Should Auld Aquaintance Be Forgot.........

It's strange how things change.......

10 years ago I was a teenager, doing what teenagers do on New Year's Eve....

5 years ago I was a married woman, with no children, hanging out with my husband as the new year rolled in....

Last year, I was asleep after a full night of fireworks with the kids. Blissfully unaware of what the new year would hold.....

Today...........

When I woke up this morning after only about 3-4 hours of sleep, I was struggling. I felt exhausted and found it very difficult to put one foot in front of the other. I told the girls yesterday that I would take them to the park, but then we ended up doing the meet and greet all day, and ran out of day light. So I knew that I needed to take them today. They needed some QT from me and a fun day. Before I realized just how yucky I felt, I told them that we would go. AFTER they got all excited, I realized just how sleepy I was, my feet were swollen, my legs were achy, and my back was hurting (I could keep going....). Tony the Tiger helped me out with breakfast and  I spent a couple hours just trying to snap out of it. I thought about putting them off another day, but I didn't think my conscience would allow it ( I have already told you about my persistent mother's guilt). So I forced myself to get up and get everyone ready. I called mom and Amber and we all decided to meet for lunch. I was glad mom was getting out of the house. She sounded good.

We all met at Mi Casita's. Josh came and Amber's parents too. Just getting out of the house and the sun shining through my windshield had me feeling alot better by the time I arrived. I know sometimes I give in to the discomfort of being pregnant. You'd think that I would be a pro at it by now, but I am still a wimp. Anyway I felt better and I was excited to see mom eat a meal. Unfortunately, she only had a few chips. I could tell something was wrong. She quietly told me that her stomach was bothering her a bit. I shoveled my food in. We excused ourselves and left pretty quick. I hated to leave, but I can't stand to see her uncomfortable. I was all set for us to go our separate ways for the day, until she announced that she would go WITH us to the park!!! I was so excited!

Nori's legs are not quite long enough to pedal this hand-me-down trike, but she likes sitting on it and being pushed around...

She has been practicing, and she's ALMOST there.....I am so proud....

I am not the only one.....Look at the pride on this grandmother's face. There is something so innocent, simple, yet absolutely indescribably priceless about watching your baby learn how to do something for the very first time on her own.....wow....

It was a great day. The only thing more beautiful than the weather, was the memory we stored in our hearts as we drove away.

Mom hugged and kissed both girls. Then came me. I knew it would be my last hug and kiss for her in the year 2011. I held her tight. It was a great hug. I didn't want to let her go....So I didn't. Not for a while...Then she climbed in her little car and drove away.

After the girls took their nap, we headed back outside. I feel happiest when they are playing and giggling and not getting in trouble for just being kids or being forced to sit in a waiting room. So today, was beautiful. Completely dedicated to my sweethearts.

When darkness started to fall on our perfect day, I took the girls inside for some one on one....

100 failed castles and towers later, Michael came home followed by his mama. She took the girls to her house to let me and Michael have a mini-date....

We ate fast food sitting on the couch and watched a movie ALL THE WAY THROUGH, WITH NO INTERRUPTIONS!!!!!! It was wonderful. We picked the kids up around 9:30. When were walking to our front door, we stopped to take in our neighbors' firework show. The kids were really into it. everyone was asleep by 10:30, except for me. I stayed up to talk to you. The clock has actually already struck 12, since I have been typing. I paused and went through the house to kiss all of my babies: Neva, Nori, then Michael. Then text messages from loved ones started rolling in. But the very first one was my mama. I can't believe that sleepy head was awake, but I am glad she was. She was the first person to talk to me in the year 2012. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have been thinking alot about this year....All that it brought to us. I wonder if I will look back on 2011 as "the bad year". Or will I see all the positive things that we gained? I guess time will tell. I think about us last year at this time. I picture us next year at this time....Everything is such a mystery when you really think about it. You just do not know what next year, next month, tomorrow, or even 5 minutes from now holds for you.......

If you are in the moment, I guess you should cherish it regardless of what it holds...

Happy New Year everybody....I love you all and wish you and your families the best......

What's Wrong With Me?

