Deal or No Deal

I stared at her sitting in the chair at Dr. Pimperl's office. My previous anger was replaced by guilt and fear. She is skinny and weak. I noticed her sway when she stood up. Her blood pressure read 81/69. As we waited for the dr., she reached over and grabbed my hand and whispered "I'm sorry" with a trembling lip and her eyes closed. I could tell she felt horrible. "Don't be sorry, mom." I whispered back.When he walked in, he explained our options. The side effects of the radiation are effecting mom worse than average. Because of this, he refused to do radiation until her vital signs were stronger. More than this, she had a decision to make: Continue radiation (and facing the horrible side effects) or stop radiation (and face possible cancer growth).........

Since I last posted, things have progressively gotten worse. Mom has been completely unable to eat or drink. She says she is trying her best, but I find myself doubting this. I have tried making her potato soup, I went and got jello, pudding, Popsicles, chocolate ice cream, and lots of other soft foods. Nothing works. She asked for some meal replacement drinks (similar to ensure) and I picked them up. She didn't like the taste. Her throat and taste buds are completely burnt up. Foods that she used to adore, make her sick when she feels the texture on her tongue. The nausea is better, but I believe that's only because her food and drink intake has dramatically decreased. Dr. Pimperl said that if she continued on this path, (not eating and drinking) she WOULD end up in the hospital. This could lead to an increased risk of developing other infections due to her lowered immunity. A hospital stay could be very detrimental for mom's health. The only way to end the side effects (making it easier for her to eat and drink) is to end the radiation. But ending radiation before the full therapy is over, can be very detrimental as well. After receiving a 2 hour IV of fluids, she went home Monday with a decision to make.

Tuesday when she went to Dr. Pimperl's office, she announced her decision. She wanted to fight the side effects and continue treatment. I was so proud of her. Worried, but proud. But unfortunately, with a BP of 90/69 he REFUSED to do radiation, again. He told her if she didn't feel any better by today (Wednesday), not to worry about coming. She didn't feel better, so she didn't go. I am sitting here in her living room now. While she sleeps on the couch and the girls sleep in her bed, I find myself wondering what tomorrow holds. I am so scared. I see pictures of my mom around the house. She is healthy and smiling with meat on her bones and a full head of hair. When I glance toward the couch I see a frail frame with a sad, tired face and an almost bald head. I miss her.  I miss her SO much. At this point, I don't know what I hope for: Continued radiation to fight the cancer OR a break from the scary side effects. Is there any choice that actually results positively?

Life Saver, Anyone?

I am swimming in a salty ocean comprised of my own tears. The night is dark but the water is darker. As my last little bit of light fades on the horizon, I am blinded by my own fears. I spend my time battling each wave of difficulty and anger with all my might. But the relentlessness of the ocean forces the waves to continue crashing against my body. I feel myself losing momentum. I feel myself losing my fight. I am gasping with panic. All of my effort is now being put toward keeping my face above the water........


I have been lost in a world of anger, promising to cause future regret. The last couple of days mom has been down. Really down. So I am too. It is painstaking to watch her eat two bites, struggle to swallow, then vomit soon after. She has not been drinking. She says that EVERYTHING hurts. While I want to be sympathetic and understand, I just don't. I, unwillingly, have allowed some anger to build up inside my heart again. I am mad at everything and everyone. Even mom. I don't understand. She cannot eat, but she continues to smoke. What is it with this drug? Why can she not defeat it? She is fighting her cancer like a mortal enemy threatening to take her livelihood. But the "friend" that knowingly invited the enemy over, is still her friend. I just don't get it. I know that, never having been in her situation, I cannot say what I would or would not do. Neither can anyone else. All I know, is my anger persists. But it's not just the smoking that infuriates me. I am mad that she is losing weight. I am mad that she cannot hold her meds down some days. I am mad that she sleeps alot. I am mad that she cant play with my kids. I am mad that I have to tell them in the car, before we get out at mom's house "be gentle with Gammy, she has ouchies".  I am infuriated that she got her little dream car, but only drives it to radiation appointments. I am SOOOO mad that my mom is sick! I cannot begin to imagine going through what my mama's going through. Sick. Tired. Battling a 30 yr habit that has brought you to an unfortunate destination. To wake up in the morning feeling like you're fighting a losing battle. But she battles on. Each day is a fight for her. A literal FIGHT. Things that come easy to you and me, like walking to the bathroom, cooking breakfast, talking on the phone, these are all difficult tasks for her. But she continues to fight. I am so proud of her for that. I often wonder, that if I was in her situation,  would I be so strong? Would I give up? I like to think "no". But what I see her do everyday is HARD. She is the strongest person I know. I hope I have enough of her in me, to make me fight like that, when needed. She is so motivated to beat this thing. I don't know what it feels like to be her. I only know what it feels like to be the daughter. And it's horrible. The tears stream my face as I type tonight, or this morning, trying to find some relief. I cannot waste another second feeling anger toward her. We all know how valuable these seconds are. What is wrong with me? Why is the anger back? Aren't there stages that you go through? I thought I was past the angry stage. I will never be mean to my mom. But the person I could talk to about AIR, I have had to just force myself to make conversation with for 2 days now. I left her house today, in a whirlwind, unable to watch her cough until she vomited even once more.  I will NEVER be mean to my mom. I will NEVER "blow up" on her with a volcano of emotions like I once did in the beginning of this. I learned quickly that this gets me nothing but regret. So, I kissed her. I told her I loved her. That's just how I was raised. And I left. I was already worried about her by the time I was backing out of the driveway, but I knew I must leave. Though I tried to hide it, my negativity was apparent. I am so devastated about her condition that I literally cannot view it. When I am there I stare at the tv, my phone, or keep busy to avoid eye contact with her frail frame. I spend my minutes WITH her feeling helpless and broken. I spend my few minutes AWAY from her, feeling lost and worried sick. I cannot be pleased. I know that the Nikki 6 months from now will be very angry with the Nikki from the last 2 days. She is selfishly taking valuable time away, by not keeping her emotions in check. I am already mad at her, and I am just mere hours beyond the actual behavior. I should not have left her with things so undone. I should never walk away from her with unspoken words, and I know this. I have fought these feelings so hard over the last 48 hours, to protect her from them. But she knows. I know as hard as I try to hide them, she can see right through me. She has not asked me, but I know she wonders what is wrong. Or perhaps she already knows. The feelings just crept up. I wasn't expecting them and they are not welcomed. But now that they are here, how do I rid myself of the unwanted company? I was relieved to have a good talk to with my older brother. For once IN LIFE, we are on the same page. He too, battles the anger that apparently accompanies having an ailing parent. It made me feel better, but not really. There is only one thing that can make me feel better. And I am so ready for that day. The day they announce mom's miracle. I pray for that day. That day, is my only life saver.

Broken

I had a dream this morning. I was in a dr's office and they told me I had cancer. They then told me I had a year to live. I started crying hysterically. My mom was there. Michael was there. My girls were there. My eyes went to each of them. Who will care for my mom? Will Michael remarry? I have so much I want to do with my time...How will I fit a lifetime into a year? Then my eyes landed on my two angels.......How will their lives be without me? Who will take my place? My babies need me! I can't leave! But I am so stuck....They can't fix me, they can't make it go away! I am so broken! .................I woke up dry heaving. I cried for a while, took some tylenol and tried to go back to bed. Laying there all I could wonder was "is this what mama feels about us?".....I mean, I know we are all adults. But to a mama, her children are always her babies. Is this how she feels when she thinks about leaving us? Of course, mine was just a nightmare. I woke up and it was over. She can't wake up. Her nightmare continues every day.

