Thoughts Will Break Your Heart

There are so many thoughts that enter my mind that make me cry. I usually share those thoughts with you. When those thoughts creep into my mind, as they do so very frequently, I HAVE to counter them with a positive thought. I MAKE myself think about these things, so I can sleep at night. I will share them with you as well. They are pretty random, as thoughts usually are, but they are really the thoughts that pop into my mind that eventually soothe me to sleep. Good luck........

• Why does Nori always poop on the floor? Really Nori? Every time your diaper comes off?
• Sometimes I hear a tune in Michael's snoring. I actually sing under my breath
• Food. Recipes often unfold in my mind at night and I try them the next day
• Neva called me a hippo, I am more impressed with her knowledge than disappointed in her name calling
• If I had another baby, would it be a girl? What would she look like?
• I wonder if I can still play softball
• Should I go back to work?
• If I could build my dream house tomorrow, what would it look like?
• My Papaw. He always makes me happy.
• When Nori starts babbling, what is she saying? It seems important
• Sometimes I am looking dead at Michael when he is talking and I am not listening to any of it. Does he know? I really got to stop that
• How can I lose this weight?
• Will Nori and Neva be friends? Will they be athletic? Will they be book worms?
• Maybe I should start an herb garden
• I hope I open that preschool I have been dreaming about for years. It's truly my passion
• Should I put Neva in preschool? I think I teach her pretty well. We have gymnastics and the library for social interaction
• Why does my mom call it "dia-rear"?
• and "BRAK-fast"
• and "WrAstlers"
• and "ciga-RATTES"
• I really need to repaint this whole trailer. The last paint job was obviously done blindfolded (I did it)
• I would love to write a children's book, or at least get one of the one's I've already written published
• Will I ever wear a bikini again? ew. I cant do that to innocent bystanders
• How come no one talks about sagging body parts when they tell you the joys of parenthood/breastfeeding?
• I wonder what Heaven looks like
• Why am I the only living human without a facebook page? Why doesn't this bother me at all?
• I hope I leave the country sometime in my life
• I want to learn Spanish. I want my girls to speak Spanish!
• Could we start a family band? Kind of like the Partridge Family. Never mind, Michael in bell bottoms is a "no-go"
• I think I want to ditch the tshirt and jeans look and be a dress wearer. Like all the stay-at-home-moms in black and white on TV. Michael could come home to a clean house and meatloaf. Never mind. Meatloaf is yucky
• The beach. I have ALMOST inherited the passionate love for the beach that my mom has (not quite as passionate as her). The thought of those waves and the cool salty breeze is incredible
• How would things be different if mama and daddy never divorced?
• How can I be a better mommy?
• Maybe me and Amber can take all the kids to McDonald's tomorrow and let them play
• I have GOT to stop letting the kids eat fast food. Even once a week is too much. The preservatives are horrible for a growing body
• I wonder if Michael and I will ever go on a date again. It has been a LONG time
• I love the movie theater. POPCORN! I can eat a large!
• Why does popcorn make my belly swell?
• I need a tan
• I wonder what this Sunday's sermon will be about
• When Nori sticks her foot up to her nose, sniffs exaggeratedly and says "STINK", how do I respond to that?
• Why does my two year old love taking medicine? She asked for it tonight when she told me she had "dia-rear" (thanks mama). Do they have rehab for Preschoolers?
• The kids use the couch as a gigantic napkin. That's it! No eating in the living room! Starting next week!

There are a few. I know, I know, I  am a little loony. But those crazy thoughts (and many more) are my distractions from the bad ones. The bad ones are so horrible. Those are the thoughts that strip you of your joy. They destroy the present with threats about the future. The one thought that gets me through those really bad nights, is:

• One day, I will rejoin any loved ones that I have lost, or may lose. We will rejoin for eternity.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Thoughts Will Break My Heart.....IF I LET them.......

A Broken Roller Coaster

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been writing much. I was always told "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all"....Well, I've been pretty down lately. It's crazy. Mom is doing good. Great actually. The cancer is still smaller. It's still responding to chemo. She feels pretty good (for the most part). She is eating and actually gained a couple lbs! She is completely dedicated to ALL her meds now. I couldn't be prouder of her turn around. But me? I am the worst I have been since the first day my world fell apart in April. I feel like I am on a roller coaster, that with every dip promises to go back up----but for whatever reason, I am stuck down low. My roller coaster is broken.

With every situation, every moment, every word spoken, I am bombarded with negative thoughts about my mom. About our future. Here is an example:

Nori has given us a few scares recently with allergic reactions. There was one REALLY bad one that landed us in Jackson. We have no answers. Allergies are mysterious things. We have been referred to a specialist in July, but in the mean time I have to use dye and scent-free EVERYTHING (expensive!) and I have to carry an EPI-PEN with me at all times. Well, I was bathing the girls together, as usual, tonight. I found myself thinking, "Neva HAS to have conditioner. Her hair is just like her mama's (bless her heart). Nori's skin doesn't need to be exposed to conditioner. I guess I'm going to have to start bathing them separately". As I thought this, I honed in on what was happening in the tub in front of me. They were playing together. Giggling and splashing. I was taken back to an earlier day. Nori, unable to sit up, was in her little bath chair. Neva was playing with her and tickling Nori's little chubby baby body. What great memories.I can't stop them from playing together in the tub! Not yet! But, I kept on thinking. The memory kept unfolding. Sitting outside the tub, right where I was sitting at that moment was an unrecognizable girl. My memory showed two giggling kids and a happy mom giggling and splashing with them. A mom that worried that she wasn't good enough. A mom that battled the "I'm not contributing" feeling that accompanies a person that quits work after doing it for half their life. A person that literally made up stuff to worry about. Look at her. She has no idea what the future holds. She has no idea that everything that she THINKS is okay, is FAR from it.

That's how it happens. A simple thought, turns into a depressing night.

You ever watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? Well, if you do, then you know it was MADE TO MAKE YOU CRY. There was a cancer survivor and her family on an episode the other night. I cried all the way through it. Even the happy parts. One cancer fighter said "You have to get busy living, or get busy dying". I can't, for the life of me, tell which one I am doing. Of course, she was talking about an actual cancer patient. I'm just a daughter. I, too, feel like I have been given an expiration date. The time just keeps ticking away. I remember when I would be at work, the clock wouldn't move for hours, it seemed. But, now that I know how absolutely precious it is, it has sped up. It won't stop. Don't get me wrong, when I am with mama, I am fine. I don't depress her or bring her down with my negativity. The bad thoughts hit me all day, but usually get me good at night, when I have nothing to distract me.

When I was making a cake with Neva earlier, and she licked the bowl, I thought of me and mom. How I watched her every move in the kitchen, until it was my turn to lick the bowl.

 When I see Nori's SASSY attitude, I think of how mom wished it on me (as payback).

When we were outside in a little summer shower playing earlier, splashing in what Neva calls "Muddy Pudds", I flashed back to me with a spoon out in mama's front yard. Whipping up cakes and pies from the finest Myrick Mud you can imagine. Mama coming out just in time to "taste test" my creations.

Even though my memories are beautiful, they sadden me. Those days are gone. Never to return.

 When I look at pictures, I curse that unknowing girl smiling back at me, she looks like me but she's not me, because she has a future with her mom, and I may not.

When I lay down in my bed, the minute my head hits the pillow, "that day" pops in my head. "That day" that my mom leaves me forever. That's sick, right? Who thinks about that? I can't stop. I worry about it all the time. I know that everyone dies, some sooner that others. But why do I have to think about my mom dying EVERY moment? It's too much. Why did this have to happen? WHY?

 I have gotten used to a up-down, up-down, life. That's just the way life is. But this broken roller coaster is killing me. I am losing me. I am scared I am already gone. I forgot how to be who I was. I need my roller coaster to go back up. I just don't know how to recover from this. I don't know how to get back to life as I knew it. Will I ever?  I know as it climbs to the top, inevitably my roller coaster  will come back down. That is fine. I can handle the ride. I have enjoyed the ride for 28 years. I just want to get back moving. I want to get busy living.

