Answered Prayers

I find it very difficult to sleep at night. When I close my eyes I think of her. When I open them I think of her. When I DO manage to doze off, my dreams are consumed with her. Last night was pretty bad. I didn't cry. I just could not, for the life of me, stop thinking the worst. I have been reminiscing alot. I think of when I was little. When I was a teenager. When we were planning my wedding. When I landed the position at SCRMC that I was dying to get. When I cried tears of joy and nervousness and told her I was pregnant. When I confided in her that I was thinking of leaving my dream job to be a full time mom. When I became angry at her reaction when I told her I was pregnant, again. The look on her face as she met both her grand daughters before, even I, had a chance to. After I think of all the milestones, the biggies, the moments that will never be lost, I try harder to think of the little ones. The smell of her frying chicken and cooking peas and cornbread in the kitchen while I ran in and out of the back door playing in the yard. Sitting on the bathroom counter watching her apply her makeup. Listening to her sing old country music in the car. Watching her cry as she watched sappy girl movies. The sound of her laugh, when it used to conquer a room. I dwell on these things. I cannot escape them, nor do I think I want to. Of course it is sad when I come back to reality, and things are not the same....Not even close.

Today started with a phone call from my mom. Her voice was vibrant and she said she felt good. She said "Our prayers might have been answered, Nikki. I woke up this morning and the soreness in my stomach and chest is not nearly as bad as it was!" I could tell she felt better. That was a great thing to hear, considering how afraid we have all been of the root of that soreness. She wanted to hang out with me and the girls. So, she called Hospice to cancel Don's visit. She immediately called me back and informed me that Don would no longer be her nurse. Apparently, he took another job. Though he had not been with mom long enough to form any kind of sentimental attachment, I still found this difficult to swallow. You have to understand, it has been one big change after another. I found stability and continuity in having the same doctors, nurses and medical staff through this whole thing. It was the ONLY continuity that we had. So when we found out mom was getting a Hospice nurse, I was scared and felt afraid of, yet another, change. Though this unforseen change was unsettling, I was relieved to hear that mom's replacement nurse would be Malorie Kitchens. She is absolutely wonderful, and I know mama will love her. Mom cancelled her visit for the day, and we headed out to do our FAVORITE thing, look at furniture and home decor. We don't have to buy anything, we enjoy just looking and day dreaming.

Before we went ANY where else, we went to the girl's favorite spot-China Town. I became a regular at this place when I was pregnant with Neva and we still frequent it. Today, when we got there, our waitress,  a familiar and friendly face came up to me and told me that she had been following this blog. She had no idea that my mom was sick until she came across it. She told me that she was praying for me and my family. I found her words so comforting. It is always weird when I find out someone has read my writing. When I write this, though I hope I can reach someone in a similar situation, I really only picture my mom on the other side of the screen. I KNOW she reads every single post. Sometimes it's a little intimidating to know that someone else is reading. I wonder if they think I am crazy or overly emotional. I am sure, at the very least, I come off a bit bi-polar. One day I am happy and up beat, the next I am hitting rock bottom and can't stop crying. However, everything I write is honest. It is how I feel and what I think. If I can help even one person feel that they are not alone on their emotional roller coaster, then I think it is a great accomplishment. I thanked her for her prayers. Mom and the girls had their usual "noodle-suck race". Mom won, of course. Although Nori did pretty good, herself. Once we had our bellies full we headed to the register, only to find out that someone had already paid for our meal. I couldn't believe it. It was an incredibly sweet gesture. We wanted to thank someone, but unfortunately the cashier was sworn to secrecy. So, thank you, sweet stranger, if you just so happen to be reading. Thank you for the delicious meal, but mainly for letting me see that look on mama's face. The look where she realizes that she is loved and thought about and prayed for. It is easy to forget those things when you are confined to your house most of the time. I love that surprised, bashful, yet thankful little smile when she remembers.

We had fun today, though I have told you before, browsing with my children in tow is one of my LEAST favorite things to do. I found myself snappy and short tempered with them today. Don't get me wrong, they behaved well--for a toddler and preschooler who were a couple hours late for their nap time. I know that my impatience had little to do with the girls or their behavior. I believe the news we received earlier in the day had me on edge. We found out that Myrtis Dean, (moms neighbor, friend and fellow lung cancer patient), passed away. This news blind sighted me and, quite frankly, hit a little close to home (literally). I kept fighting my thoughts that were trying so hard to go to a bad place. I am afraid that in a fog of negative thoughts, I almost lost a great day. Mom was feeling okay. She WANTED to be out of the house. It was just us girls. We had Chinese food AND Marble Slab ice cream....How does it get any better? But still, I battled my emotions through the entirety of the day.

After the girls napped at mom's house, I took mom back to town to the funeral home to pay her respects to Myrt and her family. I sat in the car with the girls trying to not think.....at all.....about anything. I felt a knot of emotions in my heart growing more and more prevalent. When mom returned to the car, I fought the urge to talk about things. Depressing things. We kept the conversation light, then I dropped her off at her house and headed home to cook supper.

Mom called when I was a little piece down the road to check on me. I confided that I was struggling with Myrt passing. I keep thinking about a few weeks ago when the two of them sat on mom's front porch, bald heads exposed, sharing chemo and radiation stories. She was here....HERE. Now she is gone. That fast.  Mom understood my feelings and thoughts. I began to cry as we spoke. I have been wondering what she thinks of all my crying. I don't cry every minute, hour or even every day--but I DO cry a good bit. I told her that I know I am her most emotional child and that is easy to see. I have always worn my feelings on my sleeve. But I told her that I dont want her to worry about me if she "leaves". She said she didn't and WOULDN'T worry about me. She knew I would be fine. I told her that I knew if I lost her, I would be absolutely devestated. But I WILL live. I will be a mama, wife, and friend like she taught me to be. I will not lock myself in a room and fall apart. Though I know sometimes it seems I am a basket case, I believe my letting my emotions out will keep me grounded in the long run. She said she knew all of this. She knew I would go on and live life to the fullest, but it made her feel good to hear me say it aloud. I told her that I loved her, and she reciprocated the words. It felt good to get that off my chest. I should have said all that earlier in the day......

SO tonight as I lay in bed TRYING to fall asleep and Myrt's family makes their way into my thoughts, I will pray that they find peace in this difficult time, because I KNOW that Myrt has. I will call on all those wonderful memories I spoke of earlier to ease my fears. I will think of my mom how she was, how she is, and try not to think of what will be. I will think of all of our blessings. I will think of my mama, in the condition that she is in, still talking about blessings and answered prayers. If she KNOWS she is blessed, how could I doubt it? I will realize that every moment I spend with my mom is the result of an answered prayer.