Sunday:
Sunday I woke up in a rare situation, my husband was home! As some of you know, Michael cooks donuts at Shipley's and this requires him to be at work when most of us are still snoozing away. It is very rare that we wake up as a family and have breakfast together. Our morning family time is usually limited to holidays, as Michael tends to work seven days a week. Anyway, every now and then, he is able to pull it off. Sunday we all got up and headed to church together. I was so excited when I realized my mom was there! I have been attending most Sundays alone. Last week, mom went to surprise me, and SHE ended up being a alone! I was having a yucky morning and didn't go. When we pulled up, I spotted my brother's truck and I knew that my beautiful mom was somewhere inside. I anxiously dropped the girls in their rooms and headed for my seat. When I opened the door it was like opening a present! There, sitting in our usual spot, was MY mama wrapped up in her big coat and little hat. I walked right up to her and gave her a BIG hug. So many Sundays I have sat alone wishing she was next to me. Daydreaming of a day when she will feel well enough to wake up before noon. There she was.....We held hands through much of the service. At one point, Mili decided to start moving, and since mom always misses feeling it by a tenth of a second, I put her hand on my belly. We just stared at each other smiling as she met her youngest granddaughter for the first time. It was a great moment. Though I felt emotional, I was happy enough to hold it together until a certain song played and pulled a few tears from my eyes. It was a beautiful morning. After church, Michael went to look at mom's tire. It was kind of low the day before and mom was scared to drive it.
Michael will NEVER have a son, that is as obsessed with his every move as is his daughter, Neva. She LOVES watching her daddy work and "helping" him.
Don't worry, I am not sitting on mama here. I wouldn't want to break her leg. I am sitting on the rocker (NO! I DIDN'T break it).
The girls played while their daddy worked diligently to figure out what was going on with mama's car. He finally concluded that the air was leaking out around the rim. However, a piece was missing that he needed in order to change her tire. Some special Volkswagen part. Mom's car is new to HER, but in actuality it is a 2003 that has had many owners. So, she is taking it somewhere to have it looked at.
We left shortly after Michael realized he wasn't going to be able to help her. Mom and Ronnie then went to Wal-mart and Corner Market to get some groceries/supplies for her house. I was pleased to see her being so active, though the circles under her eyes, her unusually quiet nature and her over all demeanor had me a bit concerned. I kept asking "are you okay?" when I would speak to her over the phone, and she kept reassuring me that she was fine. She was just tired. Though I was still worried, I knew it had been a big day for her and I let it go. Sunday night, with no warning at all, I had a complete break down in the shower. This is my designated prayer/breakdown spot (it happens to be the ONLY place I get even a LITTLE privacy). I stood there, with contractions coming left and right, aches and pains running all over my body, begging God to help me. Not help me physically. I begged Him to help me cope with everything. I cried so hard, that afterwards my eyes were almost swollen shut. However, when I got out of that shower, just like my tears went down the drain, so did my heartache. I don't know if my prayer was answered, or if I just cried it out and felt better. Either way, that break down was just what I needed.
Monday:
I spoke to mom, and she sounded GREAT! She slept alot on this day, and Amber helped me feel relaxed staying at home, by keeping a close check on mom. I actually never saw her on this day. I just spoke to her several times between her naps. She assured me that she was fine, but her stomach was bothering her a bit. Though I felt super tired and achy, I somehow, I tore myself out of bed and started moving rooms around. We live in a 3 bedroom trailer. Though Mili will be in my room for a good 4-5 months, I went ahead and turned Nori's bedroom into Mili's nursery. I moved Nori into Neva's room. We have experimented with the toddler bed, but this would be Nori's first leap from sleeping in a confining crib to sleeping in a "big girl bed" with freedom. I worried that Neva would feel invaded upon and that Nori would feel ripped off. But I have got to tell you, they were SO excited!!! I caught them with one of my pre-cancer pictures of mama. In an attempt to decorate her room, Neva was putting it on display. Nori was watching closely. I asked what they were doing and Neva responded "Im putting up a picture of my Gammy". Then Nori, added "That Gammy has hair. I love that Gammy".
This was their first night in the same room. As you can see, they both slept great! I REALLY thought I would have an issue with Nori running into our room a million times, but the night went beautifully. This was also the first night that I implemented a new night time routine. I was inspired by Super Nanny's Stay In Bed Method. I had put myself in quite the predicament when it came to bed time. Michael can't really help because of his crazy schedule. I was rocking Nori to sleep, then carrying her to bed. Then laying with Neva until she fell asleep, then carrying her to bed. The whole thing took around two hours and usually, Neva came running within a few hours. My back has been killing me, I am sleep deprived, and I could not fathom how I would keep it up after Mili arrives. I was desperate. I tried this method and it worked on the FIRST night! (I can't refuse my kids hugs and kisses or positive attention, so I altered this rule a bit). But we are 4 nights in, and it is WONDERFUL!!! I tuck them in, read to them, hug and kiss, then walk out. Nori has YET to get out of her bed! Neva has done great as well! Thank goodness!