Mom's Old Friend

She didn't feel quite right, so Monday morning Mom took HERSELF to the Dr. This did two things to me: It infuriated me, because I don't like for her to go alone. But it also brought me comfort, because it proved she is ready to listen to her body and take care of herself. We communicated through text message (YES, mom can text.....sort of) until they informed her she would need platelets. When I received that text, I immediately began looking for a babysitter so that I could join her. When I got there, she was upset that this would slow us down from leaving on our much anticipated Gulf Shores trip. I, on the other hand, was thinking that we needed to cancel the trip. The thought of being in another state when mom spikes a fever or needs blood, is terrifying to me. I pleaded with her for us to cancel the trip. "We need it, Nikki. I want to go. I need it."  I reluctantly agreed to go even though I KNEW it was a bad idea.

BRENDA + BEACH = LOVE

As far back as I can remember, my mom has been a beach girl. Way back when I was little and we would go every year, mom would beg daddy to just stay "ONE more day!" She cant get enough of it. She would lay out in the sun for hours and just watch us play in the water and build in the sand. I can still see her face. The beach brought about a sense of calmness and relaxation to her that us mom's don't get very often. She was her happiest listening to the waves and soaking up the sun. Only leaving her chair for the occasional "cool-off dip" in the water. After the divorce, there were sporadic visits here and there, but money was tight. Me and mom snuck off just the two of us a couple times when I was a teenager. Fast forwarding to about 4 years ago, we took a trip just like this one. Nothing had changed. Mom found her place in her chair and us "kids" found our place in the water. We would have to MAKE her leave the beach. It was like an old friend that she had to catch up with.

We headed out right after mom received her platelets. It was all of us Mom, Ronnie, Josh, Amber, Noah, Brady, Me, Neva and Nori. All of us EXCEPT Michael, who was unable to turn a-loose and go with. I found out that riding to Gulf Shores with a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old is........a challenge. Surprisingly, they weren't bad, just restless. Just a few bad moments as we were searching for our condo. Ms. Sharon Walters (my mom's ex-boss from David's Grocery) bought us this condo stay as a gift. We didn't totally know where it was (mom said she did, but SHE DID NOT). I was actually ready to throw a tantrum by the time we got there, so I can't blame the kids I guess.

When we got there, mom told everyone "I want to forget everything. I don't want to talk about cancer. I am healthy here".  A couple of times through the trip, I accidentally brought it up and she put me in my place. We had a blast. I missed Michael beyond what words could express. I tip my hat to single moms. The beach experience without an extra set of hands is REALLY HARD! But I really surprised myself by having a great time. I was worried, because there has been a bit of feuding lately. When you start getting a bunch of people (family or not) under one roof, it can be a recipe for disaster. But, just like mama asked, everything was set aside for the trip. One thing that I think worked for us: we didn't try to accommodate one another. We didn't try to stay together the whole time. We all went our separate ways. When we were ready to go to the beach, me and the girls walked to the beach. When they were ill and ready for nap time, I didn't force them to stay because everyone else wasn't ready. We left. This freedom and space kept the momentum up, I think. My girls LOVED it! They started out hesitant, but by our last day, I was frightened by their bravery! I loved seeing them with mama. Flashing back to her playing with us in the pool. Us doing little tricks and screaming across the way "watch ME mama! watch me!" or having "WHO CAN STAY UNDER THE LONGEST" contests where she was the referee. What great memories. Now my kids are making those same memories. Mom had a great time. She wasn't able to stay out in the heat as long as she once did. But oh, how I loved seeing that look on her face again. She was relaxed and happy. She was back with her old friend that she had missed so dearly. She said "This is almost perfect. Michael being here would make it perfect. But he is back in reality." I asked "well what is this to you mom?" she replied with a trembling lip "this is not real. There is no cancer. This is great". I ached for her in that moment. I wanted to scold her for breaking her own rule and bringing it up, but I understood her completely. It was in the back of my mind too. I would catch myself laughing hard, then my mind would remind me.....Sadness waits at home. I found myself one night up listening to the sleepy sounds of mom and my girls and thinking "will we ever be able to do this again?" "why haven't we done this every year?" "I don't want it to end, I don't want the cancer stressed version of us back!" I couldn't stop crying until I went over to my angelic sleeping mom and climbed in bed with her. She hugged me and kissed me. She didn't even ask what was wrong. She just said "I'm okay right now, baby. I'm fine now." It was comforting to hear. But I want it to be that way forever. I want this to go away. That next morning, she snuck off to the beach alone and watched the sunrise. She said it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. If you ask her what her favorite part of the trip was, she will reply "watching the sunrise, it was miraculous".

Our last morning was filled with packing and cleaning and dread. Dread for what awaited us at home. When the last counter was wiped and the last bag was loaded, we all sat in silence. Mom was out on the balcony. When we joined her out there, her eyes were glued to the beach. It's like she was soaking up it's beauty. Saying her goodbye's to her old friend. She stood there undeterred by our presence. "Mom, are you ready?" I asked. Her response broke my heart into a million pieces. "Ya'll don't understand" she said with a quivering voice "this could be my last time to ever see the beach". She started to cry. I started to cry. Josh walked over and embraced her. I followed in his steps. Ronnie came out the door at this point and we took turns hugging her and taking pictures with her in front of the view. Nori, my one year old decided to join us. Mom reached down and lifter her up. "You come to the beach every year for your Gammy, baby, okay?" Nori smiled as if she understood the depth of what was being said.  Before we left mom tried to retract her statement for mood's sake. "Nobody knows when their last time to see the beach or the sunrise or anything will be. It could be your last time", she said to Me, ronnie and Josh. "It's just sad leaving when I have been given this time line. I love the beach. You look at it in a different light when you think it is the last time you will see it". We all agreed that we would find ourselves back there next year. We reluctantly locked the door and headed to our cars. I really hope that's true. I hope we ALL have a great time next year too.

I am glad mom didn't listen to me. I am glad we went. I am glad she felt pretty good. I am glad she got to see her old friend, the beach. I am glad we got to escape, if only for a moment. But most of all, I am glad we made all those wonderfully positive memories, because mom was right.......We DID need it.

The Notebook

It's tattered and worn. There are paper bits that confetti the floor from between the spiral ring leave a trail to her whereabouts. I'm sure that it once found itself in a high school classroom receiving scribbles of notes--education related or not. It lives on her dining room table, however you will find it tucked beside her most days. She finds it very special. When you open it up and flip the pages, there are random notes that she has written herself. Sporadic phone numbers with no name beside them. But when you get a few pages in, you'll find it...............................

I'm going to talk in circles for a bit, but I have got a point, I promise.

On Thursday Mom received fluids and on Friday she received her first pint of blood. She was disgusted at the thought of receiving someone else's blood. She said "you would have thought I had to drink it, the way I was dreading it. But I feel better! So much better!" And she looked the part. Her skin looked better. SHE WAS SMILING even laughing. She actually apologized to us for her behavior. She called me and told me she was sorry about how she talked to me and how she had been treating me. She said she knew I was doing my best and she was grateful for my efforts. She said she was going to try harder regarding her eating and meds. I believe her. There was an immediate difference in her appetite, directly after her receiving blood. The lady that went several days with nothing to eat, ate grits, watermelon, tomato (yes, she bit into a tomato like an apple because "it looked too good"), vegetable soup (TWO bowls!) and banana nut bread. We are SO proud of her. The other day when we were shopping, she had picked out the perfect living room suit. She has never been able to walk in ANY store and just pick out what she wanted. Our last suit was the cheapest thing in a rent-to-own store. It was all she could afford. So, with her new mood and feeling good, we encouraged her to live a lil', do something she's never done, and go buy her dream living room suit. She did it!

I have told you about mom's living room furniture. Now, let me tell you  little about her bedroom. This is going to sound weird, but I can count on two hands, since I was twelve years old, how many times my mom has slept in her bed. She always sleeps on the couch. When we were all younger, bringing friends and dates over, we assumed that she was just being nosey. She is never one to let stuff happen in her house without her knowledge. She is in EVERYONE's business. In fact, don't text in front of her because she will ask "WHO is that? What are ya'll talking about? I hate it when ya'll text!" She can't stand it. She has got to know what's going on. Anyway, the "nosey theory" was proven wrong when we all moved out and she continued to do it. See, when I was 12, my parents got divorced. It seems she has not found herself comfortable in this room since then. She was given some "hand- me- down"  furniture several years ago. The mattresses are lumpy and the look is plain jane, but it was different  so we thought it might work. Wrong. It was still her's AND daddy's bedroom. She has always ached and hurt because of her long hours standing on a concrete floor. But with her illness, her body sometimes has excruciating aches, reminiscent of what we would call "growing pains" for our kids. I know with all my heart, that sleeping on the couch makes it worse.