The other day, a close friend of mine caught me at my mom's house. She stopped and visited for a while. Before leaving, she needed to ask me a question. "Is something wrong with you?", she asked with a concerned face. She explained that she had heard that "something was wrong with me" and it made her heart skip a beat. No details. No specifics at all. Just "something was wrong". She couldn't rest until she heard it from me. My first reaction was confusion. I assured her I was fine. Once the confusion wore off, it was replaced with paranoia. I became an insecure 15 yr old all over again, worried to death at what the rumor mill had churning for me. Since she heard it at a very public place, I also worried who else had heard this. Perhaps they heard details. Maybe there is a whole story being told about my current situation that I am not even aware of. Perhaps I cried too much in front of folks and now people think I am unbalanced. Maybe I was too raw with my blogging...... too honest and it made me sound a certain way. Maybe, someone sees my car at mom's house alot and assumes there is something up with my marriage. Perhaps someone saw me in Walmart with my two crazy kids, and concluded that even a tranquilizer dart couldn't slow my kids down enough to be "normal". As I pondered the possibilities, I decided to make a list....

 What is "WRONG" With Me?:

• I have gained 40lbs, and still have a WHOLE month of pregnancy left. My back hurts, my feet hurt, everything aches and I am swelling up like a balloon. I am sure that any minute the skin on my belly is going to rip. I cannot find a comfortable position to save my life. I have heartburn out of this world and am very sleep deprived.
• I have guilt issues:

 I have recently noticed that my calm, super intelligent 3 yr old, gets INSANE when company comes over. People would never believe the stories I tell about her, when they meet her. I think she has developed an anxiety of some sort, from not being exposed to enough social type situations. She doesn't get shy, or chatty, she gets CRAZY HYPER. She is NOT like this ordinarily. Not even close. I was taking measures to avoid this before mom got sick. We were involved in alot of activities that exposed her to, not only other children, but other adults as well. Now, she gets dropped off at her daddy's office for a dr.'s appt, then picked back up immediately. No social interaction, no intellectual stimulation. This is something I NEVER thought that I would allow to happen to one of my children. I want so badly for them to be comfortable around others and all around just well-adjusted.

Nori has been ready to be potty trained for a few months now. She could already be trained, if she just had someone to take up some time with her. We are so in and out of the house, that I have barely worked with her. Also, she is super smart, but doesn't get near about the one on one learning time that Neva received at that same age. It's just not fair.

• My house looks like it is vacant. We live out of clothes baskets and only have a couple home cooked meals per week.
• My husband works seven days a week, and carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He feels guilty about not being able to help me more. I feel resentful sometimes, and I feel sorry for him sometimes. Mainly, I wish I could help him more. Take some of his load off.
• I am losing my mom. If I had to name something that was just straight up, "WRONG" with me....This would be it. It's happening slowly and right before my eyes. I am dealing with it and watching it while being pregnant and completely hormonal. I have relatives going through it alongside me, but ultimately, I feel alone. The only one I truly confide in is my mom, and I don't really want to burden her at this point. Everyday I am faced with a "how's it going to be?" thought, where I try and picture my handling a certain situation without her. This thought is sometimes unbearable, but feels inevitable.

 Naturally, in keeping the balance of things, I decided to make yet ANOTHER list......

What Is "RIGHT" With Me?:

• I am pregnant. I feel like I have missed the enitre pregnancy and there is only a FEW weeks left! But I cannot wait for the arrival of my third little beauty. I want to hold that little body in my arms. I am excited to see who she looks like and kiss her little cheeks. I want to introduce her to my girls. I want my mom to meet her and hold her.
• I have wonderful little girls that are so understanding:

Some days I am so tired or down or my body hurts so bad that I don't feel like being fun. This induces a guilty feeling. BUT,  it is on these days that my girls "read me" and give me a little break. I always try to make it up later when I feel better. Things have changed for them because of my mom's illness. But, I know that though things are hard right now and not the way I pictured for them, they will be proud of their mommy one day when they fully understand. I am doing what I must do as a loving daughter, and I know my girls would do the same for me. Perhaps I am not teaching letters or putting enough emphasis on potty training---but I really feel like I am instilling other values in their little hearts and minds. Family values. The best kind.