We went shopping yesterday to get mom some pants that fit. She has been walking around looking like a gang member, holding up her pants as she walks. I joke about it, but really, it makes me physically sick to see her so skinny. We left with size fours, but when I saw her wearing them today, they were baggy on her little frame. I feel like I am watching her waste away. The "lump" I told you about in my last post, has changed into excruciating pain in her throat. She doesn't necessarily feel like she is choking anymore, she just plain hurts. She has not put enough food in her body in the last few days to really even keep her alive. Mom said she took a bite of chicken the other night (before it got so bad) and screamed aloud in pain as it went down her throat. I made her a pot of chicken noodle soup last night, and watched in horror as she swallowed the broth. It was painful for me to witness...I can only imagine how she felt. She sleeps ALOT. It scares me. I stay on edge. I shake when the phone rings at night. I feel sick when I am not with her. I feel sad when I AM with her. Her skin on her chest is about 3 shades darker than the rest of her body. Her head is burnt and feels sore to the touch. This radiation is burning her little body up, inside and out. I rubbed her down w "radia-gel" today, hoping she would find some relief for her skin. After washing a few dishes and a couple loads of clothes, I left her house crying. I miss her and she's not even gone. The radiation is killing the cancer (we hope), but it's killing mom too.

I have to admit, I have been pretty down lately. I have been feeling alot of anger in my heart again. I don't like this feeling. I cried on the way home from her house today. I picked up my cellphone to call the person I ALWAYS confide in, but then realized it was MOM. Instead of fighting the urge like I always do...I actually called today. I had been gone from her house no longer than 5 minutes and I knew she was trying to get some rest...But I called anyway. I needed to talk to her about my anger, my fear, my pain....It was all building up inside of me. When she answered I hesitated, then asked "have you took your cough pill today?" It was a lame cop out, I admit. But I actually DID work up the courage to talk to her. She probably feels like it came out of nowhere. "I feel like I am alone"  I managed to bark out through my tears. Then out of my mouth, like a waterfall of truth came a buildup of thoughts and feelings from the last 6 months: "I have all these people going through this along side of me, but I feel utterly alone. I can't relate to any of them. We all think so differently. I cannot relate to anyone. I cant talk to YOU about YOU. I don't have anybody to talk to. I am so alone" (My part of the conversation was much lengthier than this, but it involves names and gets very personal---so I will skip it and get to her part) "Nikki, you can always talk to me. I am always here. You know that. You cannot let yourself get so worked up like this" (her part was much lengthier too). It was the first time I have really broke down in a LONG time. I don't really feel any better, but I realized that I was talking to the wrong person. As much as I would love to talk to my mom and her make everything better, like all the times in the past---she just can't this time. No one can. I know that her seeing me upset will not help anything. It will just make her more likely to hide things from me. That is the last thing that I want. I need an honest description of what she is feeling inside, so that I can know where we stand daily. I must find a way to vent these feelings without burdening her. I feel so broken. I wish I could wake up, again.

Tick Tock

Yesterday was a LONG day. Luckily it was one of few days that Michael was able to stay home for a while. So I didn't have to wake the kids up. I left them sleeping peacefully around 6am and headed to my mom's house. It would be very uncommon, for me to arrive at my mom's house and her ACTUALLY be ready....Today was not an uncommon day. I waited patiently as she slowly and sleepily moved through her house getting ready for her big day. It was the day she would receive the much anticipated 2nd opinion. Of course, this was not anticipated by mom. It was anticipated by her sisters. We, (Me, mom and Ronnie) took off toward Jackson around 7am. We stopped in Taylorsville to pick up mama's big sister--Patricia. We call her Punkin. Actually everyone does. Anyway, the trip was long yet full of conversation. Mom asked a couple of times "what do I even say to these people?" I knew she was not looking forward to this appointment. We had a little trouble finding the exact place we were supposed to go at the UMC Cancer Research Center, but we eventually found it and we were only ten minutes late! When we walked in and sat down in the waiting room I glanced around. It was quite possibly the saddest place I have ever been. It was full of cancer patients and their loved ones waiting patiently for help. For a cure. For a miracle. I found myself feeling sorry for all of them until my eyes completed their circle and landed on MY mom and MY family. We were no different than those other sad faces in the room. We, too, were putting our faith in the hands of the medical professionals employed by this hospital. How did I get here? How did WE get here? Will we ever escape? I felt my mood slip into a dark place. I was fighting tears. I am sitting in a cancer center with my mom. My skinny, shedding, scared to death mom, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix this. Her face was full of dread. I hated that we were there. I feared what we would hear. I thought they might want to experiment new drugs on my mom, or try new procedures on her. What would I say? Would I continue to keep my opinion to myself and just support her decision? The anxiety was killing me. Finally, we were called back into a room. We walked in, and right behind us was the deliverer of mom's second opinion, Dr. Puneky. He was friendly and from his description of his job history, he was very seasoned in the field of oncology. We immediately felt as though mom was in good hands.

The conversation was thorough. He asked every question you can think of. Then he referred to the notes that mom's Laurel Oncologists had sent over. Finally came his conclusion of my mom's situation: "Your dr is doing everything that I would do for you. She is giving you the same medicines that you would receive here, in the same order. As far as I can tell, you would receive the same care at MD Anderson as well". There it was. There was no miracle cure. No new drug. No anything. Just the same news followed by the same statistics that we have already heard. The next few minutes were a blur of various questions and answers. It basically wraps up like this:

Mom has a 5% chance of living 2 years. She has a 2% chance of living 5 years. She can always hope for a miracle from God, because they DO happen. Her cancer IS in the extensive stage, but it could be worse. Alot worse. She seems to look pretty good. The radiation can do wonders. The next chemo can too. All we can do is take one day at a time.

 Before we left, he admitted that mom's dr. seemed "sharp as a tack" and that mom was lucky to live so close to a great oncologist. Mom told him " I AM lucky. I LOVE my doctors. And I REALLY trust them". And just like that, the appointment was over. I was satisfied. I was disappointed. I wasn't surprised, but I kind of was. I asked mom if SHE was satisfied and she replied "I am. I really am.". She then confessed to Punkin that this appointment was for her and Sharon (the other aunt) and them alone. She wanted to give them peace of mind. "I hope this is what you needed to hear" she said to her big sister. Punkin thanked her. Hopefully hearing this dr speak cleared up all the questions and doubts that have been keeping the aunts up at night. Sadly it is not questions or doubts that keep me up at night. It is fear of the situation itself.  But now we have to move forward with the information that we know is true. We know the facts. We hope to not be a statistic. We pray to find a miracle.

After we left the hospital, we took mom to get her birthday present. After all, it had not been the best birthday ever. Sitting in a dreary hospital is hardly a good time. So we made up for it over the next couple of hours......

Cross this one off the bucket list......She got her dream car! It only took 49 years!

It is good to see these two smiling and letting loose. Today one of mom's dreams came true. I was honored to be a part of it. I wish her baby sister Sharon had been there too. She loves her sisters so much! And her brother too, of course!  AND HER NEW CAR!

Check out that smile! She has been a bit self conscious, so I was SO proud to see her throw off her hat, open the sun roof and let that hair whip in the wind! We left it all behind us, the hospital, the cancer, even Ronnie and Punkin!

In a split second your life can change forever. One minute you are healthy and the next you are told that you have a year to live. One minute your mom, and best friend is never leaving you, ever. The next, you have to face the fact that she is only human. One minute life is so certain and the next you find yourself unable to predict anything. One minute you are in a hospital listening to a stranger tell you what he thinks your future will hold. The next, you're spending your birthday driving with the windows down in the car you've dreamed of your entire life.

