My Mili



Can I just brag for a minute?

I talk about the big girls all the time, because they are verbal and more active and more involved in different activities....But, I have to brag about my little one tonight. She's just something else. My little baby (who refused to sit up until she was almost 8 months old) has started crawling, waving, blowing kisses and actually saying "bye bye" all THIS week. I knew she was smart, but I'm pure blown away by her meeting so many milestones in the last few days! She will be nine months on the 1st and I just can't handle it. I hate how fast time is flying. Mili is.....she is just.....I can't even explain it. When I think of her I get an ache in my heart. Like a good ache...I love her so much, it literally hurts. That's the case with all my girls. They are my life. And it truly is a beautiful life. Sometimes I think Mili is spoiled from all the attention she gets, and other times I worry she gets back burnered because of my other two active little angels. One thing is for sure, she loves me. When I walk in the room, those eyes light up and she lets out a shrill of delight. She will barely let anyone hold her, other than me. I love it, and I worry about it. I want her to be social and friendly and not afraid to interact with others. But I LOVE that I am her favorite. My big girls cater to her....Neva wants so badly to "mother" her, while she and Nori giggle together like best friends. I love, love, love that they are all so close. Just when I have that "was I crazy to have 3 kids back to back?" moment, I walk in on them rolling around and playing so sweetly together. Then, I know how incredibly perfect life is. Perfectly imperfect. Of all Mili's accomplishments this week, I will tell you the one I am most fond of...She let me rock her tonight. I...ATE....IT....UP. She has not let me rock her since she was around 3 months old. She prefers to lay in her bed and self soothe. But her little personality just exploded this week. She's so much more mature. It's just crazy how they seemingly change over night. It's truly miraculous. As for the rocking, I DO miss it. I will admit it. It's my fault that she grew accustomed to falling asleep on her own. I made it happen. I have three very young children, I can't pat them to sleep simultaneously. I just can't. So, as soon as she was old enough, I put her in her own room. Night after night at the same time I placed her in her crib to fall asleep. Soon, it was her routine. And, she does NOT like to break routine. With the craziness of having a family of 5, her sleeping habits usually come in handy. But in my down moments, I crave her. I want to hold her as she drifts into her dreams. It's a beautiful moment between a mother and her baby. So, when she laid her head on my shoulder earlier, my heart skipped a beat. The next thing I know, I am rocking and singing and she is laying calmly in my lap studying my face and rubbing my mouth (Just like Neva--to this day, Neva will rub my mouth to soothe herself. Weird, I know). Anyway, It was an incredible moment. My heart is still swollen. Then she started squirming and whining, so the moment ended. But it didn't matter. I was on cloud nine. I took her in her room, put her in her crib, told her "I love you, Mili. Bushel and a peck, hug around the neck, and ALL my heart". She smiled, rolled over and started sucking her thumb. I walked toward the door and looked back one last time. I saw my growing baby all curled up and cozy in her crib, with her little fleece sleeper keeping her warm. I smiled at the thought of how safe and secure she must feel. I love, that she knows she's loved. Then I flipped the light switch and walked away thanking God for my perfect little angel. I am hopelessly in love. I am so very, very blessed.

Pardon Me While I Have a Breakdown

If anyone thought anything about my absence from my blog recently, I am finally ready to tell ya what happened.

Last Saturday a friend of my brother, lost his mom to cancer........ I kept up with her situation through my mom and through my brother. She had been battling long before my mom's diagnosis, and she lived almost nine months after my mom's passing. Their fights were similar and yet completely different. Facing her loss, brought up a lot of old feelings that I'm apparently not emotionally mature enough to handle. I have come to a conclusion---

I will never, EVER, get over this hurt.

Ever.


After hearing the news of her loss, I was sitting in my car and I began to cry. My heart's fresh wound was ripped back open. Don't mistake me, this wasn't a woman I saw every day, every week, or even every month. But she was a beautiful person with a precious family. And when I thought of her loved ones in those first moments after loss--I couldn't help but cry for their hurt. I know that feeling. It's so surprising when it happens. Even if you kind of know it's coming, it's a shock when you know your mom has breathed her last breath, and she's gone. She's never going to smile at you again, she's never going to gripe at you again, she's never going to squeeze you tight again, she's never coming back--and there's nothing you can do about it. When I thought of those poor kids (who are adults), I was overcome with hurt for them. I cried the entire day as I was flooded with memories from that faithful day back in February, when my life changed forever.

