Overlooked Gifts

 I sat, waiting in her favorite chair for her return from the unscheduled doctor's appt. Its a soft and comfortable chair. She went so many years with a living room suit that was falling apart. Now she has nice furniture that feels good to her ailing body. I rubbed my hand along the fabric covering the arm, carefully observing the soft texture and smiling to myself as I noticed little stains. The "no eating in the living room" rule lasted for a about 30 seconds after the furniture was moved in. She just can't tell the kids "no". It's impossible. I get it. I understand why this is her favorite chair. It's pretty like her. It's soft like her heart. It's design is unique, like her personality. Maybe it's my favorite chair too. Maybe I just like it because it makes me feel close to her.

I am praying that the fluids make her feel better. I am wishing that I could be with her, but with two angels asleep in what was once my bedroom, and no babysitter available, my joining her is impossible. I knew this morning. I actually have known for a couple days. Yesterday was pretty bad. She made her way over to my house after radiation. When she walked in the door, she practically collapsed onto my couch from fatigue. She was only there for a couple hours, but it was very evident to me that she is getting worse. Much, much worse. As the kids napped, she watched me wrap Christmas presents. She barely spoke. She kept dozing off. There was none of the usual excitement that accompanies my mama at Christmas time. Usually, the gift buying/giving is SUCH an event. I have seen her on top of the world and fighting mad when it comes to selecting and giving the perfect gift. ESPECIALLY when it comes to her grand babies. She barely voiced an opinion about the toys I was wrapping. Completely out of character. I felt sad. I also felt aggravated. Kind of aggravated at her, kind of aggravated with the situation. Just plain aggravated and sad. I scolded myself mentally each time I looked at her. It just makes it worse. I forced myself to stare at the tv watching her favorite reruns on TBS. I care nothing about Raymond or The King of Queens, but those are her favorite. I knew. I knew something was wrong.

She would periodically grab her stomach and moan. "It's just cramps", she would reassure me. All of her medications, especially her chemo, have side effects that involve her stomach. I tried to tell myself she was right. I knew she was wrong. She did too. This morning when I first spoke to her and she told me about her chest pain (the LEFT side of her chest), I was worried. Very worried. "Mom, I'm gonna call them and...." she interrupted me with an elevated and aggravated tone "NO!, don't call. I don't want to go today! I just want to get my radiation and go home. Please. Just let me go home." I felt my feelings hurting from the scolding. I hesitantly said "ok, mom", "Ok...." she said, with her tone lowering, but remaining tainted with frustration. "I'll call you when I'm done with radiation, I love you....Bye...." She barely gave me enough time to reciprocate before hanging up.

I sat there on the couch with tears in my eyes as my children watched their morning cartoons. I knew I needed to call. I knew it. But who am I to go against her wishes? I sat pondering the possibilities of her condition. Perhaps, she is smoking too much. Perhaps she has a cold. Perhaps the cancer is growing. Perhaps the chemo/radiation combo just REALLY has her down. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Just then, the phone rang. I was glad to see her number on the caller ID. "hey",  she said with a much softer tone "I think I DO need to see someone. I might just be giving in to all this....But I think something might be wrong, will you call for me?".....My answer was the obvious one. I spent the next hour realizing that it was absolutely impossible for me to join her. I had NO ONE to keep the girls. I dressed them and we drove to town anyway. If I can't be with her, I want to be close to her. We texted back and forth and spoke a couple times too. She told me over the phone that she would be receiving fluids and some anti-nausea medicine. "That's it?" I thought to myself.....No scan? No further testing? Nothing???? No mention of the cancer? It seemed odd to me. I wasn't satisfied, but I believed her. This time, I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW. I had no idea the news that would be delivered to me just a couple hours later.

As I sat there in the soft, pretty and unique chair, I planned our day together. I thought I would clean her house, then make a pot of soup, then help her wrap her presents. Little did I know, I would barely be able to hold myself together after she told me the remainder of her conversation with Dr. Penland.

When she walked in the door I noticed how little she looked in that big ole' coat. She has coats that fit her, why is she wearing that over sized thing? She shivers in 80 degree weather, maybe all that fabric hanging off of her somehow actually helps more so than a better fitting garment would. She didn't look any better. She looked pretty bad. Guess the fluids didn't work. She pretty much collapsed into her couch, much like at my house the day before. She patted the couch next to her and invited me to come sit down. When I got over there, she held my hand, caressed my large belly, and moved the hair out of my face. I still didn't know. "I want to tell you what me, Gail, and Dr. Penland talked about today" she said......It was then that I knew. I knew. I knew........It was as if there was a secret language that I decoded. The next 10 minutes were filled with words that broke my heart, and threatened to never allow it to heal again.