I feel that Neva's little anxiety issue will "fix itself" once I get her back involved in social type situations (the library, gymnastics, etc).   I HAVE NEVER met a 3 year old more articulate and intellectual than Neva. And I have met ALOT of 3 year olds. Once you break through that silly, defiant, little defense mechanism she uses to shield herself from people she doesn't really know, you uncover a beautiful mind that baffles me on a daily basis.
Nori, wow. Little Nori. She is my little angel. I worry about her feeling like the "middle child", but her little personality is so absolutely wonderful that I know she will be fine. She tells me she loves me a hundred times a day and I love every second of it. She has the cutest little lisp. She kisses me when I cry. I believe she is super smart for her age and LOVE to hear her talk (in full sentences now!).

• My house may be messy, but it is SO full of heart. When we walk in the door, the girls and I immediately collapse into our worn out furniture. We wouldn't trade our time with Gammy for anything, but there couldn't be a more true statement than "there's no place like home". It may not be gourmet, but we can come together at our kitchen table over some Popeye's Chicken or Domino's Pizza or even a ham sandwich, and still soak up what's important: time with each other.
• My husband is so driven and dedicated and just the hardest worker I know. He gives everything to his family. Sometimes this means us not seeing him as much as I'd like. Or me not having the amount of help that I'd like. But he supports me. He listens to me rant, rave, cry, throw tantrums and breakdown. Then he picks me up. He is always there for me and loves me like no one else ever could. He is the best dad to my children and husband to me that I could have ever asked God to deliver to me.
• I have had (ALMOST) 29 years with the best mom to ever walk the face of the planet. We have been dealt a hand that I would not have chosen. But that's just how it is. I am coming to terms with it every day. Perhaps I will never fully arrive at the acceptance stage. She took care of me and nursed me and was always there for me, and now God has given me the opportunity to pay her back. I may have to view some things that are difficult for a child to see, but I will be there for her every second of the way.

After making my lists, my paranoia wore off and I became angry. Angry with MYSELF for giving something as insignificant as a rumor any amount of energy or attention. My car will continue to be at mom's house alot. People will still see me running around Walmart trying to round up my two wild animals. If you talk to me very long, I'm probably going to cry. I will forever be raw and honest in my blogs, at the risk of sounding crazy- in hopes that my honesty will help someone else cope with a similar situation.

So what's "wrong" with me? Nothing that can't be rewritten the "right" way.

Meet and Greet

The last few days have been filled with meeting new caregivers for my mom, filling out paperwork, and just kicking things off with Comfort Care Hospice. First came Don Hayes. He will be mom's nurse from here on out. He will report to Dr. Penland weekly, but HE will be the one taking care of her. He explained alot of things to us. He told us that the word "Hospice" kind of has a bad rep.....But actually, it's not "the end", and he is not the "deliverer or strong meds" to just knock mom out for her remaining time. He insisted that this is just a more convenient and comfortable way for mom to be treated ( in her OWN home). He said that he and mom may have a VERY long road ahead of them. He was super nice and down to earth. He seemed like he was tough too. That is a trait that is very important for anyone who will be dealing with my mom very much. We will no longer report to any clinics or hospitals, nor will we deal with any dr.'s directly. They told us we could, if we just wanted to, but we probably wouldn't need to. We will no longer have to go to the pharmacy to get mom's meds. They take care of all of that. He talked to mom about her medication and eating habits, and I think he realized right away when he heard "I didn't have breakfast today. ........Or lunch" THEN, "I don't like the appetite stimulant, it tastes nasty", THEN "I don't like ensure OR boost", that he was going to really have his hands full. I am sure when he got back to his office they rock/paper/scissor'ed to see who would be mom's caregiver. Just kidding, he said it would be HIM that cared for mom, unless something unforeseen should happen. We just met, but I think he's the right guy for the job.

Michael found a way to finally take a little time off and do his favorite thing---go hunting. He ended up staying at the deer camp for a couple nights, so me and the girls went and stayed with mom. This is something I have done since Michael and I got married. It is just a break from the routine and a chance for me to spend some quality time with my mom. It was alot of fun. We ordered pizza and hung out. We didn't sleep that well, but it was still fun. While we were there, Neva fell and hit her eye on a non-cushioned part of mama's couch.

