Back to the Future

I keep having this dream. The location varies. Sometimes I'm in a hospital room. Sometimes I am in my grandfather's living room. The dream itself is always the same. Papaw and I are talking. I'm not sure about what, but he is healthy and plump and full of life. He has the biggest smile on his face. I don't actually see mom and the girls, but I know they are there. They are probably getting ice cream out of the freezer or gone to get snacks of some sort. It's not discussed, but I know mom is healthy. I know because I don't feel heavy. I don't feel negative at all. I feel joy and warmth in my heart. I'm the old me. Life is normal again.

 I have found myself thinking back alot. Thinking back to when I was a kid getting off the school bus and running through the yard because I knew mama had a snack waiting. I remember being little bitty, sitting on the bathroom counter watching my mom put on her makeup. I thought she was the prettiest girl in the world (still do).I recall, mama quickly cleaning the makeup off of my little brother's face and removing his dress  before Daddy came home(even though I had worked SO hard making him beautiful). The living room baseball games! My brothers and I ALWAYS ended up breaking something and getting sent to our rooms! Thinking back to when my parents got divorced and how hard life became. I keep going back to when I was a teenager and doing everything I could to help my mom run our household. I could never forget mine and Ronnie's horror movie marathons! Mom would complain about us staying up all night and sleeping all day. And Oooh, those dirty looks that mama would shoot toward me and michael just for sitting next to one another on the couch! Thinking back to when I told mama "he asked and I said YES!" and she gave me the silent treatment for two weeks. I remember the day I called my Papaw and said "Mama is being mean to me about planning this wedding!" (and he scolded her the next day). Neva's birth.... never forget how Michael's eyes went to the baby-but mama's focus stayed on me.  I've been thinking back to all the days I listened to mom and Neva sing duets together. I recall  those days I worried mom was going to teach Neva a cuss word just to tick me off. I remember clearly the day I announced "I'm pregnant, Again!" and mom responded "Nikki! Don't you know what causes that??"  And our family gatherings! Oh my goodness our family gatherings! They are huge! Huge and LOUD! Every holiday, Papaw retreats to another room just trying to soak up some peace and quiet!

 And then, inevitably while flipping through the chapters of my past, I make my way back to the present.

The thing about memories and pictures and dreams, is they don't go on forever. There is a sadness about me when I reminisce. I find a split second of comfort then I am lost in sorrow. I want the past back, without wishing away certain aspects of my present. I fear the future. Fear of the unknown. How will I cope? Will I find a new norm? Will I be happy? It is such a mystery. Knowing the future may alleviate some of the anxieties of today, but what about tomorrow? Would knowing the contents of tomorrow inexplicably drain the life from it?

I'll continue to be thankful for  my yesterdays.
I will be hopeful for my tomorrows.

And my Todays? I'll just take them one at a time.