How will you spend your minutes?

We Got 'Er

My apologies for my lack of updating you on mom's condition. It has been a busy few days and I have found it difficult to blog. She is okay. Not great. She is still sleeping most of the day away. Her radiation to the brain and lungs continues on for a little over a week from now. Side effects have been horrible. The fatigue is unreal. She cannot stay awake for long periods of time. The lady that once breezed through a 10 hour day on her feet, sometimes spends less than an hr per day on her feet. She is not used to being so inactive, and I think it saddens her sometimes. Other side effects include: chest pain, increased coughing, heaviness in her chest, and what feels to be a "lump" in her throat (that is how she describes it). This relentless lump makes it hard for her to swallow her food without feeling like she is choking. So her appetite (to my dismay) has been greatly effected. I am so proud of her, because she is fighting this thing so hard. She makes herself eat something everyday, though it hurts, just so her body can receive nourishment. She takes her medicine on time everyday. And she has been loyal to her radiation appointments. Her spirit is upbeat and commendable. But her little body, it breaks my heart to see her so physically down. I keep telling myself that there are good days and bad days. These are the bad days. But the good days are coming back, I just know it. After the appointment with Dr. Pimperl that I told you about, he spoke with Dr. Penland and together they decided that it might be best for mom to get that second opinion that she asked about. They took the liberty of making her an appointment at UMC tomorrow at 9am. The optimist in me looks forward to other treatment options and possible cures. But the protector in me wants to shield my mom from the exact same diagnosis again. It is not easy to hear that your mom may die in a year. But I KNOW it's worse hearing that you--YOURSELF may lose your life in a year. To know that you have NO control over what's happening inside your body. To listen to devastating news twice in one lifetime. I want to take her and put my hands over her ears to protect her heart from any more pain. I know she yearns to watch us go through life. To watch her grandchildren grow and to meet future grandchildren. To dance at Ronnie's wedding. Watch Neva and Nori cheer as Noah and Brady play football. But this diagnosis is a constant reminder that she may never see those things. Tomorrow, I fear we will be delivered the same sad news, but from a new face in a new facility. The pessimist in me wants to refuse to take her. But the daughter in me, knows that I have to.

Saturday, my brothers and I threw mom a surprise birthday party in honor of her 49th year here on earth. I have always pictured myself throwing mom a big 50th birthday blowout surprise party, but in lieu of all the negative things happening, I though she could use some positivity. As far back as I can remember, birthdays have been a big deal in our family. Even though we didn't have money, we got a cake, our favorite meal, and the family was going to sing happy birthday whether you wanted it or not. That is just how it is. Of course, since I have been "of age", I have done the same for mom. Sometimes we would "surprise" her when she got off work with food and cake and a gift or two. But nothing we have done thus far compared to this little party that we gave her on Saturday. Everyone was there, hugging and showing my mom love. She so needed it. She needed to know that just because she is very confined right now, the community still loves her, misses her and prays for her. When she walked in that room, and the whole crew of family and friends yelled "Surprise!" That big ole smile came out. We don't see it too often anymore. I was so glad it decided to come out and play. She hugged every neck in the room. There was delicious food (brought by friends and family), a beautiful song sang by a kind soul, and a slide show highlighting mom's life, so far. Everyone laughed and loved. And she got so many presents! The poor thing never gets fun stuff for herself. It was nice to see her opening gifts. She got clothes and shoes and hats and decorative items for her house. Her favorite present was a picture from a childhood friend. Looking back at her from the photo was a young teen, healthy and full of life. She teared up at the sight of herself and the memory of that day. In that same bag was a record, (not a CD people, a RECORD) of "Drift Away" by Dobie Gray....My mom's favorite old rock song. She smiled so big glancing at this inexpensive, yet incredible gift from the heart. There is no better gift for my mom, than the gift of time travel. The night was a success. She was elated and exhausted. She kept saying "y'all got me....Y'all got me good". We DO have her.....and it IS good... Great actually.

My dear friend Amber took pictures at the party. I will share them with you very soon......

Pray for our visit tomorrow.....

The End Is Near?

Today started with my calling mom to make sure she was awake for her radiation appt. Being awake at 8am would not be a big deal 6mos ago. Even on her days off she was up before daylight drinking a whole pot of coffee. However, recently, I have seen mom wake up and go right back to sleep within minutes and sleep an entire day. So I HAD to make sure. She thought she was going alone today. She requested to go alone. But the girls and I were right behind her. Kids, once again, are not allowed, so we waved through the glass at mom and her fellow sick friends. She looked surprisingly good. Great actually. Then we told mom to meet us at the Donut Shop when she was done. 20 min and several calories later, I started to get worried. Really worried. It literally only takes 5 minutes to get radiated. Where is she? I started worrying that something went wrong. I started calling and texting. But no response. My sister in law(Jamina)  showed up at the shop and offered to keep the girls so I could go check. It was in that moment that I remembered that she sees the Dr. on Thursdays at THIS clinic. So many clinics, so many things to remember.

Her car whirled into the parking lot soon after this revelation. She came in a with a new found vibrance. She recapped the conversation she had just had with the dr. She told the dr. the contents of yesterday's appt. She explained that she was SO blown away that she didn't ask the obvious questions "Is my timeline shorter? Is that why we are discussing this?". He didn't exactly know why we had had that conversation. He admitted that those are things that need to be discussed. But not now. Mom has ALOT of fight left in her. He knows that by comparing her emotional/physical state to other patients in her shoes. He said she looked GREAT for what she was going through. And he believes there is NO reason to think her time will shorten due to this "drawback". However, it is NOT a good sign that the cancer has started growing back this quickly. Not good at all. This could mean alot of not-so-great things----but NOT NECESSARILY. She asked him about getting a second opinion. He recommended a couple different places to her and explained the pros and cons of each. Mom is not interested in seeking this opinion. But she is doing it for others. I am not in love with the idea of her doing these types of things for other people, not even us (me, Ronnie and Josh). I want her to make decisions for HERSELF. She is the one feeling the effects of these decisions. She says she doesn't want anyone to think "if we had just............she might be here today". I assured her that after our long talks, we (me, Ronnie and Josh) will not feel that way. I made her promise that her FINAL decision to put whatever in her body, would be hers and hers alone. Not biased by ANYone else. She promised. I still worry, but that is all I needed. Well, I also needed to hear those great things that Dr. Pimperl said today. It was nice to hear that all that scary stuff we spoke about yesterday was just talk---not the immediate future. He's right, my mom does have alot of fight. Enough to beat this thing. That's right....I STILL think KNOW she can!

We spent the rest of the afternoon in Taylorsville. It was a page straight out of our happy little lives 6 mos ago. Before we got there,  Mom made the aunts promise they would NOT talk about cancer. Without that topic in the air, the conversation was GREAT! The visit was fun! We all laughed and joked and it was just like old times! I couldn't help but dwell on how GREAT mom looked. We drove by Papaw's old house, and that is never easy. I wanted to whirl in the driveway and go see what he had cooked and get the girls some ice cream to snack on. But I knew things were different. Things are different everyday. I almost can't keep up with all the changes. A quick trip by the cemetery ended our wonderful day. I drove mom back to her car and she took off.

Seeing her stay up over half a day was incredible. Yesterday, between mom's condition and that horrible conversation we had to have, I thought the end was near. But now, I know she has  NO timeline. There is NO TIMELINE. There is only today. And my mom is here today. Thank God for today.