Nori did fine, except she rolled out of the bed once. No bruises though.

Today, the aunts came to visit. At the same time, we were expecting a social worker from SCRMC, and Br. Drew Blanton, the SCRMC chaplain. This is standard procedure for a person on Hospice.

The social worker's name was Ms. Maxine. I didn't catch her last name. She is a cancer survivor and along with an inspiring life story, she also gave us alot of useful information regarding the road we are on. This is all new to us, and she was very sensitive to this fact. She spoke with mom  about "living will" type information. She wanted to make sure that my mom had all of her affairs in order. My mom assured her that, though nothing is formal, she has spoken with all 3 of her children regarding her wishes. She does not wish to be on any machines. If there isn't a chance of her waking up better, she doesn't want to be kept alive with a machine. She is very adamant about this. Ms. Maxine informed us that she would visit biweekly, unless mom needed her more often. She was a total sweetheart.

Last but not least, Br. Drew came over to visit. The moment we were told a chaplain would be coming, mom started bragging about Br. Robby Johnson. Br. Drew assured mom that he was not trying to take Br. Robby's place, by any means. But he really would love to keep in touch with her. After talking and getting to know him a bit, mom loved the idea of him coming back to visit. Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture.

The last few days have been quite eventful. I am proud to say that mom's spirit is great. Her energy is.....ok.... And she has taken her appetite stimulant THREE days in a row! Her weight has been dwindling. She got up this morning and ate cornbread and milk. Then she ate a few cheetohs. And As I was leaving earlier, she was getting ready to TRY to eat a bowl of chili. I am hoping I can keep her on this stimulant and she will gain a few lbs. It's not easy seeing her so bony.

There have been alot of changes, and they just keep coming. It is nice that some of the changes are being ushered in by a compassionate and loving group of people.

Bushell and a Peck......

The much anticipated holiday has come and passed once again. Though I was plagued with the fear of what next Christmas holds, I didn't find myself down or depressed. From mine and mom's midnight grocery shopping spree to the two of us taking the girls to look at Christmas lights (mom was equally or MORE amazed than the girls), to the carolers that came and sang for my mom, we have had some wonderful moments, and made some lifelong memories....

On the 22nd, we went and looked at Christmas lights. It was wonderful to see my kids light up as bright as the decorations....But even better to see mama's reaction. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures. Then came our midnight shopping spree! Just me and mom. We were both very sleepy and aching in our backs by the time we left...But our nerves? They were in great shape! I would definitely recommend this to people who are not real fond of a crowd. We had a blast.

We went and saw Santa on the 23rd. I was really surprised about Nori. Usually a little more on the reserved side, she was actually excited to meet Santa. Neva isn't scared of anything. Neva told him she wanted Alice in Wonderland the movie, because she lost hers. Nori said she wanted a baby doll. It was really sweet. The professional photo is much better than mine.....

After seeing Santa, we went to take our Gammy some lunch. She was getting a couple pints of blood transfused over at the hospital. It was what should be our last (outside the home) treatment. The kids found their place in the hall (not allowed in the chemo room).

She was sleeping so sound when I walked in. She opened her eyes, spotted me, then this little smirk formed on her face...

Next came celebrating Christmas with my some of my inlaws. We had this little gathering Friday night (the 23rd).

Mr. Garcia and ALL of his children...

AND grandchildren...

Christmas Eve at my sis in law's house was a blast. Michael took pictures with our other camera, and I don't know where it is at the moment (more pics to come.....). Afterwards we prepared for the big guy. I didn't make homemade cookies this year....Instead golden oreos....I happen to know that golden oreo's are the "big guy's" favorite!

We kept it real simple again this year. I am sure the materialistic side of my children will come out soon, but we haven't seen it yet. Santa brought Nori a princess tent, and Neva her very first bike.

The first one to wake up.....

OF COURSE, they wanted each other's presents....When will Santa learn to just bring duplicates of EVERYTHING!

Nori was particularly fond of her new princess gear and her favorite thing in the world, her vacuum cleaner!!!

Neva was very excited about her bike. With the yucky rain, we were trapped inside. So we played dress up!

