Bonfire of Realization

This morning began with my waking up to some pretty bad back pain. I don't want to send mixed messages, I know I have already referred to this pregnancy as a " breeze". And as for complications or serious ailments, it has been. But it truly has been the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE pregnancy out of the three. Turns out the wear and tear on a body after three back to back pregnancies, teamed with running after and lifting a toddler AND a preschooler is pretty rough. Who knew?  Anyway, I immediately began calling mom to check on her (like always). I could not get an answer. I knew this meant she was sleeping late. I also knew that if she was sleeping THIS late, it was fair to assume that this, too, was not going to be a great day. I couldn't get a hold of anyone, actually. Not Amber, Ronnie or Mom. I quickly realized that IF I was going to church, I was going alone. This would be the first time, EVER, that I have walked into Journey alone. Having had a pretty heavy and sad heart lately, I knew I needed to go. I waited until the later service to attend, hoping my back would ease up, and it did. I was also hoping I would get in touch with my mom who would inform me that she was getting dressed and meeting me there, but I never got her. So after the usual morning marathon that we call "getting ready", the girls and I were on our way. About half way there, I finally got Ronnie to answer the phone. He informed me that mom, indeed, was still sleeping. Though I really already knew, I found myself slightly disappointed that mom DEFINITELY would not be joining me. When I walked in, I took the girls to their designated rooms and went to find my seat. The second service is always super packed out. I spotted some friends and toyed with the idea of joining them.....But decided to tuck away by myself instead. As the music played I found myself glancing over at the empty chair beside me. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of my mom. Every time our eyes meet during a sermon she gives me a soft, sweet smile. Sometimes we even hold hands as we hear His word. But the chair remained empty. I started tearing up a couple times at the thought of my mom. I was thinking of her long ago, just recently and today. I was wondering how she looked this morning. I fantasized that she was sleeping late, because she stayed up late watching movies or talking to my brother. Not because her body was drained from fighting off an enemy all day. When the music ended, Brother Robby began telling us about "practical Atheism". Apparently, Atheists BELIEVE God doesn't exist. Practical Atheists LIVE like God doesn't exist. Sadly, Christians can fall into this category. It didn't take long into his explanation for me to realize that some of those characteristics belong to me. I was mad at myself. I felt moved to try harder. To live better. I prayed as he spoke.

After the sermon, I went to retrieve the girls. First, my active, smarty-pants little Neva....I always get the feeling that she has given the Sunday School teachers a run for their money. I walk up to the classroom door in fear of what I am about to hear. But it is always the same: "she was good". I always kind of glance around the room to make sure that there are no holes in the wall, broken windows or injured children. What can I say? Anyway, then on to get Nori. My sweet lil Nori. The worst I expect from her is to wrap a baby in a hug so tight or kiss the other babies so much that they become upset. She had told everyone that "Mommy was at the beach". She has been talking about the beach alot lately. She talks about her Gammy "swimming at the beach". I don't really even know how she could remember our beach trip. Usually with kids her age, it's out of sight, out of mind. Strange. Anyway, I thanked the wonderful volunteers and we headed toward mom's house.

When we got there she was covered up on the couch. She didn't look the best in the world, but she did have a smile on. We discussed having a little family gathering tonight, because with my little brother landing a new job that involves travel, we don't really know how many more opportunities we will have for little get-togethers that involve ALL of us. We decided that later in the afternoon we would have a weenie/marshmallow roast in the back yard. I made a big pot of home-made chili while the girls napped. Michael had alot of stuff to do around the farm, but he joined us as we headed back to moms. He even loaded up our new puppy Sprinkles to join us. It was her first outing since we picked her up from the airport last week.

It was a little cold for her, and you could tell her energy level wasn't the best. But she was a trooper. She was SUPER excited about the marshmallows.

Luckily, we didn't end up in the ER. However there was alot of "roasted" food that had actually just been rolled around in the dirt.

That temperature just kept on dropping as the darkness crept up...

We bundled up the best we could. Nothing like a lil body warmth!

I couldn't help but notice that mom's KIDS seemed to have as much (if not more) fun than her GRAND KIDS. (check out this pose)

After around an hour or so, we all started feeling the effects of the temperature drop. There was a wave of little coughs washing over the back yard. And we were constantly wiping little noses.

Neva wasn't super fond of the black marshmallows. SO, she would put one on her stick, hold it over the fire for a split second, then devour it!