Tough Stuff

I have been having a difficult time lately. Mom has been okay....Not great. She is sleeping 3/4 or more of the day away. The dr. says that she needs this rest. He encouraged her to be somewhat active, but not to the point that it makes her more tired. That's a tough thing to do. Just about everything wears her out. I have been at her house most all day everyday. It is hard to watch her sleep. She is so pitiful. She puts on a weak smile when she wakes up. She even musters up the strength to "play" with the kids. This play usually consists of her talking to them or singing to them while still laying down. The kids don't understand what is happening to their Gammy. Or their mommy.

Dr. Pimperl has been radiating mom's chest AND brain at the same time. This is double the toxicity, double the fatigue, double the various side effects. We had an appointment with Dr. Penland today. It consisted of some difficult conversation that I was not even remotely ready for. Most people with mom's cancer have about 3-6 mos of the cancer not moving. Mom's started back moving in three weeks. So, in two weeks (after radiation ends) we will begin a new type of chemo. Mom is already experiencing some symptoms that are reminiscent of the beginning of all this, when the cancer was at it's largest (difficulty breathing, heaviness in her chest, etc.), so we are worried more cancer could be on the move. If the symptoms continue, mom may have to have chemo and radiation at the same time. This will be VERY hard on her little body.

Today we discussed things that the Dr. needed to know. Hard things. Things I try not to think about. Things I didn't think I would HAVE to think about for a LONG time. I was crying through the entire conversation. Who will care for my mom if/when the treatments completely stop working? I told her I would be moving in with mama to care for her if she needed it. I could not figure out (still can't) why we had to talk about this today....Why? I couldn't stop crying. Mom commented on my being super emotional and Dr. Penland countered with "Brenda, she's losing her mom. It's not easy." That was a heartbreaking comment to hear. I'm not REALLY losing her, am I? I thought things were just tough, but they would get better....right? The conversation rocked on, and Mom told her "I will see Nikki's baby be born", Dr. Penland sighed and said "we'll try". This tore through my soul like a bull in a china shop. "We'll try"???? I thought she'd be here far past my baby's birth (which I figure will be in February).....What does she mean "We'll try"?? Is there actually a chance she won't be here? Seriously? The Dr. then spoke of "the end". Would mom want to be at home or in the hospital? Mom preferred home, but didn't want her house to carry a negative stigma for us after she passed. That is why she was leaning toward the hospital. I stayed quiet. This is uncharted territory for me. I don't even know what is happening right now. Who are these people and what are they saying? Dr. Penland assured mom that she has seen this many times and families find more comfort and closure at home. Mom agreed to this plan. Dr. Penland closed with "These things are hard. We are not there yet, but I need to know these things". This conversation left me completely broken and dumbfounded. Why are we even discussing this stuff? Mom's going to get better, right? We left the clinic quiet and lost in thought. I barely said "bye" to her. Just a quick hug and a "I love you". This is not where I thought we'd be right now.

Mom went straight over to radiation. I stopped by Shipleys to get my girls and have a breakdown. Michael held me tight and fought back his own tears. Neva said nothing. Nori repeated "I love you mama, - MUCH!" over and over. They just kissed their sad mommy repeatedly. At one point we were all four hugging in Michael's office and I was sobbing aloud. The girls and I left to go meet mom as she walked out of her radiation appt. I may be sad, but she needs me. This has got to be hard for her too, even if she acts all tough. I HAVE to be there for her. She could tell by my face that I was having a hard time with the contents of todays appt. Though she was not crying, I could tell she was too. She has this look to her when she is sad or scared. I know it like the back of my hand. She is quiet too. We sat in the parking lot and she told me "it's not over, Nikki.....I'm NOT giving up". I told her that I regret nothing, but I sure never thought when I decided to get pregnant, that there would even be a small chance that she would not be there". She repeated "I'm not going anywhere right now Nikki". We then went to the park and to Shipleys to have lunch. There wasn't alot of conversation. I guess I am more like her than I thought. I, too, found it hard to make conversation. I asked her if she was sad and she said " I have mixed emotions". I asked if she was ready to look at other options and she said "I don't want to waste my remaining time". We agreed to not discuss the contents of todays appointment or believe any of the bad stuff. She says all of her faith is in the Lord. I am so scared.

This is entirely too hard to write about. Please pray.

Complicated Excitement

Things are alot more complicated in my life than I have let anyone know. I have been keeping a secret from you, my mom, both our families.......everyone! I have known for a couple months. Actually, more like 3. So, here it is. There is a reason I have gained a few pounds. It's not just my nerves that have had me vomiting recently. My fatigue isn't actually from depression. I am approximately 18 weeks pregnant. Before you ask---and I know SOMEONE will....YES, it was planned. Now before you judge me for making this decision when I am already in an extremely difficult situation, hear me out.

Michael and I knew we wanted a big family after we received Neva. This parenting thing is hard, but we are pretty good at it and we just so happen to enjoy it. Yes, life is stressful with a 3yr old and a 1yr old. Sometimes I feel like I might pull my hair out, but it is still in tact (some of it). It is a happy kind of stress. We had our kids close together, because we wanted them to be close. It was our plan to have three kids no longer than 2 years apart. We had been discussing trying for our third (and final) when my mom got sick. I put it on the back burner to care for my mom. But that urge or "baby fever" was still in my heart and mind. I pictured a third baby 3-4 years apart from Nori, unable to fully relate on the special level that Neva and Nori do to one another. I spoke to my mom. It was a heart felt conversation that I will never forget. Because of the sentimental nature of the words spoken, I prefer to not share ALL of the details with anyone. I WILL tell you, that my mom told me not to make any decisions based on her or her situation. Not to change any plans for her. She also added that if the Dr's were correct, our time was limited and since she had held my hand for the first two deliveries--she would LOVE to hold my hand for the third. She wanted to meet my baby. That was all I needed. I spoke with her oncologist next: "will there ever be a point in time that my mom won't be able to be around kids or infants?" The answer was no. She was encouraged to spend her time with ALL of her family. Michael and I discussed it THOROUGHLY and we began trying. I realized I was pregnant on June the 8th, but didn't tell my worrier mama until this past Friday. Of course she already knew....She had BEEN asking me. I assured her I was just gaining a little weight. But mama knew... I found it the best time to tell her Friday. It was the worst day ever. Why not sprinkle a little happy news on top? Of course, the main thing, was I wanted to give my mom the opportunity to say "I KNEW IT!!!!" (her favorite thing to say). I tried to let Neva deliver the news, but when I told her "tell Gammy mommy has a baby in her tummy" she freaked out. It was the first she had heard of it. I couldn't tell her before, because she is VERY verbal and she would have blown my cover. But, breaking it to her so fast, then expecting her to calmly deliver the news to her Gammy was a BAD idea. She followed me to mom's room saying "where's the baby?!? Who is it?!? Who's baby is it?!?!"  And that's how mom found out. "You're pregnant? I KNEW IT!!!!" That was the response I expected. She was tired, scared and in a tremendous amount of pain, but she smiled SO big and hugged me. "I'm happy for you", she said in a weak voice. She then did her usual, and jumped on the phone with the aunts. Later Nori was in mom's lap and my little baby (who can't say some of the easiest words) says to her Gammy "Mammy, I'm pwegnant" as clear as day. (Perhaps I chose the wrong delivery person.) Mom laughed and laughed.