Sunday, I awoke ready to announce to my church family that I was saved. I don't know why I waited a year to walk down, but I did. God had been pulling at my heart for a couple Sundays--so I knew it was time to make it public and finish the process. When I got to church, I was still fighting tears....Partly for Ms. Judy's family, and partly because my mom was weighing so heavily on my heart. She was so fresh in my mind and the ache was so excruciating, it was as if not more than a day had passed since I lost her. After we walked down, and the service ended, I was bombarded with hugs and attention for my announced decision. My eyes were scanning the room as I walked out and they fell on the side view of my mom....Well, not really my mom. But in that split second when i saw a thin female frame, wearing a black sweater and pants that looked like an outfit straight out of my mom's closet, and sweet lil black hat covering her little head---I THOUGHT it was my mom. In that split second, I traveled back in time. I was the old Nikki. Mom was there. She was proud of my decision. She was making her way to me. Which reminded me: "Hey why didn't---------".....Then she made her way to me. She looked at me and smiled. I bounced back into reality and took the hug she offered. There was no need to finish my question "why didn't you sit with me?", because it wasn't my mom. My mom wasn't there. She's gone. In actuality, it was a sweet lil cancer fighter, that is the mother-in-law of a friend of mine. I accepted the hug from her tiny little body and as I held her, I couldn't help but think how eerily similar her hug felt to my mom's. I took it in. It was bittersweet. I would spend the next 10 minutes trying my best to get to my car without allowing the monsoon of tears welling up in my eyes, and the hurricane of emotions in my heart to make landfall. I made it to the parking lot before I started to cry, but by the time I made it to my car--I was devastated. I spent the ENTIRE day crying....The ENTIRE day.

That afternoon, I went to visit with my brothers friend and his family. I was very hesitant, considering my emotional condition. But I went anyway. When I walked in, I was knocked down by an overwhelmingly familiar feeling. There is this heaviness....and darkness... that hovers when there is loss. Even if you are the most devout Christian, you are human, and loss of a loved one is hard. Really, Really, hard. Though we should, it's hard to be happy or celebrate, when you have lost something so preciously wonderful in your life. When I walked in this house, I was greeted with the kindest smiling faces. But, I recognized those smiles. They are cover ups. Those smiles were covering a lot of sadness, a lot of confusion, and a lot of pain. I remember everyone coming in and out of mom's house after she passed. It's incredible. The love that people have for their hurting neighbors is mind boggling. I am so thankful for the distraction that they provided for us, during our darkest days. But, I remember forcing my smile for our welcomed guests. I was not really there, I was lost in my pain. I remember feeling scared, and alone, and broken. And with each smiling face with an armload of food, I put those feelings aside and smiled back, though I admit it wasn't authentic. The Roberson's did the same for me. I wanted to say "you don't have to smile, it's ok", but, I reminded myself that everyone handles things differently. Perhaps their smiles are authentic. Perhaps they are enlightened enough to be happy about their loved one's passing. Either way, being in that room took me, once again, to that cold February day, when I had to come to terms with the loss of my best friend. And it messed me up so bad, that I can't even express it to you.

 After the weekend ended, I found a little sanity in the redundancy of our weekly routine. I grabbed it and threw myself into it. I found myself reading scripture, praying nonstop, reading the girls stories, cleaning house, doing art activities, hugging, kissing, playing, dancing and living. And, slowly, without even realizing it, I got better. I am learning, slowly but surely, that life is painful. It is joyful, it is rewarding, it is irreplaceable...But it is also painful. I am sure there are many more breakdowns in my future. But, you have to take the good with the bad, right? You have to take the loss with the gain, and the pain with the joy. And you just have to take it day by day. Today, is a new day. It's better than yesterday. I can't say what tomorrow will bring....But I can say, I will handle it. I may have pain in my heart or a tear in my eye, but I WILL handle it, and I will learn from it, and come out a stronger, wiser person than I went in.

