Hit The Snooze

I have alot of trouble sleeping at night. For whatever reason, my mind goes into overdrive when I lay down. One of two things usually happens: Either I stay up half the night until I just cant hold my eyes open OR I go to sleep at a decent hour and wake up a hundred times. So at 3:30 this morning when Michael began his daily rendevouz with the snooze button, I wasn't excited to say the least. I wasn't enthused about him serenading me with his usual "snooze button" solo. I found myself awake thinking "why do snooze buttons exist?" I mean, really. Its just a tease. You re only going to want more and more. It is a button that says "hold on reality, I am taking a 5 min break". But reality reappears in a LOUD way in the blink of an eye. And besides, he had awoke me from an important dream. I dreamed about my grandfather again last night. There was snow everywhere. It was dark. There were people everywhere. I was greeting them one by one. The faces seemed to run together until he walked up. He was bundled up in a flannel jacket. He was SO happy. His smile was beautiful. I hugged him and I smelled him. It was really him. That was his scent. I asked him how he was and he said "I'm fine baby". We traded "I love you's" and "I miss you's".  He hugged me again and then walked away. He was gone. How I wish I just had more time. "More time". That phrase always makes me think of my mom.

When you are told "you have one year with your mother", alot of things go through your head. You want to jerk her up and squeeze her close and never let go. You want to scream to the Heavens "WHY MY MOM?WHY?" You want to hope for a miracle, but you fear the worst. You want to say those things you never said. You want to apologize for things. You want an apology for other things. You want every moment to be fun filled. You want your video camera to capture every second. You want to fill up your memory bank. But most of all,you just want more time. I have ran into a few people that have said "at least you get a chance to say goodbye. People are in accidents and their families never get to say goodbye". Well, I get it. I really do understand that philosophy. I cannot imagine the pain of words left unsaid. But the pain of asking myself everyday "is it today? Is today the day she will take a turn for the worse?, Is it tomorrow?, will she be here next Easter? Mother's Day?" --I've got to tell you, it is maddening.

Recently I said "I just want 10 more years", and my aunt replied "and what happens after that 10? You're going to want another 10". Perhaps she is right. If my "snooze button" theory is correct, perhaps it applies here. That little bit of extra time just encourages us to strive for more and more and more. It's never going to be enough. I will always need her. All we can do is make the most of the time we have left.

So now, as I finish making my baked beans, potato salad and deviled eggs, I am headed to my moms house for a Memorial Day gathering. All her kids and grand kids together. Making memories. Enjoying the time we have. Ever how long it may be.