Hello. My Name Is Nikki........

................and I am addicted to "staging memories". The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well before I go into that, let me catch you up on everything (since this blog is dedicated to documenting memories).

Wed. Oct 12-

Me, my mom and the girls took a little shopping day. We don't do that very often anymore, so it was very nice. We only went to 3 stores. Target, The Children's Place, and Spirit Halloween Store, followed by Logans Roadhouse for a bite to eat. It was only a few hrs, 3 or 4, but it was absolutely wonderful! Neva got a few outfits, Nori didn't get as much (she gets hand-me-downs, bless her heart), they got a pr of shoes and their Halloween costumes. Neva will be Optimus Prime, Nori will be Bumblebee. With my growing abdomen (and everything else), I have decided to be planet Earth. After all, that IS where the autobots live.

Thurs. Oct 13-

Mama watched Nori while I took Noah and Neva to a preschool-prep class at the library. It was SO cute. We had a blast. Noah was a great listener, but weary of all the new faces. Neva was hyped up and had to be reminded to calm down and listen. All in all, they both did great! AND I got to do the Hokey Pokey in public for the first time since I quit my job. Thank Goodness! I have been dying to do that....

Fri. Oct 14-

My uncle Ricky (the nicest guy ever), started having excruciating abdominal pains. I sat home with my girls texting and anxiously awaiting new from my mom as she and her sister took him to the hospital. He had to have his appendix removed that day. He did great during the surgery and as soon as Michael got home, we went to the hospital to see him. While we were there walking down the hall, Neva stopped dead in her tracks staring into another patient's room. "MAMA!" She yelled with excitement. "I FOUND SANTA CLAUS!!!!"I ran back to quickly grab her hand and "shoo" her away from the open door. When I glanced inside, I couldn't help but notice the two nurses laughing at her reaction. And then my eyes found him....IT REALLY DID LOOK JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS! I was burning red with embarrassment, but I couldn't help but think, "wow". Later on, the Santa look-a-like hobbled down the hall with his furry little beard and bright red shirt. He smiled and handed an astonished Neva and Nori an autographed Santa Photo. He quietly walked away as my girls yelled "THANKS SANTA!". He climbed into a wheelchair and the nurses wheeled him away. It was the cutest and strangest thing. It couldn't have been the REAL Santa....Right? Anyway, if only for a moment, it made our little family remember a more happy and magical time in our lives.

Sat. Oct 15-

Lazy day.....Hung out at home all day until the afternoon. Then I went to moms and cooked potato salad and baked beans to go with the ribs and burgers that Ronnie grilled. It was delish!

Sun. Oct 16-

Mama wasn't feeling too good. But she was itching to get back to church. I think she may have rushed it a bit because she was really tired and coughing during the service. I also noticed that my skinny, bald little social butterfly wasn't talking too much. That was totally out of character. She spent most of the rest of the day sleeping.

Mon. Oct 17-

Mom had a dr's appt. I took Neva to meet her dad at the donut shop after he finished cooking lunch because she was going with him and her PawPaw to the stockyard. So, I went by the clinic to surprise mom afterwards. Michael very seldom gets alone time with the girls because of his demanding work schedule, so he was very excited....but not as excited as Neva. I always like hearing him tell stories about their adventures. Apparently she had to.....um.....use the restroom......everywhere that they stopped.... Shipleys, the stockyard, and Wendy's. I found this mental picture to be absolutely hilarious! and I secretly wanted to thank Neva and her bowels for giving her Daddy a little dose of what I put up with EVERY day. Michael said they had a great time! Nori was lost without her sister....They are never apart, so it was really hard on her. I tried to make it fun. First we went to see mom at the clinic. (They said she looked good. Her white blood cell count was low, but she had gained a lb!) Next, we played outside, then I got mom, Amber and the boys to meet us at Mi Casita's. Mom didn't eat anything except chips and dip and she was very quiet. I was really worried about her.

Tues. Oct 18-

I had to have my glucose test done. For those of you who don't know, or who are lucky enough to have forgotten, you can't eat or drink before your appt, then you have to drink this disgusting stuff, wait an hour, then get your blood drawn. They said no news is good news, and I have heard nothing yet. So I am happy about that. In fact, this pregnancy has been pretty smooth sailing so far. I am having a small issue with arthritis-like pain and some swelling in my joints, but nothing to write home about. That same day, mom took chemo. When I got done with my test, I went over and saw her. I took her some donut holes to snack on. That night, I made a dinner and took mom and Ronnie a plate. When I got there, Amber, Noah and Brady were there. The wind was blowing and it was a beautiful fall afternoon. We all ran through the yard trying to catch the leaves as they snapped loose from their comfy lil homes and drifted slowly to the ground. Even mom got in on the action. It was a great day that took me back to my childhood.

Wed. Oct 19-

I officially turned down an employment opportunity. I questioned whether it was the right choice. I still am questioning it. I know that I could use something to distract my mind from this situation....But I DON'T need anything to distract me from my mom.