The Announcement

In June of  2011 I asked Jesus to forgive me my sins. He heard my pleas and conquered my heart. I was saved. As Brother Robby would describe it, "the kind of savin' you don't get over". Today, over a year later, I shared that decision with my friends at Journey Church. My husband held my hand as I walked down and he supported me like always. Then afterwards, I got tons of hugs and affirmations. I am now a candidate for Baptism. I invite you, once again, to join me as I learn more about our Lord and Savior. Then when it's time, you too, can make that most important decision as well. The day you make that decision, will be the BEST day of your life. I am so happy about the turn my life has taken. I am excited for the Journey before me.

8 Months

Dear Mama,

Today marks exactly 8 months since you left and went to Heaven. 8 months is a life time, and a blink at the same time. It feels like forever since I last saw your beautiful green eyes, felt the warmth of one of your hugs, heard your incredible laugh and just felt the "it's gonna be alright", feeling that you gave me without even trying. But, when it comes to the pain, it feels as fresh as if I lost you yesterday. I actually found myself talking to a person in a similar situation at church tonight, and fighting the tears welling up in my eyes. There are no words to express how much I miss you. Absolutely no words. I love you Mama. Oh my goodness, I love you so much I can't hardly stand it. Do you know how incredible you were? Did we tell you enough? You were the best. The best mom. The best grandma. The best friend....You were just the best. You are so irreplaceable, that it seems the hole you left in our lives will never be filled. So we live everyday with an excruciating ache that threatens to never end.

Besides still grieving your loss, everyone is doing pretty good:

Ronnie is approaching playoffs and working all the time. He is always cooking and creating some new dish. He fried his first egg tonight, and it turned out pretty good! (he sent me a picture). He has also agreed to host the Talorsville family for Thanksgiving dinner at his house! Thanksgiving in a bachelor pad ought to be interesting.

Josh has been in and out of town a lot lately. Not so much that he couldn't take his family on a road trip vacation, though. He was in a wedding in Green Bay, so they took the long way and hit all kinds of attractions on the way there. The biggest one was a White Sox game, I think. They had a blast! I think he is flourishing in his new job. I never hear him say anything negative about it. He is still a goofball....some things never change..

 Neva is in gymnastics and her teacher raves about her talent. She can write the letters of her name and almost put them together in the right order. Besides her smart mouth, the only time I have any trouble out of her, is when she misses her nap. She still talks about you a good bit. She asks me periodically if God and the angels are done making you well, and if you are about to come home. Then I have to explain it to her again. She definitely talks about you, but some of the stories she tells now, makes me think her memory of you is getting fuzzy. Sometimes her stories aren't exactly factual...It's hard to explain, but it's like she wants to talk about you.....She wants to remember you...So she inserts your name into other stories, (that you couldn't have been a part of) in an attempt to hang on to your memory. I don't correct her. I let her go. I don't know what would be worse, listening to her talk about you nonstop, or facing the fact that she is forgetting you. The other night at a football game, they released some balloons into the air. She looked up so sweetly as they drifted out of sight, then asked "Are those balloons going to Heaven so God can give them to Gammy?" I told her "yes" and she seemed very happy at the thought of you getting a special gift in Heaven.

Nori is in dance class and she is doing...better. She dances up a storm at home, but the moment we walk in those doors to bust a move for her teacher, she clams up and begs me to hold her. I have to fight the urge to get aggravated. Most of the time, I am on the dance floor with all the 2 and 3 year olds, doing the moves the instructor is teaching in an attempt to influence Nori to join in. It's like I'M taking the class...Since I am an unofficial student, I keep waiting for an invite to play a part in the Christmas Recital... Anyway, last week, I saw some pretty big improvements, so I have high hopes. She talks like a 5 year old, but no one would know, because she doesn't speak to anyone. She's not super social right now. She is SO SMART! She can draw circles and is very artistic. She's so girly. She loves getting dressed up and putting on sunglasses, a purse and tons of makeup, then walking around the house in character. She talks about you here and there, but it's usually prompted.