Tuesday:
My mom came over to my house and we went to McDonald's in Waynesboro. I felt bad that the girls were trapped inside the entire day before because I was rearranging rooms and wanted to treat them to some fun. The W-boro McDonald's has an indoor playground. I didn't like the way my mom looked on Wednesday. I had in the back of my mind that she had slept ALMOST the entire previous day and yet she still looked exhausted and weak. It was eating away at me. Worst of all: she was quiet. Kind of withdrawn and I could tell something was on her mind. This is a behavior of hers that I know all too well. IT is a SURE sign that something is wrong. I asked her repeatedly to tell me what was wrong. She assured me that she was just tired. We watched the children play and ate. Mom ate almost a whole burger! Then we went to Walmart so I could get the ingredients for Michael's favorite birthday cake: homemade red velvet with cream cheese icing. On the way home, mom held my hand. She finally confessed that she had the same pain that was in her stomach in her chest as well. She said "it feels bruised in there". I could tell she was worried. I could tell she had a good idea of what was causing the pain. I couldn't hug her enough before she left. I have felt this alot lately. I have found it hard to not hug and kiss and wallow all over her when she is in my presence. If it annoys her, she hasn't let on.
The girls made their daddy a birthday card....They were so excited, they gave it to him before it completely dried!
Michael and I are officially the same age, 28, atleast for a few more days....
Wednesday:
Mom sounded HORRIBLE. I was very concerned. I had also made the mistake recently of reading online about mom's disease and that is NEVER good. As I feared, cancer of the liver can cause abdominal pain, similar to what she has been experiencing. Since that cancer of the liver was growing DURING chemo, it is safe to assume that it hasn't stopped. I have found myself sick with fear at this thought. My poor girls allowed me to lay around for much of this particular morning, because I was hurting pretty bad. I even toyed with the idea of canceling my (now weekly) OB appt. My mom was SUPPOSED to be babysitting for me, but she didn't sound like she was any shape to have two little ones running around. She scolded me for even considering cancelling. "I'm fine! I CAN do it, Nikki". So I went....
Check out the junk buffet....
I then took mom to pay her electric bill and to get a few things from David's Grocery that she had been needing. As I stood at the counter, my skinny, little, sickly mom waiting in the car with my kids, my eyes found her collection jug sitting on the counter. I purposefully avoid looking at this, usually. But on this day, I couldn't stop. I stared at her picture smiling back at me. She was so plump and healthy. That smile...It was warm and authentic. Not a forced one like we get from her these days. I reached over and caressed her face on the picture. Tears came to my eyes as I flashed back to HER standing behind that counter. I miss taking my girls to eat a hamburger that their Gammy cooked. Watching her struggle to focus on work as two of the four loves of her life chanted her name from the dining room. My heart ached and a lump formed in my throat. Soon, the cashier returned to her post, I paid and left immediately, choking back my tears.
On this particular night, Neva started to cry when I turned the light off and walked out of her room. Nori was snoozing away, but Neva was emotional. Against Super Nanny's advice, I climbed in bed with her and kissed her tears away. Neva whispered through a cracking voice "I am crying like you mama". I asked "What do you mean?" She responded "You cry all the time. I am crying like you". My heart started to feel heavy. "Do you know why I cry?" I asked. "Because Gammy is sick and it makes you sad. You don't want her to be sick" she declared. Her answer made my soul ache, yet I found myself impressed with her understanding of the situation. Though I have explained it many times, she is THREE. I figured she didn't really get it. "That's exactly right baby", I told her. Then her little eyes closed and she looked so peaceful. As I was about to climb out of her bed, she opened those little blue eyes once more and said "You worry about your mama SO much, don't you?" before I could answer, her eyes closed back and she fell fast asleep. I laid there for a while, just watching her sleep. Wishing that she wasn't carrying the burden of my emotions on her shoulders. Feeling guilty for not shielding her a bit more. I kissed her forehead and left out.
I have suffered many sleepless nights lately. The pregnancy is somewhat to blame. But the main thing is I can't stop worrying about my mama. She just isn't right. Something is wrong. Something that reminds me of a dark day in the beginning of all this. I pray that I am wrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment