"Today Is A New Day"

When I woke up this morning after an astonishing 3 hours of sleep, I thought about my blog from last night. I feel guilty that I was so negative with my words. Through all of this, I have had good days and bad days, but I can usually find SOMETHING positive to say. Last night was rough. I was still pretty emotional when I got up this morning, and when I spoke to mom, I found myself fighting tears. She sounded good and planned on keeping the girls for me while I went to the dr. She was even going to ride out to my house to save me a trip to hers. But still I found myself fighting a lump in my throat. I told her about my bad night and warned her about the negativity of my words. I then started talking about all the things that were ailing me emotionally---most of which are not recent. "Today is a new day", she said. Plain and simple. I knew she wanted to listen and hear me out--but she wants me to be happy as well, and not dwell in the negative. She told me not to apologize for my words. She said she is proud that I have found an emotional outlet in the form of my writing and she doesn't want me to hold back on her account.

When she came in, the girls were down for nap. She was carrying a mysterious brown paper bag. I knew without even looking that it was the 3 "C"- food groups. That's right Gammy has her own list of food groups and they all start with "C": Chocolate, Candy and Cheetohs......

Though I was only gone a couple hours, I called a few times. Each time I was rudely dismissed "I gotta go, we are reading a book!", "We are busy playing outside, I gotta go!". I was just worried about her. My kids are tough. I didn't want them to wear her out. But they sounded fine....BETTER than fine...

I told Dr. Weber about my mom getting off of the chemo and radiation. I asked what was the safest yet earliest date that we could schedule my induction. Though I really wanted my water to break naturally this time, I feel that sooner is better in our current situation. He doesn't feel comfortable scheduling any earlier than 39 weeks due to Mili's lung development or possible lack of. If I DO go into natural labor at 37 weeks, he wont stop it. But he will not schedule it any earlier than 39. I told him I would never want to do anything to endanger the baby, I was just curious about my options. I am now 35 weeks (I think....maybe 36). Everything looked good and measured out well. Somehow, I didn't gain a ton of weight over the Christmas Holiday....I don't know how I managed that..

When I got back to the house I was greeted by two hyper little girls and a smiling grandma. She looked tired, but I think she had fun. The girls were like open books: I could read all over them that they had an absolute blast with their Gammy, as usual! Mama didn't sit long before she decided to head on home. It was a good feeling hearing her say "they were wonderful. I had fun, and I am NOT wore out---I promise".

I felt like there was no end to my heartbreak last night. Last night was like an erupting volcano of negativity and anger that I have apparently been storing up unknowingly. Last night was hard. But this morning, brought into my window, rays of beautiful sunshine that were soon followed by smiles, little giggles and a much needed great day. While I am sure that last night is not the last of it's kind, I can always remember "Today is a new day", when my eyes are blessed enough to open yet again. Thank you mama. I love you.