Mili is FINALLY sitting up....She is almost crawling, fully feeding herself, drinking out of a sippy cup here and there, and she has said some words. She has been saying "mamamamamama" and "dadadadadada" but, she hasn't shortened those into the actual words yet. Then she started saying "yay!" and clapping her hands. Well, now she says "hey". It is so cute and sweet. I have decided that I can't be pleased. When I trained Neva to be rocked and petted until she fell asleep, I vowed "never again". Well, now I've got a baby that WILL NOT let me rock her. I've tried. She won't lay in my bed and cuddle with me. Oh it makes me so sad sometimes! Sometimes a mommy wants to cuddle with her baby.  But, when she gets sleepy she HAS to have her bed. She doesn't even cry. When she rubs her eyes that first time, I take her in there and lay her down. She sucks her little thumb until she dozes off. She sleeps in her bed all night long. You better not go get her if you hear her wake up and rolling around! She will freak out! She requires "me time" after she wakes up. Sometimes it's as long as thirty minutes! Then she starts saying "mamamamama". That's when she's ready to get up. Though she is doing everything a little later than the other girls, she is super smart and has the best sense of humor. She laughs about everything.

I'm doing pretty good. I am officially on the Relay for Life Committee. I am happy to be a part of something so wonderful. With only a little time under my belt, I have already met some incredible people. I am very excited about working fund raisers and getting out there to raise money for awareness, research, and especially the patients and their families. I just want to "pay it forward", ya know? God knows that people reached out to help us. The money raised from your benefits covered your medical bills and copays, your living expenses, medications and groceries and just allowed you to live comfortably through the duration of your illness. Your funeral was purchased with benefit money, as well. I want to make some cancer fighter like you, not have to worry about money. I want their mind on getting better. Fighting harder. Soaking up life. Making memories. Not pinching pennies. Because of the money raised in your honor was covering of all the "serious" things, the boys and I were financially able to help make some of your superficial dreams come true. Things you always wanted, but could never afford--like getting some nice things to hang on the walls in your house, redoing (kind of) your old bathroom, painting the hall and setting up a guest room. Your Volkswagen was a dream come true, too. I wish the boys and I could have handed you the world in those last days. I wish we could have given you everything you never had in life. And we tried. But, those material things were no longer important to you. You just wanted time with us. We definitely had some quality moments, but not enough...Not even close.

I've gotten a lot more involved at church. I am LOVING it. I am learning so much and forming so many authentic relationships....The best one is the bond I have formed with Jesus. Mama, I read the bible (most) everyday! Can you believe it? I enrolled in a little class on Sunday nights that has helped me make a habit of it. I would say that this class has been life changing. It has taught me how to read and how to apply what I read in the bible. I am absolutely in love with God. Hands down. Sometimes I cry in church because I am missing you so much and the sermon, the music, and just everything combined brings it out of me. Sometimes I cry because I am just moved so deeply by the word of God. I rarely leave without being moved and feeling inspired. It's a beautiful feeling. The girls have just made their selves at home--AND I LOVE IT. You know I wanted them to grow up in church...Well, they are! They love it as much as I do.

I still have bad days. I cry a lot. I dream of you often. But considering it's the only way I can see you, it's not often enough. I miss "us". Sometimes I go the long way home. I turn down your road and as I am approaching your driveway, if I am lucky (very, very, lucky) I get it. The feeling. It is harder and harder to get with the passing of each day. But sometimes as I am getting close to your house--I picture you there. I think I will whirl in your yard and you will be rocking on the front porch and talking on the phone. You'll say "Let me go, Nikki and the girls just got here" and you'll give me a hug and kiss, but then forget I exist because of the girls. I picture all this, and for a split second I feel normal. I feel the old me. I feel safe. I feel you. Then I reach your driveway, and as I pass by burning the porch with my intense stare--all I see are empty rockers. And just like those chairs, I too, feel empty driving away, with a fresh break in my heart. It hurts. But as long as I can get that feeling, (even for a fragment of time) , I will continue to do it. Much like a junkie that knows I shouldn't, but just can't help myself. I need my fix. I need my 'you' fix. It is beautiful torture.

Anyway Mom, I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you so much. SO, SO, SO MUCH. The pain hasn't improved. The hole is still gaping. But, I cope. We all do. It's what you wanted from us. You wanted us to be strong, and we are trying our absolute best. I hope you look down and feel pride. I know I look up and feel pride.

Until the day we meet again, I will love you from afar. When I want to see your green eyes, I will look in the mirror. When I want to hear your laugh, I will close my eyes and remember. I'll smile to myself as I imagine your hearty laugh and beautiful smile. When I want to feel your hug, I'll grab my girls and squeeze them tight. When I need to know everything's going to be alright, I'll open my bible. I will live and laugh and love.... and hold you securely in my heart every step of the way.