So now here I am. I don't for a second believe mom's timeline but I do think about it. I worry constantly. I want her there with me so badly. I want her to meet my baby. There are people out there, whose parent's never got to meet their children. I think they would agree with my decision to go forth with our family plans. If there is even a small chance the dr's are right about mom, why would I wait? When things started moving faster than we expected Friday, I became overwhelmed by visions of a sad delivery room, minus a very special person. A very needed person. I don't regret my decision to get pregnant, however I do wish things were different. I wish this wasn't hanging over all of our heads. I cried to mom yesterday (Saturday) and told her I needed her there. "I WILL be there", she assured me. "I will hold your hand and I will keep the girls until you get out of the hospital". What comforting words. I believe her.

Help the Helpless

Brother Robby, with his arm around me and Nori, stood praying for our family and the news we were about to receive. He had minutes earlier been sitting on my mom's bed, talking with her and soothing her fears. He spoke of mom's situation during his prayer. He spoke of how he hoped it would all get better, but he prayed our lives and surrounding lives would be touched in the process. I found it hard to stop my nose from running with my head down, so I lifted it only to cry harder at the sight of both of my brothers cheeks covered in tears as they listened to him pray for our mom. I wasn't the only one scared. Yet I feel so alone. So helpless. Can prayer really help us? Oh please let it...

The events of the last day and a half have forever changed our lives. I am laying here awake on mom's living room floor at 2:00am crying, wondering why us? what I am going to do? I am listening closely to the sound of her breathing down the hall and making sure she doesn't need me. I have been in her room every hour (sometimes more) to monitor her fever and check her face for swelling. She is finally resting well, so that's good. She hasn't had hardly anything to eat all day because the extreme pain in her chest is reminiscent of heart burn combined with a weight sitting on her and it renders her pretty much unable to eat. I am petrified. I am heart broken. I am unfixable.

I left my house yesterday in a panic. I was waiting for my husband to get home, so I could go and physically check on mom. She had been complaining with a headache over the phone, so I was very concerned. She had her very first whole brain radiation treatment yesterday, so I felt this horrible headache was no coincidence. Michael was due home any minute, when I decided to call one last time to check on her. She informed me that the pain was so excruciating that she felt she needed to go to the ER. I desperately left my kids with Ms. Becky (my mother in law), though she is not in any condition to be keeping them right now. Especially with Neva having a contagious high-fever illness. But when she heard my situation, she didn't hesitate. "Leave them here...They are fine". SO I listened. I knew that if MY MOM said "I need to go to the ER", she NEEDED to go. When I arrived at her house, I was alarmed at what I saw. One of her eye balls...The EYE BALL was swollen. It was protruding from her head. Her entire face was huge. But her eyes were unlike anything I have ever seen. It was horrific. We took off to the ER. The admissions process was swift. We were in the back in no time. We were pleased to see the same Dr. that has dealt with my mom through each ER visit. He is absolutely wonderful. He felt strongly that mom's problem's were brought on by radiation, but not caused by radiation. What I mean is, the radiation was not causing the pain, but it could have aggravated something that WAS causing the pain. He felt like it was a migraine or a really bad sinus infection. I confessed to him that I was concerned.....OVERLY concerned about brain swelling. He agreed to do a CT scan,to put our minds at ease. In the mean time, they brought in a pain medicine that sounded like this "delauded". (I am positive the spelling is wrong), I had never heard of it, so I asked the nurse. "This is the big daddy", she jokingly said "it doesn't get any stronger than this" she added as she shot it into my mom's body. I was glad she would finally have some relief. But now, there was a new concern on the table. Her chest was bothering her pretty bad. I secretly wondered if it was related to the "heaviness" she had described a couple days earlier. I found myself secretly cursing radiation for bringing us here. I was cursing myself as well for not listening to my instincts that kept telling me that radiation was a bad idea. She became loopy from the medicine immediately. Thank you God. You could see some of the tension relieved from her face. The CT results revealed that her sinuses were fine. However, there appeared to be a little bit of blood on the brain. The Dr. gave us a couple of options. We could go immediately to see a neuro-surgeon in Hattiesburg or we could watch her closely over night, and follow up with a family Dr. OF COURSE mom chose to go home. I had been receiving calls and texts from Michael the entire time updating me of Neva's condition. She had almost 104 fever and he was working adamantly to break it. I knew as we left the hospital that I had to make a choice between "watching mom" and going home to my sick daughter. Luckily, both of my brothers stayed with mom and I was able to see to Neva.

It was a sleepless night. I was texting ever so often to check on her. I was so worried about her brain. Little did I know, her brain had NOTHING to do with her problems. I immediately began calling both oncology clinics this morning looking for the FIRST Dr. that could see us. I dropped the girls off and we took off to Dr. Pimperl's office (the radiation Dr. ) After a quick examination and a look over last night's CT, he concluded that there was NOTHING wrong with mom's brain. The "blood" that the ER Dr saw was there, but it was inside of a tumor...This is common and not the same thing as "brain bleeding". He felt the issue was related to her chest. He told us what all it COULD be...From the simple explanation to the worst case scenario. When he told us the bad stuff it could be, I began to cry uncontrollably. Perhaps (as she was gripping her chest), mom was in too much pain to cry or maybe she expected this all along. She was so brave. I cried as we left the clinic and through the admissions process. I cried hysterically when they took her away for her CT. I prayed and cried. Several people stopped to ask if I was ok. I was praying aloud. When I heard them finishing up the test through the door, I ran to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Time to toughen up for mom. We went home to wait for the results.

Everyone was there. Even Michael came. It is not easy for him to leave his job. However it was equally difficult for Ronnie (a high school football coach) to be home on a Friday. We all waited in mom's bedroom for the results. Brother Robby came and left. It was a welcomed and much needed visit. But the fear still ached in our hearts. I looked around the room. It was sad but uplifting. My two brothers were laying in bed with mom. Amber rocked her little one from the foot of the bed. Michael and I sat on the floor. My girls were asleep in another room. With each ring of the phone, our hearts skipped a beat. We, as a family, had a much needed conversation about options. I told mom that we could leave today and go ANYWHERE she wanted to go. The sky is the limit. "I don't want to be away from my family" she said bluntly. We told her we would follow her wherever she went. "I am not going around the world chasing a cure that doesn't exist. I trust my Dr.s here. They are doing all they can do. I am putting my life in the Lord's hands". I asked "mom, are you settling for second best to please us or anyone else?" (this is something that has been said to me lately and it had me wondering). She responded quickly: "what?? I am pleasing MYSELF. This is what I want. I MAY change my mind later, but for now, I want to be here". We all respect her decision.

Finally, when we could no longer handle the anxiety of the situation, I called the clinic for results. It was the worst case scenario. I couldn't believe what my ears were hearing. Apparently, just 3 short weeks since mom's last chemo cycle, the cancer in her chest has started growing. This is much faster than either oncologist expected. The cancer is pressing on a vein to her heart that is forcing it to "back up" and cause  the swelling and discomfort in mom's head. They told us in the beginning they would only radiate mom's chest if it was a "life or death" or "quality of life" situation. Well, they wanted to radiate her chest immediately. I didn't ask what category mom fell in. I am hoping "quality of life". I delivered the news to mom and my brothers. Everyone was strong. It was the hardest thing we have been through to date. Her brain cancer now takes a back burner to her much more urgent lung cancer.

The rest of the day is a blur of signing consent forms and listening to possible side effects that are equally as scary as the cancer itself. My aunts made the trip from Taylorsville to comfort us. I watched her on that monitor once again. I had to remind myself that the radiation had not caused mom's recent ailments. It actually might have led them to find the source of her problem a little quicker. I watched my mom laying there on that table. She is just so pitiful. There is nothing I can do. I asked the Dr. if (statistically speaking) the other cancers in her body would follow in this cancer's footsteps. He gave me a very unclear answer. I know these things differ from patient to patient. Perhaps I don't WANT to know the answer.