Did I mention that Amber is pregnant? Oh yeah, Amber is pregnant!

Can anyone say "spitting image"?

I cant get a good pic of that little rascal, but there are all the kids petting lil Sprinkles.

Time to dance off the sugar from those marshmallows! Talk about chaos!! At the bottom of this picture, you can see a certain someone watching fondly at the little loves of her life.

  

This is how the night ended. We left her where we found her. She seemed alright. But I can't help but worry.

As we drove home, I replayed the beautiful night that had just unfolded. My wonderfully crazy little babies had a great time. My husband gave me lots of hugs and kisses. My mom was there. And she laughed and talked and seemed to have a good time. She is NOT 100%. Not even close. But she is here. She is here and I can wrap my arms around her and say " I love you mama", and I can hear it back. Who knows if tomorrow holds this same luxury? Only God. This thought made me reflect on the sermon from earlier. How can a person with SO many blessings, live as though God doesn't exist? Of course He does. How could He not? Time to do some changing.

Smiling Through The Pain

Today, like most days, was bittersweet. I got to spend some wonderful quality time with my family....But all the while forcing my mom from the front to the back of my mind.

She didn't have a great day today. We made plans after the game last night to have breakfast this morning. Well, after about an hour of calling back to back, I FINALLY got her. She slept super late. Needless to say, breakfast was out. But more importantly, I couldn't stop dwelling on the sound of her voice. It was...sad...tired...sickly...weak... You name it, if it's alarming, she sounded that way. I tried to tell myself that she was just tired after such a long/cold night and go on about my day. But it definitely raised a red flag for me. I had a few errands to run and just as I was finishing up, my cell phone rang. It was that same voice. I felt my heart cringe a bit. I can't really explain to you why I would let something as insignificant as a "tone" effect me so strongly...All I can tell you is I know my mom....and I know when something is up. She talked for a while then said "y'all coming out here?" I answered with "well, they need a nap before the festival at 3. We really don't have time". She sounded even more down when she said. "Oh. I really wanted to see the girls". How do you say "no" to that? We headed that way. When I pulled up in her yard, she was sitting on the porch. My heart sank deep into my stomach when my eyes found her pale face. There were dark circles around her eyes. Her skin was free of the warm hue is had possessed just the night before. How can something change SO much in SO little time? I fought back tears before I could even put my car in "park". We went inside. She told me (for the third time this week) that the right side of her chest was hurting. The first time, I may have given it a few minutes thought. Yesterday when she told me, I wasn't able to stop thinking about it. But TODAY....Today I started thinking bad stuff. What if the cancer is on the move again? She is coughing alot. She is pretty down. Her chest is hurting. These are all very familiar symptoms of a not so fond time in our lives. I pretended to not be concerned while we were there at her house. However, the lady that 10 minutes earlier had asked us to come over, had fallen asleep 5 min after we arrived. I sat there in her living room floor cutting felt to make my little costume for the fall festival at Journey Church. I allowed the kids to play while she slept angelically on the couch. I avoided looking at her because I didn't want to cry. I knew I would. I knew it. By the time I made it home, my good and festive mood from earlier had been replaced with a knot of fear in my stomach. I put the girls down for a late nap, and then gathered up all of our costumes and kept myself busy so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with the "what if's" that were relentlessly reoccurring inside my mind. When Michael came home, it didn't take much more than saying "hey" to make the tears fall like rain. I told him that I was scared. "What if there's nothing left that will work?" I asked with a quivering voice, knowing that he did not know the answer before I even asked.  Michael remained quiet and never made eye contact with me. I knew deep down that he didn't know what to say. He knew there was no way to comfort me in that moment. We both knew it. I just sat there crying silently, aware that the girls needed their nap. They did not need to wake up to the sound of their mommy crying. I have not felt feelings that intense thus far. I think, there has always been another plan, until now. First, there was chemo. You don't ever feel good about chemo, but it was an attack plan. Then there was radiation. I hated radiation, but it was a fight against the cancer. Then, when it started moving, there was chemo #2. But what now? What if it moves again? Is there another plan? If so, I haven't heard it. This lack of knowledge leaves me with a lack of confidence and a overflow of intense fear. I cried until the phone rang. It was mom. I hid my cracking voice, until I could deceive her no longer. "I'm worried about your chest pain" I said, accidentally starting to cry again. Mom did her usual "Nikki! I'm fine baby. You gotta stop this. I will tell Gail and Dr. Penland about it on Monday. If it's growing, they'll just have to do something else. Now you STOP worrying about me." Perhaps her words comforted me. Perhaps not. Perhaps just hearing her voice comforts me. Either way, I was able to turn the tears off just in time for my girls to wake up. I pride myself to think that I can be just like my mom. She can take a bad situation and put it completely behind her for the sake of her kids and grand kids. Though I was hurting, that is exactly what I did for my girls today.

