could make it to the end of the hall, where my "normal" life awaited, I woke up and rejoined reality where fear, worry, and anxiety greeted me with a familiar and dark heaviness haunting my heart for the remainder of the night.

Mom's not doing good. I mean, things are pretty bad. She slept the ENTIRE day yesterday. AFTER sleeping the ENTIRE night before. She was supposed to join me at church, but she couldn't make herself get up. I cried through the sermon. I went by afterwards and I was really upset at her appearance. She assured me that she was fine, "just a little tired". My brothers watched a ballgame together at her house, so I felt comfortable being home with Michael (who was actually off work) and the girls. Throughout the rest of the day I called numerous times, only to hear "she's asleep". I felt nauseous all day. Perhaps Mili hasn't left enough room in my belly for food, or perhaps my nerves are completely shot....Either way, I have been vomiting alot. I am struggling to keep anything down at all. Mom is quiet. Her cough is horrible. She continues to smoke. I asked her yesterday if she could, please, cut back a bit because of how horrible her cough sounds. She agreed that she knew she was smoking too much. I never ask her to quit anymore. It doesn't do any good. I don't pretend to know what it is like to be a 30 year smoker who smokes to deal with stress, then is delivered the very stressful news that my life could end soon. I just want her as well as possible.

Last night, I sent her a text asking her how she was doing. I was surprised when I received a response. We talked back and forth for a while, before I told her I was really worried about her. She said "baby just relax, and enjoy this time". Easier said than done.

This morning I have been calling, but once again, there is no answer. Amber called me as she was headed to town, and said she was going to stop by there. I gave her a list of mama's meds that needed to be administered. She is supposed to be calling me back in a minute with an update.

I know I will head over there soon, as always. But the thing that is really eating away at me today, is the feeling that I will never walk down that old hall, into my old room, and see my old mom....Ever again. I will never smell those old homey smells or feel that incredible "everything is okay" feeling, ever again. It feels I will never make it to the end of that hall and get my life back. It is a thought that breaks my heart into a million pieces. I want it back. I want it all back.

I Ain't As Good As I Once Was.....

At 12:58am this morning, I received a text from a little bald lady. It said "Happy Birthday Baby. I love you SO much. The BIG 2-9!". It was the first of several calls and texts from family members and friends, but it was the one that affected me most. I laid her meds out last night, and we went with the double dose again. Though she said she slept well, she had a really, really bad day today. She woke up here and there, but she didn't GET UP until well after lunch. That is AFTER sleeping through the night. The excessive sleep through the morning was not drug induced, because she took her first meds at 1pm today.....I am just SO worried about her. She's hurting, she's exhausted, she's just pitiful. I HAD to keep myself busy all day to keep from being sad. I stayed home alone with the girls the whole morning. Amber told me that mom had confided in her yesterday that she felt she still had alot of things to "take care of". She said it as though she felt she was running out of time. I thought about this and thought about this before breaking down on the phone with Michael around midday.  Usually, me and mom are together on my birthday (well, at least we would have been AFTER she got off work). But each time I called or asked Amber to check, mom was asleep. I barely spoke to her all day. That was really hard.

 After the girls woke up, we headed over to mom's. I was excited when I pulled up and I smelled my favorite----LASAGNA! Mom was outside in her pjs.

 I was SO happy that there was going to be a little bit of normalcy to this day. Mom fixed my favorite...My meal of choice.....Just like always.....I knew she could do it....

Come to find out, when mom couldn't wake up and muster up some energy to cook (her little tradition that she does on our bdays).....My big brother did it. His first pan of lasagna. It was delicious.

Amber made my favorite, carrot cake. It was made from scratch and was absolutely delish! Unfortunately, no one remembered candles. But mama wouldn't have it ANY other way....I had to blow SOMETHING out....Guess what I wished for....

Isn't she pretty?

Josh had to work, BUT he sent his gift by Amber. Apparently he had sent her scrambling this morning to get it printed and framed. It was a picture of him in a mullet wig and cut off shorts. It was the best gift a girl could ask for.