Even Michael got in on the action. He put on the hunting cap that the girls bought him. 20 min and a million sneezes later, we realized he is allergic to the rabbit fur inside....

After our little Christmas at home, came breakfast at Nay Nay and PawPaws. Aunt Jamina, Uncle Gabe, Rylee and Rhett would, of course, be there as well......

This is when Jamina and I realized that we got each other the EXACT same present....A pearl bracelet, with our children's names engraved....Weird, huh? You know what they say about great minds........

After breakfast, we headed out to Papaw the Great's old house in Taylorsville. It is still being painted and remodeled, but it was nice to be there for atleast one last Christmas (who knows where we will gather next year). The whole family was there. It was great--but missing an important person....

I have to remind and remind and remind and remind (AKA GRIPE) about mom lifting the kids....She just shouldn't. Do you think she listens to me?

No, she don't....

She was in charge of handing out gifts this year. I worried about her over doing it, but I've got to be honest---She had  GREAT day!

There is Michael and the girl that ATE Nikki.....No more pictures, please.....

Josh has this thing he likes to do. He likes to make goofy faces and ruin potentially nice photos...

Here is my family, making the "BRENDA FACE". That's right, just because she's pretty, doesn't mean she's photogenic.....We pick on her all the time about her inability to take a good picture.

The rest of the day, Josh and Ronnie would be doing everything within their power to ruin my pictures......This could have been a great pic of mama and the aunts....

I didn't even notice Josh back there.

I mean, really????

After T-Ville, came Christmas at mama's. I was really excited about the gifts I got everyone.....

I really wanted to get everyone something sentimental this year, but I wanted to have fun too.....So when ronnie opened up his GIGANTIC present, inside was another wrapped box, and inside it another, and another.....Finally he ended up with a very small bag that held inside it a bracelet....Engraved in the bracelet was "bushell and a peck, hug around the neck". Josh was sent on a memory scavenger hunt. I had written several clues in the form of childhood memories and hid them around the house. Eventually he found his present, it was a bracelet with that very same engraving...Mom's bracelet read "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...." and the back of her bracelet included the same message that the boys had. It was fun, and very heart felt. No one really said anything, we all knew what the words meant, and who they honored....Those words are words that my mom has spoken to us most everyday of our lives as far back as I can remember. It usually goes like this: " I love you, Nikki. All my heart, bushell and a peck...." then she pauses and waits for me to finish with "hug around the neck". She's always been very affectionate with us and it is something I am glad I inherited....

Mom had a little humor of her own for her hunting son in law...Check out this get-up....Don't be surprised if you show up and Shipley's and the cook looks like this!

It was a long day, but finishing up at mom's house was like the cherry on top of a sundae....

The 26th is Uncle Bubba's birthday.....Amber made him a delish cake and of course mom organized a little gathering. She wouldn't have it any other way.....

She really wasn't feeling good on this day. I guess Christmas was a little much.....

Something else I did to lighten the mood the night before at mom's, was print out a picture of my dad from "back in the day". He had perm. A BIG perm. I am not sure it was ever cool for men to get perms, but I don't know....Anyway, I printed daddy one too and gave it to him after Ronnie's bday party (that's when we celebrate with Daddy). He couldn't help but laugh. It kind of was hilarious....Really daddy, a perm?

The girls got EVEN MORE toys.....They don't even know what to think about so many days of gatherings and gift giving.....They LOVE IT!

Ronnie was helping Nori open her gift.....At least I think.....

The guys always end up congregating over a game of pool at Daddy's....

Christmas, this year, like every other year, was crazy with running from event to event. Usually, I almost find myself dreading the "go, go, go!" feel of the day. But this year was different. When my Papaw got sick and soon after, my mom was diagnosed, I come to realize that though it can be stressful, and full of ups and downs, family is family. It's the only one you'll ever have. And while the holidays are hard, I would certainly not want to be at home alone. It was a beautiful holiday and I am so glad I have a big, loving family to spend it with.....

