Over The Rainbow

Positive Words Commonly Associated With Cancer:

Hope, Courage, Faith, Strength, Love, Fight, Survivor, Beat, Happy, Believe, Trust, Patience, Together, Team, Encourage, Inspire, Work, Grow, Spiritual, Family, Memories, Future, Dream, Goal, Remission


When you hear about a cancer patient or "cancer family", you tend to get the sugar coated version of the situation. "He's really fighting! We have high hopes!" "She is positive, praying and responding well to treatment!" "The family is really working together, no one is alone in this". Everyone knows that when someone asks "How are you doing?", most of the time they want a one-word response. They are not expecting "I'm horrible. I'm scared my mom is about to die and I am mad at her because she is rushing the process. I am mad at myself for being mad at her. I feel guilty for everything. Me and my brother's are at each other's throats and mama has told me to "get out" of her house a hundred times in one week, but I don't listen and this makes her even more mad". That answer would induce a jaw dropping response I am sure. Followed by an awkward "Sorry bout that....Guess we'll see ya later". Here is the thing, my family is not in a good place right now.  My mom has done a complete turn around and is not complying with the Dr's orders, at all. The last few days have been the worst emotionally and physically for her and us since before she was diagnosed. Her tone is elevated and negative. Her temper is short. Asking her to taste something, drink something, take a pill, or anything results in an argument. She has developed a vendetta against me and Ronnie (her two nagging kids) and has been very verbal with this resentment. This situation has proved to be very difficult for us, as we find ourselves in a lose-lose situation.

Negative Words Rarely Mentioned:

Pain, Bald spots, Weight loss, Anger, Sarcasm, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Arguing, Segregation, Disagreements, Defiance, Refusal, Difficult, Stubborn, Sadness, Tears, Screams, Moans, Starvation, Fear, Hurtful, Sabotage, Selfish, Nagging, Conscience, Nightmare, Regret,Waste Away, Loss, Death

In her appointment today, the Dr. was very blunt. "I have seen patients that behave the way you are behaving, Brenda. They die." Mom has not been dedicated to some of her medicines, which has caused alot of her current problems. She has gone several days barely putting any food or fluid in her body. She has lost 11 lbs in less than 2 weeks. This too, has caused several problems. She was told today that if the weight loss continued, the chemo would be stopped. This is not good. Just ONE missed chemo cycle can be very detrimental with mom's aggressive, fast moving cancer. The Dr. could not have been more clear about where mom's current path is leading. It was scary and hurtful to hear. But what was much scarier, was the look in mom's eye. It was the look of exhaustion, sadness, aggravation, and defeat combined into one tear filled frown. She was pitiful. However, it was very difficult to give her the sympathy one would expect, considering the level of animosity that has built between us all. She doesn't want us around--she has said so many times. Not because of US, but because of what we say. Because of our encouraging her to eat, take proper meds and take care of herself. She is sick of hearing it and doesn't think that we understand. She is right. We don't. I hope we never do.

So what happens now? Do we leave her alone like she demands? Do we stop "encouraging" her to be more responsible with the time we have left? At this point it seems like we have to choose between quantity and quality. How does a kid do that for their mom? I always try to end these blogs on a positive note. I try to realize there IS a rainbow on the other side of EVERY situation. I can't really find it here. My mom is angry with me because I am DOING MY ABSOLUTE BEST to keep her here. She resents me for it. Me AND my brothers. We have to lay down and hear her negative words and see her angry looks as we try to sleep at night. But if we do nothing, her negligence will take her from us sooner. We then, will have to try and sleep at night as well, knowing we didn't even try.


Words/Phrases I am Using to Cope:

Mind Over Matter, Tomorrow, Strive, God, Eternal, Cease the Day, Gift, Prayer, Live, Breathe, Enjoy, No Regrets, Salvation, Laugh, Restore, Improve, Determination, One Day At a Time