Mama was quiet and kind of groggy acting. She was very affectionate with me and asked her usual "do you feel any older???". She ate good and managed to stay awake the whole time I was there, though I could tell she was really struggling. She called just as I arrived home to tell me that she took the medicine I laid out for her. She said she was sorry that she didn't make the lasagna, but she loved me and hoped that I had a wonderful birthday. Her voice was so sweet and genuine. I felt a lump growing, once again, in my throat.

When I got the girls bathed and in bed, I found it hard to not let my mind wander. I wondered if I would ever spend another birthday with my mama. Thinking that this was the last one, ever, made me cry. I told Michael that I found it very unfair that my mama, who is so good, and honest, and needed, had to be dealt this hand in life. I just don't understand it. He hugged me and allowed me to cry on his shoulder. He didn't say much, just that he loved me.

Later on, I sent Ronnie and Amber "thank you" texts for my delicious meal. I text Ronnie "It is sad to think that I would not have gotten my usual lasagna if it had not been for you. My how things change". His reply was very simple, yet made my tears go away in an instant. He replied "You will ALWAYS get lasagna on your birthday, Nikki".........you have to know, it wasn't really about the lasagna......

Weekly Album

I've let an entire week get by without blogging....Here's what you missed in pictures:

Saturday was a big football game for my brothers. They are die-hard 49-ers fans so we all got together for a lil cookout. Mom was doing GREAT!!!!

As usual, we had a huge spread. My lil mama ate so good! Ronnie said she ate ribs all night long!

The kids always have fun together....A few fights here and there, but they get over it quick. (quick update: Nori is fully potty trained with only ONE accident in a week. She hasn't worn a diaper since last Sunday in church!!!)

Refueling their tanks....

We went to church Sunday. Several people came up to me and told me how great mom looked. I agreed. I caught her telling a few people that she felt SO good, she would say she was well if she didn't know any better. How I wish that were the case.  She cried through a great deal of the beautiful and moving sermon. I held her close and kissed her head. I was moved as well. Afterwards, SHE recommended that we grab breakfast at Shoney's. Ronnie met us there. She ate surprisingly well and we had a blast!

After breakfast, we headed to Talorsville for my little cousin's birthday party. First we stopped by mama's baby sisters house (Sharon). We couldn't stay very long at the party because my girls had missed their naps. I couldn't get over how great mom was doing. I was on cloud 9.

Monday morning, I got mom to ride with me to Hattiesburg to run a couple errands. It was her idea to eat at Logan's Steak house. She ate pretty good. I didn't get any pictures. She didn't seem horrible but she definitely wasn't as chipper as the previous days.

Monday night Michael helped out with part 1 of a small bathroom re-do. Mom bought some discount, discontinued ceramic tile a LONG time ago and never found the time/money to have it installed. Some sweet folks helped her out with that starting on this particular night.

Tuesday was my doctor's appointment. Mom offered to keep the girls. Unfortunately, I was not dilated any more. It is just a waiting game now. I think she did great with the kids, but she was REALLY tired on this day. It was rainy and kind of gloomy. I hung out the rest of the day, though mom slept alot of the time I was there.

On Wednesday, She babysat the boys for a couple hours for Amber. I spoke to her on the phone and she sounded okay. Not as vibrant or energetic sounding, but okay. We gave her some alone/quality time with the boys before we headed over there. I picked her up some lunch from Shipleys. She loves a dressed cheeseburger with extra onions. Brother Drew, the SCRMC Chaplain came to visit mom while we were there. He is an absolute sweet heart. She admitted that the pain in her stomach and ribs was back and pretty intense.

We stayed with her the entire afternoon. She slept alot. A whole lot.

 

Michael and the guys finished up her bathroom around midnight on Wednesday. There is much more that COULD be done....But my mama is proud, proud, proud of her lil bathroom re-do. I cried the whole way home on this night. Mom was really pitiful. I could tell she was in ALOT of pain and was just plain exhausted.

On Thursday, Mom wasn't doing good at all. We talked her into going to Ryan's for lunch. She barely ate a thing. I accidentally hit a bump in my car and mom gripped her stomach and yelled out in pain. It was on this day that I realized how serious this "bruise on the inside" REALLY is....The girls wrestled and played at her house before nap time....