THE TEXT: My sister in law called me and told about a mysterious text she had received. The person didn't know my number. When asked "who is this?" they didn't respond. They simply typed "there will be a delivery between the hrs of 10 and 12 tomorrow at Brenda's house from a friend in Christ". That was it. Since I was taking mom for her blood, Ronnie and Amber worked out a plan to be there to receive her flowers or food or whatever this sweet person was sending.

Amber called me in a panic. "Nikki, it's here!" I couldn't wait to hear how pretty the flowers were. "It's a couch and love seat!!!!" I almost fell out. Who could have done this? Oh my goodness! Someone bought my mom a living room suit!!!! I rushed to her house. She still wasn't home. Ronnie decided to pick her up, and they had not made it home yet. The suit was BEAUTIFUL and nicer than anything we have ever had in there. When she walked in, I couldn't help but tear up. She was beside herself. She was so excited. We called the furniture store trying to get a name. They had been sworn to secrecy. The ticket was in mom's name. Whoever this was, wanted NO recognition for it. Mom cried at the thought of someone caring for her so much to send her a living room suit. But now, the dilemma: From nothing to TWO living room suits. What can we do? Me and my brothers had an idea........

Last night, my mom slept in HER very own bed. In HER very own room. On HER very own comfortable brand new mattresses.

Wow. My mom, who saves and works on one room for YEARS because a lack of financial ability, got two rooms of new furniture in a week. She would NEVER have experienced this without the compassion of some wonderful people. You know who you are. Why did you do what you did? Thank you for what you gave my mom. Thank you for what you gave US. I think you know, that I am not JUST talking about furniture. We were so low. At our lowest. The whole family. AND in one day..... ONE day, everything changed. We all found ourselves laughing and happy to be together yesterday. Mom felt better. We felt better.

.........................When you get to it, you will know. The pages are front and back and almost completely out of room. They are filled with names, dates, amounts, cards, objects, prayers, etc. She has written down every person that has helped her in any way. When you scroll down the list to the very bottom, you will find "anonymous person with heart of gold". She intends to write a formal thank you and eventually pay everyone back after she is well. (She isn't one to accept help that is not in "loan" form). She walks around carrying this notebook from room to room. Updating it with every nice gesture that is given. Reminding me to update it when she doesn't feel well. This notebook is full of heart. It is full of love. Full of promise. Promise that though we have bad days, there are better days on the horizon. But most of all, it is full of hope. Hope is all we have right now. The notebook reminds us that though times are tough, we have a arms to fall into. There isn't anything better than that.

Over The Rainbow

Positive Words Commonly Associated With Cancer:

Hope, Courage, Faith, Strength, Love, Fight, Survivor, Beat, Happy, Believe, Trust, Patience, Together, Team, Encourage, Inspire, Work, Grow, Spiritual, Family, Memories, Future, Dream, Goal, Remission


When you hear about a cancer patient or "cancer family", you tend to get the sugar coated version of the situation. "He's really fighting! We have high hopes!" "She is positive, praying and responding well to treatment!" "The family is really working together, no one is alone in this". Everyone knows that when someone asks "How are you doing?", most of the time they want a one-word response. They are not expecting "I'm horrible. I'm scared my mom is about to die and I am mad at her because she is rushing the process. I am mad at myself for being mad at her. I feel guilty for everything. Me and my brother's are at each other's throats and mama has told me to "get out" of her house a hundred times in one week, but I don't listen and this makes her even more mad". That answer would induce a jaw dropping response I am sure. Followed by an awkward "Sorry bout that....Guess we'll see ya later". Here is the thing, my family is not in a good place right now.  My mom has done a complete turn around and is not complying with the Dr's orders, at all. The last few days have been the worst emotionally and physically for her and us since before she was diagnosed. Her tone is elevated and negative. Her temper is short. Asking her to taste something, drink something, take a pill, or anything results in an argument. She has developed a vendetta against me and Ronnie (her two nagging kids) and has been very verbal with this resentment. This situation has proved to be very difficult for us, as we find ourselves in a lose-lose situation.

Negative Words Rarely Mentioned:

Pain, Bald spots, Weight loss, Anger, Sarcasm, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Arguing, Segregation, Disagreements, Defiance, Refusal, Difficult, Stubborn, Sadness, Tears, Screams, Moans, Starvation, Fear, Hurtful, Sabotage, Selfish, Nagging, Conscience, Nightmare, Regret,Waste Away, Loss, Death

In her appointment today, the Dr. was very blunt. "I have seen patients that behave the way you are behaving, Brenda. They die." Mom has not been dedicated to some of her medicines, which has caused alot of her current problems. She has gone several days barely putting any food or fluid in her body. She has lost 11 lbs in less than 2 weeks. This too, has caused several problems. She was told today that if the weight loss continued, the chemo would be stopped. This is not good. Just ONE missed chemo cycle can be very detrimental with mom's aggressive, fast moving cancer. The Dr. could not have been more clear about where mom's current path is leading. It was scary and hurtful to hear. But what was much scarier, was the look in mom's eye. It was the look of exhaustion, sadness, aggravation, and defeat combined into one tear filled frown. She was pitiful. However, it was very difficult to give her the sympathy one would expect, considering the level of animosity that has built between us all. She doesn't want us around--she has said so many times. Not because of US, but because of what we say. Because of our encouraging her to eat, take proper meds and take care of herself. She is sick of hearing it and doesn't think that we understand. She is right. We don't. I hope we never do.

So what happens now? Do we leave her alone like she demands? Do we stop "encouraging" her to be more responsible with the time we have left? At this point it seems like we have to choose between quantity and quality. How does a kid do that for their mom? I always try to end these blogs on a positive note. I try to realize there IS a rainbow on the other side of EVERY situation. I can't really find it here. My mom is angry with me because I am DOING MY ABSOLUTE BEST to keep her here. She resents me for it. Me AND my brothers. We have to lay down and hear her negative words and see her angry looks as we try to sleep at night. But if we do nothing, her negligence will take her from us sooner. We then, will have to try and sleep at night as well, knowing we didn't even try.


Words/Phrases I am Using to Cope:

Mind Over Matter, Tomorrow, Strive, God, Eternal, Cease the Day, Gift, Prayer, Live, Breathe, Enjoy, No Regrets, Salvation, Laugh, Restore, Improve, Determination, One Day At a Time

Guilty Pleasure

It's been a couple of days since my last post, but I have a good explanation. On Sunday June 5, 2011, I thought I became a saved person. I thought I had accepted the Lord into my heart and as my Saviour. However, June 14 around midnight, I started to doubt these thoughts. Let me explain...........

Tuesday Morning:
My mom had not been doing good physically or emotionally. I had mentioned in a couple of my posts recently that I fear she is giving up. Well, this morning when I spoke to her she asked vibrantly "what are you doing today?" I informed her that I was taking my girls to the library and then to the mall. She responded "I want to go." ?????????What??????? I haven't heard this in a LONG time! It felt great to hear! It's the old Mom! Not only is she getting off the couch and getting out, but she's hanging out with me again! I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to make it to the library with us, because Br. Robby paid her a visit to check on her. She loves it when he visits. She always feels better after they talk. So, after their visit, and after the kids and I listened (they play, I listen to the reading) to the story and did our art activity at the library, we decided to skip the mall and go look at furniture. Let me tell you about mama's furniture. There is no cushion left on the arms of her couch. Don't lay your head down hard because you probably won't wake up for a while. Also, there are holes big enough that I am scared I may lose one of my kids in there. Its pretty bad. We have been encouraging her for a while to invest, but to no avail. Anyway, we went and looked at furniture. I could tell she was weak. She kept sitting down at every turn. She even mentioned us leaving a couple of times. But we shopped for a little while and it was SO fun. She wouldn't eat lunch with us, but I didn't say anything to her. It was pretty hot. So I let her off the hook. I didn't want to taint our first fun day together with my nagging. I loved seeing her smile and happy, even though I knew she still wasn't 100 %. Oh, my heart, so full of love. Thank you God.