The Next Chapter

We knew that today was going to be tough. Mom actually threatened to not let me go with her (as if she could really stop me), if I was going to be emotional. I assured her that I would be fine. Today was the day that she announced her decision to her doctor. Her decision to stop all treatments. When she walked in, Ms. Gail (the Nurse Practitioner) did her usual (asked questions, updated medicine info, etc). Then mom, who I could tell was anxious to bring it up, asked "Remember what we talked about last week?" Ms. Gail shook her head. "Well, I have made my decision. I want to stop treatment." Her voice cracked and her lip quivered a bit. Ms. Gail turned and looked at me "how do you feel about her decision?" I was strong. I was sad, but you couldn't tell it by looking at me. I was following orders. "I respect her and her decision. I have watched the chemo make things worse and worse. I agree with her 100%", I announced proudly. Ms. Gail seemed pleased with my answer. As I spoke, I felt the lump beginning to form in my throat. She talked to us a bit about Hospice, then left the room briefly. Mom looked at me. I looked at her. All she said was "I want you to ask the dr. whatever you want to ask".  I felt her heart aching, and I know she felt mine. But we both refused to cry. We waited patiently for the Dr. to arrive.

 

Through all of her appointments, mom has NEVER sat on the table, unless they made her. This is always her chair. My place is always on the floor or across the room from her.

When Ms Gail (left) and Dr. Penland (right) came back in, she looked me in the eye and said "If this was my mom, I would want her to do this." That was my most important question. She told us there was a 90% chance that mom's CANCER would not respond to any other treatment, but her BODY would be negatively affected by them. My mom looked at her Dr. that she has absolute faith in, the person that has navigated us through this journey, and she thanked her. "I have always trusted you", she said, "thank you for everything". As she spoke, she began to cry. Of course, I began to cry as well. The dr. spoke about other options. I told her "I think I speak on behalf of myself AND my brothers when I say that we have no doubts about the care she has received or regrets about potential care she could have received." " I don't want you guys to have any regrets" she said. "We won't", I assured her. "We have watched her deteriorate everyday. We have witnessed it all firsthand. We know she is making the right decision". The conversation was long and heartfelt. She told us stories of her relatives that were also cancer patients. She spoke about statistics and miracles. This is when my mom said "I STILL could be that miracle. You told me from the beginning that I could be that miracle. I still believe it's possible. I am not giving up." Dr. Penland agreed. My tears were falling. Mom pointed at me and said "I TOLD YOU.........." " I know, I know, but YOU started it!", I threw the blame at her. We kind of laughed.
We found out that mom would be turned over to Hospice, but Dr. Penland still makes all of her medical decisions. Nothing will change, except mom will receive any further care at home. We all hugged and said our "goodbye's". Though we may see them again, the situation has greatly changed. We have seen them once a week (or more) for 8 months now. It was sad walking away from them today.

This is Ms. Kathy, who I commonly refer to as "the chemo lady". She is also the one who talked me through many meltdowns, tough decisions and hard times throughout this ordeal. She is absolutely wonderful. She encouraged me to continue to call if I needed her.

Dr. Penland talked to us for a long time. She really eased my mind and calmed my nerves about the change that is taking place. As of Monday, I will have to learn to trust a whole new group of people and pray that they take care of my mom like the Oncology staff of Jefferson Medical has. I am petrified and sad, though I am relieved that my mom may now find some relief. The last few weeks have been horrible for her. She is saddened, that while her thirst for life is still great, her body's ability to quench it is very, very limited. We hope that will change even if it's only for a brief amount of time. I asked her if she was ok. She said "I am very confident with my decision". And I know that she is.

Dr. Penland spoke about something that most Dr's don't. She spoke about her spiritual beliefs. She said that she had watched many patients pass, and she witnessed the spirit leave them. She said you can just see the spirit disappear. It has to exist. This means, that if your mom leaves you-you WILL see her again. It's not 'goodbye', it's 'see ya later'". Mom and I shot each other a teary eyed smile, then simultaneously said "I like that", and smiled a little bigger at the coincidental thought. Though this was difficult to hear, it was enlightening and uplifting as well. She encouraged mom to live. Live and laugh and love and take full advantage of her remaining time. That is exactly what we intend to do.

Live.

Laugh.

Love.

We enter the next chapter of the unknown and unpredictable novel of life, hand in hand.