It's Raining, It's Pouring...........

ME: "I don't care if you're able to do anything else mama....I just want you in the delivery room with me. I need you there".

MOM: "I know, baby I told you I would be there. I'm going to be there. I can keep the girls too. I told you I would......."

This is part of the conversation that mom and I had over the phone earlier. Unfortunately, I have not seen her in two days. That is the longest we have been apart in months. My heart aches to see her. But Saturday, during Nori's little birthday party, I noticed that she was kind of whiny. Sure enough, that night, Nori spiked a fever of almost 104. I kept her home from church and did everything in my power to control her fever until we could see Dr. Chard today. Nori's throat was red. Her glands were enlarged. The dr. blamed tonsillitis and told me to stay away from mama until Nori had been fever-free for at least 24hrs. My little baby is horribly sick. The fever alone is one thing, but her cough....Oh my goodness her little cough. It hurts me to hear it. If mom caught this from her....Well, I don't really want to think about it. She is completely against us "shielding" her from her sick grandchild.  And quite frankly, I am tempted to just go over there. I know my time with mama is limited and I don't want to lose even one minute. Also, Mili will be here Wednesday. Me and mom have always spent quality time with one another before my children are born. I miss that time greatly. But, I have to do what I have to do to protect my mama. They say "when it rains it pours". Well, as I sit here with a sick toddler, a preschooler that will (more than likely) get sick too, a mama that keeps getting worse, a baby coming in 2 days, contractions washing over me like ocean waves, and a complete inability to see my best friend in the whole world (mama), I have to agree.

It has been a roller coaster the last couple of days. One minute, I think mom is ok. The next, I am scared to death of how much time we have left. The only thing that has been a constant, is the tremendous amount of pain that she has been in. If she steps to hard and jars her body, she yells in pain. If she twists the wrong way, she yells in pain. She moans constantly in her sleep. We have had our theories about the source of the pain, but they were pretty much confirmed by the Hospice nurse today. She told mom that the way she describes her pain is consistent with the symptoms of cancer growth. The cancer is slowly taking over my mama's little body. Though I am so elated about the upcoming arrival of my little angel, I am overwhelmed by fear of my mama's situation. Against her wishes, they upped her medicine today. They told her that the increase would probably make her drowsy. This comment is scary to me, considering how much mama is sleeping already. She has been planning on keeping the girls for me while I am in the hospital. She has said so since the moment she found out I was pregnant. I was skeptical about her ability to do so. But, until today, I was actually considering it. But now, I have to see how this new medicine regiment is going to make her feel. Like I told her, as long as she is in the delivery room with me, I will be happy. I NEED her there.

Just before nap time today, after the girls took turns pottying and getting comfortable, I could hear them talking. They were getting settled in their bed and anxiously awaiting me to tell them a story about a pink dragon (their favorite). Nori began to cough her pitiful cough.....Neva listened then said in the softest little sympathetic voice you can imagine "Awww, sweetie. That hurts don't it?" Nori cried out in pain after her coughing spell ended (like she has been doing) and said "mmmm hhmmm" in a really sad tone. "Well" Neva soothed, "I am sorry you 're sick. You are coughing like Gammy. But Gammy has cancer. You don't have cancer. Little kids don't get cancer. Just Gammy's do. You are going to get better. Gammy won't get better. Her medicine don't work". I stood outside the door with tears in my eyes. Yes, I told Neva that mama had cancer. Yes, I told her that mama's medicine wasn't working. But as I stood there listening to her tell her little sister all these things that are rolling through her mind, I wondered if maybe I have been too honest with them. That is not all, here are a few things that have been said lately:

Neva:
"Mama why do you take TUMS?"
Me:
"Because I have really bad heartburn, Neva. They don't really help though."
Neva:
"How come your medicine don't work, and Gammy's medicine don't work, and Papaw the Great's medicine didn't work?"


Nori:
"Ms. Myrt die? Go to Heaven?"
Me:
"Yes sweet heart, Ms. Myrt died and she went to Heaven."
Nori:
"Papaw Great die? Go to Heaven?"
Me:
Yes, baby Papaw the Great is in Heaven"
Neva:
"Is my Gammy going to Heaven?"


Neva:
"Mama look! My bones stick out like Gammy's! Are they sticking out of my back too?"


Nori:
"Chemo make Gammy hair fall out. It all gone."

Neva:
"Why can't I stay at Gammy's house and eat popcorn and sleep on a pallet and watch tv like I used to?"


I could go on and on and on. Neva is going through the inquisitive stage. EVERYTHING is "How? Why? Who? Where? What?" It never ends. I try to be honest without being scary. Nori feeds off of Neva. She will hear her sister talk about something, then repeat it over and over. I am equally moved and amazed by their innocent words, but they sometimes cut me like a knife.

I'm going to post some recent pictures, but this could quite possibly be my last written post before my new little daughter arrives. I have spent the last 39 weeks worried sick that my mom wouldn't make it. I pictured myself in the delivery room lost in sorrow as I brought a child into this world that the most important woman in my life would never meet. I feared I would never see my mom's teary eyed expression as she smiles and looks at her youngest grandchild for the first time. I never regretted my decision to get pregnant, but I worried about the consequences of my choices. My consequences. Mili's consequences. Consequences for all involved. Well, she fought hard, kept her word, and she made it. She beat the odds. She will be with me holding my hand as I welcome the newest edition to our family. I am the most blessed person in the world. I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I know that is why she is still here right now. No doubt in my mind. Your thoughts, prayers, and my mama's unwavering strength and faith. These are blessings that even the strongest rain can't wash away.