I dozed off putting the girls down for nap. When I woke up, it was to the sound of mom's new Hospice nurse knocking on the door. I went and woke mom up. Of course, through all of the commotion, the girls woke up too. They watched and listened carefully as Malorie introduced herself and described her duties as mom's new nurse. She looked at all mom's medicine (see the huge pile on the coffee table?).

After a thorough examination and conversation with mom, Malorie concluded that mom wasn't taking enough medicine to deal with the significant amount of pain she was having. She wants mom to more than double the amount she has been taking She explained that the LAST thing she wants is to sedate mom to the point that she can't enjoy life. BUT, mom HAS to stay on top of her pain. She shouldn't be hurting this bad with the medicines that are available to her. Malorie gave her recommendations and will call on Monday to see if we have found the middle ground between mom feeling "comfortable" and not "drugged".  She was VERY organized and compassionate. She seemed very knowledgeable and I think she really put mom at ease. Although, mom is not sure about the medicine increase (stubborn).

This day was particularly upsetting for me. I feel things progressing and moving alot faster than I am ready for. I am scared and found it difficult to not feel a knot of fear in my stomach.

Thursday night, mom doubled up on her medicine. She agreed to do so because it was bed time and would not effect her time with her family. She reported on Friday morning that though she had slept well, she felt very intoxicated and this is not a feeling she enjoyed. She found it difficult to make her way to the restroom. She declared that she WOULD NOT be taking that large of a dose during the day.

Friday, we spent the entire day with my mom. She was not really any better. Really tired. Really quiet. She has been holding my hand alot. Telling me she loves me even more than usual. Telling me how proud she is of me. While these things are welcomed and irreplaceable---I worry about where they are coming from in such an abundance. She has been eerily calm in talking about "things" lately, though I still feel her fear. It is hard to explain what I am thinking..... I feel, not like she is hiding something, but like she knows something and isn't telling me. Perhaps I don't want to hear it. Perhaps I am wrong and there is nothing to hear.

We have been spending a great deal of time working on getting the house ready for Mili. The kids are particularly intrigued by all of her "cool stuff".

I am trying to focus on the baby, the girls, spending time with mom and just all the positive things in my life. But I have an overwhelming anxiety about how things are changing so fast with mama. I am really scared.

My Story

I tell ya what, if you were not sitting in Journey Church at 8:30 this morning, then you missed the sermon of a lifetime. Brother Robby did an excellent job delivering His message. He spoke about becoming a Christian, changing the way you live, and then sharing your story. He said it was our duty to tell our story to others. As I listened to a young man tell his "story" in front of the church, I fantasized about myself standing up there. In my fantasy I spoke eloquently and confidently about the day that my life changed. I walked across the stage without insecurity and with no cracking voice, I told my story that touched every heart in the room. In reality, I am petrified of speaking in front of a crowd and will do just about anything to avoid doing so. I sat in admiration of this young man's ability to capture his audience, deliver a great message and tell a moving story all in one. Though I have a phobia of public speaking, I cannot let that hinder my responsibility as a Christian. So, if you don't mind, I would like to share my story with you from the safety of my very own desk chair........

BEFORE IT HAPPENED:
I grew up in a good old country household. I had a daddy that worked all the time, a mama that stayed home with us kids, and two brothers that I fought with constantly but loved more than life itself. Financially our family was very comfortable. We kids never longed for any material item. We were all involved in numerous after-school activities. We did not attend church. I listened to stories that my mom and dad told about their attending church as children. But, for whatever reason, as adults they did not go.  I always envied my friends when they spoke about all the fun things they did at this mystical place....."church"...The only time I was exposed to a church was when one of those friends just so happened to invite me. I always enjoyed my church experiences as a child.

