Spare Change?

Today started beautifully. Just one of those days where you can soak up every moment. No rush. No obligation. One of those days you would think that I could get lost in the positive and temporarily forget the negative. I gave my girls a bath and watched as they giggled and splashed (and of course argued a little). Then came time to paint toe nails. I am so amazed at how Nori, a one year old, sits so still and quietly as her nails get painted. It is very impressive. When I am doing things like that with my girls, I always flash back to a brighter day that my mom was doing the same thing with me. There is truly not one moment of the day that my mind is able to stray from this situation. Everything I think takes me back to it. Everything I see. Everyone I talk to. There is no escape. My mom is doing a little bit better. She is still tired, but I think the extreme fatigue has subsided a bit. She is still nauseous, but I don't think it is nearly as bad. The main problem we are experiencing right now is her appetite or lack of. In the last week, I have cooked homemade chicken noodle soup (her favorite), I have heated various canned soups, my husband bought her a watermelon and took it to her, I have picked up food from town, I have sent her plates of supper from my house, we have taken her donuts, everything you could imagine just to get her to eat. She won't. I get so frustrated when she says "I'm not hungry" and she makes a disgusted face. The Dr has told us that she probably won't feel hungry. She still has to eat. She WILL NOT listen. She has lost 30lbs in less than 2 months. This scares me, because we have been told that the cancer will eat away her calories--forcing her to lose weight. She needs all the weight she's got. I am so worried. She actually said to me today following church "it hurts to stand, I get exhausted doing hardly anything, I think I am giving in to it". She is worried that she has lost her fight. How do I give it back to her? How do I MAKE her eat?  What happens if she gives up as it appears she already has? She has been so positive and tough through this whole thing. How do I keep her on the right track? How do I MAKE her FIGHT this thing?

After a beautiful morning with my girls, (during which I had to fight off the sad thoughts because they were threatening to ruin the moment), we headed to church. Once again, Brother Robby tapped into my mind and built a sermon around my thoughts, fears and confusion. Today, he talked about being passionate about a relationship with God. Not just saying it-doing it. Living it. Committing to it. Forming a one on one relationship with God intrigues me and scares me. I know that is probably a faux pas in the world of southern baptists, for me to say "I am scared to form a relationship with God". Here is my explanation: At 16, while attending as a guest at a very large "uppety" church in Laurel, I felt pressured to get "saved". The process consisted of raising my hand in a crowded congregation, going into a back room with several other people who had raised their hand, and being prayed for/with. That was it. I felt nothing. I understood nothing. I changed nothing. It was a lie. All of it. I left the same person I walked in. The same empty heart. The same ignorance. The same doubt. So there it is. The source of my hesitation. So now, as I feel my heart changing, (and it SO has! What is happening inside me is so beautiful! I don't know that I thoroughly understand it, but I welcome it!) I can't help but fear "What if I commit and fail?" Is it better to try and fail? or to never commit at all? I would assume a relationship with God would need to be built on the same foundation as a relationship with any other loved one. Trust is a biggy. Can He trust me to live in His name? Will I let Him down? What happens then?

While my questions and ignorance about religion are never ending, I am VERY optimistic about learning. Every week I count down the days until Sunday. I can't wait to hear what will be said. I can't wait to feel that feeling refreshed in my heart. How I wish I could keep "the feeling" that vibrant all week. I have been praying, not just at night when everyone is asleep and I lie awake. I pray all day. I pray for my mom. I pray for my brothers, my husband and kids. One leads to another, you know? I keep going until I have prayed for pretty much everyone I know and even people that I don't! I prayed today that my mom would gain her fight back. I prayed that she would find her optimism again. Every thought takes me back to her. When I think about forming a relationship with God, I think of how she has been encouraging me on my quest to learn more about Him. When I think of changing my life and making a commitment, I think of how she brought me to Him in the first place. When I think I might fail, I think of all the times she has built me up and it prompts me to try harder. When I think "there is no escape from this situation", I think of how I find a great escape in prayer and hearing His word and it makes me want to immerse myself in it. I often talk about fear of the unknown. I am approaching new territory in my life. Change is scary. But perhaps, it's time for a change.