So now, here I am. With my sick little girl in tow. My little toddler that doesn't understand why things are so different. As much as they love Gammy's house, and any other time they would BEG to be here. Turns out it is not as fun when she is confined to the back room, so they keep asking to go home. They keep asking to see her, so I have to remind them that "gammy has ouchies right now". My heart is feeling broken and lost. Why can't this all just stop? What did we do? It just keeps getting worse. I need my mom. Now more than ever. I am devastated. I have pictured myself in this situation in the past. I worried my mom would get sick. But, in my fears, modern science always had an option. I don't remeber worrying that there would be no cure. There IS NO cure. We are stuck. There is no help out there. All we have is our faith to lean on now. Please help us God.

R-Day

Today was a day that came with much dread from all of us. None more so than my mom. we found out (as I was about to leave) yesterday that radiation would begin today. We knew it was coming. It has actually been postponed a couple days for this reason or another. But I think we were all expecting the weekend to come and go before we actually had to undergo this scary ordeal. When the call came in, the look on mom's face turned to fear. After a full night of Neva running 104 fever, I knew that she needed to see a dr. So I called Amber and asked her to go make sure that mom was up and getting ready for her appointment (because I would not be able to pick her up). I knew, as scared as she was, I needed to find a way to be there for her. We found out that Neva has the very contagious Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. So sadly, the kids will be unable to be around mom for a couple days--again. Usually adults have been exposed to this illness and are not at great risk, but our pediatrician recommended that in mom's fragile state--we give it a couple days. Luckily, Michael was able to watch the girls in town for a min while I went to support mama at her very first radiation appointment.

I was worried that she would be late without me there to gripe at her about being on time. But she showed up RIGHT on time, with company.

There were alot of things working against her here. She has to lay flat on a hard table. Since she has been sick, laying flat makes it very difficult for her to breathe. She is a bit claustrophobic so the mask that fits over her face (it bolts to the table), causes her to panic a bit. She cannot open her eyes, lick her lips, or anything because it is so tight. And the worst, her fear for what is about to happen to her. She was crippled by fear.

She was shaking. I asked Josh to hold her hand while I commemorated her first session.The staff is wonderful, but this is one scary place.

He didn't let go, until he had to. We all love our mama so much and need her as much as when we were kids. It was nice having Josh there today. His and Ronnie's schedules do not allow them to make many appointments. The emotional support was welcomed.

Radiation is dangerous. So we had to leave the room. We watched her on this little monitor in an adjacent room. When the therapist hit the button to begin the radiation I started to cry. All I could see was her little body laying there, scared and helpless. Trusting that she was in good hands. Your brain is YOURS. It is not everyday that you have to trust it in someone else's possession. It was truly the scariest moment since mom has been sick. She had been having second thoughts--at this moment so was I. I was tempted to yell "stop!" and carry her straight to my car.

About 5 min later, it was over. I couldn't wait for them to get her off that table. My heart was breaking for her.

If you doubted for a second how tight and uncomfortable her mask was, check out her indentions. Her face has been swelling for a while as a side effect of her medications. You have probably noticed this is some of the photos I have posted. The swelling only added to her discomfort. She tried to put on a smile for me.......

I can't go to her house until I have a babysitter. But, I have spoken with her several times and I am very concerned about a headache she has had since radiation today. She has not been having headaches, so we find ourselves blaming radiation, although the staff at the clinic says that one treatment should not result in any pain. Usually headaches are a sign of a swelling brain, but are accompanied by blurred vision and dizziness, nausea and vomiting. She only has the headache, but I am out of my mind worried. I feel like I am not there for her and it's driving me crazy. She was laying down for a nap earlier, so I haven't tried to call. But as soon as Michael gets here, I am headed over there to check on her. I won't rest until I know she's okay. This radiation stuff is really, really scary.

Memory Bank Deposit

Monday afternoon (after the Fright Night incident on Sunday), Nori had a seizure. It was due to high fever. It was absolutely the scariest thing I have ever seen. We spent, yet another, night in the ER. The dr. concluded that the chances of her having another seizure were very slim. We were to continue rotating fever reducers and taking the antibiotic. We followed up with her pediatrician and she agreed. Nori is doing great now. We purposefully avoided seeing my mom to protect her from the germs. It has been hard, because even before my mom was sick I saw her most everyday. Since she's been sick I have seen her most every minute. Being away was tough on us all. It was only two days, but at one point mama was speaking through a cracking voice over the phone declaring " I WILL NOT go without seeing my grand babies...I won't!" She understood I was trying to protect her, but she didn't agree. Luckily 48 hrs went by and a couple doses of antibiotic, so we felt comfortable visiting her today. I called her and told her to get dressed and we would pick her up for "operation: fun day for the girls". She hesitated slightly, so I asked if she felt alright. She admitted that she had some heaviness in her chest and a shooting pain in her ribs. I decided to just go see her instead. When I got there she was dressed and ready to go. Of course, I was the one who hesitated this time. "Mama, do you need to go to the dr? Please tell me." She assured me that she WOULD tell me if she needed medical attention. I reminded her that without chemo, she has to be 100% honest with us about what she is feeling. This is no time to be tough. Her body could be trying to let her know what the cancer is up to in there. She promised if the heaviness persisted she would go to the dr. tomorrow. She then reassured me that she felt fine. So we took off!

Little Brady was sick and at his pediatrician's office in H-burg, so we shielded mom from him, while we picked Noah up at the clinic. Then we headed to Diddy Bops!

Nori wasn't so sure about it at first, but she eventually fell in love with it!

 

See what I mean?

 

I had to threaten her to get to her stop long enough to smile....But she gave me a split second and a big CHEESE!

The fun wasn't just for the kids...I looked up at one point and saw my "feeble" little mother climbing the ladder to this HUGE slide. Yes, that blur is her!

 

I worry too much and I know that. I was concerned that this was too much activity for her....But man, check out that smile...You should have heard the giggle that went along with it!

The kids were exhausted, so we grabbed a bite and headed to mom's house. She was still in good spirit and not too tired. Once the kids were down for nap, it was time to do some convincing.....

I FINALLY talked mom into letting me color her gray. Daniel usually does this, but mom doesn't have alot of hair, and isn't sure if the radiation will take the rest of it. She remembers to vividly the rainbow hair I sported as a self-dying teenager. So she was very hesitant to agree to let me do this at home. I would be lying if I said I didn't panic for a second when I saw it processing...It looked REALLY BLACK!

But it turned out great! She looks beautiful don't she?

When my girl's woke up, Neva felt warm. Her temp revealed 101. Not horrible, but alarming. We knew we needed to get away from mom, because if Neva's illness were contagious-it could really hurt her possibly even be fatal for her. So we took off. It wasn't easy ending such a great day in a panic, but I have to protect my mama. It is also not easy being away from her when I know how much she needs me right now ( AND I need HER). But I have to do whats best. When my kids are sick, I HAVE to steer clear of her. Luckily, I have really healthy kids (with the exception of the previous few days). With radiation coming up, she needs to be in the best possible health. But it was a fun day. I filled my memory bank with some beautiful thoughts.

