Minutes Earlier

Just minutes earlier, he had been telling me to stop crying. Minutes earlier he had reminded me that we had alot more bad days to come. Minutes earlier he had said it wasn't good for the girls to see me like that. Minutes earlier, he pretended that he  was confident. But now, as I was hugging him "goodbye", my cheek brushed his and my face was was wet with his tears. Then I moved from the light, and it showed his red eyes. His true feelings had found their way out from where they had been hiding, just minutes earlier...................

I never thought today would be a great day for mom, just based on her condition the last few days. But I NEVER thought it would be like this. This morning we were to get up, get ready and head to Jackson. We intended to stay the night in a hotel with an indoor pool so we could swim the night away (my girls' favorite thing), then have supper at a fun restaurant, THEN go to the Mississippi Children's Museum tomorrow, before heading home. Just me, mom and my girls. It was going to be a fun "last horah" type thing before Mili gets here. It will be a while before she can really get out a whole lot, not to mention how dramatically life itself is going to change for my little girls when they get their brand new, much anticipated little sister.

Yesterday, mom watched the girls while I went to the dr. She slept pretty much up until my appointment. Luckily, the girls slept almost the whole time I was gone. So I think she had it pretty easy. I found out that Mili will be here 2/1/12 by induction (if not sooner naturally). Both of my deliveries were induced in the past, and I REALLY wanted to experience things happening naturally this time....But I absolutely CANNOT wait. Everyday has brought more and more uncertainty and worse and worse fatigue and symptoms of the disease. I am scared of how she will be Wednesday, forget waiting any longer than that. Yesterday's news brought with it a sense of relief. Though I know there are NO guarantees in life, I felt pretty confident that my mom would be here for the delivery and meet her brand new grand daughter. This is something I have prayed for for 38 weeks. Mom was excited too. She expressed a desire to get out of the house. So we ran down to the store, grabbed us all a snack, then went riding. We looked at houses and rode down roads we never travel anymore. We talked about everything. It was great. She looked pretty bad. Tired, pale, weak. But she spoke with spirit. She held my hand the whole time. I noticed she was sitting in a weird position and asked her if she was okay. She lied and said that she was. I then noticed her gripping herself every time we hit a bump in the road. If you have ever went riding down Jones County back roads, you know hitting bumps and pot holes is inevitable. So, I took her home. It was a nice ride. Not long enough. But nice. I worried about that pain. I know what it is. I don't want to know, but I do. When we got to her house, Ronnie was there. I gave him the daily update, told him to call me if he needed me and headed home to cook a gourmet supper (hot dogs and Funyuns). I spoke to her a couple times before I went to bed. Once to confirm our plans for today (the trip to Jackson). She seemed excited. Then again to tell her that Ms. Bonita from the church had called me to tell me about a gift basket she and some of the ladies had put together for me and Mili (we were both really excited about that!). I knew she wasn't 100%, not even close....But, once again, I had no idea what was to follow when she got up this morning...or actually, when she DIDN'T get up....

I laid out her medicine, again, last night. Ronnie is more than capable of doing this, but I find great satisfaction in doing it myself. I lay it out, he gives it to her. I take the day shift, he takes the night. Josh is comic relief. Teamwork. Anyway, this morning, I called as usual. There was NO answer, as usual. I knew she was sleeping in, as usual. Amber went to check on her for me, as usual. When she called me, there was fear in her voice. Mom didn't look good. Come to find out, as Amber watched her sleep--she counted her breaths. Her breathing concerned Amber greatly. She sat and watched her sleep for a while. Then mom woke herself up coughing. Amber gave her her meds for the day. With Amber sitting there, Mama called me and talked to me for about two minutes. She said she was going to check the weather channel, then call me back to get our trip planned out. That was around 10:30.  Amber left soon after that. She called me from the driveway. Mom had been awake for only a few minutes, but was falling asleep sitting straight up. Amber was very concerned with mom's appearance and behavior. I told her I was headed over there RIGHT after my girls woke up from their nap. After all, they needed some rest for their fun filled couple of days.

I tried to call mama several times before nap, during nap and directly after nap. I knew the trip was out. There was no way. If she was sleeping this long, something was wrong. My concern and anxiety was growing to an astronomical degree. I literally thought I might have a panic attack before I made it to her. The last I heard from her was at 10:30. I pulled into her yard at almost 4:00. I made the kids wait outside while I walked in. Don't ask why. When I saw her, my heart skipped a beat. I immediately started staring at her chest just waiting for it to rise and fall. Now I see why Amber was so concerned. She looks horrible. She was STILL asleep. All night, all morning, and she looked as though she was going to sleep on into the evening or even longer. I was beside myself. I woke her up. She wasn't talking. She was quiet. I fixed her a sandwich, because I knew she had not eaten,  a glass of tea and laid out her medicine. She took her medicine. She barely spoke to me or the kids. She ignored the food.  Neva asked her to read her a story. Mom read two pages, then handed the book to Ronnie to finish. I felt sick. That NEVER happens. I sat across the room and cried silently. She laid her head back of the couch and dozed off sitting straight up, again. Then stood up and without saying a word, walked to her room and went to bed. I went to wash dishes. I felt really mad. I felt scared. I cried the whole time I stood at the sink. Then I went back to her room. I laid down with her and begged her to tell me the truth. Please just tell me what is wrong? What is hurting? She rubbed my head as I cried and said "I'm fine baby, I am just tired". Then she fell asleep with me laying there. I cried into the pillow beside her until my girls came walking in. I then went and sat on the porch to let them play. My big brother joined me. I was sniffling. He told me I had to get it together and stop crying so much in front of the girls. Neva walked up and told him "Mama is crying because Gammy is sick. She is sad." I was proud of her. I told him that I had been very honest with the girls through this whole thing. I don't ever think it is wise to hold in your emotions. Though I do try to protect them from the severity of my heartache.

Neva ran about the yard then came up to the porch with the most beautiful "flowers" (weeds) you have EVER seen. She gave some to me. I didn't know she had reserved some more for someone else. Ronnie continued on with his tough guy act and told me to get home before it started raining. I agreed and went inside to get our stuff together. Just when I realized that Neva was "missing" she yelled for me and her Uncle Bubba to come look. She led us to mama's door way. Mom lay there in the dark. Neva, without fear, walked in alone. She climbed up on top of her sleeping Gammy. Her best friend. The person that would move mountains for her. The grandmother that could not read her a simple story a hour earlier. She gently pointed to some "flowers" she had placed on top of her Gammy. Then, she leaned down and in the softest, most compassionate tone of voice she whispered "I love you so much Gammy. It's going to be ok. Get some rest". Mom never budged. I turned and looked at Ronnie. He looked at me. Picking up on Neva's actions, Nori climbed up and kissed her sleeping Gammy. "Wub you, Bushell, peck, wound neck, all hot" (her version of mom's little saying "love you, bushell and a peck, hug around the neck and ALL my heart". Mom kind of mumbled something back. Ronnie walked away quickly. The girls filed out of her room quietly. I fought my tears. They are so sweet and protective of her. But they don't understand. How could they? I don't..........

When we went to leave, I leaned down to hug Ronnie. That is when I noticed he was emotional. This is not the norm for him. He is a typical guy. Very reluctant to show emotion. I knew he was hurting and scared, just as I was. I hugged him a second time. I whispered, "This is tough stuff....But we're gonna be okay"....He shook his head in agreement. It has to be okay. We HAVE to be okay. Reassurance of that fact came out of the mouth of an innocent child.....just minutes earlier.