Hand-Me-Down Heart

I remember mom wearing MY hand-me-downs for so many years. When my shirts were faded or stretched out. When my jeans were too tight OR too big. When my shoes were stained or worn out. That was when mom got "new" clothes. So yesterday, when she bought herself some shoes, I was so proud. It's about time.
It got me thinking, why hasn't she had more "me time" in her life?

You know, the first 12 years of my life were pretty typical. A stay at home mom, a dad that came home every night, two brothers--one that I fought with constantly and one that I look at as my own child. Mom had a snack on the table when we came home from school and supper cooking on the stove. The house was warm and cared for. She is a great cook. Everything is seasoned with bacon and onions and plenty of salt and pepper (I didn't get this physique from salads and baked fish). She was at every sporting event of ours and had an endless supply of love and support for us kids. She had a light in her that is indescribable.  Daddy worked alot. He had his own garage door/construction company that was very successful. We kids, wore the best name brands, played as many sports and involved ourselves in as many after school activities as we wanted. We were never lacking anything. Mama devoted her life to us, daddy and the house. Anyway, it was a great life. Mama and Daddy fought alot. It was scary for us kids. There was an even amount of fear and dread when a fight cued up. We never really knew to what level it might escalate. When the divorce was announced, I don't remember the stereotypical sad response that children typically have. I didn't blame myself like some kids do. I remember feeling relieved. Of course, at 12, I had no idea how life was about to change.

My mom had to go to work with nothing behind her but a GED. That kind of education don't open the doors for "cushy" jobs. So, after the divorce she proceeded to try a series of dead end jobs, trying to find the one that best met our needs. Roses, Super 10 Dollar Store, Wayne Farms, Tuckers Crossing Gro., and Scott and Pop's to name a few. Some of them over lapped, as she tried to balance two jobs at once.The divorce brought about a sense of poverty that we had never experienced. We went several miserably hot summers with no air conditioning and one winter with no heat. But a lack of luxuries wasn't the hardest part. The hardest part was definitely losing our mom to the work force. It was inevitable. She HAD to provide for us. We became latchkey kids. Things were not the same between us and our dad either. We went from seeing him daily to maybe monthly, then every cpl of months, then just on holidays or when something bad happened. It was tough. Especially for the boys. I would imagine it is not easy for boys to grow up without a male role model in the house. Soon after the divorce, my mom's mom lost her battle to cancer. She was extremely close to her mother. Shortly after that, she lost her best friend in the whole world to a horrible car accident.This was devastating to her. Mom felt like she had no one. All of this loss was in a VERY small window of time. She was working as hard as she could, but sometimes still couldn't make ends meet.I remember starting junior high and trying to stay in the sports I always loved. The thing is, cheering is expensive. And playing softball isn't fun when there is no one in the stands to watch you and cheer you on anymore because your mom is working nights at a beer store to put food on the table. I remember not wearing the nicest clothes and the most modern styles. I never complained to mama. I knew she was doing her best. We were never short on love. She was always there for us with a hug and a kiss and a "I love you, baby". Somewhere in the midst of losing everything she held dear, she kind of lost herself. WE lost her for a while too. She lost that "light" that just absolutely defines my mom. It was very difficult. I began to lose interest in anything and to rebel a bit. It was completely out of character for a straight A student. My brothers were like rocks. They let the hardships roll off their back. I remember envying Ronnie's ability to block out the bad and stay true to his self. I remember being jealous of Josh's apparent oblivion to what was happening in our lives. My mom was depressed and overwhelmed. I helped wake my brothers and get them off to school, because Mom's AM job required her to be there around 4am. I tried to help as much as I could by cleaning house, cutting the grass or throwing supper together. I remember mama crying with her feet. They would hurt so bad from standing on them for most of the day. She would be wearing shoes that didn't fit her correctly, because it was all she had--my hand me downs. She refused to ever spend money on herself. In the rare situation where there was extra money, she spent it on frivolous things for us. Maybe some kind of junk food, or a video game for the boys. She never focused on herself. Ever. We were all trying to keep it together. It was a really tough time in our lives.

After Mom started to work at Davids, things started to level out. Of course at this point, Ronnie and I were old enough to pay our own way and alleviate some of the financial responsibilities. Mom seemed to regain herself and some of her maternal confidence when she realized, despite our financial shortcomings, we were growing up to be good people. Hard workers. Good hearts. Things started to look up for all of us. I met Michael fell in love and got married. I finished college and landed a great job in my desired field. Then came Neva and Nori, and my new job as a full time mom. Ronnie finished college and became a English teacher. He worked his way up to LHS Defensive Coordinator. He is now looking to further his education. Josh is a sales associate at Office Depot. He married a wonderful girl and has a beautiful family. Mom became the BEST grandmother you could ever imagine, over night. I remember her saying "I'm not going to be a babysitter", as a birth control threat when Michael and I first started dating. But when she saw that first grand baby, her every moment would be consumed with thoughts of when she could see them next. Her light was back. But once again, it was all about us and our families. She never focused on herself.

I sat yesterday and pondered my mom's life. I have often felt sorry for her because her WHOLE life was dedicated to someone else. It was a hard life. Then I looked at my girls. I realized, I am EXACTLY same way. She made me that way. My every moment is consumed with, "how can I make them happy?" Then I thought "I don't feel sad or like something is missing". They are my life. They are my accomplishments. She finds joy in our joy. She finds success in our success. My mom chose to make her life all about us. I asked her the other day, if she regretted the divorce. She said "I often think about how much better life would have been for yall if we had stayed together. You would have never did without anything and you would have had your daddy at home. But then I remember the fighting and I know that would not have been good for ya'll. I DO wish we had both tried harder, but I think I made the right decision, for ya'll." She's right.The goodness of who we are is because of all she instilled in us. The hard times made us strong. The good times made us good hearted. Its been a beautiful, hard, wonderfully crazy ride--but it brought us to today. And because of her, we can handle anything life throws at us. Thank you mama. Thank you for the "hand-me-downs". Thank you for you. And oh yeah, I really like your new shoes.