When I grew into a teenager, I had a bit of a wild streak in me. My mom and dad had divorced, we became latchkey kids, and I lost my grandmother all in one swoop. Life as I knew it turned up side down. I found myself unable to really identify who I was or wanted to be. I changed crowds and quit all the activities that I once held dear. My mom was going through a difficult time, and I found it my duty to "take care of her" and my brothers. It was a dark time for us all. My church experiences as a teen were not as enjoyable as they had been years earlier. I felt judged by my outfit and considering mama barely made ends meet, it wasn't a designer outfit--I can assure you--so it probably wasn't a good judgement. Once when I was around 16 I went to a big church with a friend. I felt obligated to raise my hand when the pastor asked if anyone "wanted to be saved"...I was taken to a back room where someone prayed with me. Then they told me I was saved. I felt no different. I knew nothing about the meaning of the word "saved". My heart felt nothing and there was NO change.

 Soon, my mom conquered her troubles and pulled herself from her knees. I found myself lifted as well. I attended Junior College and met the boy that would eventually be my husband and the father of my children. After we married, I landed the job of my dreams, and had my first baby, I remember sitting in my office thinking "something is missing". I pretty much knew what it was. I felt this strong urge to attend a brand new church in Laurel, Journey Church. But I never did. I ignored that hole in my heart and tried to fill the void in my life with everyday distractions. I never wanted my children to grow up feeling envious listening to their friends talk about the cool club that they were a part of, church. But here I was, falling into the same pattern.

On April 25, 2011 I found out that my mom was going to die. Some of you already know that about your parents. Though I feared it, I never ACTUALLY thought it would happen to MY mom. I thought she would always be there with me. Teaching me, guiding me, griping at me, and loving me. Even at 28 years old, I could not picture life without my mom. So, I assumed I would never live life without my mom. She was invincible. When the doctor delivered the news that even IF she DID take medicine, it was unlikely that she would last longer than a year, I hit rock bottom. I am ashamed to admit that I was angry with everyone and everything. Even God. I became really upset when people spoke of a "grand plan", or a "reason for everything". I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want their prayers. Prayers had not helped me so far, why would they help me now? I had an unmeasurable amount of anger in my heart and my soul was broken. I was in a dark place. Darker than I had EVER been before.

WHEN IT HAPPENED:
One beautiful Sunday in June 2011, (June 5th to be exact), while listening to Brother Robby Johnson, pastor at Journey Church, preach about forming an authentic relationship with God, I felt my heart break. I had felt my heart softening, but until that particular sermon, I had not given in to it. I knew I could no longer handle this world without Him. I knew I could not handle this difficult situation without His guidance and I invited Him into my broken heart and my shattered soul and I asked him to forgive me and guide me on a new path. I cried uncontrollably, yet felt better than I ever had before.

AFTER IT HAPPENED:
 I reluctantly admit that it is true that I turned to Him out of desperation, when I was lost and felt I had no other choice. But I CHOOSE to continue to follow Him. Obviously I am a very "immature Christian", (as brother Robby calls us), but I have seen and felt many changes in my life. For starters, my heart no longer feels heavy or empty. I believe that though I do not understand it, there IS a grand plan and a reason for everything. I invite people to pray for me and feel grateful that they do. I pray for others and talk to God daily. I am ignorant when it comes to biblical facts and could not recite passages from the bible to save my life. But I can tell you that I am eager to learn and enjoying doing so each Sunday. I am excited and passionate about building on this new found relationship. I am not all smiles, hunky-dorey and think that life is great all the time.....I still feel scared, I still cry, I still get confused and I fall constantly.....But, I feel the presence of a hand reaching to pull me up now. That is not a presence I have ever felt before. It is a presence I NEVER want to be without again.


So there it is, "my story". It is still in the works. Perhaps I will tell it again soon, and the "BEFORE" will be the shortest part, and the "AFTER" will be much longer.

 If you find yourself in a dark place, darker than you have ever been before, perhaps it is time to let some light into your life. Let Him in.

