Guilty Pleasure

It's been a couple of days since my last post, but I have a good explanation. On Sunday June 5, 2011, I thought I became a saved person. I thought I had accepted the Lord into my heart and as my Saviour. However, June 14 around midnight, I started to doubt these thoughts. Let me explain...........

Tuesday Morning:
My mom had not been doing good physically or emotionally. I had mentioned in a couple of my posts recently that I fear she is giving up. Well, this morning when I spoke to her she asked vibrantly "what are you doing today?" I informed her that I was taking my girls to the library and then to the mall. She responded "I want to go." ?????????What??????? I haven't heard this in a LONG time! It felt great to hear! It's the old Mom! Not only is she getting off the couch and getting out, but she's hanging out with me again! I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to make it to the library with us, because Br. Robby paid her a visit to check on her. She loves it when he visits. She always feels better after they talk. So, after their visit, and after the kids and I listened (they play, I listen to the reading) to the story and did our art activity at the library, we decided to skip the mall and go look at furniture. Let me tell you about mama's furniture. There is no cushion left on the arms of her couch. Don't lay your head down hard because you probably won't wake up for a while. Also, there are holes big enough that I am scared I may lose one of my kids in there. Its pretty bad. We have been encouraging her for a while to invest, but to no avail. Anyway, we went and looked at furniture. I could tell she was weak. She kept sitting down at every turn. She even mentioned us leaving a couple of times. But we shopped for a little while and it was SO fun. She wouldn't eat lunch with us, but I didn't say anything to her. It was pretty hot. So I let her off the hook. I didn't want to taint our first fun day together with my nagging. I loved seeing her smile and happy, even though I knew she still wasn't 100 %. Oh, my heart, so full of love. Thank you God.

Tuesday afternoon:
I speak to mom on the phone. She is still beaming from our short shopping trip. She is forever trying to fix up her house. If you have ever tried to do something like that on an almost nonexistent budget, then you know it can take a lifetime to get your house the way you want it. She always gets on little kicks. First, it was her dining room. I think the dining room kick lasted about 4 or 5 years. She saved enough for flooring and bought it. Then she had to save up enough for installation. The boxes of ceramic tile sat on her floor for over a year. She has finally got it (almost) the way she wants it, and now she is moving on to the living room. I am glad! It gives her mind something to focus on besides all the negativity. Judging by her response this morning, I'd say this distraction is just what the Dr. ordered! Praise! My mom is back!

I speak to her a second time and she sounds kind of down. She said she had developed a chill. A chill so severe that she put on her jacket and walked outside (where it was blistering) just to get rid of it. She said the thermometer read 98.1. So, I told her to take some tylenol and call me if she needed me.

Tuesday Night:
The phone had not been working all day due to the company working on the line, so I was startled by it ringing during our supper. The caller ID revealed that it was mom so I jokingly answered with  "MY PHONE'S FIXED!" Her response made my supper come back into my throat "Nikki", her voice was cracking and full of fear, "something is wrong. My head is killing me and I am running 102 fever. That is WITH tylenol in my system." Please understand this: my mom DOES not tell people she is in pain. She does NOT go to the Dr. I could count on one hand how many days she has taken off work for illness, my entire life. She would NEVER want to go to the ER, unless something was bad wrong. "I'll be there in a minute!" I barked as I tripped over toys in the floor in my panic to find my shoes. I rushed to her house and put her in the car. On the way, I contacted the Dr. on call and asked if he could keep us out of the germy

