Girl's Night In

In an attempt to help me escape reality, a friend of mine invited me for a card game and some snacks tonight with her and two other girls. Now see, this is not just because of my current situation. This friend is the kind of person that works over time to keep old friends close. She is the birthday remember-er. She is the one that will blow up your phone if you don't respond to her texts. She is the one that organizes outings carefully planning around everyone's life. She is the one that gets mad if you blow off a girl's night, but still invites you to the next one. She is a great friend. They all are. It's really easy to get caught up in your day to day, family, kids, errands, suppers and forget about your friends. I have always believed that a person should make time for their friends.....I've just never practiced it. The minute I got married.....or actually got serious with Michael, I started distancing myself from my friends.  He keeps in touch with every friend he has ever made. He is a great friend. He encourages me to spend more time with friends. I love them, I've just never been a great balancer. I couldn't balance housework and outside work, work and being a mom (I always felt someone was getting ripped off), and more prevalent than any other example, I could not balance being a good friend with life in general. I mentally justify my balancing issues with the thought "family comes first".  Even though I know that "alone time" would make me a better mom (my mom tells me this all the time), I let my guilt take over and I very seldom go anywhere without my children. But when the opportunity presented itself this time, I jumped all over it.

Today was the day of the "devil shot". Luckily, except for a little case of "restless leg", mom didn't struggle with it too bad last time. However, she is still suffering with bronchitis and severe nausea and is just not having good days. Its amazing how this cancer has affected her. The old mom would have worked straight through with her bronchitis, cleaned the house, went to the grocery store, babysat and just never missed a beat. But I've got to tell you, she is down. Very, very down. With the exception of chemo, her head has not left her pillow. I had the kids over there yesterday and she was trying desperately to play with them. They were eating it up! She was sitting on the floor when she jerked Neva's shirt up and started blowing her belly. Neva lit up like the 4th of July when she saw her old Gammy "come out to play". She giggled and belted out the deepest belly laugh when mom continued to blow and tickle. Nothing doing, here came Nori! Shirt up, finger in belly button, almost pointing the way to the perfect tickle spot. They giggled as they silently battled one another for the attention of the lady they have desperately been missing. Sadly, about five min into their play, mama became very winded and had to lay down. Shortly after that, she was fighting her sleep. So me and the kids left. Today, she was unable to play with them at all. I wish they understood. I can see their confusion and their strong desire to have mom back the way she was. I see it because I feel it along side them. I know I never will, but I am petrified they will forget the way she was. Reading that she needed her rest, we gave kisses and left. We came home and I spent some quality time with the girls before heading off for my "girl's night in". The night was filled with chips and dip, diet coke, cards (I WON!), and TONS of laughter. Conversation took a serious turn only once or twice and I did find myself in the bathroom crying at one point. But when I walked out red-eyed, I knew I wasn't being judged. It was absolutely wonderful and SO needed. When I got home, the house was still standing! Michael was still breathing! The girls survived without me! Everyone was sleeping peacefully.

 When I think to myself  "Family comes first", I think I am right. But what defines "family"? My mom. My husband and daughters. My brothers. My extended family. They all need me and I need them. But what I am realizing through all of this, is family is not just blood. I am so lucky to have friends that have stuck by me. Friends that make me laugh when I can't stop crying. Friends that won't let me go into "hermit mode" which I frequently try to do when life gets tough. Friends that know just when to talk about the sad stuff and when to change the subject. When everything is stripped away from us what do we have? When we leave this world, what will be remembered? All we have is the bonds we have formed and the legacy we have created. I have now made it my primary goal, to strengthen both. Because if tomorrow never comes for me, I want to be remembered for my balancing skills. I want to be the one who put "family AND friends first".