Mommy Mojo



It's been a while since my last post. For those of you that read and worry about my mom, I am sorry for my negligence. When I last updated you, my mom was waiting to "get better enough" to finish up her radiation. Well, her blood pressure FINALLY rose up to a decent enough point, and she stayed hydrated long enough that they felt safe doing her last few radiation sessions. She is now done with that. (THANK GOD!) The radiation (from the outside looking in) has been WAY worse than the chemo ever thought about. Her skin on her head, her chest and back is completely burnt up. Not to mention her throat. It is horribly burnt. I have watched my mom lose lots of weight and all of her hair. But worst of all, she lost her smile. She felt so horrible. It has been excruciating to watch her struggle to stay awake. Struggle to eat and drink. Struggle to move about her house. Just struggle period. I speak about it in past tense as if it's better....It's a little better, but still really bad. If you see her, you will understand. Her appearance has changed tremendously. However, the improvement, has been in her spirit. That beautiful smile has found it's way out, beating the fatigue and overall weakness that threatened to keep it locked away forever. I am so proud to "have her back". I have spent a great deal of time crying and I have been more emotional the last couple weeks, than I have this entire time. It is weird, I am so happy about every aspect of my life right now....But at the end of the day, I sometimes feel I am watching my mom waste away and it casts a negative shadow over everything. I'm trying.  Last week, my husband came home to a mad, bitter version of his wife. Mom had been going further and further down on the health scale. I was scared for her. I was mad at her. I felt myself reaching a breaking point. I was at home, but felt guilty that I wasn't with her. But when I was with her, I couldn't make her eat. I couldn't make her wake up. I couldn't do anything. I had the girls with me as I always do, but I kept them entertained with the TV and other distractions so that I could wallow in my fears. Realizing that I was struggling pretty badly with the current situation, Michael encouraged me to get out of the house. "You can't just sit here like this...It's gonna make things worse. You need to get out". "I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anybody", I said with a trembling lip, purposefully not looking him in the eye. "But you need to--........."  I cut him off with a shout: " I DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT.....I WANT...... I WANT MY MAMA BACK!!!!!" I busted into a hysterical cry that, looking back, I know it alarmed my children. I was sobbing aloud. The girls quietly walked over and watched their daddy as he consoled Mommy like he has done for them SO many times in the past. Michael held me close and allowed me to have my much needed break-down. The girls climbed up on the couch and hugged me tight as well. They didn't ask anything. They just hugged me tight. You see, I couldn't post in that condition. I refused to write with such negativity floating about in my mind and heart. I do not want you to feel what I am feeling. I don't want my worst enemy to feel what I am feeling. He DID drag me out of the house that day. And you know what?, He was right....The situation did not go away. But the distraction allowed me to focus on some positive things in my life. And some QT with my favorite people in the world was exactly what I needed.......

On another note, my sister in law has had a recent health scare. She found a lump in her breast. She has kind of been my shoulder through this whole thing with mama, so when she confided in me about the knot she had found, I just said " no..... no...... NO!" and shook my head. I refused to believe that we were about to face, yet another, scary situation in our family. She burst into tears. I knew it took alot of courage for her to mention it to me. I know Amber, for her to even tell me, meant that she was scared to death. I also knew, that she needed some comfort and definitely NOT the reaction that I gave her. So, I immediately embraced her and we cried on each other's shoulders. We made a plan to see a dr. to put our fears to rest. That appointment was today. Sadly, they just want to "watch it" for a couple of weeks before doing any actual tests. So there was no relief in this appointment. This waiting scares me so much. I keep thinking of what my mom's cancer can do in two weeks. Amber is petrified. I keep reassuring her, although it is so hard to stay optimistic in our current situation. I feel in my heart that she is fine and WILL BE fine, but I do not blame her one bit for being so scared. I am scared too. She is the best person. A GREAT mom, a doting wife, a dedicated daughter in law, the BEST baby sitter, a devoted student and a person strong in her faith. Not to mention, a GREAT friend and shoulder to cry on. I cannot put my feelings about this situation into words. I am hopeful and optimistic, but also jaded to the point that I can't help but fear the possibilities. Please pray for Amber, her health, and her family.
 

Mom's LAST day of radiation....This is a special group of women at Oncologics. They made a scary and difficult time in our lives, a little bit sweeter!