After nap time, I greeted the girls with their little costumes in hand. They have been SO anxious to wear them, so the minute Journey Church started advertising their Fall Festival, I decided that the girls would "break them in" on that day. That day was today. You have never seen two MORE excited girls than Neva and Nori after I put on their Autobot costumes. We ran around in the yard and played for a while before leaving for the festival. When we arrived, it was typical Journey. Smiling faces, friendly atmosphere, laid back feel. It was great.

Nori wasn't exactly thrilled about moving away from her candy long enough to take a picture.

Ms. Leslie is Neva's new bestie. The new friendship only cost her quadruple the amount of candy Neva SHOULD have got, and 2 extra pumpkin buckets to carry around.

Good folks.

This lil guy directly in front of my camera was cheering about the zebra cake that he won during the cake walk.

Talk about going all out...

The place looked festive and inviting, but the people were EVEN BETTER than the atmosphere!

At the "self serve" candy bowls, my girls tried to go crazy. I had to keep reminding them that there were OTHER children!

Just when you think your kids have "manners" mastered, you go and take them trunk or treating....manners out the window.

Luckily everyone was a good a sport for my candy-starved autobots.

This is the new pose. I don't get it. Side-ways head with goofy-closed-eye-smile. HHHMMM......

A great man.

For those of you who do not watch Transformers EVERY NIGHT like us, Neva is Optimus Prime. Nori is BumbleBee. And that is the Planet CyberTron on my belly. After all, the Autobots once lived there (one still does).

I am so glad that we decided to visit Journey Church a few months ago. We were embraced with open arms and concerned souls from the moment we walked in the door. My mom has been showered with love and prayers. We have met some wonderful people and become linked to a family much larger than our own. We are still just visitors at the church, but I know some day soon I will call Journey my home. When you are bombarded with such negativity, it is easy to dwell on it. It is nice to remember that there is still beauty in the world.  If you have not visited Journey yet, please do http://www.journeylaurel.com/ 

I am hurting, I won't lie. I am scared beyond words. I am unable to make it a moment in the day without worrying about losing my mom. But, I find myself more mature with my pain than when this all first began. It doesn't make it easier. I really don't cry any less. But I feel more capable of handling this than I once did. Life keeps happening, ya know? I can't sit here and tremble until the news rolls in. I have to give baths and cook supper. I have to trick or treat and do family dinners. I have to go on outings and make memories.

I worry what next week holds. Possible scans. Possible bad news. Only God knows what comes next. Mom has placed her faith in Him. I have placed my faith in Him. Now all we can do is live.

We Are the Champ-yons!

So, as most of you know, I have hung up my black and gold attire and replaced it with red and gold. It is true that blood is thicker than water, because when my big brother became a coach at Laurel High School, we all became Tornadoes as well! Most seasons, we go to every game possible (mom always made it to the "impossible" ones as well). But this year, we have missed most of the games due to mom's health. Even though it was FREEZING outside and we all encouraged her to stay home, my mom insisted on going tonight---and I AM SO GLAD she did! We all had the best time! My little brother and his family, my dad and his girlfriend Kim, and even MICHAEL was able to go with me, mom and the girls! I was concerned because I have always heard that "night air" is not good. Since mom has been running a low grade fever (that is absolutely relentless), I really didn't know if it was the best idea for her to go. I verbalized my feelings, but didn't pressure her one way or the other. I know that it is very important to her to do all the things she can with us and for us. We never know from day to day how her condition will change, so when she is even a little bit "ok", she does ALL she can do. We all went, bundled up, had fun, and watched the Tornadoes dominate! We always sit over by the field house to avoid germs, but there is also the added benefit of not having to fight the girls to sit down the whole time. There is plenty of room for them to play. Everybody wins.....

My girls love to watch the little dancers in their sparkly outfits.

There's my mom and dad. It's funny how a divorce can improve a relationship, sometimes.

Don't let that pretty smile fool ya, she was FREEZING!

Mom is wearing 2 hats, 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, a jacket, and covered up w a blanket!

