What's Wrong With Me?

The other day, a close friend of mine caught me at my mom's house. She stopped and visited for a while. Before leaving, she needed to ask me a question. "Is something wrong with you?", she asked with a concerned face. She explained that she had heard that "something was wrong with me" and it made her heart skip a beat. No details. No specifics at all. Just "something was wrong". She couldn't rest until she heard it from me. My first reaction was confusion. I assured her I was fine. Once the confusion wore off, it was replaced with paranoia. I became an insecure 15 yr old all over again, worried to death at what the rumor mill had churning for me. Since she heard it at a very public place, I also worried who else had heard this. Perhaps they heard details. Maybe there is a whole story being told about my current situation that I am not even aware of. Perhaps I cried too much in front of folks and now people think I am unbalanced. Maybe I was too raw with my blogging...... too honest and it made me sound a certain way. Maybe, someone sees my car at mom's house alot and assumes there is something up with my marriage. Perhaps someone saw me in Walmart with my two crazy kids, and concluded that even a tranquilizer dart couldn't slow my kids down enough to be "normal". As I pondered the possibilities, I decided to make a list....

 What is "WRONG" With Me?:

• I have gained 40lbs, and still have a WHOLE month of pregnancy left. My back hurts, my feet hurt, everything aches and I am swelling up like a balloon. I am sure that any minute the skin on my belly is going to rip. I cannot find a comfortable position to save my life. I have heartburn out of this world and am very sleep deprived.
• I have guilt issues:

 I have recently noticed that my calm, super intelligent 3 yr old, gets INSANE when company comes over. People would never believe the stories I tell about her, when they meet her. I think she has developed an anxiety of some sort, from not being exposed to enough social type situations. She doesn't get shy, or chatty, she gets CRAZY HYPER. She is NOT like this ordinarily. Not even close. I was taking measures to avoid this before mom got sick. We were involved in alot of activities that exposed her to, not only other children, but other adults as well. Now, she gets dropped off at her daddy's office for a dr.'s appt, then picked back up immediately. No social interaction, no intellectual stimulation. This is something I NEVER thought that I would allow to happen to one of my children. I want so badly for them to be comfortable around others and all around just well-adjusted.

Nori has been ready to be potty trained for a few months now. She could already be trained, if she just had someone to take up some time with her. We are so in and out of the house, that I have barely worked with her. Also, she is super smart, but doesn't get near about the one on one learning time that Neva received at that same age. It's just not fair.

• My house looks like it is vacant. We live out of clothes baskets and only have a couple home cooked meals per week.
• My husband works seven days a week, and carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He feels guilty about not being able to help me more. I feel resentful sometimes, and I feel sorry for him sometimes. Mainly, I wish I could help him more. Take some of his load off.
• I am losing my mom. If I had to name something that was just straight up, "WRONG" with me....This would be it. It's happening slowly and right before my eyes. I am dealing with it and watching it while being pregnant and completely hormonal. I have relatives going through it alongside me, but ultimately, I feel alone. The only one I truly confide in is my mom, and I don't really want to burden her at this point. Everyday I am faced with a "how's it going to be?" thought, where I try and picture my handling a certain situation without her. This thought is sometimes unbearable, but feels inevitable.

 Naturally, in keeping the balance of things, I decided to make yet ANOTHER list......

What Is "RIGHT" With Me?:

• I am pregnant. I feel like I have missed the enitre pregnancy and there is only a FEW weeks left! But I cannot wait for the arrival of my third little beauty. I want to hold that little body in my arms. I am excited to see who she looks like and kiss her little cheeks. I want to introduce her to my girls. I want my mom to meet her and hold her.
• I have wonderful little girls that are so understanding:

Some days I am so tired or down or my body hurts so bad that I don't feel like being fun. This induces a guilty feeling. BUT,  it is on these days that my girls "read me" and give me a little break. I always try to make it up later when I feel better. Things have changed for them because of my mom's illness. But, I know that though things are hard right now and not the way I pictured for them, they will be proud of their mommy one day when they fully understand. I am doing what I must do as a loving daughter, and I know my girls would do the same for me. Perhaps I am not teaching letters or putting enough emphasis on potty training---but I really feel like I am instilling other values in their little hearts and minds. Family values. The best kind.

I feel that Neva's little anxiety issue will "fix itself" once I get her back involved in social type situations (the library, gymnastics, etc).   I HAVE NEVER met a 3 year old more articulate and intellectual than Neva. And I have met ALOT of 3 year olds. Once you break through that silly, defiant, little defense mechanism she uses to shield herself from people she doesn't really know, you uncover a beautiful mind that baffles me on a daily basis.
Nori, wow. Little Nori. She is my little angel. I worry about her feeling like the "middle child", but her little personality is so absolutely wonderful that I know she will be fine. She tells me she loves me a hundred times a day and I love every second of it. She has the cutest little lisp. She kisses me when I cry. I believe she is super smart for her age and LOVE to hear her talk (in full sentences now!).

• My house may be messy, but it is SO full of heart. When we walk in the door, the girls and I immediately collapse into our worn out furniture. We wouldn't trade our time with Gammy for anything, but there couldn't be a more true statement than "there's no place like home". It may not be gourmet, but we can come together at our kitchen table over some Popeye's Chicken or Domino's Pizza or even a ham sandwich, and still soak up what's important: time with each other.
• My husband is so driven and dedicated and just the hardest worker I know. He gives everything to his family. Sometimes this means us not seeing him as much as I'd like. Or me not having the amount of help that I'd like. But he supports me. He listens to me rant, rave, cry, throw tantrums and breakdown. Then he picks me up. He is always there for me and loves me like no one else ever could. He is the best dad to my children and husband to me that I could have ever asked God to deliver to me.
• I have had (ALMOST) 29 years with the best mom to ever walk the face of the planet. We have been dealt a hand that I would not have chosen. But that's just how it is. I am coming to terms with it every day. Perhaps I will never fully arrive at the acceptance stage. She took care of me and nursed me and was always there for me, and now God has given me the opportunity to pay her back. I may have to view some things that are difficult for a child to see, but I will be there for her every second of the way.

After making my lists, my paranoia wore off and I became angry. Angry with MYSELF for giving something as insignificant as a rumor any amount of energy or attention. My car will continue to be at mom's house alot. People will still see me running around Walmart trying to round up my two wild animals. If you talk to me very long, I'm probably going to cry. I will forever be raw and honest in my blogs, at the risk of sounding crazy- in hopes that my honesty will help someone else cope with a similar situation.

So what's "wrong" with me? Nothing that can't be rewritten the "right" way.