I take pride in my ability to report that (sometimes to mom's dismay), I have remained by her side through this whole thing. But more specifically, the last couple of weeks with her doing so badly, I have completely dedicated my all to her. Once again, I haven't really let you in on everything lately. I think you would thank me for protecting you from just how bad it's been and my feelings and opinions about the situation. I watched my mom really take a turn for the worst. It has been the scariest and saddest time of my entire life. I have battled so many emotions, that I couldn't form a clear thought in my mind. My heart could not decide exactly what to feel. And worst of all, I have not been leaning on my faith. With mom so sick, I missed approximately 4 weeks of church. While a mature Christian could probably lean on their faith and knowledge of the Lord without ever attending church again----I am too early in my faith and ignorant on the subject of religion to not attend on a regular basis. I found myself losing hope and feeling alone, as I did in those first few dark days of my mom's sickness. While it is intimidating to walk into a packed church alone, I now know that I must. I have a sick mom and a husband that MUST work on Sundays. I cannot wait for someone to hold my hand. And, oh how I need to hear His word. I need to learn more. I have been back in church for two weeks now, and I can already tell a difference in the heaviness of my breaking heart. It truly is amazing what a wonderful church, a caring and attentive preacher, amazing people and the word of God can do for a person. Truly amazing. If you haven't been, please go to Journey Church over by East Jones Elementary. It has changed my life.

Though I am confident in the efforts I put forth for my mama  (and I wouldn't change it for the world), it leaves me guilt-stricken for my two beautiful little babies. I feel like they sometimes take a back burner to "the situation". I know that I am not what I used to be. I HATE that life has changed so much for them. I have spent the last few months feeling overwhelming guilt, yet unable to figure out how to fix it. I rarely leave my children. But sometimes dragging them along to all these dreary appointments seems worse than leaving them somewhere everyday. I never really know if I am doing the right thing. I worry about them non-stop. They are not neglected. They are not abused. But I am not what I wanted to be as a Mommy. I had higher hopes for them and higher expectations for myself. Well last week, with radiation ending and mom doing a little bit better,  I decided that I am reclaiming the ability to balance my life. I am rejuvenating my "Mommy Mojo".



We went to the park a couple of times in between appointments..............





Of course, Gammy HAD to come!

 

We finger painted pumpkins.................

 

of course, Gammy HAD to come!

 

We spent some much needed time at home...

Of course, Gammy HAD to come!

See where I'm going with this "balancing" thing? 



We made a "tent" and the girls (half naked, of course) brought every toy that they owned down the hall and put inside their cool new play zone.

We worked together to make a homemade blueberry cobbler. Then we worked together to devour it!

We called in for "reinforcement" from our cousins and besties Noah and Brady, and learned that red and yellow makes orange, as we made the best Halloween cupcakes ever!

Gammy and Nori decided to sit out on the baking process.

But they decided to help with the decorating of the cupcakes. (Conveniently stationed outside!)

Don't they look professional? Teresa's watch out!

                                        EVERYONE ENJOYED TASTING THE CUPCAKES!        

We had a SUPER FUN gathering/cookout with our other cousins and besties, Rylee and Rhett. Of course, Aunt Jamina, Nay Nay and Paw Paw were there too. 

           Daddy cooks a mean steak! Pawpaw managed to elude the camera somehow.                       

We have done TONS of learning and art activities! We have gone on a leaf scavenger hunt, then made "colors of fall" leaf collages, we have made q-tip skeletons, we colored paper plates and glued various sized triangles to make Jack-o-lanterns, and we made ghostly drawings....All of which to display around our house with various other fall/Halloween decor!

NOTE: Hideous wall-paper is not part of the spooky art display. It is just one of the many joys that our trailer offers.......

So there it is. The last couple of weeks summed up: Mom is not great, but she is a little better. We are anxiously awaiting the next two weeks to go by so that we can find out that my SIL is as healthy as ever. I am trying to learn (without a doubt) that I am not alone. I am trying to strengthen my faith and build my spiritual knowledge. I am very sad, and very scared,yet optimistic that I can handle what life throws at me. I have regained my Mommy Mojo and intend to keep it that way. My girls are getting the "me" that I wanted them to have. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to be "on" for them, when I am so "off" inside. But laying my head down on a guilt-free pillow sure makes it worth while. 

The first day of chemo starts tomorrow. Since she stopped responding to the last one, they are trying a new type. Please pray for positive results. If you see my mom, tell her how beautiful she looks with no hair. She won't believe me. 

                

I will TRY to be more dedicated to my writing.