The Follow-Up

I'm just going to say it. I'm very depressed. I am. I cant stop crying. I feel guilty if I accidentally laugh. I'm very down. My Papaw isn't doing good at all. My mama is weak, tired, and nauseous from the chemo. She's trying to be at the hospital for him everyday, even though they said hospitals are a bad place for her with her lowered immunity. I can't really wrap my head around all of this. I sat yesterday in the clinic waiting room waiting for mom's Chemo-follow-up appointment. I was already having an emotional day. But my eyes kept drifting across the way into an empty examination room. This room was trying with all it's might to jerk the tears out of my eyes with the memory it was forcing into my mind. That room brought us such bad news just a few weeks earlier. I hate that room.
December: The nagging cough starts. If any of you are smokers or know a smoker, then you wouldn't totally be alarmed by a nagging cough. She was alarmed by it. She was affected physically by it. It seemed to wear her out to cough that hard. I very harshly thought in my mind "She should quit smoking. She is doing it to herself". Don't get me wrong, I made her soup. I cared for her. But never the less, I didn't take it as seriously as I should have. (regret)

January: After a month of totally pulling away from me and my girls, I found myself very annoyed with her. I knew she had this cold that would not let up. But she cant go to Wal-Mart with us? Really? She feels SO bad that she can't play with my girls? I found it hard to believe. She's tough. She obviously doesn't want us at her house. Did I do something to make her mad? Why isn't she calling me anymore? Whatever. I'm over it. (regret)

January 16:  We (my brothers and I) had been urging her to go to the Dr. Even bribing her: "I'll take you" "I'll pay for it" "I'll buy your medicine" etc. She refused to go. Until this day. And she took HERSELF. This annoyed me too. In this family, we never go to the Dr alone. "at least she went", I thought to myself (mentally forgiving her). Urgent Care treated her for the flu. Even after a negative swab. She had all the symptoms, so they treated her for the flu. "we have something going around that is JUST like the flu, but gets NEG swabs" they explained to her. Why didn't I question it? Why?

February - March:  The "flu" lingers. The medicine didn't touch it. I'm at the donut shop with Michael and my cell phone rings. It's my aunt expressing her concern for my mom. Mom had called her and spoke about how horrible she felt. I jumped in my car, took the girls to my sister in law and pulled up at her house, furious! Why did she call them? I talk to her everyday and I know she looks bad, but she SAYS she is okay. Why not tell me??? I stomped into her house where she laid on the couch after a 10 hr day at work. She was in her apron still. Her jacket was on and she was under the cover. "Get up, right now. Get your shoes on and get in my car, you're going to the Dr." I barked with a mean voice unlike I had ever used with her. She tried to argue and I spoke over her "You can get in the car, or I can PUT YOU IN THE CAR". She said no more. She wouldn't speak to me the whole way there. (regret) We met Dr. Sumrall, from the Immediate Care clinic in Laurel. My mom liked her. She appeared to really want to "fix" my mom too. She quickly diagnosed mom with "walking pneumonia" and put her on much stronger medicine. I remember how scary the term "walking pneumonia" sounded. I cried. People die from that, ya know?

At the end of the antibiotics, her breathing was horrible. We returned to Dr. Sumrall. who then treated mom for bronchitis.

Then, when it got worse, mom returned. They did an Xray of the chest, where the Dr. could see the "pneumonia" was still there. I remember asking mom, "did she comment on your lungs at all?" (I've always had an unnatural fear that mom's bad habits would land her with lung cancer). "I guess they look fine, except for the pneumonia" she replied. I felt SO much better. She put mom on, yet another, antibiotic. A SUPER strong 10 day antibiotic.

10 days later, Mom returned for her follow-up Xray. I was supposed to go with her so I was at her house waiting when she got off work. But the kids were going with us, and they had not had their nap yet. That is a big "no no". No nap = nightmare. Mom made me wait at her house and put the girls down for nap. She promised to call me as soon as she saw the Dr. I just knew that she was going into the hospital for her pneumonia. I just knew they would admit her and I was not going to be with her. She wasn't any better. "Surely they can admit her and get rid of it" I thought to myself, mentally preparing myself for the "worst".

She came whirling into the yard and I crept quietly outside, once again, annoyed with her because she had not called me. I didn't give her time to speak "What did they say?" I asked as I noticed the familiar sound of Michael's truck coming down the road. I looked back at mom and repeated (meanly) "WHAT DID THEY SAY MOM?" All the while, Michael is pulling into the driveway. "Why is he here?" I wondered. Mom finally spit out "they think its a mass. They are setting me up with a lung specialist and a CTscan is scheduled for this week". I immediately began dry heaving. My worst fear realized. I will never forget that moment. Come to find out, Mom feared I would react so severely, so she had called Michael to come console me. Mass? What is a mass? I read up on it. Don't ever "read up on it".

April: CT scan results are revealed. It is a mass. They cant say with certainty without a biopsy, but it appears to have "little arms" reaching out to surrounding tissue. This is a characteristic of cancer.

We met the Lung Specialist, Dr. Dobbs. She quickly set up a biopsy and MRI. "Why an MRI?" I wondered. So I read up on it. Don't ever "read up on it".

The day of the biopsy, she told us that it looked like "Small Cell". Never heard of it. So I read up on it. Don't ever "read up on it".

Biopsy and MRI results were revealed to us on April 22nd. There were so many family members there, they brought in extra chairs and put us in a special room. I hate that room. I found my place on the floor. "It is Small Cell Lung Cancer. It cannot be surgically removed. There are spots on both lungs, the liver and the brain". "Not the brain. Not the brain. Why?" I couldn't control my negative thoughts. The entire room burst into tears. She urged mom to go into the hospital and to begin chemo immediately. "I want Easter with my family" she declared. The Dr reluctantly agreed.

The next appointment, the Dr. gave us the life expectancy speech. I have mentioned this appt in a previous post.

Back to Today: So, here we are. Sitting here with an oncologist who is totally surprised to see that mom still has hair. I'm once again lost in thought. Lost in the "what if's" and regrets I cant change. Lost in my negativity. I come out of my head long enough to hear my mom, my aching, shedding, exhausted mom, tell her Dr. "I'm going to be your miracle".  The Dr. smiles. "I believe that" she responds. Miracle.......Maybe I need to read up on it.