Fright Night

I asked them separately, but both of their faces read the same. They were confused, surprised and hesitant to answer right away. I guess to them the question seemed to be out of nowhere. I guess my reaction seemed a bit severe as well. It's probably not everyday that parents breakdown like I did, over something like this. But still, I stood there, waiting for reassurance....Waiting for my answer. Hoping it wasn't like before. You're probably wondering what my question was and who I was asking. Well, first let me tell you about our night.

Yesterday was a good day. My mom hasn't been out of the house (other than Dr.'s appointments) for a LONG time. So, we(me and Amber) talked her into going to walmart and spending her recently received, very first, EBT Card (food stamps). Now, I have mentioned that my mom is very proud and was a bit ashamed when she went and applied for this much needed financial assistance. She is not one to ask for help. But, we keep telling her that if anyone deserves the help, it's her! So when she received her card, we were excited for her, and encouraged her to be excited as well. Yesterday seemed like a good day to go grocery shopping and escape the confines of her bedroom for a while. We ALL went! Me, Mom, Neva and Nori, Amber, Brady and Noah . It was raining, so I devised a plan involving temporary front door parking, an umbrella and fast running that would keep mama from getting wet. IT WORKED! Of course, Amber, the kids and I were soaked! But that was okay. It was nice seeing mama walk around and shop without hesitation. Without fear of spending too much. The kids were wild, but we had a great time and we didn't over-do it. Mama still felt good when we left. Tired but good. The girls and I dropped mom off at home then headed to our house. Their dad was ACTUALLY off work, and we were all going to spend some time together.

The girls went down for nap immediately after we got home and when they awoke, we took off to the yard to let them ride their little gator! It's their favorite thing. Neva's getting great at steering (when she's not putting on makeup behind the wheel ) and Nori's finally learned to hold on tight (it only took a couple "throw-offs"). It was cute and fun to watch them drive over to Michael's parents house and back. It was sprinkling a bit, but I thought that just made it MORE fun! I gave Nori a little tylenol, because she has SIX teeth coming in and she was running a low grade fever.....Or so I thought.....

A few hours later 99 turned into 101....More tylenol

An hour later 101 had jumped to 103.....It wasn't time yet, but I gave more tylenol. (I didn't have any ibuprofen). I also covered her body in cool rags.

I gave that dose plenty of time to kick in, and when it didn't, I jumped up and started getting dressed. We would have to go to the ER.

I called Amber around 9:30 and asked if she would meet me. If she was well, I would have called my mom. But she isn't and the ER waiting room is NO place for her to be. I didn't want to be alone, so Amber was the "lucky" victim of my desperate phone call. She didn't even think, she just said "I'll be there". Typical Amber. On my way there they issued a Tornado warning for Jones county at the very time I was on the road. I didn't let it stop me. My baby needed help. It takes alot more than wind and rain to stop a worried mama. The ER experience was MUCh different than the last one with Nori. The staff was wonderful and swift. Nori was not an emergency and I knew this. Still, we were treated thoroughly and promptly. There were several other patients in the waiting room, so we ended up being there around 3 and a half hours, but it could have been alot worse. My mom, Michael's mom and even Amber's mom were texting for updates the entire night. Oh, how I wish my mom could have been there. While we waited, I had the girl at the front desk take Nori's temp several times so I could monitor it. It took the entire 3 hours, but it finally came down to high 99. I toyed with the idea of leaving a couple times. Thinking maybe, just maybe, we could keep the fever down until Tuesday and go see Nancy or Dr. Chard at Laurel Pediatrics (the two most wonderful pediatricians in the WORLD). But Amber encouraged me to stay and wait it out. Allison Touchstone, FNP was treating Nori. She was friendly, compassionate and very, very thorough. Nori had NO symptoms other than fever. None. So after a strep test, a flu swab and a quick examination, for whatever reason, she decided to do a chest xray. I didn't understand why at the time. But I am so glad she decided to do it. The results revealed a pneumonia in Nori's left lung. Mrs. Touchstone took us in her office to tell us the news. We found out that Nori would not need to be admitted because it was small and in the beginning stages. I was blown away. I was thinking and ear infection...or strep...or both...Not pneumonia. She told us she would give Nori a shot right away, then write a prescription for an antibiotic. We were to followup with her pediatrician.

The diagnosis, though surprising, was simple enough, right? Wrong. When I heard "pneumonia", it struck a chord in my heart that would not let up until I asked the burning question in my mind. I couldn't control my tears, though I was trying to be strong in front of my sick little baby. I asked the nurse....Then the nurse practitioner....

I asked them separately, but both of their faces read the same. They were confused, surprised and hesitant to answer right away. I guess to them the question seemed to be out of nowhere. I guess my reaction seemed a bit severe as well. It's probably not everyday that parents breakdown like I did, over something like this. But still, I stood there, waiting for reassurance....Waiting for my answer. Hoping it wasn't like before.

"How do you know she doesn't have cancer?"

I know it sounds ridiculous. But it wasn't that long ago that I was told my mom had pneumonia and an antibiotic would clear it right up.

 I HAD to know.

They answered at separate times, but pretty much the same way. They didn't make me feel stupid about asking.

"Cancer is unlikely. This is typical with children this time of year." (that was pretty much the unified answer I received) It sounded correct, but my broken heart won't let me believe it until I see it.

I have continued to cry and worry since I heard the news. Nori's fever has spiked since we left the hospital, but the medicine seems to be keeping it somewhat under control. She is active and pretty much Normal Nori. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. That I don't have it in the back of my mind that worse news is to follow. But I am trying to not dwell on it.

There is no doubt that going through something like this with your mom, can cause some emotional damages....But I didn't know just how badly this had effected me until I found myself asking medical staff if my one year old could possibly have lung cancer. God bless all the parents with sick children. There is no worse feeling in the world than that of a helpless parent. My heart, as it aches with fear for my daughter, goes out to all of you.

Makeover Day

When we first found out mom was going to lose her hair it was the least of our worries. Mom thinks it might have been easier for her if she had just lost it all at once like most chemo patients do. Instead, she has lost it slowly over a period of 5 months. I thought this was a good thing, it gave her plenty of time to adjust. But on the contrary, hanging on to her hair this long gave her a false hope that she might not lose it after all. Though these last two treatments did not shrink the cancer, they did wipe out almost all of what was left of mom's hair. The woman who has been surprisingly okay with her hair loss, has been emotional the last couple of weeks watching the bald spots grow and the hair on her pillow increase. I won't lie and tell you it's been easy for us kids to watch. My mom has always had a beautiful, silky thick head of hair that most would envy. I remember, she would yell from the bathroom "Nik!, Come do somethin' with my hair!" I would go into the bathroom and while I fixed her hair we would laugh and talk and gossip. It has been a special everyday bonding moment since I was an early teen. Our trips to the salon were priceless. When I think about all those times it makes me sad. I know there are bigger issues at hand than hair loss, but we women are superficial. Well, men are too. Men LOVE long hair and women like to hide behind their luscious locks. We find our beauty and femininity in our hair. It's just been instilled in us.


Mom's hair was kind of blotchy, so we talked her into going to see our FAVORITE stylist, Daniel Wood @ The Hair After to kind of even it out.

We were hoping this would be up-lifting for her. Most trips to the salon are. unfortunately she was unusually quiet and sad faced the whole time.

I know my mom. And I knew this was very difficult for her. She didn't say so right away, but she didn't have to.

Daniel did a great job. She looked so much better! As we were leaving the salon Neva said "Gammy, you look like a man!" Of course mom laughed it off. But I know it hurt. I stuck my head in her car before she left and I said "mom you look pretty", she responded with a trembling lip and teary eyes "I don't feel pretty". Then she and Amber drove away. I sat in the parking lot of the salon for a while, then walked back in with my own trembling lip and teary eyes. Later Neva told me that Gammy was pretty. She has timing like her mommy.