I love you with all of my heart.

Bushel and a peck,

Hug around the neck.

Love,

Nikki

Ain't No Sunshine

I've been thinking about her a lot. I'm really really missing her. So, I've been watching videos and looking at pictures. This is bittersweet. I've got a lot of videos that I will share with you soon. But, I am very emotional right now.

Here's one from the days between Mili's birth and her passing.

 

 

What you don't know, is Mama sang this song to all of my girls, ALL the time. It kills me to see her expression so tired, her color so pale, and her frame so fraile. It kills me. She fought her body as it was letting go of life, so that she could hold my hand during childbirth, meet Mili, and sing her this very special song. This was the last time she ever sang it. A lil over a week later, she passed away.

It wasn't just my girls that loved to hear it...I did too. I wish so badly I could hear her sing it right now as my heart is broken and longing for affection only a mother can give.

One thing's for sure..... Things got a lot less sunny when she left.

 

I'm Losing Myself

Tonight Brother Robby asked me what kind of bible I had, and without it sitting in front of me, I couldn't tell him. I have spent so much time in the scripture lately, but I haven't looked at the type of bible I'm studying. I felt very ignorant.

Who was I? Who am I? Who will I be?

I am in transition.

 I WAS a girl that didn't know there was a God. I thought so. But, I had never read or heard or felt anything to do with Him. I didn't believe in right and wrong outside of the legal system. I believed that to each his own. Who am I to judge, get involved or form an opinion? I didn't go to church. I thought churches were full of judgy folks. I had a good heart. I loved people and I loved reaching out to help, but, I never could quite find the time. My family came first with me. I loved them with all my heart. I definitely felt like something was missing, but I didn't want to put forth the effort to figure it out. I WAS lost.

I AM a girl that KNOWS that God exists. I love reading His word and talking about it with others. I believe that there is right...and there is wrong...Because He said so. I don't judge, but I have an opinion now. I go to Journey as often as they let me in the doors. The place is filled with compassionate and friendly folks. My heart is so full. I love to help people and even when I don't have time--I make time. God comes first. I love Him with all my heart and soul. He gave me my family. I am complete. I put forth as much effort as I can when it comes to strengthening my relationship with God. I AM saved.

I WILL BE a more mature Christian, one day. I will not let this slip away. I will spend time in the scripture and immerse myself in the richness of His word. I will surround myself with like-spirited people. I will reach out to those who need reaching. I will work to glorify Him everyday. My heart is His. My soul is His. My eternity is secure. I WILL BE with Him.

It is so hard to believe that I have changed so much in such a small amount of time. I remember being pulled toward Him but scared give in and to start a lifestyle that would take away all my fun or guilty pleasures. I also remember that angry girl that wondered why her mom had to get cancer. The girl that blamed God and questioned His plan. Now, after asking Jesus to forgive me and save me, those fears seem so ridiculous. The trade off is more than worth it. His word is truth, so we must believe it and trust it. I now know that cancer exists because of sin. God is the light. He is pure and Holy and separated from sin. Therefore, cancer is not His. God did not give my mom cancer. But, through her cancer, my mom found Jesus and was saved. The morning she passed she traveled to her new Home in Heaven. I know this. God also reached me through mama's diagnosis. He reached me and took hold, and I don't want Him to ever let go. I don't want to let go either. I cannot put into words how my heart feels. If you've never felt it, you can't imagine it. It's that good.... It saddens me that on my spiritual journey, I might be leaving behind some of the most important people in my life. I pray for them to join me everyday. But I am not stopping. I can't stop. I won't.

I have changed.

I'm losing myself

and I LOVE it.

Lose yourself with me...You won't EVER regret it.

I am ignorant to a lot of things. I have so much left to learn. There is so much I don't know. But DO I know that I am saved. I know I will see my mom again. I know I will be with God for eternity. And I know the certainty of that feels amazing.....

 Oh yeah, and as of tonight, I also know that I have a NLT Study Bible and a King James Version.

Un (?) Answered Prayers

I ran into someone tonight....It just kind of got me thinking.

