A Weight, Lifted or Shared?

Something happened to me today. I'm pretty sure that it has been happening but I just realized it today. I think, in order for you to understand what I am feeling, I need to catch you up on the situation.

Friday: We took mom for her CTs and MRI. This was not a good day. Mom had been sleeping alot and speaking about how exhausted she felt. She had a familiar look on her face. She was quiet and not talking again. For those of you that have been reading, you know this is the way she behaved just before she was diagnosed. She shut down. It is as if she knew, but wasn't telling anyone. Looking back, I feel like she shut us out in some sort of attempt to protect us from what she felt happening in her body. So anyway, Ronnie, me and my girls waited for her as she had her tests done Friday. She became ill during her CT and vomited while they were scanning. She was pitiful. She felt horrible. She came out of the room immediately following the test and walked straight to the truck, got in and asked to be taken home. This is not a typical "goodbye scene" in our family. We kiss and hug and say a couple of "I love you"'s and typically speak on the cell phone before we make it wherever we are going. When I got in my car I cried. I was so scared. I was sad. The one thing I didn't feel was anger, for a change. Before long, my cellphone was ringing and it was Ronnie. "Mom is sick. Something is wrong". I called the clinic immediately and they told us to bring her in. Her BP was 108/59 and she was dehydrated. They quickly gave her a bag of drip. I sat there looking at her as she received the fluids. She was so pale. So skinny. She slept the whole time. They said she would feel better afterwards, but she didn't. She didn't leave the couch the remainder of the day.

Saturday:  This was the day of moms's much anticipated benefit. Volunteers have been slaving for weeks to pull together an extravaganza in honor of MY mother. There were signs posted on major highways, street corners and store fronts advertising this joyous event. I think we all have that moment before a shower or party or anything, that is important to us, where we ask ourselves "will anyone show up?" I wanted it to be successful, not for the money, but for the sake of my mom seeing how much she is loved. I stopped by mom's house before going to the benefit. Mom was not looking any better than the night before. She didn't feel well at all. She had a horrible cough and her ribs were hurting from the excessive coughing. I assured her that everyone would understand if she didn't go. She was insistent on going, but taking her own car in case she needed to leave. I was very uneasy about her going. But, it also wasn't something I wanted to deprive her of.

When I arrived at the grounds, there were cars everywhere! I made an attempt to speak to EVERYONE who had given up their Saturday to stand in the blistering heat, for my mom and my family. I was blown away! There was a stage set up, there were tents with snacks and activities, several jumps for the kids, the smell of delicious food filled the air and lively music set the tone for a happy day. As I walked around the grounds, I had nothing to do. It was all being done. And once mom made it there, and I saw she was okay, I had nothing to worry about. Our day to day lives are filled with appointments, medicine schedules and running from one place to another and just fearing "is her situation going to worsen today?". But not this day. This day we were carefree. Free to have fun and enjoy life. What a blessing! What a great gift our friends and family gave us. The gift of freedom. For the first time in a long time- my heart felt so light. I felt this burden lifted--almost like someone was helping me carry it. Not just someone, lots of people. I cannot put into words the feeling that filled my heart. I found myself enjoying this miserably hot, incredibly joyous day. I felt myself smiling, even when I wasn't thinking about it. And mom was good! She looked SO much better than she had just a few hours earlier! Between the visitors and volunteers and the incredible performers that took the stage my mind was free from worry and my heart was free of doubt. I found the old me. I saw the old mom. I saw Josh and Ronnie smiling and conversing and I knew the feeling wasn't just mine. Our community lifted us from our broken state and embraced us with their love and compassion. The benefit was a huge success for our family (the proceeds are just a bonus). Thank you to everyone who attended. You will never know exactly how wonderfully you have impacted our little family.

Sunday:  I sat in church, Mom on my left, my sister in law on my right. My girls safely placed in the care of sweet volunteers. Brother Robby spoke about giving yourself to God. He spoke about recognizing our sins, apologizing to God and starting a life in which we dedicate to Him. I hung off of his every word. I knew that this is something I want to do. "But what if I fail? What if I slip up? I'm not a criminal, but I am certainly not a saint. I have had alot of negative thoughts run through my head lately WITHOUT my permission. What if I can't stop them? What if the anger comes back and I can't control it? What if the sadness takes over and makes me bitter?" All these questions streamed through my mind as I heard him speak so eloquently about the day God came into his heart. There was no big ceremony. The preacher was still talking while our Savior filled Brother Robby's heart with love and belief. "I am so glad that day happened, so that I could be here listening to him today", I thought.  Oh, how his delivery touches me.

So that is where I am. I want dedicate my heart to Him. Is it normal to be afraid of failure? I hope so. I can't explain the way my heart feels. I am still scared and I don't want to even think about losing my mom. I am still emotional. I still cry alot. But my heart feels different. I don't know if the anger is gone forever. But after praying and praying and seeing all these people reach out to lift my family and attending church and listening to His word, I feel so much love in my heart. It is so welcomed. It feels so much better that the heaviness of anger. A volunteer said to me the night before the benefit "Your mom is going to touch someone through this process. She is going to help someone come to God. There IS a reason for everything". For the first time since that dreary day in the Dr's office, I believe it.