Beat-Up to Up-Beat: A Mother's Love

I would go so far as to say last night was my worst night. I don't know. I really thought that I would be adjusting by now. That it would all be sinking in. But every time my head hits the pillow, my mind goes somewhere sad. When I found myself thinking negatively and having , yet another, pity party, I decided to post a blog. When I sat down at the computer, so many thoughts came into my mind and not one of them was uplifting. I want to be honest about my thoughts and feelings as my family goes through this difficult situation. But, I do not want to bombard you nightly with sadness and negativity. I decided that it was not a good night to talk about my feelings. That's when I decided to look at some pictures and share them with you. However, that plan definitely had the adverse effect. An hour after sitting down at the computer (which is located in our bedroom) I unknowingly woke Michael up with my sobbing. He got out of bed and came straight over to the computer desk. For about an hour, he would be telling me "you can't do this to yourself" and "it's going to be alright". He had me wrapped in the tightest, most comforting hug. It isn't easy getting up as early as he does- when you DO get a decent night's sleep. I didn't want to keep him up any longer than I already had. So, I assured him I was fine and he returned to bed. However, I wasn't fine. Far from it. I found myself just dozing off as his snooze button solo began. My last thought was "tomorrow will be better". WRONG.

Today was an equally emotional day for me. Nori has been sick since Sunday morning with some kind of upper respiratory infection. This morning, though she tested negative for strep and her blood test was clean yesterday, Neva woke up with 102 temp. So on top of being in a bad place regarding my mom, I have two whiny, pitiful babies to care for. We left the house only to go to David's Grocery to get something quick to cook for supper. I had this flashback as I was walking in the door. I felt that familiar feeling. That "old me" feeling. I just knew I was going to walk in and see my mom in her little blue apron standing behind the counter as I have done countless times in the past. Her beautiful smile. Running around in super-hyper mode like always. But she wasn't there. She was at home, exhausted and doing a breathing treatment. Instead, there was a sign outside reminding everyone to about her benefit on Saturday. And reminding me, that life was never going to be the same.

I guess these emotions can be blamed on fear. I am in fear of what tomorrow's tests will reveal. Tomorrow we will be at SCRMC at 7:30 am. for a CT of the chest, a CT of the stomach and a MRI of the head. This is standard procedure. They want to see if the cancer is responding to the chemo, how much progress has been made and if the brain tumors (which have not been treated yet) are the same size as they were initially. See, this all happened so fast, they never actually did a CT of her stomach. It got "back-burnered" because of the urgency to begin chemo. The treatment would be the same regardless to the location of the cancer. So, we have no idea what news we will receive following these tests. I will tell you this, mom has been having symptoms that have us very concerned about her colon and she has been having pretty bad headaches. I am so scared. Mom says she doesn't want to know. She prefers to not even have the tests done. I guess the only news that would actually change things, is if the brain tumors are larger. Then we will begin radiation immediately. They have already told her that following "whole brain radiation", her hair will never grow back. You would think that would be a tough pill to swallow for a woman that refuses to accept the 1 year timeline she has been given. She is adamant that she will be here in 5 years, maybe longer. But, she actually never even reacted to the news about her hair. That was the same day she told the Dr "I'm going to be your miracle". She has moments everyday, but she is surprisingly upbeat about this whole thing.

So how do I do it? How do I stop crying and start smiling? I'm trying so hard. I just want to stop feeling beat-up and start feeling upbeat. If mom can do it, shouldn't I be able to? Michael, noticing how much I have been crying, told me to try and focus on something positive when the bad stuff creeps into my thoughts. So that is what I am doing. I have two little babies here that need me. I want them to have the best of me, not the worst. If I can't do it for ANY other reason, I can make myself upbeat for them. Perhaps that is what my mom is doing for me, as well.