In The Mean Time

I watched her frail frame walk around the showroom floor. She looked so beautiful with her new hair-do. She was skinny. Too skinny. She was eyeing the colorful and shiny merchandise. Following close behind was a sharply dressed man. A true salesman he was, as he described only the "pros" and not any "cons" of what he had to offer her. She carefully walked around the room comparing the various makes and models. Then pointed to the one she wanted. She ran her hand down the shiny chrome and felt the fabric inside. She seemed satisfied. Unfortunately we could not drive away in her choice. We were not car shopping. We were casket shopping.

Things have been really great lately. I don't know if things are looking up, or if my mom is REALLY tough. Either way, she is surprising some folks with her resilience toward this disease and the medicine that treats it. I mean, we have bad days. Some days she is so tired that she doesn't get out of her pajamas. Some days she works hard to cook a meal that her body desires only to get it done and the smell turns her stomach SO BADLY that she can't eat it. But all in all, my mom is a total trooper. Her faith is unwavering. Her bravery astounds me. Her sense of humor (although sometimes inappropriate) is commendable. She is approaching her 6th and final chemo treatment before "the break".  She has complete confidence that she will beat this disease. The subject recently came up about things she wanted to take care of soon. There was a long to-do list. The main one was paying for her funeral. When I offered to go with her, she said "you will? GOOD! I didn't want to go by myself". I knew I needed to go. I need to know what to do if ever I have to handle that kind of situation. So this morning we set off to tour a couple of Funeral Homes and compare prices.

When we pulled up at the first one we both hesitantly walked in the office door. We were greeted by a familiar face. It was a friend of mine's mom. She hugged us and asked mom how she was doing. It was a very warm welcome. When she asked how she could help us, my mom spoke her piece. I could tell that she added alot of info just to sugar coat the situation for me. I didn't mind. I needed a little sugar coating to be honest with you. "I have never bought a burial policy. I am fine and don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but I would like to go ahead and take care of this now. It's something I've been meaning to do". The nice lady pointed us in the direction of a sharply dressed man who would then take us around the facility and quote us some prices. I have been there many times. The feel of the air is cold and sad. The pretty decor cannot disguise the heartache and tears that those walls have with-held. "How did I get here?", I kept thinking to myself. I had to be strong. I had to pretend, if nothing else. I had to, FOR HER. She needs me now. I sat and listened as he described her options. My mom stopped him in his tracks when he began pitching super expensive packages her way. "I am not interested in anything fancy. I am not fancy. I want something simple. I won't even be here. I won't be in that box. I will be in Heaven", she declared with authority in her voice. I love that about my mom. Sometimes she talks too much and I want to shove a sock in her mouth. But I tell you what, you're ALWAYS going to know where she stands. I watched her and listened to her speak eloquently about how she wanted things to be. She was calm. So brave. I am envious. I want to be like that. My thoughts were interrupted by them standing and heading toward the "showroom". I followed close behind. We took an elevator to a higher floor. I couldn't help but notice that the temperature dropped 10 degrees or better when we got up there. I watched her walk around the room. I was silent. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing the coffins made my mind fast-forward to a dark day. It was all I could do to hold the tears in my eyes. I kept reminding myself to be strong for her. But I could feel my heart breaking without my permission. Finally after we were quoted a price, it was time to go. On the way out, we were hugged repeatedly by various people that knew us from mom's old job or the donut shop. Hugs do not mix well with a lump in your throat. I couldn't contain myself anymore. My emotions got the best of me. I was able to hide it from everyone by quickly walking to my car as they finished their "goodbye's". I turned it off pretty quickly before mom made it out there. But of course, Mama knew. She always does. 

 Today was tough. I am proud of my mom for being so responsible and courageous, even though I know with all of my heart that today was equally hard for her. Death is inevitable. It is part of life. One cannot exist without the other. I know "that day" is approaching....For ALL of us. In the mean time, I want to learn and love more. In the mean time, I want to pray harder and laugh heartier and enjoy my family. Time ticks away, seasons change, children grow, and we live. We can't wait sadly for the inevitable. Because what is happening "in the mean time" is LIFE. Let's live it.