Tuesday afternoon:
I speak to mom on the phone. She is still beaming from our short shopping trip. She is forever trying to fix up her house. If you have ever tried to do something like that on an almost nonexistent budget, then you know it can take a lifetime to get your house the way you want it. She always gets on little kicks. First, it was her dining room. I think the dining room kick lasted about 4 or 5 years. She saved enough for flooring and bought it. Then she had to save up enough for installation. The boxes of ceramic tile sat on her floor for over a year. She has finally got it (almost) the way she wants it, and now she is moving on to the living room. I am glad! It gives her mind something to focus on besides all the negativity. Judging by her response this morning, I'd say this distraction is just what the Dr. ordered! Praise! My mom is back!

I speak to her a second time and she sounds kind of down. She said she had developed a chill. A chill so severe that she put on her jacket and walked outside (where it was blistering) just to get rid of it. She said the thermometer read 98.1. So, I told her to take some tylenol and call me if she needed me.

Tuesday Night:
The phone had not been working all day due to the company working on the line, so I was startled by it ringing during our supper. The caller ID revealed that it was mom so I jokingly answered with  "MY PHONE'S FIXED!" Her response made my supper come back into my throat "Nikki", her voice was cracking and full of fear, "something is wrong. My head is killing me and I am running 102 fever. That is WITH tylenol in my system." Please understand this: my mom DOES not tell people she is in pain. She does NOT go to the Dr. I could count on one hand how many days she has taken off work for illness, my entire life. She would NEVER want to go to the ER, unless something was bad wrong. "I'll be there in a minute!" I barked as I tripped over toys in the floor in my panic to find my shoes. I rushed to her house and put her in the car. On the way, I contacted the Dr. on call and asked if he could keep us out of the germy

They concluded that her bronchitis had developed into pneumonia. While we waited for the antibiotic drip to finish, we discussed her appetite. I realized that she had not eaten and had barely drank in about 24 hrs. While in the examination room, her stomach started cramping excruciatingly. The nurse said that it would continue to hurt until she ate something to go along with all the medicines in her body. They said that admitting her would expose her to an astronomical amount of germs. So they sent her home with, yet another, pill form antibiotic. When we went our separate ways at midnight I was out done with her. I don't even think she told me "bye".  None of us spoke, actually. That is not like us AT ALL. My older brother  is the "SUPER tough love guy" (sometimes I think TOO tough).  My little brother is the "just leave her alone and don't upset her" guy. I feel like I am somewhere in between my two brothers, I like to consider myself "encouraging" although, mom calls it "annoying". I don't let her get away with anything, but I am nice about it. Firm but friendly. I have only been rude to her once, and it is documented in "The Volcano" post. It left me guilt stricken and did not accomplish anything, so I swore it off.  Anyway, as we left the hospital I decided that it didn't matter WHO had WHAT approach, because none of them were working. She is pulling away from all of us, seemingly giving up and sabotaging her recovery. We are losing time. I was exploding with anger and I almost lost my tongue from biting it so hard. WHY? WHY??????? I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!! My heart was heavy. I guess I wasn't Saved after all.

When I got home, my wonderful husband caught the wrath of a seriously ranting surviving daughter. I used words that would make you shutter. I vented out everything I had pent up as he listened with a stunned look on his face. He agreed with me. Not because he had to, but because he actually did agree with me. He is always honest with me. He said I was justified in all of my feelings and thoughts. Afterwards I felt better. Guilty, but better. I was sure that God wanted nothing more to do with me, my negativity or our newly formed relationship. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a psycho foul mouth like me. How could I blame him? I sure am going to miss that lightness in my heart, though.

Wednesday Morning:
My meeting with Br Robby was today. Mom was supposed to babysit, but she is too sick. I dropped Nori at the donut shop and took Neva with me, HOPING she would actually let me talk to him. I just knew that he would tell me my Salvation window had closed taking any future opportunity with it. The talk was beautifully informative. I learned that just as I would not disown my children, God wouldn't disown me for one temper tantrum. I thought that being Saved would instantly make me a light hearted, cloud-9, do-gooder forever. I really did. Turns out, I can still make mistakes. The biggest difference in my temper tantrums a month ago (not that I have them frequently or anything) and my tantrum from last night: GUILT. I feel horrible. Horrible for my thoughts, my language and my behavior. The guilt was a sure sign of a changing heart.

Wednesday Afternoon/Night:
Mom is still not eating. She has had two bites of chicken in about 48 hrs. We have tried everything. She is putting forth an effort to swallow her antibiotics, though. I watched her take 3 out of 4 halves today (she promised to take the 4th half after I left). She looks so bad to me. I spent the whole day with her (minus my meeting and nap time), and she was cold and quiet. A sure sign that she feels bad. Her body is frail, and I hate that I can now see her bones in certain areas. She asked me to rub her aching back and I had to fight tears as my fingers passed over each protruding bone. Her skin is white and free of that vibrant hue it once possessed. I love her so much. I desperately hope she gets her fight back. Before I left, we had a much-needed conversation about my nagging and her not trying hard enough. When I left, she seemed a TINY bit better. She wasn't rocking back in forth with stomach cramps. She wasn't crying with pain. She wasn't running fever. She still wasn't nearly where I wanted her to be, but she assured me that she would call if she needed me. She hugged me, kissed me (I will never be too old for it) and told me good night.

There it is, my explanation. It's been a crazy couple of days. I have had some slip ups, some fall downs and some "I can't get up!"s. It is nice to know that I am not alone with this. We all have REAL life problems that we deal with. Mine, is my mom's illness. Some of you have lost a loved one. Some are going through a divorce. Some are trying to have a baby, but are having trouble. EVERYONE has hardships. Being Saved, doesn't take that away. Life still exists, you know? All the ups, downs and heartache. You don't go numb after getting Saved. You are just better equipped to handle problems when you are not alone and your heart is full of belief. I still feel guilty, and intend to "work on me" but I am relieved that my new relationship is still in tact. I'm going to continuously work on this relationship. I intend to lean on it for the rest of my life.

Don't Blink

"I have restless legs, but I'm too tired to move around. I am hurting all over. Today is the first day I feel better, but I feel horrible. I saw a Small Cell pamphlet laying on the table and I took it and threw it across the room. I just don't understand. I can't stop coughing. I am coughing and gagging and vomiting over and over. I feel sick to my stomach and I miss my daddy so much. I want to go see him, but he is not there". My mom began to cry. "I'll let you go. I'll call you later. I love you, bye". The conversation ended just like that. She had hung up the phone. She actually sounded better to me, as far as being hoarse and weak sounding. I guess without the sickness to distract her, her mind was free to focus on someone who has played a huge role in her life, and the fact that he is now in Heaven, (her daddy). I knew when she hung up the phone that today was not going to be a good day, regardless of her health status. She is missing her daddy. She is missing her health. She is missing our old life. On top of that, I am really scared that my mom is giving up. She is not smiling. She is not laughing. It was easy to hope for a miracle, when her hope and faith was in a good place. Now my mind is going to a sad place. I am overwhelmed by the fear that I, too, will be suffering from the pain of a lost parent. I am not ready. I am not ready to feel what she is feeling. Where is her fight? Are these just "down days", or has she given up? Oh please God, don't let her give up.

She did call me back. She called me and said "I think I am fixin' to go to Daddy's. I just want to go sit on his porch. I miss it. I miss the house." Being a schedule stickler, I asked her to wait until after nap time, and we would ride with her. I feared what this trip would do to her. I feared what it would do to me and my girls. Since their Papaw The Great has passed, Neva asks me daily if we can go see him. She asks if we can go to Heaven to see him and the angels. It is tough to hear for a "Papaw's girl" like me. I truly never know how to respond when she asks. After nap time, we went and picked up mom and started off on a route that my car is trained to take. The route to Taylorsville. A town small and charming and full of ones that I hold dear. I don't even have to think--my car knows the way. As we were driving, I felt myself forget about moms cancer. I felt myself looking forward to seeing Papaw and "getting back to normal". There it was, normalcy. Me, mom, Neva and Nori stopping to get a drink and snacks on our way to Papaw's house. I think mom was doing the same thing. She was forgetting. She was hoping. Hoping he'd be sitting there on the porch when we pulled up. She wasn't crying anymore. She was actually smiling. We were talking and joking just like all the times before. You know when you catch a hint of a familiar smell and it takes you to another time? Or when You hear a song and find yourself 15 years younger? Then the smell fades and the song ends, and there you are. The smile inexplicably fades from your face and you are back in the present. If it happened once today, it happened 20 times. I kept forgetting everything. Forgetting she is sick. Forgetting he is gone. There is nothing worse than remembering. It's like finding out for the first time over and over again.