Answered Prayers

I find it very difficult to sleep at night. When I close my eyes I think of her. When I open them I think of her. When I DO manage to doze off, my dreams are consumed with her. Last night was pretty bad. I didn't cry. I just could not, for the life of me, stop thinking the worst. I have been reminiscing alot. I think of when I was little. When I was a teenager. When we were planning my wedding. When I landed the position at SCRMC that I was dying to get. When I cried tears of joy and nervousness and told her I was pregnant. When I confided in her that I was thinking of leaving my dream job to be a full time mom. When I became angry at her reaction when I told her I was pregnant, again. The look on her face as she met both her grand daughters before, even I, had a chance to. After I think of all the milestones, the biggies, the moments that will never be lost, I try harder to think of the little ones. The smell of her frying chicken and cooking peas and cornbread in the kitchen while I ran in and out of the back door playing in the yard. Sitting on the bathroom counter watching her apply her makeup. Listening to her sing old country music in the car. Watching her cry as she watched sappy girl movies. The sound of her laugh, when it used to conquer a room. I dwell on these things. I cannot escape them, nor do I think I want to. Of course it is sad when I come back to reality, and things are not the same....Not even close.

Today started with a phone call from my mom. Her voice was vibrant and she said she felt good. She said "Our prayers might have been answered, Nikki. I woke up this morning and the soreness in my stomach and chest is not nearly as bad as it was!" I could tell she felt better. That was a great thing to hear, considering how afraid we have all been of the root of that soreness. She wanted to hang out with me and the girls. So, she called Hospice to cancel Don's visit. She immediately called me back and informed me that Don would no longer be her nurse. Apparently, he took another job. Though he had not been with mom long enough to form any kind of sentimental attachment, I still found this difficult to swallow. You have to understand, it has been one big change after another. I found stability and continuity in having the same doctors, nurses and medical staff through this whole thing. It was the ONLY continuity that we had. So when we found out mom was getting a Hospice nurse, I was scared and felt afraid of, yet another, change. Though this unforseen change was unsettling, I was relieved to hear that mom's replacement nurse would be Malorie Kitchens. She is absolutely wonderful, and I know mama will love her. Mom cancelled her visit for the day, and we headed out to do our FAVORITE thing, look at furniture and home decor. We don't have to buy anything, we enjoy just looking and day dreaming.

Before we went ANY where else, we went to the girl's favorite spot-China Town. I became a regular at this place when I was pregnant with Neva and we still frequent it. Today, when we got there, our waitress,  a familiar and friendly face came up to me and told me that she had been following this blog. She had no idea that my mom was sick until she came across it. She told me that she was praying for me and my family. I found her words so comforting. It is always weird when I find out someone has read my writing. When I write this, though I hope I can reach someone in a similar situation, I really only picture my mom on the other side of the screen. I KNOW she reads every single post. Sometimes it's a little intimidating to know that someone else is reading. I wonder if they think I am crazy or overly emotional. I am sure, at the very least, I come off a bit bi-polar. One day I am happy and up beat, the next I am hitting rock bottom and can't stop crying. However, everything I write is honest. It is how I feel and what I think. If I can help even one person feel that they are not alone on their emotional roller coaster, then I think it is a great accomplishment. I thanked her for her prayers. Mom and the girls had their usual "noodle-suck race". Mom won, of course. Although Nori did pretty good, herself. Once we had our bellies full we headed to the register, only to find out that someone had already paid for our meal. I couldn't believe it. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. We wanted to thank someone, but unfortunately the cashier was sworn to secrecy. So, thank you, sweet stranger, if you just so happen to be reading. Thank you for the delicious meal, but mainly for letting me see that look on mama's face. The look where she realizes that she is loved and thought about and prayed for. It is easy to forget those things when you are confined to your house most of the time. I love that surprised, bashful, yet thankful little smile when she remembers.

We had fun today, though I have told you before, browsing with my children in tow is one of my LEAST favorite things to do. I found myself snappy and short tempered with them today. Don't get me wrong, they behaved well--for a toddler and preschooler who were a couple hours late for their nap time. I know that my impatience had little to do with the girls or their behavior. I believe the news we received earlier in the day had me on edge. We found out that Myrtis Dean, (moms neighbor, friend and fellow lung cancer patient), passed away. This news blind sighted me and, quite frankly, hit a little close to home (literally). I kept fighting my thoughts that were trying so hard to go to a bad place. I am afraid that in a fog of negative thoughts, I almost lost a great day. Mom was feeling okay. She WANTED to be out of the house. It was just us girls. We had Chinese food AND Marble Slab ice cream....How does it get any better? But still, I battled my emotions through the entirety of the day.

