The "Break" Before the Break

Something amazingly wonderful happened yesterday. But before I tell you what, let me catch you up.

Tomorrow was supposed to begin mom's 6th and final chemo cycle before the dreaded "break". See, the chemo is SO strong, they prefer to do no more than 6 cycles before allowing her body to rest. Mom is definitely feeling the wrath of the medicine. She has about 6 good hours per day. The rest of her time is spent sleeping. She is relatively pain free and we have not had any issues with her appetite lately. In fact, she has gained 4 lbs! But the fatigue is truly overwhelming. I can see it as it is happening to her. Her genuine smile becomes forced. Her dark circles become darker. Her glow vanishes and is replaced with a dull pasty color. It is heart wrenching to witness. One night we were visiting her and she became unable to hold her little body up anymore. She just laid down on the carpet. I knew it was time for us to leave. She was trying so hard to make it look casual. She was talking and joking around with the kids, but I knew she NEEDED to lay down. She needed to sleep. We kids, have learned to pick up on her cues, because she WILL NOT tell us to leave. She will fight her body tooth and nail to hang in there with us. The medicine is certainly to blame. With everything negative the chemo has done to her, it has still given us hope by shrinking her cancer and making her breathing easier and overall well-being better. So, the thought of stopping the chemo, scares me beyond words. During the break we are letting her body recover. BUT, we are also giving the cancer a head start at growing again. There is an ongoing battle in my mind and in my heart about which is the lesser of two evils: the cancer or the chemo. They are both threatening to take away the one I hold so dear. Today at her appointment, my mom pointed out numerous bruises on her body and stated "the last time I looked like this, I needed platelets". Sure enough, when the results came back, her platelets were low. Too low to do this last chemo cycle to be exact. BUT not low enough to get a transfusion. So what do we do? Nothing. She goes for a second blood test in the morning and then we will form a game plan. But more than likely, her final chemo cycle will be postponed for another week. Also, she needs not one, but TWO pints of blood. This could have been aiding her extreme fatigue. So basically, we found out that the chemo is probably canceled, her platelets are low, her blood is EXTREMELY low, she will get another CT scan and MRI at the end of this month, and we are meeting with the radiation Dr. the week after that. There's alot going on. As we were leaving today, mama opened up to me about her thoughts and fears regarding her brain tumors and whole brain radiation. She said "I was crying the other day thinking 'what if the tumors get so big I lose my memory? or my sight? Or the ability to recognize my grand kids?'" She said she cried hysterically at the thought of not being able to lay her eyes on her beautiful little babies. "But", she added " I prayed about it, and God listened. The tumors are shrinking against the odds. God did that for me." I just listened. I didn't quite know how to respond. It is a scary thought. It is one that keeps me up at night.

 After her appt, we had lunch and headed back to mom's house. I put the girls down for nap, while she drove to Advanced Auto Parts to have them look at her battery (which she thought had been giving her trouble). A new battery and $140.00 later, mom went to leave and her car wouldn't go into gear. We were speaking back and forth on the phone and I could tell she was upset. The AAP employee somehow got it into gear, finally, and mom took off. She said she was drenched in sweat, aggravated and about to cry when she realized none of her gages were working. Pretty much everything on her dash was not functioning. She came on home where I was waiting. Her hair was ringing wet. Her face was flushed. She looked absolutely exhausted. She grabbed a cold drink, a rag to wipe her sweat and sat down. Through her anger and sadness, she mustered up some smiles for the kids. Once again reading her cues, I knew it was time for us to leave. Just before we were about to leave, Br. Robby drove up.

Tomorrow is a big day. First, the blood test to get a second look at those platelets. Then, to mama's dismay, we are going to the food stamp office. I had to do some serious talking, but I finally talked her into asking for help. She has always found defeat in asking for help. I assured her that if ANY one is deserving, it is her. And there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. She has worked most of her life and deserves some financial assistance with her groceries, IF she can get it. After we go there, we have to go get mom "typed and crossed" at the hospital. I have no idea what this means, but we have to do it EVERY time she gets blood. I think they just check her blood type and schedule the transfusion. The transfusion should be on Wednesday and with any luck, will give her a little energy.

So, I am definitely one for talking in circles, am I not? Back to the miraculous thing that happened yesterday. Yesterday during Br. Robby's sermon, my mom could not stop crying. I patted her back and held her hand. But nothing was soothing her. My heart ached for her. Of course, I didn't find out until later, that she did not need my sympathy after all. Yesterday around 10:15 am, my mama opened her heart and let her Saviour in. Her heart was broken and mended in one sitting. Today after we left her house, Br. Robby prayed with her and scheduled her baptism. She is elated. I am elated. So why tell about today and tomorrow before yesterday? Why the runaround again? Because I wanted to prove a point. My mom's life.....OUR FAMILY'S life has been filled with turmoil, mystery, confusion and absolutely no certainty, until yesterday. Yesterday my mama sealed her fate. She has a changed heart. I find great comfort in knowing this. As we head into this unknown territory when the chemo stops and the radiation begins, we finally have some certainty. That certainty is that what happened today, what is happening tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, she will not encounter alone, physically OR spiritually. What more can a person ask for? Thank you Journey Church for all that you've done. Thank you Br. Robby for sharing your gift. Thank you God for the "break" before the break.