"What's happening?": he asked in a response text.
"The cancer is growing": I typed back, with tears streaming my face.
"Stop thinking about bad stuff": he demanded
But, how could I avoid it??????
This morning I woke up feeling pretty good (physically). This pregnancy has really taken it's toll on me. I have really bad nights and worse mornings. But not this morning. I cooked the girls a good breakfast, sat down with them to eat, laughed and talked about different things, then did a learning activity with them. Nori's potty training is on track and Neva is doing great adjusting to nights in her own bed. I doted on their accomplishments as much as I could today. I tried to throw in a little bit of housework, but as usual it took a back seat to the girls. I spoke to mom on and off all morning and though we planned to go hang out with her after the girl's nap time, I longed to see her sooner. She sounded SO tired and just plain weak. She slept most of the morning away. I knew that she was supposed to keep Noah, so that Amber could take Brady to the dr., but I wondered if she would be able to get out of bed long enough to do so.
Soon, nap time was over and it was time for us to go see for ourselves how she was doing. I found out before I left, that she indeed DID wake up and had Noah. She sounded more vibrant with one of her little men there to keep her company. When I arrived, I was alarmed at her appearance. Though it had not been great, it was definitely worse today.
I told her that I was going to post this picture and comment on her obsession with over sized clothing. This hoody was too big for her 40 lbs ago.
As usual, the kids are congregating around Gammy. It was too cold outside for her today, so I encouraged the kids to play inside.
Nori is using her little doll brush to "fix Gammy's hair" here. Mom got a big kick out of this. Nori has really took notice to the fact that mama doesn't have any hair. It's like she's seeing it for the first time.
Yeah, yeah, I know...I should have cleaned her Cheetoh face and got rid of the red-eye before posting this one. It's still good, though.
Best buds...(at least they were this particular moment)
Josh's new shoes....
I took her some left over chicken spaghetti and made her promise that she would eat it. At almost 4:00 she had still not taken any of her medicine. So, I laid it all out and watched her take it. I also replaced her pain patch. She complained about some excessive coughing, but before I gave her some liquid morphine (the only thing that helps), I called Hospice to make sure it was okay. She was wearing a patch, she had taken a pain pill, the last thing I want to do is OD her, or cause some sort of reaction. I ended up speaking to Malorie Kitchens, a Hospice nurse that I know from my days at The Children's Academy. She is a wonderful mother, and from what I have heard, an equally attentive nurse. She assured me that, though the morphine might lower mom's respirations, it wouldn't hurt her otherwise. After Josh arrived, I kept encouraging her to go to bed, but she wouldn't go. She looked exhausted.
My aunts, forever on a quest to find mama's cure, mentioned to me about someone that they spoke to online. Supposedly, she has the EXACT same case as my mom. She has the same cancer, has taken the same medicines, and was about to stop chemo, just as my mom has. She heard about some old chemo and told her doctor she wanted to try it. According to my aunts, this girl is now cancer free. They asked me Wednesday to try and get my mom to try it. "She will listen to YOU, she won't listen to US", my aunt Sharon said. I responded the same way I have in the past. I told her I would not ENcourage or DIScourage my mom either way. I have watched my poor mama lose weight (too much weight), all of her hair, a ton of skin, almost all of her energy, her drive and that beautiful spark that once absolutely defined my mama. All thanks to chemo, radiation, and the cancer itself. I cannot and will not ask her to put anything else in her body that will make her feel worse than she already does. The fact is, she WILL listen to me. I know that if Ronnie, Josh or I asked her to, she would try anything. That is precisely why I WON'T do it. I want my mom to do with HER life, HER body, HER remaining time (ever how long it may be) whatever SHE wants. I will not taint her decision with my opinion. I cannot feel what she feels, so my opinion is not educated enough to voice. This is not "giving up". This is trusting my mom. My mom has spent 9 months enduring pain and sickness that most cannot imagine. I have watched her vomit on herself, double over with pain, cough until she pulls muscles, cry like a baby and sleep countless hours. She has been told that her life will end in a year. Yet she gets up every morning, puts a smile on for us kids and puts one foot in front of the other. She hasn't gave in to anything. She has fought tooth and nail and blown my mind every step of the way. I believe, if she chooses to never take another chemo or medicine again, that she is STILL fighting, just in a different way. I assured my aunt that I would mention the chemo to her. So I did. Mom responded with "some people are just blessed. There are miracles out there. I still think I could be one of them. I am not closing any doors, but I don't believe that chemo will give me my miracle". I respected her answer. "I just don't want it to be said that me, Ronnie and Josh let you give up, mama. I want you here. More than anything. I have not gave up on you and I never will" I said with a cracking voice. "I know that, Nikki. I CHOSE to stop the chemo. Not because anyone told me to. I have not gave up. I make my own decisions. No one can make me do anything. Ya'll will always know that in your hearts" she responded matter of factly. Of course hearing about a "miracle drug" had caused conflict in my heart, so I felt better hearing her words. I have said this before, I will say it again. I respect my family's attempt to "save" my mom with their researching. I support it. I find it very sweet. However, I CANNOT force my mom to do something that could taint her remaining time--just to make ME feel better. When I think about regrets, I know, with certainty I will NEVER regret allowing my mom to make her own decisions.
Later on, she told me that she was pretty certain that the pain she is feeling was from cancer. She feels that it might be growing. She admitted that this pain was unlike any she has really experienced before. She said it is like a huge bruise inside if her upper abdomen. "Mama, I have been asking for days what was wrong, and you kept telling me 'nothing', why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "I kept hoping it would go away", she admitted. Though she put on a confident face and played with the kids to the best of her ability, I know my mama. I KNOW that she is scared. I haven't seen her this way the entire time. I am scared as well. I need her. Now and forever. My heart is broken. She knows her body better than anyone else. If she thinks this is happening, it probably is. I don't know if I can accept this.
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