They concluded that her bronchitis had developed into pneumonia. While we waited for the antibiotic drip to finish, we discussed her appetite. I realized that she had not eaten and had barely drank in about 24 hrs. While in the examination room, her stomach started cramping excruciatingly. The nurse said that it would continue to hurt until she ate something to go along with all the medicines in her body. They said that admitting her would expose her to an astronomical amount of germs. So they sent her home with, yet another, pill form antibiotic. When we went our separate ways at midnight I was out done with her. I don't even think she told me "bye".  None of us spoke, actually. That is not like us AT ALL. My older brother  is the "SUPER tough love guy" (sometimes I think TOO tough).  My little brother is the "just leave her alone and don't upset her" guy. I feel like I am somewhere in between my two brothers, I like to consider myself "encouraging" although, mom calls it "annoying". I don't let her get away with anything, but I am nice about it. Firm but friendly. I have only been rude to her once, and it is documented in "The Volcano" post. It left me guilt stricken and did not accomplish anything, so I swore it off.  Anyway, as we left the hospital I decided that it didn't matter WHO had WHAT approach, because none of them were working. She is pulling away from all of us, seemingly giving up and sabotaging her recovery. We are losing time. I was exploding with anger and I almost lost my tongue from biting it so hard. WHY? WHY??????? I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!! My heart was heavy. I guess I wasn't Saved after all.

When I got home, my wonderful husband caught the wrath of a seriously ranting surviving daughter. I used words that would make you shutter. I vented out everything I had pent up as he listened with a stunned look on his face. He agreed with me. Not because he had to, but because he actually did agree with me. He is always honest with me. He said I was justified in all of my feelings and thoughts. Afterwards I felt better. Guilty, but better. I was sure that God wanted nothing more to do with me, my negativity or our newly formed relationship. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a psycho foul mouth like me. How could I blame him? I sure am going to miss that lightness in my heart, though.

Wednesday Morning:
My meeting with Br Robby was today. Mom was supposed to babysit, but she is too sick. I dropped Nori at the donut shop and took Neva with me, HOPING she would actually let me talk to him. I just knew that he would tell me my Salvation window had closed taking any future opportunity with it. The talk was beautifully informative. I learned that just as I would not disown my children, God wouldn't disown me for one temper tantrum. I thought that being Saved would instantly make me a light hearted, cloud-9, do-gooder forever. I really did. Turns out, I can still make mistakes. The biggest difference in my temper tantrums a month ago (not that I have them frequently or anything) and my tantrum from last night: GUILT. I feel horrible. Horrible for my thoughts, my language and my behavior. The guilt was a sure sign of a changing heart.

Wednesday Afternoon/Night:
Mom is still not eating. She has had two bites of chicken in about 48 hrs. We have tried everything. She is putting forth an effort to swallow her antibiotics, though. I watched her take 3 out of 4 halves today (she promised to take the 4th half after I left). She looks so bad to me. I spent the whole day with her (minus my meeting and nap time), and she was cold and quiet. A sure sign that she feels bad. Her body is frail, and I hate that I can now see her bones in certain areas. She asked me to rub her aching back and I had to fight tears as my fingers passed over each protruding bone. Her skin is white and free of that vibrant hue it once possessed. I love her so much. I desperately hope she gets her fight back. Before I left, we had a much-needed conversation about my nagging and her not trying hard enough. When I left, she seemed a TINY bit better. She wasn't rocking back in forth with stomach cramps. She wasn't crying with pain. She wasn't running fever. She still wasn't nearly where I wanted her to be, but she assured me that she would call if she needed me. She hugged me, kissed me (I will never be too old for it) and told me good night.

There it is, my explanation. It's been a crazy couple of days. I have had some slip ups, some fall downs and some "I can't get up!"s. It is nice to know that I am not alone with this. We all have REAL life problems that we deal with. Mine, is my mom's illness. Some of you have lost a loved one. Some are going through a divorce. Some are trying to have a baby, but are having trouble. EVERYONE has hardships. Being Saved, doesn't take that away. Life still exists, you know? All the ups, downs and heartache. You don't go numb after getting Saved. You are just better equipped to handle problems when you are not alone and your heart is full of belief. I still feel guilty, and intend to "work on me" but I am relieved that my new relationship is still in tact. I'm going to continuously work on this relationship. I intend to lean on it for the rest of my life.