Worst Night Yet....

I am laying in bed and for some reason I feel an urge I have not felt in months.....The urge to research my moms disease. I reach over Neva to the nightstand to grab my cell phone. I know it's a bad idea as I'm doing it. While some of my family members find comfort in reading the facts, I find none. I actually find the opposite. I stopped reading and researching in the very beginning of this. I do not regret it. When I grab my cell phone and begin to type, I am bombarded by a memory.

 I am sitting in a waiting room with my two aunts and my brother. I am scared. I am confused. All I know at this point is that mom has a mass that is "reaching out" to other body parts. On this day, (biopsy day) they will determine exactly what we are dealing with. I had an argument (a really bad one) with my brother on this day. It was on this day that I first felt alone in this situation and I have not recovered since. This was quite possibly the worst day of my life. While this memory plays out, the anger floods into my mind and heart. This is happening simultaneously with my reading my mother's disappointing statistics on my blackberry. I am crying in bed with a daughter on each side of me sleeping. How did this happen? Why did she smoke? Why is she sick? Why MY mom??? I can't ask this enough. WHY?!?! I can't stand this anymore....

I had to get up and try to find some relief in venting. So here I am. Michael is out of town. I am really struggling right now. I haven't had a night THIS bad in a LONG time. I spent the day with her today. She was okay. She ate really good, but she never got out of her pajamas and she didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere with us. I miss the old mom. Us jumping in the car at the drop of a hat. I ALWAYS had a riding partner in her. She was my preferred riding partner. We were always together. Now, she doesn't feel like sitting up and talking sometimes. When I hear Neva ask to spend the night I get mad. I KNOW mama can't do it right now. I get it. I don't want her to overdo it by any means. But, why can't MY kid stay with her grandmother when she wants to? Have a normal life? The one that she was living around 8 mos ago. The one where she didn't even have to ask to stay the night, because her Gammy asked first...Nori will never even know that life. Why did it have to go away? What did THEY do wrong? Instead,  I have to listen to a cracking voice say "sorry baby, I don't feel like it tonight.....But we will another night". I feel bad for mama.  I know she wants Neva to stay. She wants her health back. She wants a full life with her family. Why the hell are we here? I am so angry! I want my mama back. I want my life back.

I always try to look at the bright side, and perhaps tomorrow the optimist in me will be back. Tonight? Tonight I feel that my world is ending with every pound she loses, with every cough she belts out, or every moment missed to a symptom of this disease. My mom is dying and there is nothing I can do about it. I am so torn up. My heart is broken. I need her so much. Why is this happening? Please sun, just rise already, I can't take anymore......