When we pulled up at his house, that light an airy feeling from the past was replaced with sadness as we saw some of Papaw's things out on the porch. My uncle, Papaw's only son, is moving in the house. His wife is painting and making the home their own. There was Papaw's Christmas tree. The tree I remember sitting in Mamaw and Papaw's living room when I was a very small child. There were decorations that dwelled on his walls for years lying on the floor, seemingly sad to have lost the cozy spot that they called "home" for so long. The room where we spent countless holidays was empty. Furniture gone, prepped for it's face lift. The kitchen where my girls found there weekly snacks while digging in the fridge was empty and sporting a brand new coat of paint. The den where we spent the winter days that did not allow us to go outside was empty. Full of furniture but empty of the warmth and comfort that it once possessed. Neva caught me staring at the room where we spent so many days. "That is where Papaw the Great sits" she said, pointing to his recliner. "hey!" she said with a shocked tone "it's green! Why is it green?" It hit me. She has never really seen that chair without her Papaw sitting in it. That was his chair. We always looked at him, not the chair. I walked around and tried to soak up what was left of "Papaw's House". It is no longer his and soon, there will be nothing left to remind us of those wonderful times in the past. Nothing but the memories burned into our hearts. We left quickly, only staying about 10 min or so. I found it very painful. However, I could tell that seeing the house in transition to becoming so very different, offered my mom some much needed closure.

On the way home, I could tell that she felt a little better. I know she misses him. The thought of losing my mom petrifies me. I can't imagine the actual feeling of a lost parent. I want to comfort her, and I try. But I have to fight back my anger to do so. Why doesn't she take better care of herself? Does she want us to feel the pain that she is feeling? Every time she refuses to take her medicine, she takes a moment away from us. Every time she misses a meal or refuses to drink, she takes away a memory--because she is too weak to interact with us. I want her to fight again. I don't want to lose ANY time with her. How can I help her? I don't know if I can live without my mom. I need her SO much. She is my best friend. I miss my Papaw too. I want life the way it was.  I feel like I am losing everything and everyone. I know now is the time that I need to rely on my new found faith. I am trying. I will pray and hopefully I will be in a better place tomorrow. In the mean time, please, please cherish what you have. I have unfortunately realized that all that you hold dear and some things you take advantage of can change in the blink of an eye and be stripped away. If you are reading this, Call your daddy, just let him know you are thinking of him. If you are lucky enough to have a grandparent still living, go see them tomorrow. A five minute visit, will mean the world to them. Last but certainly not least, make an effort to visit your mama more often. Hug her. A good hug. A long hug. Tell her you love her. Thank her for her. Do it EVERY time you see her. And whatever you do, don't blink.

Spare Change?

Today started beautifully. Just one of those days where you can soak up every moment. No rush. No obligation. One of those days you would think that I could get lost in the positive and temporarily forget the negative. I gave my girls a bath and watched as they giggled and splashed (and of course argued a little). Then came time to paint toe nails. I am so amazed at how Nori, a one year old, sits so still and quietly as her nails get painted. It is very impressive. When I am doing things like that with my girls, I always flash back to a brighter day that my mom was doing the same thing with me. There is truly not one moment of the day that my mind is able to stray from this situation. Everything I think takes me back to it. Everything I see. Everyone I talk to. There is no escape. My mom is doing a little bit better. She is still tired, but I think the extreme fatigue has subsided a bit. She is still nauseous, but I don't think it is nearly as bad. The main problem we are experiencing right now is her appetite or lack of. In the last week, I have cooked homemade chicken noodle soup (her favorite), I have heated various canned soups, my husband bought her a watermelon and took it to her, I have picked up food from town, I have sent her plates of supper from my house, we have taken her donuts, everything you could imagine just to get her to eat. She won't. I get so frustrated when she says "I'm not hungry" and she makes a disgusted face. The Dr has told us that she probably won't feel hungry. She still has to eat. She WILL NOT listen. She has lost 30lbs in less than 2 months. This scares me, because we have been told that the cancer will eat away her calories--forcing her to lose weight. She needs all the weight she's got. I am so worried. She actually said to me today following church "it hurts to stand, I get exhausted doing hardly anything, I think I am giving in to it". She is worried that she has lost her fight. How do I give it back to her? How do I MAKE her eat?  What happens if she gives up as it appears she already has? She has been so positive and tough through this whole thing. How do I keep her on the right track? How do I MAKE her FIGHT this thing?

After a beautiful morning with my girls, (during which I had to fight off the sad thoughts because they were threatening to ruin the moment), we headed to church. Once again, Brother Robby tapped into my mind and built a sermon around my thoughts, fears and confusion. Today, he talked about being passionate about a relationship with God. Not just saying it-doing it. Living it. Committing to it. Forming a one on one relationship with God intrigues me and scares me. I know that is probably a faux pas in the world of southern baptists, for me to say "I am scared to form a relationship with God". Here is my explanation: At 16, while attending as a guest at a very large "uppety" church in Laurel, I felt pressured to get "saved". The process consisted of raising my hand in a crowded congregation, going into a back room with several other people who had raised their hand, and being prayed for/with. That was it. I felt nothing. I understood nothing. I changed nothing. It was a lie. All of it. I left the same person I walked in. The same empty heart. The same ignorance. The same doubt. So there it is. The source of my hesitation. So now, as I feel my heart changing, (and it SO has! What is happening inside me is so beautiful! I don't know that I thoroughly understand it, but I welcome it!) I can't help but fear "What if I commit and fail?" Is it better to try and fail? or to never commit at all? I would assume a relationship with God would need to be built on the same foundation as a relationship with any other loved one. Trust is a biggy. Can He trust me to live in His name? Will I let Him down? What happens then?

While my questions and ignorance about religion are never ending, I am VERY optimistic about learning. Every week I count down the days until Sunday. I can't wait to hear what will be said. I can't wait to feel that feeling refreshed in my heart. How I wish I could keep "the feeling" that vibrant all week. I have been praying, not just at night when everyone is asleep and I lie awake. I pray all day. I pray for my mom. I pray for my brothers, my husband and kids. One leads to another, you know? I keep going until I have prayed for pretty much everyone I know and even people that I don't! I prayed today that my mom would gain her fight back. I prayed that she would find her optimism again. Every thought takes me back to her. When I think about forming a relationship with God, I think of how she has been encouraging me on my quest to learn more about Him. When I think of changing my life and making a commitment, I think of how she brought me to Him in the first place. When I think I might fail, I think of all the times she has built me up and it prompts me to try harder. When I think "there is no escape from this situation", I think of how I find a great escape in prayer and hearing His word and it makes me want to immerse myself in it. I often talk about fear of the unknown. I am approaching new territory in my life. Change is scary. But perhaps, it's time for a change.

Girl's Night In

In an attempt to help me escape reality, a friend of mine invited me for a card game and some snacks tonight with her and two other girls. Now see, this is not just because of my current situation. This friend is the kind of person that works over time to keep old friends close. She is the birthday remember-er. She is the one that will blow up your phone if you don't respond to her texts. She is the one that organizes outings carefully planning around everyone's life. She is the one that gets mad if you blow off a girl's night, but still invites you to the next one. She is a great friend. They all are. It's really easy to get caught up in your day to day, family, kids, errands, suppers and forget about your friends. I have always believed that a person should make time for their friends.....I've just never practiced it. The minute I got married.....or actually got serious with Michael, I started distancing myself from my friends.  He keeps in touch with every friend he has ever made. He is a great friend. He encourages me to spend more time with friends. I love them, I've just never been a great balancer. I couldn't balance housework and outside work, work and being a mom (I always felt someone was getting ripped off), and more prevalent than any other example, I could not balance being a good friend with life in general. I mentally justify my balancing issues with the thought "family comes first".  Even though I know that "alone time" would make me a better mom (my mom tells me this all the time), I let my guilt take over and I very seldom go anywhere without my children. But when the opportunity presented itself this time, I jumped all over it.