When I was 15 years old, I got my very first boyfriend. It was one of those immature little relationships that doesn't exist outside the halls of Junior High or over the phone. Mama was....NOT.....A....fan....(to say the least). But me? I was smitten.  I prayed that I would end up with this magical, fairy tale love, like most girls do. I dreamed of a big clean house, NO kids, an awesome career, and traveling the world. As these kind of things usually do, it fizzled out pretty quickly. But not because I didn't pray for it to last. Afterwards, I had a date here or there, but my next real boyfriend came along 4 years later. His name was Michael. He wore overalls and had a Burt Reynold's style mustache. He was totally not my type. Everyone said so. We were so very, very different. He took me to Wal Mart on our first date. Then McDonalds. I loved every single minute of it. Mama was a HUGE fan of him...He was a HUGE fan of her....Without my realizing it was happening, I fell in love. Not the puppy kind of love. The real-deal kind... We got married, fell deeper in love, became best friends, fell deeper in love, created our family that is so incredibly perfect, and fell deeper in love. He held me the day my mom was diagnosed. He wiped my tears when I was scared through her fight. He bent over backwards to help redo some of the things in her house, in an attempt to complete her bucket list. He helped her walk to her bed one of the last times she ever walked. He handed her the last drink she ever had. He cried the day she died, because he loved her so. He never left my side. He pried me out of the bathroom, when I locked myself in to breakdown. He pulled me out of bed, when I felt I couldn't get up. Through it all, we grew closer and stronger and fell deeper in love. He can make me smile, when I am sad as can be. He can make me laugh, when I am too angry for words. He is my heart. He is my world. He is my gift from God. My very own unanswered prayer. Every single day that God blesses me with his presence, I fall even deeper in love. He is SO my type.

I am so glad that God subtly reminds me that He knows best. Because He absolutely does.


I live in a mobile home.
I have 3 wild and beautiful kids.
I am horrible with laundry.
I am an unpaid domestic/maternal engineer.
I travel to Hattiesburg every Tuesday for gymnastics.

Who says I didn't get my fairy tale?

The Moments

Our lives seem to move faster and faster every day. I remember when I was a kid, it seemed I walked outside after breakfast, and a week later I came in for supper. We celebrated Thanksgiving, then a year later we celebrated Christmas. Time just moved so much slower. Moments were filled, not skipped. The little things were cherished, not ignored. So, I decided to dedicate a blog post, not to "the day", but to some of "the moments" that fill the day.

 

•  The moment I tickle Neva so hard that she loses her breath
• The moment a wounded local hero, Tony Stiles (that doctors were once unsure of his ability to survive), steps out of a truck, to a mob of people standing in the street--cheering, clapping and praising God for the miracle they are witnessing.
• The moment mine and Michael's eyes meet and though the kids are going crazy, my heart stands still.
• The moment I walk in Mili's room, and she sees me. I see her. And we both smile.
• The moment late at night, when I am alone and fighting off sadness, and suddenly Jamina texts me.
• The moment Nori insists on wearing something crazy, like two different shoes, or a bicycle helmet and I agree.
• The moment I realize the reason the water isn't boiling is because I didn't turn the burner on an hour ago.
• The moment  Brother Robby stands in front of our church and speaking God's Word, he brings grown men and women to tears.
• The moment Nori grabs my face and gives me the sweetest, softest little kiss
• The moment I realize the ENTIRE bag of Cheetos is in my floorboard

• The moment after a argument, when Michael hugs me tight and the reasons I was mad just melt away.

• The moment I realize, once again, how smart my babies are

 

• The moment I realize that there is no room for groceries in the buggy, because it's full of kids.
• The moment I question if cleaning is really worth it, ( I mean, it never lasts).
• The moment I feel disgusting, and Michael looks at me like I am beautiful.
• The moment I open my bible and pray that God reveals something to me that I've been missing.
• The moment He does.
• The moment I glance in the mirror and vow to never eat again.
• The moment moment I realize I've broken my starvation vow and I'm eating an entire box of donuts that the chef, himself, brought to my house.
• The moment I realize that I have to clean this up:

 

• The moment I FINALLY find a short line, but it's a "20 items or less" checkout, and I have 200 items or more.
• The moment my mother in law walks outside, because us "trespassers" have taken over her driveway (that's PERFECT for bike riding).
• The moment Amber calls and asks if she can get the girls to give me a break.
• The moment I hear Michael's truck pull up and I get a little giddy.
• The moment I sit down to a Shipley's cheeseburger and a pile of onion rings.
• The moment my kids clean their plate and ask for seconds.
• The moment I notice all the rich colors of the leaves as they threaten to let go of the tree and drift down to the ground.
• The moment a rainy day and a mud puddle become the coolest water park that money can't buy

