She didn't have a great day today. We made plans after the game last night to have breakfast this morning. Well, after about an hour of calling back to back, I FINALLY got her. She slept super late. Needless to say, breakfast was out. But more importantly, I couldn't stop dwelling on the sound of her voice. It was...sad...tired...sickly...weak... You name it, if it's alarming, she sounded that way. I tried to tell myself that she was just tired after such a long/cold night and go on about my day. But it definitely raised a red flag for me. I had a few errands to run and just as I was finishing up, my cell phone rang. It was that same voice. I felt my heart cringe a bit. I can't really explain to you why I would let something as insignificant as a "tone" effect me so strongly...All I can tell you is I know my mom....and I know when something is up. She talked for a while then said "y'all coming out here?" I answered with "well, they need a nap before the festival at 3. We really don't have time". She sounded even more down when she said. "Oh. I really wanted to see the girls". How do you say "no" to that? We headed that way. When I pulled up in her yard, she was sitting on the porch. My heart sank deep into my stomach when my eyes found her pale face. There were dark circles around her eyes. Her skin was free of the warm hue is had possessed just the night before. How can something change SO much in SO little time? I fought back tears before I could even put my car in "park". We went inside. She told me (for the third time this week) that the right side of her chest was hurting. The first time, I may have given it a few minutes thought. Yesterday when she told me, I wasn't able to stop thinking about it. But TODAY....Today I started thinking bad stuff. What if the cancer is on the move again? She is coughing alot. She is pretty down. Her chest is hurting. These are all very familiar symptoms of a not so fond time in our lives. I pretended to not be concerned while we were there at her house. However, the lady that 10 minutes earlier had asked us to come over, had fallen asleep 5 min after we arrived. I sat there in her living room floor cutting felt to make my little costume for the fall festival at Journey Church. I allowed the kids to play while she slept angelically on the couch. I avoided looking at her because I didn't want to cry. I knew I would. I knew it. By the time I made it home, my good and festive mood from earlier had been replaced with a knot of fear in my stomach. I put the girls down for a late nap, and then gathered up all of our costumes and kept myself busy so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with the "what if's" that were relentlessly reoccurring inside my mind. When Michael came home, it didn't take much more than saying "hey" to make the tears fall like rain. I told him that I was scared. "What if there's nothing left that will work?" I asked with a quivering voice, knowing that he did not know the answer before I even asked. Michael remained quiet and never made eye contact with me. I knew deep down that he didn't know what to say. He knew there was no way to comfort me in that moment. We both knew it. I just sat there crying silently, aware that the girls needed their nap. They did not need to wake up to the sound of their mommy crying. I have not felt feelings that intense thus far. I think, there has always been another plan, until now. First, there was chemo. You don't ever feel good about chemo, but it was an attack plan. Then there was radiation. I hated radiation, but it was a fight against the cancer. Then, when it started moving, there was chemo #2. But what now? What if it moves again? Is there another plan? If so, I haven't heard it. This lack of knowledge leaves me with a lack of confidence and a overflow of intense fear. I cried until the phone rang. It was mom. I hid my cracking voice, until I could deceive her no longer. "I'm worried about your chest pain" I said, accidentally starting to cry again. Mom did her usual "Nikki! I'm fine baby. You gotta stop this. I will tell Gail and Dr. Penland about it on Monday. If it's growing, they'll just have to do something else. Now you STOP worrying about me." Perhaps her words comforted me. Perhaps not. Perhaps just hearing her voice comforts me. Either way, I was able to turn the tears off just in time for my girls to wake up. I pride myself to think that I can be just like my mom. She can take a bad situation and put it completely behind her for the sake of her kids and grand kids. Though I was hurting, that is exactly what I did for my girls today.
After nap time, I greeted the girls with their little costumes in hand. They have been SO anxious to wear them, so the minute Journey Church started advertising their Fall Festival, I decided that the girls would "break them in" on that day. That day was today. You have never seen two MORE excited girls than Neva and Nori after I put on their Autobot costumes. We ran around in the yard and played for a while before leaving for the festival. When we arrived, it was typical Journey. Smiling faces, friendly atmosphere, laid back feel. It was great.
Nori wasn't exactly thrilled about moving away from her candy long enough to take a picture.
Ms. Leslie is Neva's new bestie. The new friendship only cost her quadruple the amount of candy Neva SHOULD have got, and 2 extra pumpkin buckets to carry around.
Good folks.
This lil guy directly in front of my camera was cheering about the zebra cake that he won during the cake walk.
Talk about going all out...
The place looked festive and inviting, but the people were EVEN BETTER than the atmosphere!
At the "self serve" candy bowls, my girls tried to go crazy. I had to keep reminding them that there were OTHER children!
Just when you think your kids have "manners" mastered, you go and take them trunk or treating....manners out the window.
Luckily everyone was a good a sport for my candy-starved autobots.
This is the new pose. I don't get it. Side-ways head with goofy-closed-eye-smile. HHHMMM......
A great man.
For those of you who do not watch Transformers EVERY NIGHT like us, Neva is Optimus Prime. Nori is BumbleBee. And that is the Planet CyberTron on my belly. After all, the Autobots once lived there (one still does).
I am so glad that we decided to visit Journey Church a few months ago. We were embraced with open arms and concerned souls from the moment we walked in the door. My mom has been showered with love and prayers. We have met some wonderful people and become linked to a family much larger than our own. We are still just visitors at the church, but I know some day soon I will call Journey my home. When you are bombarded with such negativity, it is easy to dwell on it. It is nice to remember that there is still beauty in the world. If you have not visited Journey yet, please do http://www.journeylaurel.com/
I am hurting, I won't lie. I am scared beyond words. I am unable to make it a moment in the day without worrying about losing my mom. But, I find myself more mature with my pain than when this all first began. It doesn't make it easier. I really don't cry any less. But I feel more capable of handling this than I once did. Life keeps happening, ya know? I can't sit here and tremble until the news rolls in. I have to give baths and cook supper. I have to trick or treat and do family dinners. I have to go on outings and make memories.
I worry what next week holds. Possible scans. Possible bad news. Only God knows what comes next. Mom has placed her faith in Him. I have placed my faith in Him. Now all we can do is live.
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