Let the Breeze In

The last few days have been a blurr. At first, I was devastated. Then, there were a couple days that I was really strong. Barely any crying. At this moment, I am a wreck. My outlook greatly depends on mom and her health at that given moment. Right now, it's not good.

After I posted the "Overlooked Gifts" blog, I received lots of wonderful comments and prayers through this site, phone calls and texts. Mom has had a few visitors and some even brought gifts and/or food. Those of you that have reached out will never know.....Never EVER know, how you have uplifted my mom and our family. When someone sends a card, when someone brings over a dish, even when someone stops by just to say "hello",  ----she turns into a different person. She turns into the "old mama". It's only a glimpse, but I love to see her like that. We all do. The last few months have been an absolute roller coaster ride. Thank you so much for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers.


When mom was first diagnosed, I had her make a "Non-bucket list" . Anyway, we have slowly been trying to make all of her dreams a reality over the last few months. Upon hearing that the chemo would be stopped, and soon the radiation as well, I began working diligently to finish the list. Some of it is superficial stuff. Some of it sentimental. I am happy to report that pretty much everything has been achieved. The main one was "spend quality time with my family". We have been, and will continue to make that one a reality. Saturday, I asked my aunts to have lunch with us. I used this as an excuse to get a tired, cold, and feeble mama out of the house. We did a little (and I mean a LITTLE) Christmas shopping, then had lunch with some of my Taylorsville family. Her little body just can't take alot of activity right now. Though the physicality of the day was minimal, mom is STILL recovering from the Saturday shopping trip.

I've been dying for mom to go to a hibachi grill restaurant and eat. She's never been. We finally made it to one Saturday. She didn't know what to order....

We probably don't want to know the contents of this top secret conversation....

The show was good! But the food was BETTER!!!!

Noah: NOT A FAN OF FIRE.....

Stamp of approval. She ate really good. Not good for a well person, but really good for her. She said she had a blast!

Sadly, Saturday is pretty much the last day mom felt good. Sunday (yesterday) was bad....REALLY bad. I went to take her breakfast. When I arrived, I could see the fatigue written all over her face. She humored me and nibbled a bit, before leaving me and the girls in the living room and retiring to her bedroom. She was freezing, though it was literally almost 80 degrees in her house. I know when she leaves us to go to bed, it's bad. She would never do that other wise. I did some work around her house, and kept a close eye on her for a couple of hours. I was frightened and sad. Before I left, I snapped this picture. She was in her jacket, hat, and under a blanket, laying across her bed under a heat vent.

I kissed her on the cheek, then headed home to help my husband prepare for the Shipley's employee Christmas party. I secretly wondered if mom would feel good enough to babysit Neva, like we planned. I pretty much knew the answer, but hoped that a little sleep would make her feel better and she would be able to spend some much needed QT with her oldest granddaughter. As I cooked, I spoke with Ronnie and Amber frequently through texts, who updated me on her condition. It was the same all day: asleep. She slept the ENTIRE day. My phone rang around 3:30 and it was mom. "Hey, I just woke up" she said groggily. "Are you feeling any better?" I asked. "I'm not sure, I literally JUST woke up. Are you bringing Neva?" She sounded bad. I responded the best way I knew how:"Mom, I'm just going to take her, I don't think it's a good idea for her to stay. You need your rest and she's a handful". I could tell mom was disappointed, but at the same time--she knew I was right. At first she said "Nikki, I CAN handle it..." Then, she started to cry and said in an aggravated, yet broken hearted tone "I just want to feel better..I want to keep my babies. I want to keep her, it makes me feel bad that I'm not able...." She was crying pretty hard. She ended the conversation pretty quickly, but encouraged us to have fun. Impossible. How could I? Knowing that her body was betraying her the way it was. She wanted so badly to do something, that she COULD NOT PHYSICALLY DO. I cannot imagine her pain, physical nor emotional. I worried about her and thought about her and felt her weighing heavily on my heart through the entirety of the party. I wanted to be upbeat and enthusiastic for my husband, but I was a wreck on the inside. I can't stand to hear her cry or to see her so defeated. When we first received the news, and mom made her decision to stop chemo, she was strong. Really strong. She was so confident and seemed even a little relieved. Though I was scared and sad, her reaction helped me cope. She wasn't the greatest health wise, (really tired, unable to eat, coughing alot, etc), but her demeanor was very positive. That was not the case Sunday. She was very quiet and seemed sad and scared. After the party, we went by to see her. She was STILL in bed. I climbed in with her, facing her and held her hand. I watched as she slowly opened her eyes. "Hey baby" she said with half open eyes and a quiet whisper. "Did ya'll have fun?" I responded with a more positive than truthful answer "yes mam". "How were the girls?" She asked. Before I could respond, the tears began rolling from her eyes. "They were fine" I said, wiping her tears away. She continued to cry for a while, before 4 little feet came running into the dark bedroom and climbed up on the bed. Neva saw that mom was crying. She reached down and gave her a big hug. Then kissed her 3 times. Once on the mouth, then the hand, then again on the mouth. This seemed to make mom feel better, yet she began to cry harder. "I'm sorry you didn't get to stay with me" mom choked out to Neva. Neva looked at her closely. She seemed to be reading the situation.  "it's okay Gammy, I can stay next time". I was proud of my baby. What a difficult thing to understand for a 3 yr old. Next came Nori. She delicately gave mom a hug and kiss and told her she loved her. "I love you too baby", mama said with tears streaming her face. "You have bobo's?" Nori asked innocently. "Yes, baby, I have lots of bobo's", mama responded. The girls presence in her room was bittersweet. I know mom doesn't like to cry in front of them. They don't understand. They just get this weird, confused, sad and kind of scared look on their face. I see that face alot. "Mama", I said softly, rubbing her head, "why are you so emotional today?" "I don't know", she responded and quickly began to wipe away her tears and sit up. "Lets get out of here and stop talking and I'll be okay". I listened to her. We went into the living room and kept the remainder of the conversation light and airy. I sat close to her. She laid over on my shoulder. I held her as if she were my child. In that moment, I felt as though she WAS my child. I rubbed her head and held her hand and tried to soothe her as much as possible. We watched as two hyper little girls ran wild and that tired husband of mine dozed in the recliner. Soon, it was time for me to leave. I was hesitant, but I had no choice. I cried the whole way home.

Today wasn't much better. Mama got up and went to radiation. The girls and I met her in town. She was pretty pitiful. We ran a couple errands, and after we went our separate ways, she went home. Amber, Josh and the boys hung out with her most of the day. From what I understand, she stayed awake most of the time. She was tired and not feeling well, but she stayed awake. We will look at that as progress. I stayed home this afternoon, partly because my house needed some attention, partly because my back was aching so badly, but mainly because I'm very emotional. I made the mistake of looking through some old photos and seeing her the way she was just a few months ago, ripped my heart out. When Michael got home, he looked at me and smiled. "Hey", is all he got out of his mouth before I started crying and fell onto his shoulder. He didn't ask. He already knew.

I have alot of things running through my mind. The main one, is "will she be here when Mili's born?". Saturday, I would have said "no doubt". Yesterday and today, have me worried. We hoped that there would be a "window" when the chemo wore off, before the cancer started moving real fast, where mom felt good. Like real good. Like the old mom. We have yet to see that window. I hope it is near. With all these doors closing, we sure could use a nice open window.