I called frequently to check on mama. She was sleeping. She slept most of Thursday and Thursday night according to my brothers and Amber. When I arrived to get her, I was mortified at her color and just the look on her face. It was like day 1 of this ordeal all over again. She looked really bad. When we arrived at the Dr.'s office, mom had started talking a little bit. Her breathing was not good. She was coughing horribly and gripping her chest in pain. I was aching in fear. Finally we were called back. My heart was barely beating when it was announced that mom's cancer is the same. It has not shrank anymore. I was secretly devastated. They said this would happen. That the cancer would finally stop responding. In so many words, the Dr. said that mom's last two cycles of chemo were for nothing but adding toxicity to her body. So now comes the break that I told you about. They informed us that one lung was making a "popping" sound and one of her ears was infected. The last time she was making a "popping" sound, was before her diagnosis and they said it was pneumonia. This scares me. They went on to tell us that mom's white blood cell count was DANGEROUSLY low. She spoke of admitting mom, but agreed to let her go home. She encouraged me to take her temperature frequently and rush her to the ER for even a low grade fever, as this could be fatal because her body has NOTHING to fight off even the smallest infection. They said she could receive her blood on Saturday--but she had no choice. She had to go get platelets IMMEDIATELY. A healthy person's platelet count is around 100,000. They give a transfusion if it hits 20,000. My mom's was at 9,000. She was really bad off. When your platelets are that low, you are at a serious risk of bleeding to death. So we headed to the hospital. It was a pretty long wait (about 2 and a half hours-WITH MY GIRLS! AHHH!), but the staff seemed really busy. Mom was pitiful. She kept falling asleep in the waiting room. You could tell her little body was just plain worn out. Finally we were ready. Unfortunately, the chemo room was closed for the day. So mom had to go to the 3rd floor for treatment. The third floor was actually better in my opinion. She had a room that she didn't have to share with other patients. She had a bed instead of a recliner. But more importantly, the girls were allowed! SO I could go in if I wanted. I started thinking about the day before. She had swam, walked an entire museum, and walked along the beach. All with her body in HORRIBLE shape. Just the ear infection and respiratory infection would prevent most from getting out of bed. But she had SO much more working against her! Those kind of ailments would put the strongest person down on their back. But not my mom. I cannot believe she fought through that pain and exhaustion to try and keep the trip positive for me and the girls. She could have died. Really. No exaggeration. I was angry that she didn't tell me how bad it really was. Then again, I was angry because I really already knew.
(There's mom getting her platelets. It was 2 hrs past naptime. So my aunt sat with her and I took the girls home for a cpl hrs. They slept, I cried. I got it out of my system before going to pick mom up)
I cannot believe that this is all happening so fast. She was fine, and now she is horrible. I have spent the last couple of days tag teaming with my sister-in-law preparing meals, taking temps, cleaning house and what mama calls "babysitting" her. Friday night, we woke her practically every half hour to take her temperature. I was petrified at the thought of my mom dying in her sleep because of a cold. I know that sounds morbid, but I was overwhelmed by that fear. She is really not any better today. That too is a scary thought. She is half way through her antibiotics and there is no improvement really. My aunt sat with her this morning while she received her blood. I sat this one out. They had breakfast afterwards, then she went straight home and went to bed. She slept all day. Ronnie and Amber contacted me separately because they were very concerned when she woke up. Her breathing was terrible. They both felt that she might need medical attention. She snapped at Ronnie when he mentioned this. Soon after this incident, I arrived. I walked in her room. There was a pile of little tissues on her bed. Beside her bed was her bag of medicine. On a stool by her side was her nebulizer (for breathing treatments). She looked so pitiful. So frail. Her breathing was reminiscent of those first dark days. I asked her in a nonthreatening way if she would tell us if she needed help. She assured me that she would. She said that when she woke up and was having trouble breathing, it made her panic. She feels like she may have had a panic attack (which makes breathing even harder) and this is what Ronnie and Amber saw. "I don't want to leave yall, Nikki. I WILL tell you if I need a dr. I promise". I believe her. We are all just scared. I am really emotional right now. I am not quite sure what is happening. Is she starting all over? Is this JUST a cold? I can't stop crying. I am trying SO hard, but I can't help her. Not really. I can't make her catch her breath. I can't make her feel healthy. What can I do?
Sadly, she had to cancel her baptism. She cannot get a full breath. The thought of going under water scares her. Also, the dr doesn't want her around alot of people right now because she is so weak. I know she is sad about not being able to go to the 1st day of Journey Church in it's new facility. We were SO excited. So I intend to go sit with her in the morning to take her mind off of it. I will sit with her everyday until she is better. Daylight to dark if need be. Shes my mama. I need her. And right now, she really needs me. Please pray. Please.
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