Today was the day of the "devil shot". Luckily, except for a little case of "restless leg", mom didn't struggle with it too bad last time. However, she is still suffering with bronchitis and severe nausea and is just not having good days. Its amazing how this cancer has affected her. The old mom would have worked straight through with her bronchitis, cleaned the house, went to the grocery store, babysat and just never missed a beat. But I've got to tell you, she is down. Very, very down. With the exception of chemo, her head has not left her pillow. I had the kids over there yesterday and she was trying desperately to play with them. They were eating it up! She was sitting on the floor when she jerked Neva's shirt up and started blowing her belly. Neva lit up like the 4th of July when she saw her old Gammy "come out to play". She giggled and belted out the deepest belly laugh when mom continued to blow and tickle. Nothing doing, here came Nori! Shirt up, finger in belly button, almost pointing the way to the perfect tickle spot. They giggled as they silently battled one another for the attention of the lady they have desperately been missing. Sadly, about five min into their play, mama became very winded and had to lay down. Shortly after that, she was fighting her sleep. So me and the kids left. Today, she was unable to play with them at all. I wish they understood. I can see their confusion and their strong desire to have mom back the way she was. I see it because I feel it along side them. I know I never will, but I am petrified they will forget the way she was. Reading that she needed her rest, we gave kisses and left. We came home and I spent some quality time with the girls before heading off for my "girl's night in". The night was filled with chips and dip, diet coke, cards (I WON!), and TONS of laughter. Conversation took a serious turn only once or twice and I did find myself in the bathroom crying at one point. But when I walked out red-eyed, I knew I wasn't being judged. It was absolutely wonderful and SO needed. When I got home, the house was still standing! Michael was still breathing! The girls survived without me! Everyone was sleeping peacefully.

 When I think to myself  "Family comes first", I think I am right. But what defines "family"? My mom. My husband and daughters. My brothers. My extended family. They all need me and I need them. But what I am realizing through all of this, is family is not just blood. I am so lucky to have friends that have stuck by me. Friends that make me laugh when I can't stop crying. Friends that won't let me go into "hermit mode" which I frequently try to do when life gets tough. Friends that know just when to talk about the sad stuff and when to change the subject. When everything is stripped away from us what do we have? When we leave this world, what will be remembered? All we have is the bonds we have formed and the legacy we have created. I have now made it my primary goal, to strengthen both. Because if tomorrow never comes for me, I want to be remembered for my balancing skills. I want to be the one who put "family AND friends first".

Fear FACTor

  I wanted to take the time to post a few facts about mom's cancer for those of you who are not familiar with it.

• Small-cell lung cancer grows rapidly. 
• Small-cell lung cancer spreads quickly.
• Small-cell lung cancer responds well to chemotherapy (using medications to kill cancer cells) and radiation therapy (using high-dose x-rays or other high-energy rays to kill cancer cells).  
• The predominant cause of both small-cell lung cancer and non–small-cell lung cancer is tobacco smoking. However, small-cell lung cancer is more strongly linked to smoking than non–small-cell lung cancer.
• Even secondhand tobacco smoke is a risk factor for lung cancer.
• Persons with small-cell lung cancer typically have had symptoms for a relatively short time (8-12 weeks) before they visit their doctor.   
• The symptoms can result from local growth of the tumor, spread to nearby areas, distant spread, paraneoplastic syndromes, or a combination thereof. 

Symtoms Include:

• Cough
    
• Coughing up blood
    
• Shortness of breath
    
• Chest pain made worsened by deep breathing 

• Hoarseness of voice
• Difficulty swallowing, resulting from compression of the esophagus (food pipe)

• Swelling of the face and hands, resulting from compression of the superior vena cava (vein that returns deoxygenated blood from the upper body)

• Spread to the brain can cause headache, blurring of vision, nausea, vomiting, and weakness of any limb. 

• Spread to the bone can cause bone pain.
• Spread to the liver can cause pain in the right upper part of the abdomen. 

• Nonspecific symptoms include fatigue, loss of appetite, and weight loss.

In case of extensive stage small cell lung cancer, life expectancy is approximately 1 year i.e. 12 months. However, if the patient undergoes treatment, the life expectancy may increase to 20 months.

(facts are courtesy of WEBMD)

 When I think about this horrible thing growing inside my mom it really scares me. This cancer is such a monster. It is said that most people are not diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer until it is in the extensive stage (not contained to one area). It moves so quickly. They actually told us, that this cancer can change dramatically in just a few days. This is scary. When you think about it, if mom had not been able to get the proper testing or get started on chemo as quickly as she did, she may not be here today. Every day is so precious. What is even scarier, is that mom is still sick with this bronchitis. Not just a little sick, VERY sick. She is truly not any better. On top of that, she is SUFFERING with nausea this time. This has not been a big issue through the last two cycles, but when I talked to her this morning she was struggling to get her medicine down. She was dry heaving, gagging and fighting off tears. They told us that if she runs a fever 24 hrs before a treatment, they will cancel it. That is not good. We do not know what to expect form day to day. There is no norm in this situation.I fear what will happen if chemo is postponed. I am headed out to take her for Day 3 of Cycle 3, but first, I wanted to post a few facts of my own.

• My mom is loved beyond comprehension by her 3 children
• My mom single handedly made us all what we are today--good hearted people
• My mom is the strongest person that I know
• My mom is beautiful inside and out
• My mom will never have to face a test, Dr., treatment or symptom alone
• My mom believes that she makes her own statistics
• My mom believes "Cancer is strong, but God is stronger"
• My mom believes whole heartedly that she is going to be a miracle
• My mom believes that God is in control

(Facts are courtesy of my heart)

"Like Sands Through The Hour Glass......"

 From the moment my mom got sick, I have had this "expect the worst" negativity about me. It's not on purpose. I have always been a worrier, who thought up horrible scenarios in an attempt to avoid them. "If I expect the worst, I can be prepared for it" was kind of my mentality. My mom has always told me that I was going to worry my life away. When she was diagnosed, I got MUCH worse. I have had alot of hardships lately. Through it all I have felt the anger building inside of me. I just COULD NOT understand why this was all piling up on us at one time. Nori's reaction, my grandfather, the numerous bad news bombs regarding mom, WHEN WILL IT END?

I awoke this morning, having had my best night's sleep in a LONG time. My eyes opened as my ears caught  the sound of Nori, (my one yr old) talking to herself down the hall in her bedroom. It is typically always Nori that wakes me up. The sound of her crying, chanting "MAMA! MAMA!", or the carrying voice of an interesting conversation with herself usually lures me from my dreams each morning. I quietly rolled out of bed, careful to not wake Neva. (Yes, Neva runs to our room around 1:00AM each morning and I let her sleep with us. Don't judge me. We are working on it. I did better with Nori. You always learn your lesson with the second one.) I sleepily walked down the hall and cut the corner into Nori's room. I first saw the big cute-as-can-be smile on her face, then I saw her eye swolen shut. "Oh my goodness, baby! What happened?!?" I asked, as if she was about to give me a detailed account of the incident. I jerked her from her crib and covered her in kisses. By this time, I could hear Neva waking up. I walked in to my bedroom, Nori in tow and sat down next to Neva. I began examining Nori's body. There was some sort of  "mark" under her eye and on her eye lid. They kind of looked like ant bites. Since we spend a lot of time outdoors, its not out of the ordinary to have these marks. I gave her a dose of benedryl, got the kids ready and we headed off to pick up their Gammy. Time to begin Chemo cycle #3.