After the girls napped at mom's house, I took mom back to town to the funeral home to pay her respects to Myrt and her family. I sat in the car with the girls trying to not think.....at all.....about anything. I felt a knot of emotions in my heart growing more and more prevalent. When mom returned to the car, I fought the urge to talk about things. Depressing things. We kept the conversation light, then I dropped her off at her house and headed home to cook supper.

Mom called when I was a little piece down the road to check on me. I confided that I was struggling with Myrt passing. I keep thinking about a few weeks ago when the two of them sat on mom's front porch, bald heads exposed, sharing chemo and radiation stories. She was here....HERE. Now she is gone. That fast.  Mom understood my feelings and thoughts. I began to cry as we spoke. I have been wondering what she thinks of all my crying. I don't cry every minute, hour or even every day--but I DO cry a good bit. I told her that I know I am her most emotional child and that is easy to see. I have always worn my feelings on my sleeve. But I told her that I dont want her to worry about me if she "leaves". She said she didn't and WOULDN'T worry about me. She knew I would be fine. I told her that I knew if I lost her, I would be absolutely devestated. But I WILL live. I will be a mama, wife, and friend like she taught me to be. I will not lock myself in a room and fall apart. Though I know sometimes it seems I am a basket case, I believe my letting my emotions out will keep me grounded in the long run. She said she knew all of this. She knew I would go on and live life to the fullest, but it made her feel good to hear me say it aloud. I told her that I loved her, and she reciprocated the words. It felt good to get that off my chest. I should have said all that earlier in the day......

SO tonight as I lay in bed TRYING to fall asleep and Myrt's family makes their way into my thoughts, I will pray that they find peace in this difficult time, because I KNOW that Myrt has. I will call on all those wonderful memories I spoke of earlier to ease my fears. I will think of my mom how she was, how she is, and try not to think of what will be. I will think of all of our blessings. I will think of my mama, in the condition that she is in, still talking about blessings and answered prayers. If she KNOWS she is blessed, how could I doubt it? I will realize that every moment I spend with my mom is the result of an answered prayer.

It's Happening

"It's happening": this is the text that I sent my brother, Ronnie, earlier tonight...
"What's happening?": he asked in a response text.
"The cancer is growing": I typed back, with tears streaming my face.
"Stop thinking about bad stuff": he demanded

But, how could I avoid it??????

This morning I woke up feeling pretty good (physically). This pregnancy has really taken it's toll on me. I have really bad nights and worse mornings. But not this morning. I cooked the girls a good breakfast, sat down with them to eat, laughed and talked about different things, then did a learning activity with them. Nori's potty training is on track and Neva is doing great adjusting to nights in her own bed. I doted on their accomplishments as much as I could today. I tried to throw in a little bit of housework, but as usual it took a back seat to the girls. I spoke to mom on and off all morning and though we planned to go hang out with her after the girl's nap time, I longed to see her sooner. She sounded SO tired and just plain weak. She slept most of the morning away. I knew that she was supposed to keep Noah, so that Amber could take Brady to the dr., but I wondered if she would be able to get out of bed long enough to do so.

Soon, nap time was over and it was time for us to go see for ourselves how she was doing. I found out before I left, that she indeed DID wake up and had Noah. She sounded more vibrant with one of her little men there to keep her company. When I arrived, I was alarmed at her appearance. Though it had not been great, it was definitely worse today.

I told her that I was going to post this picture and comment on her obsession with over sized clothing. This hoody was too big for her 40 lbs ago.

As usual, the kids are congregating around Gammy. It was too cold outside for her today, so I encouraged the kids to play inside.

Nori is using her little doll brush to "fix Gammy's hair" here. Mom got a big kick out of this. Nori has really took notice to the fact that mama doesn't have any hair. It's like she's seeing it for the first time.

Yeah, yeah, I know...I should have cleaned her Cheetoh face and got rid of the red-eye before posting this one. It's still good, though.

Best buds...(at least they were this particular moment)

Josh's new shoes....