Thurs. Oct 20-

We missed preschool prep. I was having a pretty bad morning. I was on the verge of tears, I was hurting in my stomach and my joints. We went to moms for a while. Michael and I had a date planned for later that night, but judging by mom's appearance, I wasn't going to be able to leave the kids with her like I planned. She could barely pull herself off the couch. She was pretty pitiful. I found myself down as well. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore, but there I was.....letting HER health predict MY mood. I know there are alot of not-so-great days in our future. So, I can't let myself get so upset every time she is a little down. I was very emotional this entire day. When it came time for our little date, I called mom and JUST LIKE THAT --she was ready! When it comes to her grand kids, she just puts up this strong front. Even if she's weak, she will appear strong. If she is worried, she fakes confident. If she is tired, she makes herself play. It is truly amazing. We went and had a steak, held hands, laughed, and pretended like there was nothing complicated waiting on us at home. It was wonderful. He is tied for the title of "my best friend in the whole world". The best decision I ever made was saying "yes" when he asked me out about 10 years ago. He is the absolute love of my life. Because I couldn't keep my mind off of mom and the kids, and he had to be at work super early, we headed back home shortly after our supper. Neva decided to spend the night with mom, while "mama's baby" Nori, wanted to go home with us. Mom looked tired, but seemed like she was having a good time.

Fri. Oct 21-

 We all piled up and went to my brother's ballgame. Laurel vs. Northeast Lauderdale. It was alot of fun. We sit by the field house at the home games and the kids get to run and play. Life is always better when you're not forcing kids to remain seated. We stopped by Wendy's beforehand, but that didn't stop me and the kids from eating pickles, popcorn and sour straws. Mom doesn't do too well in cold weather, but she did great on this particular night. Maybe it was excitement for being able to see her son coach for the first time all season (she has been to sick to attend), or maybe it was the two pairs of socks, the two shirts and jacket, the sweat pants, two toboggans, and the two blankets......Either way, it was a blast. Unfortunately, it was on this night that I realized my camera wasn't working. I assumed it was dead. I was devastated to not be able to commemorate this night.

Sat. Oct 22-

We went to the Pumpkin Patch. I had allowed my camera to charge all night. However, when I went to snap my first picture, it wouldn't come on. Maybe it was hormones, or maybe I was justified in my fear of not being able to put these memories onto photo paper, but either way, I started to cry. Between the ballgame and now the pumpkin patch, I was losing all these valuable memories. "What if we never come back here again?" I kept asking myself mentally. Mom did good, but I could tell she didn't feel the best. Nori had woke up extra early and was ill as a hornet as the day rocked on, while Neva kept trying to run away from me, making my heart skip a beat numerous times. It was not the day I had imagined. It was very stressful, but we managed to have a good time.

Sun Oct. 23-

We went to Mitchell Farms....AGAIN! This time with Michael (who has half the day off on Sundays) and his parents, sisters, and all of our nieces and nephews. It was better than the day before. The kids were better behaved, and so was I, for that matter. I could not help but regret the day before, and wish it had went smoother. We finished the night with a meal at Mi Casitas.

Mon Oct 24-

Mom went to the dr.  They said that she may have to start receiving some sort of shot to aid her white cell count. She has also been having problems with her ears since radiation ended, so they made her an appt with Dr. Stevens, ENT. She went home to get some rest, because we had plans to go to the fair. Luckily, I realized my camera was fine! My charger was broken. Unfortunately, I realized this at the last minute, so it only charged for like a second before we left. But at least I got a few pictures....

Michael had to ride some of the stuff due to the height requirements.....

Mama watched lovingly as her oldest little grand babies rode the rides like big kids. Most of the time they giggled all the way through the rides.

Nori was sad.....She wanted so badly to join her sister and cousin, but even with adult accompaniment, she wasn't allowed.

That's my nephew on the left, my baby comes next, then a cute stranger, followed by my biggest baby....

One man laughed so hard through this ride that he was crying by the time his daughter got off. It was really funny, but sweeter than anything. After all, they couldn't have got on the ride without him......

We tried to keep her entertained.....

This will go down in history as the BEST TIME I HAVE EVER HAD AT THE FAIR. We literally had a blast. Mom did great. We ate alot. Rode alot. Laughed alot. It was perfect.

Tues. Oct. 25-

Mama had to go "re-do" her medicaid and then straight to chemo. I felt bad that I couldn't go with her, but she assured me she was fine. I usually try to be in town on chemo days, just in case she has some sort of reaction. But I stayed home. I worried the whole time and texted and called her repeatedly, but I never left my house. Luckily, she did fine. After chemo, she went to see Dr. Stevens. For lack of a better way to word it, he "sucked her ears out". She found great relief in this. He said that he was concerned that radiation could have caused some minor hearing loss, so if she had any problems to come back for proper testing. She was so relieved to be able to hear and not talk in an echo inside her head, that she didn't find herself concerned about the minor hearing loss. I made her a good ole southern redneck supper that night: Neck bones n taters, peas n cornbread, corn on the cob and mac n cheese with a big ole glass of sweet tea. Gotta fatten that girl up.

Wed. Oct. 26-

Met mom at Shipleys for a delicious breakfast. Of course she just drank coffee. I went ahead and ate enough for her. I, then, had to go get groceries, while she went home to get some rest.

So, there you have it. A little review of our lives since we last spoke. Back to my addiction....

I am having a serious problem with memories. I am so fearful that "This could be the last time we....." that I can't even enjoy it. I am so scared I am going to miss a look, a smell, a story, a piece of advice, a photo opportunity, that I can' really focus on anything else. I plan these events and outings, then when life happens and it's not fairy tale, I get upset. I sometimes even cry. Actually, I always cry when things are not "story book". And, when are things EVER story book? When I didn't have my camera for a few days, I became literally ill. Sick to my stomach at the thought of all I was missing. I just want to remember everything, ya know? I feel like I have been given this gift. The gift of precious time. However, as it ticks away, I worry that it is being wasted. Then I worry that I am wasting it by WORRYING about wasting it. Crazy, huh? I find it difficult to go on many outings that don't involve my mom. Then I worry that I am shutting others out. I know I have got to get a hold on this obsession. Anyone know a good Memory-Addiction 12 step program?