Life As We Know It

It has been a few days since my last post. I have been having a really tough time lately. Mom finished cycle 4 of chemo and is doing pretty good. Right now she is exhausted, her appetite is not great, and she is having trouble with her stomach. How is she doing "pretty good"?, you might ask....Well we have experienced what we consider to be "rock bottom", and we have learned to appreciate days like today. We literally have no idea from day to day what is going to happen next. Her reaction to one chemo cycle doesn't determine the reaction to the next one. If there is anything we can predict about this illness and the medicine, it's that you can't predict anything about it.

Since the last time I wrote, my mom actually babysat for me! I don't know that it was the greatest idea, but she was more than willing and actually said "Nikki, I WANT to do this. Let me do this while I can". How can you say "no" to that? We dropped the girls off at her house around 5:45 and went to a crawfish boil. I called so many times, not to check on the kids, but to check on mama, that she finally said "STOP CALLING, WE ARE FINE!"  Though, I found it hard to relax, we had fun. The next day was Michael's first day off in months, so I didn't want to rob him of his rare opportunity to stay up late. We ate our weight in crawfish, potatoes, and corn. It was delicious. It was nice to get away too. We picked the kids up just after 10:00 (that is late for us). Nori was asleep and Neva was droopy eyed. Mom was tired, but I could tell that the girls gave her a break too. Not a physical break (far from it), but a mental break from all her worries. She seemed lighter. She was smiling. I think she had fun. I was worried that she would be really down the next day from over-doing it, but she was fine. Tired, but fine. I know that I need to periodically let them stay with mom for her benefit and the girls, but it's just so hard. I worry so much. I have seen how one day she is fine and the next day she is in the hospital. I want them to have quality time, time alone with each other, but not at the risk of her health. An (almost) 3 yr old and an (almost) 1 1/2 yr old are a handful!

On the 4th of July, we all got together for a cookout. Ronnie grilled everything he could find at the grocery store. I made baked beans and potato salad and we had ice cream for dessert. It was a delicious spread. We had a great time. I caught mom laughing at the kids, giggling at Josh being goofy. She did pretty good faking that she felt okay. She was frustrated with her hair and wore a scarf most of the day. Her hair has beat the odds, though. The Dr. (who has been very blunt with us) is shocked that mom still has hair. What once was a thick head of silky hair is now a thin scalp of dry, kinky hair. She gets aggravated sometimes, but I think she looks beautiful. I know that her hair is symbolic of her body, which is also going to beat the odds and defeat this cancer. Before we all left, the energy was drained from her body. I saw it as it was happening. She had gone from the kitchen, to the back yard, to the couch. I actually laid on the couch with her for a while, until my motherly duties pulled me away from my daughterly desires. When I returned, she was asleep. Nori kept walking up to her Gammy and she would say "mammy!" and reach out for her, but "mammy" didn't jump up and tickle her into the floor like in the past. She wasn't faking just to lure the kids up, startle them, and play with them. She really was exhausted. How can I expect the kids to understand, if I can't? We all left so that she could get her rest. The healthy mom would never have fallen asleep. She would have worked a 10 hr day, then came home and cooked, then sat and entertained until the last guest left. Though we all had fun, it was a definite reminder that all of our lives have changed.....for good.

Today, I took mom to Taylorsville. It is really hard to make that drive and not see my papaw. But, it is very important to me that Neva and Nori know their extended family and have a good relationship with them. Only I can make that happen. My mom is insanely close to her sisters. They are best friends. I usually refer to them as "the aunts". We went and saw the aunts today and briefly stopped by papaw's old house and sat on his porch for a minute. I miss him so much. Easter, Papaw was in the hospital. But he was here. How will the next gathering be? Will we all come together? Was he the glue? Where will we gather? I wish he was here. I wish he was here for me and my girls, but more than anything, I wish my mama had her daddy while she is going through this. No one can quite comfort you like your parents. Michael tries for me. When Neva and Nori see me cry, they try. But NO ONE can make you feel better quite like your parents can. I wish she had that comfort now.

You know, everyday I am faced with a "it's never going to be the same" thought. You ever wonder about that? Why can't we just KNOW what tomorrow will bring? Why the mystery? It sure makes for a scary time on this earth. Even with myself, I DON'T have cancer, but I am UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN. I am unpredictable. One day I KNOW that everything is going to be okay. The next, I am positive that my life has been stolen from me. In a life full of pain, very little comfort and zero predictability, I am glad that I have found God. I am not the mature christian that I would like to be. But, I definitely find relief in His word, I find comfort in His love, and I find predictability in His promise.