Dreams DON'T Come True

I awake with a jolt. I am covered in chills. My heart is racing. My face in drenched in tears. My stomach is in knots. Then I realize: It was just a dream. She is still here. She is okay.......

My Aunt Sharon brought something to my attention recently, and I have found it very hard to stop thinking about it. She said "Nikki, I remember you telling me about your dreams. You would dream something horrible about your mama, then wake up and call her. She would say "Nikki, I'm fine", then you'd go back to bed. Do you think that was some kind of warning?". Alright, before It starts to sound all heeby-jeeby, you need to understand just how intense these dreams were.

As far back as I can remember, I felt I was mama's caretaker. If she cried, I would try to make her stop. If she was sick, I would wait on her hand and foot. Once she was running a fever. I was young, maybe 6 or 7. She was asleep and I kept feeling her hot forehead. I was so scared! So I went and got a cup of cold water and poured it on her face to "cool her off" (not one of my best get-well-soon ideas).  I remember being as young as 1st grade in class and worrying about my mama home alone. I remember in 2nd grade, my dad was out of town. I became ill at school and my teacher phoned home. Mom was running errands and this was pre-everyone-has-a-cellphone-era. When they told me she didn't answer, I started crying and told them she was probably hurt. Around 4th grade, I was up watching the movie "Beaches" and at the end when the little girl's mom dies I became hysterical. I kept saying "I don't want mama to die!" Ronnie was the only one awake and he assured me that mama was fine. It was just a movie. When I was around 11 or 12 I snuck off and called a clinic because my mom had a knot close to her breast. I didn't know much, but I had heard of breast cancer. Looking back, that receptionist probably felt sorry for the kid on the other end asking "how do I know if my mama has cancer?" I don't really know when or why I became so obsessed with my mom's well-being, but through most of my life the thoughts and fears have been absolutely consuming. Mama is more than aware of my "issue" and has always reassured me and discouraged me from wasting my time worrying. Countless conversations have revolved around her urging me to calm down and live life.

But at some point I started having dreams as well. Nightmares really. They averaged once a week or every two weeks. The dreams were different, but the outcome was the same. I lost her. I needed her and she was gone. MOST of the time, the dream begins when I find out she is gone or at the funeral. Very seldom do I know the cause of death. Some would say that the loss of my grandparents would cause me to obsess over death. Others would say that mama and daddy's divorce brought about abandonment issues. I don't know. All I DO know, is at some point early in life, I became petrified of losing my mom. Every time the weather got bad. Every time she was a couple minutes late coming home. Every time I heard an ambulance. When I knew she'd be home alone. When she got a cold. When she chain smoked. After we had an argument. The thoughts would hit me and I COULD NOT rest until I knew she was okay. The dreams were so vivid. When I would awake I would have to SEE her face to believe it wasn't true. As I have told you before, my mom slept on the couch for years after daddy left. I can't tell you the times that I woke up on the floor beside her. When I got older and she was working at David's, I would wake up and drive to the store at 3:30 AM and hang out with her until she opened. She knew when I pulled up that it was another bad-dream night. She was always reassuring. It took HER to make me feel better. After I got married and I could no longer walk down the hall to ease my mind, I would HAVE to call. It was usually early AM calls. She was always very understanding. "Nikki, I am fine baby! I'm not going anywhere, I promise. Now go back to bed". The dreams continued my entire life. But when Sharon reminded me of my "lil problem", I got to thinking.....I haven't had 'the dream', since April. That just so happens to be the month that mama got diagnosed. I've had thoughts and played my fears out in my mind. But the dream has disappeared. My reoccurring nightmare, stopped occurring.

So what does it all mean????? Perhaps it's a coincidence that I am wacko and my mom developed a terminal illness. Then again, maybe it was my heart or my mind, or God's way of giving me strength to handle this. I don't allow myself to believe for a second that this cancer will defeat my mom. I CAN'T think like that. No matter what the experts or statistics say. My mind always finds itself shuffling through the many possibilities that life holds for us. Good and bad. When I have a bad thought, I have HER to make me feel better. Just like all the years before. She's the only one that can make me feel better. SHE is STILL here. We are not promised tomorrow, but I have her today.  I like to think that I am realistically optimistic. However, in this case, I choose to believe that dreams DON'T come true.