My mom's body is breaking down. The chemo is killing her. The doctor left the decision for my mom. She can continue to have treatment that may or may not prolong her life, but will definitely make it miserable and sickly as it has been for a while now OR she can stop treatment and possibly even be well enough to enjoy Christmas and her remaining time without the toxins in her body. I knew her decision before she had a chance to tell me. Unfortunately, Neva woke up about halfway through her explanation. Mom is not real big on my kids getting upset. She will do anything to make them happy. She will feed them candy 24/7, she will let them leave cheetoh fingerprint stains on her favorite brand new chair, she will make separate meals to make them happy, and she WILL NOT let emotions, or lack of control of, upset them. She has stopped conversations many times. Today was no exception. Though our conversation was paused, the tears continued to flow for me. Mom was sniffling. Neva, who usually wakes from nap feeling affectionate, saw our faces and sensed our sadness. She sat down by herself. She looked at us with a mad expression. " I THOUGHT ya'll were gonna be happy today" she said. Mom and I looked at each other. We had no idea what she was talking about. But we knew she wasn't happy that we were crying, yet again. "I AM happy" mom said "See?" (she smiled really big). Neva wasn't fooled. I confessed that she was right-we WERE sad. I asked her if she knew why. "Because Gammy is sick", she replied with conviction and wisdom in her voice that far exceeded her 3 years of age. "That's right baby. I am very sad that Gammy is sick. It makes me cry. It's ok to cry when you feel sad", I assured her. She still seemed angry with us. I still don't understand why. But she eventually warmed up and came over to us. I spent the next couple of hours at mom's house pretending like I didn't know what I knew and wishing things were different. Hoping for a miracle.

Michael came by and, upon hearing the news, took the girls home with him. I stayed at mom's. Ronnie came in from work. Then later on, Josh made his way over. Mom talked to each of us individually. We all cried. She then spoke to her sisters and her brother over the phone. I worried about their response. But mama was confident in her decision, and it was evident in her delivery. She wasn't looking for advice. She wasn't looking for approval. She was just looking for support. Before I left, she invited me to lay in bed with her. Our conversation would not be interrupted by little ones, this time. She told me she wasn't scared. She said "I have always feared the unknown, you know that....But I am not scared". She told me that she was tired of being tired. Tired of being sick. Tired of watching from the couch as her grand babies played. She said "I would rather have ONE DAY of playing with my grand babies, like I used to, than FOREVER on a couch too sick to enjoy them". I was unable to control my tears. Much like now, as I type this. I still feel her soft hands rubbing my fore head. I laid on my side. She on hers. Her tears fell onto the pillow just as mine did. " I want you to know how much I love you, Nikki. I know you worry about what you will do when I am gone. What you will do when you can't pick up the phone and call me. But I know you. You know me. I am in there" (she pointed to my my heart) " I will always be in there. SO you will always know what I would do in any given situation. I want you to stop worrying so much. I don't want you to worry your life away. You can't hold everything together by yourself, and no one expects you to. I would love for you and your brothers to stay close after I am gone, but I also know that life happens and things change. All you can do is try." I was crying pretty hard at this point. Much like now as I rehash it for you. "Mama, everything was so good. You are Neva's best friend. It makes me so happy to see you with my girls. Now they won't have you. I wanted you there with us." She listened attentively to my cracking voice. "I wanted to be there. But God has a different plan. I don't know what it is, but it's the better plan. The girls will remember their Gammy. I know you worry about that. They will. They will remember me. You will help them.You are such a good mama, and I am so proud of you. They are so beautiful. I love them so much" the tears streamed her face. "But mama, you won't be there. You won't meet her. Mili." I was crying so hard I could barely speak. I want her there so badly. The thought of going through child birth without her holding my hand and bringing a baby into this world that my mom will never meet kills me. " I will try my best to be there Nikki, I promise." She reassured me.

  We laid there together in her bed talking and crying for a while, before it was time for me to head home and cook for my family. Before I went home, Mom had me return the store keys to Ms. Sharon at her old job. This tore me up. Ms. Sharon had encouraged her long time, faithful employee to hold on to the key when she first became ill. When she got better, she could return to work. Eight months later, upon hearing the news, my mom decided that due to the circumstances, sadly, she would never be able to return to work again. I tried not to cry as I handed her the key that my mom cherished so much in her healthier days, but as I saw the employees piling in for the annual Christmas party, I was reminded of better days. Days when mom and I BOTH attended those parties. I realized that this would be the first year in over a decade that my mom would miss the David's Grocery Christmas party. AND that she would never attend another one. I cried. I cried the whole way home. I am crying now as I tell you. It is all I can do.

 My mom often says "There is only One, who can say when my time is up. No one else" and she is right. Tomorrow I will be at mom's house bright and early. I will hang out with her the entire day. Probably the day after that, and the day after that too. Ever how many days I am blessed with, I am going to take advantage of them. I am devastated, but content. I am proud of my mom. There are no words to express my pride for her fight and spirit. She passed that down to me. Her situation brought me to God. She has given me life and so much more......

So now as you scour the stores for the perfect gifts, I beg you, please take a moment to realize......you already have them. Realize it before it's too late.