The UNDESIRABLE Club

So, just like everyone, I have entered (and exited) many clubs or groups in my life. At 3yrs I entered the "Spoiled Pageant Kid Group", In 4th grade I joined the cheerleading squad, At 15 I joined the Student Council. On April 25th 2011, I became a member of the "Kids Whose Parents Have Cancer" group. Except I'm not a kid at all. I'm a 28 yr old mother of 2.

 Although the 22nd is the actual diagnosis day, the 25th is a day burned in my memory forever. My mom (struggling to breathe) sitting beside my aunt and my brother in the examination room-refusing to sit on the table reserved for patients and instead sitting in the "guest chair". I found my spot on the floor. Through all of these appointments I realized sitting on the floor gave me the opportunity to wrap my arms around my knees and sort of ball up. This position did and continues to offer some sort of protection from the information I am listening to. So, there we were. My mom, her big sister, her oldest son, and me-her only daughter. The Dr. walked in and introduced herself. Noticing that all of the seating was taken, she climbed up on the examination table. Her words, though sympathetic, were very blunt and straight forward. "Its small cell cancer. It is in the extensive stage. You are looking at months left untreated and a year WITH treatments." We sat there stunned. How does that happen you know? How do you go from worrying about "what am I going to cook for supper tonight?" or "when am I going to lose this freaking baby weight?" to "Will my mom be here to help me get my kids off to their first day of kindergarten?" "will my kids remember the most important woman in my life?" The rest of the words spoken were very muffled. I remember bits and pieces "no cure" "brain, lungs, liver", "chemo and radiation", "miracles happen".......You kind of have that moment where you feel sorry for the Dr. How horrible it must be to deliver this news for a living. I sat there watching my big brother with tears in his eyes. Looking at my mom. My strong, beautiful mom sobbing on her sister's shoulder. Then I watched my own tears hit the floor. I didn't even attempt to wipe them away.

So far, we are one chemo treatment down, 2 to go. Luckily, this super aggressive cancer responds very well to chemo. My moms quality of life was dramatically improved with only one treatment. Her breathing is 100 times better. Its nice to not have to listen to her gasp for air. The chemo schedule is M, T, W, TH -CHEMO. Then she gets 2 full weeks off and we repeat. She has already had one brief hospital stay due to a sodium level drop (who knew low sodium was a BAD thing???). She is still battling her smoking addiction. I find myself in a difficult position because I want so badly to scold her and ride her about her habit that has brought us to this unfortunate place-but I don't want to spend this precious time (ever how long it may be) being rude to my mom. I have so much anger. I find myself snapping at undeserving individuals. My kids and husband are not exempt from this.

 My misplaced anger is why I am here. I figure that if I can join, yet another group: "bloggers", perhaps it will be therapeutic for me. Perhaps I will figure out exactly who I am mad at or what I am mad about. I am so fearful that I will lose time dwelling on the past or fearing the future.

Anyway, feel free to comment. In fact- PLEASE do. I need help. I need advice. I need to find a middle ground between optimism and reality.