You can't (in good conscience) tell someone "you don't need hair to feel pretty", when you,yourself have hair halfway down your back.

Kiss that stuff goodbye, baby!

No fear. Just excited to show mom her gift.

to the person that receives my hair (I donated it): sorry about the frizz......

My Sister in Law, Amber, recommended that I keep this mullet look. Luckily, Daniel kept cutting.

When I walked in her house to surprise her, this is what greeted me.....Felt good to see that big ole smile after all those tears a few hours earlier.

I had been crying a bit....But didn't Daniel do a good job? He truly is talented. AND soft hearted! He has been wonderful to my mom through her illness! When I got home, Neva said "Mama you look like a man!" then she said "You look like Gammy!" Then she said "You look like Aunt Sharon!" And lastly, (with her mommy's lack of timing once again), she said "Mama, you look pretty!" Bad timing or not...I'll take it!

She kept saying "I love it!!" over and over. She also said "You didn't have to do this for me!"

But I DID have to do it. And I'd do it over and over again to see that smile....

She later told me that was the most precious gift anyone had ever given her. I just wanted her to understand how incredibly beautiful she is. Her hair did not define her beauty....Just her being "Brenda" makes her beautiful. A woman of integrity, strength, full of love and light that inspires me and everyone she meets every day. She doesn't need hair. She just needs that heart of hers.

 I want my mom to know that we are in this TOGETHER. I'm behind her 100%, and I will be here every step of the way. I will wipe her tears or cry with her. I will hold her tight when her body hurts. I will pray with her when she is scared. She WILL NOT fight alone.

Sexy Mama

I have always heard that confidence is sexy. It makes you look attractive. It makes you feel attractive. Well, let's just say I am the opposite of confident. When it comes to decisions, I think, rethink, three-think, then ultimately regret (in most cases). Now obviously there are tons of decisions I am proud of. Like, accepting Michael's offer to go on a date around 10 years ago. I'm glad I changed my major from Criminal Justice to Early Childhood Education. I am so glad, though I was scared, that we started trying for a baby....and that baby was Neva. It took until recently, but I know leaving my demanding job was part of a grand plan. I am so happy, though I was worried, that we had Nori so close to Neva. The list is much lengthier than this. The point I am trying to make, is there are great things about me, but I doubt myself alot. Most recently, I have been feeling self conscious about my performance as a mom. This is new. My maternal skills have always been something I was proud of.

This morning started like any other, with my jerking up the phone and trying to get in touch with mama. She sounded okay, but really tired. I felt safe taking the day and dedicating it to my house. The kids started last Friday staying with the most wonderful babysitter you could imagine. I mean, for a worrier like me, she is the jackpot. Her name is Courtney Edwards and I first met her when I hired her as a preschool teacher at my old job. She has a degree in Early Childhood Education. A clean back-ground check. She is CPR and First Aid certified. She has years of childcare experience, with lots of sterling references to prove it. Not to mention, she is the sweetest, most understanding, hugs and kisses -giving caregiver in the world! They will be staying once a week (Fridays), so that I can catch up on things. I know people think a stay at home mom has it made "bon-bons and soap operas" right? Well try "cant find the time to shower regularly" instead. Forget about my house and laundry.....Just forget about it. So I started getting the girls dressed and we headed out the front door. Neva and Nori standing on the front porch, were glancing around the front yard that they used to dwell in so frequently. They were quiet until Neva's eyes found her little Power Wheels Gator that her Gammy and Uncle Bubba got her for her birthday. "MAMA! Can we 'wide' the gator??" Immediately Nori chimed in "ride gator! ride gator!". I responded the same way I do every morning as we are rushing off "not now baby, we can when we get back". She responded quickly with the saddest little face you have ever seen "No, we won't." She walked with her head down to the car. It was like a knife in my heart. A knife of truth. I HAD told them everyday that we would come home and ride. And every DAY turned into night and there was no time. I rode with a lump in my throat all the way to Courtney's house. I felt guilt for the lack of fun time for the kids. For my needing a babysitter in the first place.....for everything.

                                                               Ms. Courtney and the Girls
After I dropped them off, I called Michael sobbing. I always feel emotional leaving them anywhere, but it was way worse today. I explained to Michael that the guilt was overwhelming. Working mom's, they feel this everyday, bless their hearts. That is why I left work. But now my mom needs me, and trust me, I am not complaining. She couldn't STOP me from coming if she wanted to. I just wish I could better balance things. I really feel like my little babies are getting ripped off. Used to, a normal day (that didn't involve gymnastics, the library, Papaw the Great's house, or a ballgame), was a good hot breakfast AT THE TABLE, followed by a few cartoons, then an art activity, next came outside time, then a non-fast-food lunch, then nap. After nap, Gammy was off work and we would go visit! Life was fun and it was centered around them. It made me tired...But it made me feel like Supermom. Now their days are filled with poptarts, car-rides, appointments, happy meals, and late naps then hanging out at Gammy's house until all hours because mommy is worried sick. Mommy is ALWAYS on edge and rarely wants to play anymore. Michael assured me that they are fine, and that they WILL BE FINE. He told me that my time right now, is best spent with my mama. I agree, but the guilt. Oh the guilt.

I spent about and hour and a half on my house (barely a dent) and I started getting worried. I couldn't reach mom over the phone so I called Amber, who reading my mind, was already on her way over there. At 12:00, mom was in the bed. She had woke up long enough to speak to me on the phone, then went straight back to bed. Amber arrived and mom mustered up the energy to open her eyes, then went back to sleep, again. Amber was concerned. I dropped what I was doing and headed that way. When I walked in, I asked her to get dressed. "Nikki" she said sadly, "just let me rest baby". "Mom" I said sternly, "something is wrong now, we have got to go". She listened like a ticked off teenager. Once at the clinic, I broke down talking to my mom about the girls. I was crying and venting my guilt. Mama grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye "You are the best mom that there is, do you understand me? You run around like crazy and you rarely leave those kids. You always have them. You are a GREAT mom" she barked. She seemed a little irritated at my broken heart. I continued to cry. "You need to stop all this", she said, obviously worried about my fragile emotional state. "Now, I'm driving MYSELF to radiation next week", she declared. "No mama! I'm not compl-....." She interrupted "I know you're not complaining, but I can do things for myself, now, you let me!". The conversation ended there. Whether mom likes it or not, I will still be taking her everywhere and going to her house everyday, but man, did it feel good to hear her say I was a good mama. She don't sugar coat stuff either. She will tell me if she thinks Im over reacting or justified in my thoughts. I felt so much better, but still there are changes to be made.

the kids had a great time at Ms. Courtney'sbut were happy to see mommy and gammy

Turns out, mama was right. Her bloodwork revealed some good levels. Not great, but better. She really does just need to rest. So we picked the kids up, and headed to her house. Instead of hanging out until 10:00, I left around 7:30. When we got home, even though it was dark, guess who kept their word?

We had the porch lights on and mine and Michael's headlights. That's right, Michael saw what was happening outside, knew I needed it and decided to join in. It was great.

We are going to be okay. All of us. Things are hard right now, but I am tough. They are tough. Life is going to go on. They KNOW that I love them, because I tell them frequently and show them even more often than that. My mama taught me how to do that. We ARE going to be okay. I CAN do this.

I have insecurity issues, probably always will, but after talking to mama and having this great night, I gotta tell ya, I'm feeling pretty darn confident right now....