Last year I went to the mountains for the very first time. It was a beautiful trip--made even more beautiful because I was accompanied by my sickly little mama. She, too, had never seen the beautiful majesty of God's work in the form of a mountain.Watching her childlike enthusiasm as she saw breathtaking views--will forever be burned into my mind and heart. It was incredible and impossible to top.
I write this for you now, sitting in the loft of our beautiful cabin in Pigeon Forge, TN. The trip here was wonderfully stressful. There I go with my contradictions again...What I mean is, The kids behaved wonderfully and the baby cried maybe five minutes out of the entire drive here. We stopped 4 times...3 times for gas, snacks, or bathroom breaks, and once to eat a gourmet meal at Wendy's. But, having now bragged on them, I must say: 8 hours in vehicle with kids (good or bad) is STRESSFUL! We took our time, and at about 8:30 last night, we arrived in Pigeon Forge. We were exhausted, but decided to go ahead and get our groceries anyway. At 11:00 last night, we FINALLY sat down at our dining table to some pizza from a local pizzeria. The cabin is BEAUTIFUL! It's in a gated community--so that made me feel safe. Still, the night was full of anxiety, as the pictures online didn't show that this cabin was located on the tip of a mountain. Ok, not literally--but the drop from our back porch is horrifying. I kept picturing the kids waking up and going out back......I threatened them, locked the door, put furniture in front of it, and still, I found myself pacing the floor. The girls did great! Perhaps they were just exhausted from the long day in the car--but either way--the slept all night in their bed. And Mili slept great in her pack n play, which I strategically placed in front of the staircase to serve as a baby gate to ward off the kids from going upstairs. Michael and I watched about half of a movie together, then he fell asleep. But I had serious trouble not worrying myself sick. I think I slept a couple hours. I know that I am on a dangerous path of over protection, that if not rerouted will end up leading to my putting the kids in a bubble and never letting them leave home....I've got to lighten up---I know... But, the kids have been too distracted jumping on their bed and swimming in the indoor pool, or "swimming" in the hot tub to realize how insane their mom is. I've chilled out a little already after one night, so perhaps I'll lighten up even more as we unwind here in our little piece of paradise.That's literally all we've done today, swim, hot tub, and hang out in the cabin eating junk food. We are not touristy people. You can't walk every shopping center and check out every sight with kids. Or, if you can, I haven't figured out how. Not that I want to, anyway. I am happy hanging out at the home with my sweet little family. We even bought enough groceries so that we don't have to eat out even once! We probably will, at least once, but I love not having the obligation to go out for every meal like you do in a hotel. Since I am unable to attend my bible study class, when the girls went down for nap I did my lesson and read in my bible. Then Michael, (not used to a gas grill) burnt us a steak and we ate steak and ruffles potato chips together. Just the two of us. Quite a combo, huh? Steak and ruffles. Kind of like me and him. Quite a combo. We talked and laughed. It was totally romantic and I fell in love all over again with his sweetness and cute little smile. Then, I came upstairs to talk to you. Since I've been typing, I hear him snoring on the couch. I'm so glad he's getting much needed down time. I'm waiting for everyone to wake up so that we can go do something fun with the kids. We talked about Dollywood, but I am not sure yet. We have NO plans and I LOVE it.
I miss Mama. So do the kids. They've been talking about her WAY more than usual. When we first got here, Neva pointed upstairs and said "there's Gammy's room!" (she stayed in the loft last year). Then, when I was kissing them good night last night Nori said innocently "When Gammy gets done in Heaven, can she come sleep with me in my bed?" ( they all slept together last year). This trip is rich with her memory and I, too, have found myself talking about her more than ever. I just miss her so much. She would love this. I have teared up a couple times but I am fighting so hard to have a good time, for my hard working husband, for my little girls who have suffered such loss and deserve to giggle, and for my mom....who I know would be soaking every second of this trip up.
The pumpkin patch, the fair, Halloween, and now this trip have brought up some emotions that have practically overwhelmed my heart with pain...... I have been having some bad days lately...I don't want to be "Debbie Downer", I'm just being honest. I've been very, very sad. I miss her so much, I sometimes feel it's unnatural. My inability to sleep at night, has me questioning my need to see a dr. I feel my anxiety rising to a possibly unhealthy level these days. I am going to try and fight through these holidays and hope I start to find some normalcy afterwards.
But, for right now, I'm heading down a set of beautiful stained wood stairs, to my clean and beautifully decorated home, to laugh and play and enjoy my temporary altered reality. That's what vacation is all about, right?
I'll post y'all some pics tonight!
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