Goodbye Time

 Today around noon my tear ducts went on strike. They have been overworked lately. I have been a crybaby, to say the least. My mom is just everything to me. I think most can relate. When she tells you how things SHOULD be done. When she critiques your parenting. Even when she is difficult. She is your mom. The ONLY one you will ever have. Mine just so happens to be the best. So this news is absolutely devastating. In April it was devastating and today it is equally or more devastating. I know that everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I really don't want to hear how grateful I should be for this "goodbye time". I am not saying that something sudden and unexpected would be easier, luckily I don't know. But I can tell you this, waking up every morning knowing that my mama, my best friend, the grandmother of my children, has an expiration date on her life that is now less than a year, is brutal. Every day I feel an array of emotions that are almost debilitating. I can't go one day without seeing her. I never went more than a day or so before she got sick, NOW I can't miss a day. Sometimes I go see her more than once. I have thanked God almost daily for this time we have been given. But I don't consider myself lucky in that aspect. I don't know who would. I am struggling.

 My mom is a hard worker and a great person. I used to ask, no, flat out BEG mama to take time off of work. She just couldn't find the extra money to forfeit hours. I will admit, I had a husband helping me pay the bills. It was easier for me to think about days off and vacations. She was supporting herself. No help. But I just  wanted us to have more time as a family. We have always been close. I mean freakishly close. Like me and mama would talk 4,5, sometimes more times on the phone A DAY, in addition to seeing one another. Usually these visits or conversations were rushed because she was at work. Me, Ronnie and Josh talked several times a week, if not everyday. When Michael went to the deer camp I went and stayed with mama and after she went to bed me and my brothers played "Scene it" or watched movies together. I remember us doing a pilates video together one night (THAT was hilarious). THEN came life. Marriages and children and careers. I felt us siblings slipping away from one another. I pleaded with mama to take time off for a weekly supper to bring us all together. But there was no common free day. We couldn't work it out. Then, mama got sick. She now lives on a fraction of the money she "needed". Now our gatherings are frequent and the phone calls have picked up, because as it turns out, we DO have common days. But why did it take this? Why such tragedy to bring us all back together? Mama said to me Sunday " I wish I had taken more time off from work over the years". She shouldn't feel regret. We all do it. We work and work and work toward this magical day where we are financially "set up". We spend our time running and cleaning and cooking and forgetting to laugh at the little stuff. Forgetting to smell the fresh cut grass or soak up the sky at sundown when it has a variety of colors to show off. We rush, rush, rush and for what? What are we missing? What are we forgetting? What waits for us when we finish this "race"? I am done racing.

In his song "Live Like You Were Dying", Tim McGraw talks about a guy who goes Rocky Mountain climbing, Sky diving, and bull riding. Well my mama has been living life to the fullest (well, as much as her tired little body will allow).  She has been doing "her version" of those things. Soaking up family time. Taking a much needed beach trip. Trying new foods. Talking to people she may have otherwise passed up. She tells people she loves them, constantly. And she does! She really loves them. She is just now able to verbalize it. She can let grudges go and you will very seldom find her wasting time being angry. We are actually going to a play this week! Mom has never been to a play before. This once home-body is enthusiastic about lots of new experiences. We intend to go to the mountains around Thanksgiving. I am so proud of her.  This new lease on life is wonderful and welcomed. I just hate it is under these circumstances.

So what will it take for all of us to take a cue from mom and live everyday as if it were our last? We are all so confident that tomorrow is coming, when in fact-it may not. When I look back at my life, I am proud of my accomplishments, but I KNOW, I am not taking advantage of my time here. I am ready to start. Beginning with my mama. I want to imprint her big smile on my brain. I want to hear her mispronounce words. I want to record the sound of her laugh in my heart. I want to tattoo her hugs onto my skin. I want to soak up every moment. Perhaps we should all be looking at life as if we have been given an expiration date. After all, we DO have an expiration date, don't we?