I took her some left over chicken spaghetti and made her promise that she would eat it. At almost 4:00 she had still not taken any of her medicine. So, I laid it all out and watched her take it. I also replaced her pain patch. She complained about some excessive coughing, but before I gave her some liquid morphine (the only thing that helps), I called Hospice to make sure it was okay. She was wearing a patch, she had taken a pain pill, the last thing I want to do is OD her, or cause some sort of reaction. I ended up speaking to Malorie Kitchens, a Hospice nurse that I know from my days at The Children's Academy. She is a wonderful mother, and from what I have heard, an equally attentive nurse. She assured me that, though the morphine might lower mom's respirations, it wouldn't hurt her otherwise.  After Josh arrived, I kept encouraging her to go to bed, but she wouldn't go. She looked exhausted.

My aunts, forever on a quest to find mama's cure, mentioned to me about someone that they spoke to online. Supposedly, she has the EXACT same case as my mom. She has the same cancer, has taken the same medicines, and was about to stop chemo, just as my mom has. She heard about some old chemo and told her doctor she wanted to try it. According to my aunts, this girl is now cancer free. They asked me Wednesday to try and get my mom to try it. "She will listen to YOU, she won't listen to US", my aunt Sharon said. I responded the same way I have in the past. I told her I would not ENcourage or DIScourage my mom either way. I have watched my poor mama lose weight (too much weight), all of her hair, a ton of skin, almost all of her energy, her drive and that beautiful spark that once absolutely defined my mama. All thanks to chemo, radiation, and the cancer itself. I cannot and will not ask her to put anything else in her body that will make her feel worse than she already does. The fact is, she WILL listen to me. I know that if Ronnie, Josh or I asked her to, she would try anything. That is precisely why I WON'T do it. I want my mom to do with HER life, HER body, HER remaining time (ever how long it may be) whatever SHE wants. I will not taint her decision with my opinion. I cannot feel what she feels, so my opinion is not educated enough to voice. This is not "giving up". This is trusting my mom. My mom has spent 9 months enduring pain and sickness that most cannot imagine. I have watched her vomit on herself, double over with pain, cough until she pulls muscles, cry like a baby and sleep countless hours. She has been told that her life will end in a year. Yet she gets up every morning, puts a smile on for us kids and puts one foot in front of the other. She hasn't gave in to anything. She has fought tooth and nail and blown my mind every step of the way. I believe, if she chooses to never take another chemo or medicine again, that she is STILL fighting, just in a different way. I assured my aunt that I would mention the chemo to her. So I did. Mom responded with "some people are just blessed. There are miracles out there. I still think I could be one of them. I am not closing any doors, but I don't believe that chemo will give me my miracle". I respected her answer. "I just don't want it to be said that me, Ronnie and Josh let you give up, mama. I want you here. More than anything. I have not gave up on you and I never will" I said with a cracking voice. "I know that, Nikki. I CHOSE to stop the chemo. Not because anyone told me to. I have not gave up. I make my own decisions. No one can make me do anything. Ya'll will always know that in your hearts" she responded matter of factly. Of course hearing about a "miracle drug" had caused conflict in my heart, so I felt better hearing her words. I have said this before, I will say it again. I respect my family's attempt to "save" my mom with their researching. I support it. I find it very sweet. However, I CANNOT force my mom to do something that could taint her remaining time--just to make ME feel better. When I think about regrets, I know, with certainty I will NEVER regret allowing my mom to make her own decisions.

Later on, she told me that she was pretty certain that the pain she is feeling was from cancer. She feels that it might be growing. She admitted that this pain was unlike any she has really experienced before. She said it is like a huge bruise inside if her upper abdomen. "Mama, I have been asking for days what was wrong, and you kept telling me 'nothing', why didn't you tell me?" I asked.  "I kept hoping it would go away", she admitted. Though she put on a confident face and played with the kids to the best of her ability, I know my mama. I KNOW that she is scared. I haven't seen her this way the entire time. I am scared as well. I need her. Now and forever. My heart is broken. She knows her body better than anyone else. If she thinks this is happening, it probably is. I don't know if I can accept this.