Mom's Old Friend

She didn't feel quite right, so Monday morning Mom took HERSELF to the Dr. This did two things to me: It infuriated me, because I don't like for her to go alone. But it also brought me comfort, because it proved she is ready to listen to her body and take care of herself. We communicated through text message (YES, mom can text.....sort of) until they informed her she would need platelets. When I received that text, I immediately began looking for a babysitter so that I could join her. When I got there, she was upset that this would slow us down from leaving on our much anticipated Gulf Shores trip. I, on the other hand, was thinking that we needed to cancel the trip. The thought of being in another state when mom spikes a fever or needs blood, is terrifying to me. I pleaded with her for us to cancel the trip. "We need it, Nikki. I want to go. I need it."  I reluctantly agreed to go even though I KNEW it was a bad idea.

BRENDA + BEACH = LOVE

As far back as I can remember, my mom has been a beach girl. Way back when I was little and we would go every year, mom would beg daddy to just stay "ONE more day!" She cant get enough of it. She would lay out in the sun for hours and just watch us play in the water and build in the sand. I can still see her face. The beach brought about a sense of calmness and relaxation to her that us mom's don't get very often. She was her happiest listening to the waves and soaking up the sun. Only leaving her chair for the occasional "cool-off dip" in the water. After the divorce, there were sporadic visits here and there, but money was tight. Me and mom snuck off just the two of us a couple times when I was a teenager. Fast forwarding to about 4 years ago, we took a trip just like this one. Nothing had changed. Mom found her place in her chair and us "kids" found our place in the water. We would have to MAKE her leave the beach. It was like an old friend that she had to catch up with.

We headed out right after mom received her platelets. It was all of us Mom, Ronnie, Josh, Amber, Noah, Brady, Me, Neva and Nori. All of us EXCEPT Michael, who was unable to turn a-loose and go with. I found out that riding to Gulf Shores with a 2 yr old and a 1 yr old is........a challenge. Surprisingly, they weren't bad, just restless. Just a few bad moments as we were searching for our condo. Ms. Sharon Walters (my mom's ex-boss from David's Grocery) bought us this condo stay as a gift. We didn't totally know where it was (mom said she did, but SHE DID NOT). I was actually ready to throw a tantrum by the time we got there, so I can't blame the kids I guess.

When we got there, mom told everyone "I want to forget everything. I don't want to talk about cancer. I am healthy here".  A couple of times through the trip, I accidentally brought it up and she put me in my place. We had a blast. I missed Michael beyond what words could express. I tip my hat to single moms. The beach experience without an extra set of hands is REALLY HARD! But I really surprised myself by having a great time. I was worried, because there has been a bit of feuding lately. When you start getting a bunch of people (family or not) under one roof, it can be a recipe for disaster. But, just like mama asked, everything was set aside for the trip. One thing that I think worked for us: we didn't try to accommodate one another. We didn't try to stay together the whole time. We all went our separate ways. When we were ready to go to the beach, me and the girls walked to the beach. When they were ill and ready for nap time, I didn't force them to stay because everyone else wasn't ready. We left. This freedom and space kept the momentum up, I think. My girls LOVED it! They started out hesitant, but by our last day, I was frightened by their bravery! I loved seeing them with mama. Flashing back to her playing with us in the pool. Us doing little tricks and screaming across the way "watch ME mama! watch me!" or having "WHO CAN STAY UNDER THE LONGEST" contests where she was the referee. What great memories. Now my kids are making those same memories. Mom had a great time. She wasn't able to stay out in the heat as long as she once did. But oh, how I loved seeing that look on her face again. She was relaxed and happy. She was back with her old friend that she had missed so dearly. She said "This is almost perfect. Michael being here would make it perfect. But he is back in reality." I asked "well what is this to you mom?" she replied with a trembling lip "this is not real. There is no cancer. This is great". I ached for her in that moment. I wanted to scold her for breaking her own rule and bringing it up, but I understood her completely. It was in the back of my mind too. I would catch myself laughing hard, then my mind would remind me.....Sadness waits at home. I found myself one night up listening to the sleepy sounds of mom and my girls and thinking "will we ever be able to do this again?" "why haven't we done this every year?" "I don't want it to end, I don't want the cancer stressed version of us back!" I couldn't stop crying until I went over to my angelic sleeping mom and climbed in bed with her. She hugged me and kissed me. She didn't even ask what was wrong. She just said "I'm okay right now, baby. I'm fine now." It was comforting to hear. But I want it to be that way forever. I want this to go away. That next morning, she snuck off to the beach alone and watched the sunrise. She said it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. If you ask her what her favorite part of the trip was, she will reply "watching the sunrise, it was miraculous".

Our last morning was filled with packing and cleaning and dread. Dread for what awaited us at home. When the last counter was wiped and the last bag was loaded, we all sat in silence. Mom was out on the balcony. When we joined her out there, her eyes were glued to the beach. It's like she was soaking up it's beauty. Saying her goodbye's to her old friend. She stood there undeterred by our presence. "Mom, are you ready?" I asked. Her response broke my heart into a million pieces. "Ya'll don't understand" she said with a quivering voice "this could be my last time to ever see the beach". She started to cry. I started to cry. Josh walked over and embraced her. I followed in his steps. Ronnie came out the door at this point and we took turns hugging her and taking pictures with her in front of the view. Nori, my one year old decided to join us. Mom reached down and lifter her up. "You come to the beach every year for your Gammy, baby, okay?" Nori smiled as if she understood the depth of what was being said.  Before we left mom tried to retract her statement for mood's sake. "Nobody knows when their last time to see the beach or the sunrise or anything will be. It could be your last time", she said to Me, ronnie and Josh. "It's just sad leaving when I have been given this time line. I love the beach. You look at it in a different light when you think it is the last time you will see it". We all agreed that we would find ourselves back there next year. We reluctantly locked the door and headed to our cars. I really hope that's true. I hope we ALL have a great time next year too.

I am glad mom didn't listen to me. I am glad we went. I am glad she felt pretty good. I am glad she got to see her old friend, the beach. I am glad we got to escape, if only for a moment. But most of all, I am glad we made all those wonderfully positive memories, because mom was right.......We DID need it.