When we got to mom's house, I noticed that she was not any better than yesterday. She is still very sick. It hurt ME to hear her horrible cough and she looked so weak. She had managed to cook the girls a small breakfast to keep us from stopping somewhere. I waited while the they ate and mom got dressed. Meanwhile, I noticed that Nori's condition seemed to be deteriorating. I figured the benedryl would be kicking in but her eye actually looked WORSE! Even though she acted like she felt fine, Mom advised me to take her to the Dr. to be on the safe side. We have not had good experiences with allergic reactions in the past, so I agreed. After we dropped her off at chemo, we headed 2 buildings down to the pediatric clinic. Ronnie (my brother who is a teacher and coach) is done with school, so when football practice ended he went to pick mom up. This worked out good, because I could put my focus on Nori. While we waited for the Dr., Nori broke out in an awful rash and started sporadically gagging as if her throat was bothering her. I also noticed that her other eye was getting puffy. I feared that we would have a repeat of her last reaction-which remains THE MOST TERRIFYING 2 DAYS OF MY LIFE. She was playing with her sister as if she felt fine, so this comforted me. The Dr. looked at her symptoms, looked at her blood, gave her more benedryl, a steroid shot, and referred her to an allergy specialist, which we will see in a couple weeks. We have a follow-up tomorrow. I am supposed to take her to the ER in the unfortunate situation of her condition worsening.

I can feel my demeanor changing. I love this new me. I hope it's not temporary. If this day had happened 2 months ago, even 2 weeks ago, I would be furious with everyone and everything. What a day! I had my mom taking chemo. My baby was 2 doors down with, yet another, scary reaction. Instead of asking "why me?" or thinking "I can't take much more", I felt confident. I CAN do this. Don't get me wrong, I am scared. Who wouldn't be? But I won't let my fears take over. I won't let anger overcome me. I really feel like I can take whatever life throws at me, learn from it, and move on. I don't want to worry about the "what if's" anymore. If I have learned anything, it is that you can't worry yourself into being prepared for every situation. You will waste precious time. You can't live in tomorrow's possible tragedies. You will lose today. Life is full of ups and downs and twists and turns. You have to be able to take the good with the bad. I am definitely on a bumpy road right now and I am sure I will find myself confused at times. But that is then, and this is now.

"WHEN WILL IT END?", I don't want to know anymore. I don't want "it" to end. "It" is life. Life, though unpredictable, is wonderful. I want to live mine to the fullest.

Glorious Today

When I felt her forehead, I knew something was wrong. Mom was definitely warm. She had flu-like symptoms. She felt horrible. When I took her temperature and the thermometer revealed a temp of 101, I felt my heart fall into my stomach. "Today is the day" I thought. I am in constant fear that "the day" is coming. "The day" that mom's health hits a downward spiral. I quickly called the Dr. on call, Dr. Dobbs, who referred us to the SCRMC emergency room. For those of you asking yourselves "Why an ER visit for such a low fever?" The answer is simple yet complicated. Basically, ANY fever with a cancer patient taking chemo is an emergency. They typically can't fight off even minor stuff like you and I. The Dr. told us it was very likely that they would admit mom to administer fluids and antibiotics. When I broke the news to mom, she was not happy, but she knew she needed to see someone. She was very sick. So I called Ronnie, Josh and the Aunts. Michael put the car seats in his truck and drove away with two angry little girls. We took off, hearts aching with fear, to the ER.

When we walked in, the red carpet rolled out for us. Dr. Dobbs had called ahead and per her orders, the TEN minutes that we had to wait, we were in a separate room--free of germs. During that ten minutes, Josh was on his way, and me, Ronnie and Mom were talking. She told us that she knew she was sick several days earlier, but hoped it was just a passing thing. We then engaged in a light lecture in which we told her that she couldn't let these things go. She HAD to tell us. We can't feel what she is feeling. She took the "scolding" like a pitifully, ashamed child. Head down. Nervously tapping her feet. Rocking her body back and forth in her chair. And then, her lip began to tremble. "I am so scared" she began. "I am so scared that it's growing inside me. I feel as bad as I did in the beginning. I don't think the medicine is working". She broke down in a hysterical cry. She was scared. This hit me hard. This is one of the first times I have heard her talk about being fearful. This is one of the first times she has revealed any negative thoughts. I thought I was alone with my fears. Everyone, especially her, seems so confident. I hugged her and assured her that I loved her with all my heart, but I couldn't help but think "maybe she is right".

Josh arrived right after we were called back and we were immediately working diligently on a plan to defy the "2 visitors per room" rule. Unfortunately, they had a hall monitor that took her job very seriously. She was kind of scary too. It took some doing, some definite "James Bond" type maneuvers, but we all three made our way in there. At one point, I was hiding behind a curtain from a nurse that was checking moms temp (the curtain only came about halfway down my leg-SOME hiding spot) and she found me! But, she was nice enough to let me stay.We only came out to allow "the aunts" (moms sisters) and Brother Robby to go in and visit. They checked her blood, did a flu swab, and a chest Xray. When the Dr came back in he gave us some pretty great news, everything looked good. She had Bronchitis and needed an IV antibiotic, but we would be able to go home. Mom was relieved. But when the cheers really let out is when he revealed that the chest Xray showed a significantly smaller cancer in moms chest! We were SO excited! But, I think I speak for all of us when I say, we couldn't rest easy until we got the CT and MRI results today. However, When I got home at midnight last night, I kissed my angelic, sleeping girls and went to sleep with a smile on my face. As I drifted off, I replayed the scene in my head over and over and over. It was the FIRST positive news we have heard in ages.

Mom slept the better part of today. She is weak. She has the worst cough you could imagine. She really isn't any better, except the fever is gone. We arrived at her appointment, unknowing if we would receive test results or if this was just a weekly checkup. Once again, in her blunt way, (I kind of like the straight forward approach), the Dr revealed the results without warning. It was our miracle! All of mom's cancer is significantly smaller! There has been much progress. Of course, this is a miracle to us, although this is a common response for Small Cell Cancer to have after a couple cycles of chemo. We, sadly, were expecting bad news today. It is what we are used to receiving. Positive news may be typical in the world of statistics-but it is anything but typical for us here lately. The TRUE miracle, that even the Dr admitted wasn't expected, is that her brain tumors were smaller! Much smaller! The Dr. told us in the beginning that the chemo WOULD NOT treat the brain tumors. They would be monitored closely, and if there was movement, they would begin radiation. This was an unexpected bonus. "Some of the medicine made it up there, I guess" she replied using her scientific train of thought. "It can happen, it's just not typical".

My mom refuses to believe that chemo touched her brain. "The prayers we've received shrank my tumors" she declared with her hoarse, weak voice. "It was God". I  proudly admit that I agree with her whole heartedly.

 When we left, we were on cloud nine. Happiness overflowed from our hearts. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. We don't know when "the day" will come. But today, GLORIOUS today, brought us our miracle.

A Weight, Lifted or Shared?

Something happened to me today. I'm pretty sure that it has been happening but I just realized it today. I think, in order for you to understand what I am feeling, I need to catch you up on the situation.

Friday: We took mom for her CTs and MRI. This was not a good day. Mom had been sleeping alot and speaking about how exhausted she felt. She had a familiar look on her face. She was quiet and not talking again. For those of you that have been reading, you know this is the way she behaved just before she was diagnosed. She shut down. It is as if she knew, but wasn't telling anyone. Looking back, I feel like she shut us out in some sort of attempt to protect us from what she felt happening in her body. So anyway, Ronnie, me and my girls waited for her as she had her tests done Friday. She became ill during her CT and vomited while they were scanning. She was pitiful. She felt horrible. She came out of the room immediately following the test and walked straight to the truck, got in and asked to be taken home. This is not a typical "goodbye scene" in our family. We kiss and hug and say a couple of "I love you"'s and typically speak on the cell phone before we make it wherever we are going. When I got in my car I cried. I was so scared. I was sad. The one thing I didn't feel was anger, for a change. Before long, my cellphone was ringing and it was Ronnie. "Mom is sick. Something is wrong". I called the clinic immediately and they told us to bring her in. Her BP was 108/59 and she was dehydrated. They quickly gave her a bag of drip. I sat there looking at her as she received the fluids. She was so pale. So skinny. She slept the whole time. They said she would feel better afterwards, but she didn't. She didn't leave the couch the remainder of the day.