 

• The moment I think of my mom and a butterfly lands beside me, temporarily relieving me of my sadness.
• The moment the bag rips and my groceries cover the ground.
• The moment I look up at God's bright blue artwork, and wonder if Mama's looking back down at me.
• The moment Michael asks me out on a date (NO kids allowed), and I ask if he's paying.
• The moment I realize that I'm her favorite

 

• The moment I walk in Journey and I feel like I'm with family.
• The moment Neva talks about my mom and I'm equally saddened and happy that she still remembers her.
• The moment I walk out of the house and realize I need a jacket.
• The moment I see a mother and daughter together in wal-mart, and my heart aches.
• The moment Michael starts a pillow fight with the girls.
• The moment I see Josh with Noah up on his shoulders shaking the hand of a ball player at his VERY first major league baseball game.
• The moment Nori randomly hugs and kisses "her Mili".
• The moment Neva and Michael take over the tv to watch The Avengers, AGAIN.
• The moment I ask God to show me how to better serve Him.
• The moment I realize I went overboard with the Halloween decorations, again

 

• The moment I realize I over salted the pork chops.
• The moment I fear the holidays are approaching, and my mom isn't here with us.
• The moment I look and there is diaper cream finger painted all along the hall.
• The moment I take a bite of Ronnie's wild rice casserole, and my eyes close in delight, because it tastes JUST like mama's.
• The moment I tell myself I am NEVER taking the kids to the mall again.
• The moment I wrap Neva and Nori in a tight, warm hug and find it hard to let go.
• The moment I realize that if I don't already, one day, I am going to have my hands VERY full

 

• The moment I realize that she is as "photogenic" as my mom was

 

• The moment I realize someone flushed a pair of panties and the toilet is overflowing.
• The moment I walk outside and smell the delicious scent of fall.
• The moment I try on a old pair of jeans and they fit!
• The moment I try the really old jeans and they don't make it past my thighs.
• The moment Neva sasses me, and I mentally thank my mom for wishing it on me.
• The moment I find Milii so cute, I want to eat her. Literally.
• The moment I realize how much I adore my family

• The moment I realize how lucky my kids are

• The moment I stop wishing she could see and I remember that my mom does see.
• The moment I thank God for my time with her.
• The moment I realize my kids are growing too fast.
• The moment I HAVE to laugh, because the fit that Nori's throwing is so ridiculous.
• The moment I get out of bible study and read this:

 

 

 

• The moment I walk down the hall and the girls are sleeping sound, and I pray that I will be the best mother for them that I can possibly be.
• The moment I cuddle up to my exhausted and snoring husband, I breathe him in, feel his warmth and thank God for allowing me to meet my hardworking, family centered, soulmate.
• The moment in the wee hours when I finally doze off and sweet little feet immediately come running.
• The moment at the end of the day, when I've cleaned, yet the house is dirty. I have reprimanded, yet the kids still misbehave. I have cooked, but the food was bland. I have tried, but can't see where I have succeeded......Then God shows me.....and I blog about it.

Yeah, the days are moving fast. They are filled with tons of errands and running around and big "important" things to take care of. But the moments....Oh, the moments. The little moments filled with the tiny details-- THEY are what make life great.

 So here's to the moments.....May we treasure each one.

Mix Tape

Funny how music can help, hurt, heal or hurl you into a new day....Here are a few of my favorites..

This is bittersweet..I cry EVERY time

Gotta love Stevie

Because everyone has a rainy day here and there

Just one more day would never be enough 

Because she stood by me and was my everything

She loved Idol. We both freaked out about this performance....

She loved this

and this

and this too

I can hear her sing this....classic

When I stare at her picture

cause the dance WAS worth the pain

on the bad days

because she was and IS my angel

Hope you liked my "sad day" mix tape.....