Saturday:  This was the day of moms's much anticipated benefit. Volunteers have been slaving for weeks to pull together an extravaganza in honor of MY mother. There were signs posted on major highways, street corners and store fronts advertising this joyous event. I think we all have that moment before a shower or party or anything, that is important to us, where we ask ourselves "will anyone show up?" I wanted it to be successful, not for the money, but for the sake of my mom seeing how much she is loved. I stopped by mom's house before going to the benefit. Mom was not looking any better than the night before. She didn't feel well at all. She had a horrible cough and her ribs were hurting from the excessive coughing. I assured her that everyone would understand if she didn't go. She was insistent on going, but taking her own car in case she needed to leave. I was very uneasy about her going. But, it also wasn't something I wanted to deprive her of.

When I arrived at the grounds, there were cars everywhere! I made an attempt to speak to EVERYONE who had given up their Saturday to stand in the blistering heat, for my mom and my family. I was blown away! There was a stage set up, there were tents with snacks and activities, several jumps for the kids, the smell of delicious food filled the air and lively music set the tone for a happy day. As I walked around the grounds, I had nothing to do. It was all being done. And once mom made it there, and I saw she was okay, I had nothing to worry about. Our day to day lives are filled with appointments, medicine schedules and running from one place to another and just fearing "is her situation going to worsen today?". But not this day. This day we were carefree. Free to have fun and enjoy life. What a blessing! What a great gift our friends and family gave us. The gift of freedom. For the first time in a long time- my heart felt so light. I felt this burden lifted--almost like someone was helping me carry it. Not just someone, lots of people. I cannot put into words the feeling that filled my heart. I found myself enjoying this miserably hot, incredibly joyous day. I felt myself smiling, even when I wasn't thinking about it. And mom was good! She looked SO much better than she had just a few hours earlier! Between the visitors and volunteers and the incredible performers that took the stage my mind was free from worry and my heart was free of doubt. I found the old me. I saw the old mom. I saw Josh and Ronnie smiling and conversing and I knew the feeling wasn't just mine. Our community lifted us from our broken state and embraced us with their love and compassion. The benefit was a huge success for our family (the proceeds are just a bonus). Thank you to everyone who attended. You will never know exactly how wonderfully you have impacted our little family.

Sunday:  I sat in church, Mom on my left, my sister in law on my right. My girls safely placed in the care of sweet volunteers. Brother Robby spoke about giving yourself to God. He spoke about recognizing our sins, apologizing to God and starting a life in which we dedicate to Him. I hung off of his every word. I knew that this is something I want to do. "But what if I fail? What if I slip up? I'm not a criminal, but I am certainly not a saint. I have had alot of negative thoughts run through my head lately WITHOUT my permission. What if I can't stop them? What if the anger comes back and I can't control it? What if the sadness takes over and makes me bitter?" All these questions streamed through my mind as I heard him speak so eloquently about the day God came into his heart. There was no big ceremony. The preacher was still talking while our Savior filled Brother Robby's heart with love and belief. "I am so glad that day happened, so that I could be here listening to him today", I thought.  Oh, how his delivery touches me.

So that is where I am. I want dedicate my heart to Him. Is it normal to be afraid of failure? I hope so. I can't explain the way my heart feels. I am still scared and I don't want to even think about losing my mom. I am still emotional. I still cry alot. But my heart feels different. I don't know if the anger is gone forever. But after praying and praying and seeing all these people reach out to lift my family and attending church and listening to His word, I feel so much love in my heart. It is so welcomed. It feels so much better that the heaviness of anger. A volunteer said to me the night before the benefit "Your mom is going to touch someone through this process. She is going to help someone come to God. There IS a reason for everything". For the first time since that dreary day in the Dr's office, I believe it.

Beat-Up to Up-Beat: A Mother's Love

I would go so far as to say last night was my worst night. I don't know. I really thought that I would be adjusting by now. That it would all be sinking in. But every time my head hits the pillow, my mind goes somewhere sad. When I found myself thinking negatively and having , yet another, pity party, I decided to post a blog. When I sat down at the computer, so many thoughts came into my mind and not one of them was uplifting. I want to be honest about my thoughts and feelings as my family goes through this difficult situation. But, I do not want to bombard you nightly with sadness and negativity. I decided that it was not a good night to talk about my feelings. That's when I decided to look at some pictures and share them with you. However, that plan definitely had the adverse effect. An hour after sitting down at the computer (which is located in our bedroom) I unknowingly woke Michael up with my sobbing. He got out of bed and came straight over to the computer desk. For about an hour, he would be telling me "you can't do this to yourself" and "it's going to be alright". He had me wrapped in the tightest, most comforting hug. It isn't easy getting up as early as he does- when you DO get a decent night's sleep. I didn't want to keep him up any longer than I already had. So, I assured him I was fine and he returned to bed. However, I wasn't fine. Far from it. I found myself just dozing off as his snooze button solo began. My last thought was "tomorrow will be better". WRONG.

Today was an equally emotional day for me. Nori has been sick since Sunday morning with some kind of upper respiratory infection. This morning, though she tested negative for strep and her blood test was clean yesterday, Neva woke up with 102 temp. So on top of being in a bad place regarding my mom, I have two whiny, pitiful babies to care for. We left the house only to go to David's Grocery to get something quick to cook for supper. I had this flashback as I was walking in the door. I felt that familiar feeling. That "old me" feeling. I just knew I was going to walk in and see my mom in her little blue apron standing behind the counter as I have done countless times in the past. Her beautiful smile. Running around in super-hyper mode like always. But she wasn't there. She was at home, exhausted and doing a breathing treatment. Instead, there was a sign outside reminding everyone to about her benefit on Saturday. And reminding me, that life was never going to be the same.

I guess these emotions can be blamed on fear. I am in fear of what tomorrow's tests will reveal. Tomorrow we will be at SCRMC at 7:30 am. for a CT of the chest, a CT of the stomach and a MRI of the head. This is standard procedure. They want to see if the cancer is responding to the chemo, how much progress has been made and if the brain tumors (which have not been treated yet) are the same size as they were initially. See, this all happened so fast, they never actually did a CT of her stomach. It got "back-burnered" because of the urgency to begin chemo. The treatment would be the same regardless to the location of the cancer. So, we have no idea what news we will receive following these tests. I will tell you this, mom has been having symptoms that have us very concerned about her colon and she has been having pretty bad headaches. I am so scared. Mom says she doesn't want to know. She prefers to not even have the tests done. I guess the only news that would actually change things, is if the brain tumors are larger. Then we will begin radiation immediately. They have already told her that following "whole brain radiation", her hair will never grow back. You would think that would be a tough pill to swallow for a woman that refuses to accept the 1 year timeline she has been given. She is adamant that she will be here in 5 years, maybe longer. But, she actually never even reacted to the news about her hair. That was the same day she told the Dr "I'm going to be your miracle". She has moments everyday, but she is surprisingly upbeat about this whole thing.

So how do I do it? How do I stop crying and start smiling? I'm trying so hard. I just want to stop feeling beat-up and start feeling upbeat. If mom can do it, shouldn't I be able to? Michael, noticing how much I have been crying, told me to try and focus on something positive when the bad stuff creeps into my thoughts. So that is what I am doing. I have two little babies here that need me. I want them to have the best of me, not the worst. If I can't do it for ANY other reason, I can make myself upbeat for them. Perhaps that is what my mom is doing for me, as well.

Memory Lane

I have decided to blog in photo form tonight for a couple of reasons. The first one is, I am afraid if I write from my heart (as I always do) I will be more negative than ever. I am having a bad night. Full of fear. Full of anger. The second reason is I am kind of in the mood to stroll down memory lane and I want to take you with me. So, now that I have my precious angels in bed and Michael is glued to the History Channel, I would like to show you the most important thing in my life....My Family......

Baby Neva

Aunt Jamina, Uncle Gabe, and Rylee

Uncle Josh

Uncle Bubba

Papaw The Great meeting his Neva for the first time

Noah, Neva, Cutter

Happy 1st bday sweetheart! "wanna a bite DaDa?"

Check out that baby bump

Nay Nay and Pawpaw

Woah! Check out THAT baby bump!

Welcome Nori

First fishing trip

Papaw The Great loved when babies sat still like Nori

My Daddy

That's not the same pudding from the earlier picture

Baking a cake with mom

What a CATCH! (the fish too)

TOUCHDOWN!

............Priceless

Happy 1st Birthday lil angel!

Baby Brady

Noah

Most people find comfort in looking at photos. I always end up super sad. I hope you enjoyed meeting my family. I will be back writing again tomorrow.