One of The Bad Ones

I remember early on, when my mom first got sick, everyone told us "there will be good days and bad days". In those initial days, (which were filled with my mom gasping for air, scared, mad, confused and lost), I couldn't see how there could ever be another good day for the rest of my life. But, the cancer quickly responded to the chemo, and I got my mom back. Actually, a new and better version of my mom. She had a new lease on life. It was wonderful. But, still, there were days that were not so good. The days she wouldn't eat--those were bad days. The days her body ached so badly that she couldn't get out of bed--those were bad days. The first scan that the cancer stopped shrinking--that was a bad day. The first day of radiation--that was a bad day. The first ER trip--that was a bad day. The day her hair got noticeably thinner--that was a bad day. The day the cancer started growing--that was a bad day. The day we realized the cancer didn't respond at all to the second type of chemo--that was a bad day. The day they told us that after 3 chemo attempts, the odds were not on our side--that was a bad day. The day she said "no more"--that was a bad day. Well, you get the point....There were lots of bad days. I guess, when I heard that line, I thought it referred to the health of the patient only. I didn't know that caregivers, too, have good and bad days. But, right along side her, I ached (my heart), I cried, I was scared....and I fought with all my heart and soul. I lost her anyway.

Today, my new position on the Relay for Life Committee, carried me to a familiar place: Jefferson Medical, my mom's old cancer clinic. The last time I walked in those doors, was when my mom declared she was done with chemo. It is a day that will be forever burned into my memory. When I pulled in the parking lot, an array of emotions washed over me. I saw us walking in laughing. I saw us holding hands and making plans for after her appointment. I saw the HUGE smile on her face as she walked out from having the poison pumped into her body, and discovered me and the girls waiting on her. I saw "us". And...It...Killed...Me...

Not so long ago (a good day)

 

Today--(a bad day)

The clinic has changed a bit inside. But, I noticed the same friendly faces behind the desk. I looked past the desk and I saw me and mom sitting in the chairs waiting to be called back. We were talking about the girls. My heart pounded in my throat as I stood there unintentionally reminiscing, so I quickly headed back out. Chills ran up and down my body as I walked that sidewalk that she and I traveled so many times. Before I made it to my car, my heart was racing and my eyes were watering. I tried to keep my composure for my girls. But, before I realized it, I was headed to the cemetery. My car was making it's own decisions, it seemed. I was silent, completely lost in thought. What thought, I am not exactly sure. My brain was just consumed with her. My heart was overwhelmed with an excruciating ache. When I arrived, I left the girls in the car, because if the tears forcing their way out of my eyes on the way there was any indicator, it wasn't going to be good for them to see. It wasn't. As I approached the stone that marked my mother's grave, and my eyes fell upon her name that was carved so skillfully within it, I hit my knees. I cried so hard, that I think I alarmed some folks that were walking by. I didn't care. I couldn't stop. I was thinking about her smile. Her voice. Her hug. Suddenly, that claustrophobic feeling was becoming too much to bear. I walked swiftly to my car. Once again, on a mission without realizing it. My next stop, perhaps to further torture myself, was her house. I mean, Ronnie's house. I walked in and cut the corner,  and headed down the hall. My body was listening to some part of me that was not my mind. My mind was lost somewhere in the sadness of the past. I sniffled all the way into her bedroom. I stood there in the dark. I cried so hard, I lost my breath. I kept saying "I want you back! I want you back!". I guess there was part of me that thought she might say something. She might give me something... anything... I walked in her closet and sat down on the floor. I begged her to come back. I pleaded. But, there was nothing. No response. No sign. No mama. My heart was shattered. Then I saw her suitcase. I angrily jerked it up and tore through it looking at receipts and ticket stubs and nothingness....I was shaking and frantic. I was searching for something...I still don't know what. I just know I didn't find it. Finally, I realized how crazy I was being. In 5 minutes flat, I had a complete and utter breakdown in my mom's old bedroom. I sat there quietly for another couple seconds to let my heart simmer down, my hands calm down, and my tears to slow down. Then, I stood up, dried my face, and as quickly as I came in, I headed back out. I walked to my car and climbed in. I heard my girls giggling and talking silly to one another. I pushed the sad thoughts out of my mind, and forced the pain out of my heart, for them...Until now. Now as I rehash it, my tears stream my face without my permission. My heart hurts, so very, very badly. I miss my mom with an urgency that I just cannot describe. In a world filled with good and bad days....This was definitely one of the bad ones.