He wasn't real keen on sitting with a bunch of Tornado fans. I caught him cheering for the Tigers a couple times.....

It really was a fun game to watch!

Always got the "game face" on....

Check out that little crusty face....

And this one......

quite a crew, huh?

The GREAT thing about tonight, is the Tornadoes won the division championship! While I am SO incredibly proud of my brother and his performance as coach, I can't help but look at the bigger win.... The GREATER thing about tonight is each of us in these pictures won a beautiful memory, never to be lost. It was a night for champions..........Champions in shoulder pads. Champions with clip boards and playbooks. And champions huddled up with loved ones on the sidelines.  

Hello. My Name Is Nikki........

................and I am addicted to "staging memories". The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well before I go into that, let me catch you up on everything (since this blog is dedicated to documenting memories).

Wed. Oct 12-

Me, my mom and the girls took a little shopping day. We don't do that very often anymore, so it was very nice. We only went to 3 stores. Target, The Children's Place, and Spirit Halloween Store, followed by Logans Roadhouse for a bite to eat. It was only a few hrs, 3 or 4, but it was absolutely wonderful! Neva got a few outfits, Nori didn't get as much (she gets hand-me-downs, bless her heart), they got a pr of shoes and their Halloween costumes. Neva will be Optimus Prime, Nori will be Bumblebee. With my growing abdomen (and everything else), I have decided to be planet Earth. After all, that IS where the autobots live.

Thurs. Oct 13-

Mama watched Nori while I took Noah and Neva to a preschool-prep class at the library. It was SO cute. We had a blast. Noah was a great listener, but weary of all the new faces. Neva was hyped up and had to be reminded to calm down and listen. All in all, they both did great! AND I got to do the Hokey Pokey in public for the first time since I quit my job. Thank Goodness! I have been dying to do that....

Fri. Oct 14-

My uncle Ricky (the nicest guy ever), started having excruciating abdominal pains. I sat home with my girls texting and anxiously awaiting new from my mom as she and her sister took him to the hospital. He had to have his appendix removed that day. He did great during the surgery and as soon as Michael got home, we went to the hospital to see him. While we were there walking down the hall, Neva stopped dead in her tracks staring into another patient's room. "MAMA!" She yelled with excitement. "I FOUND SANTA CLAUS!!!!"I ran back to quickly grab her hand and "shoo" her away from the open door. When I glanced inside, I couldn't help but notice the two nurses laughing at her reaction. And then my eyes found him....IT REALLY DID LOOK JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS! I was burning red with embarrassment, but I couldn't help but think, "wow". Later on, the Santa look-a-like hobbled down the hall with his furry little beard and bright red shirt. He smiled and handed an astonished Neva and Nori an autographed Santa Photo. He quietly walked away as my girls yelled "THANKS SANTA!". He climbed into a wheelchair and the nurses wheeled him away. It was the cutest and strangest thing. It couldn't have been the REAL Santa....Right? Anyway, if only for a moment, it made our little family remember a more happy and magical time in our lives.

Sat. Oct 15-

Lazy day.....Hung out at home all day until the afternoon. Then I went to moms and cooked potato salad and baked beans to go with the ribs and burgers that Ronnie grilled. It was delish!

Sun. Oct 16-

Mama wasn't feeling too good. But she was itching to get back to church. I think she may have rushed it a bit because she was really tired and coughing during the service. I also noticed that my skinny, bald little social butterfly wasn't talking too much. That was totally out of character. She spent most of the rest of the day sleeping.

Mon. Oct 17-

Mom had a dr's appt. I took Neva to meet her dad at the donut shop after he finished cooking lunch because she was going with him and her PawPaw to the stockyard. So, I went by the clinic to surprise mom afterwards. Michael very seldom gets alone time with the girls because of his demanding work schedule, so he was very excited....but not as excited as Neva. I always like hearing him tell stories about their adventures. Apparently she had to.....um.....use the restroom......everywhere that they stopped.... Shipleys, the stockyard, and Wendy's. I found this mental picture to be absolutely hilarious! and I secretly wanted to thank Neva and her bowels for giving her Daddy a little dose of what I put up with EVERY day. Michael said they had a great time! Nori was lost without her sister....They are never apart, so it was really hard on her. I tried to make it fun. First we went to see mom at the clinic. (They said she looked good. Her white blood cell count was low, but she had gained a lb!) Next, we played outside, then I got mom, Amber and the boys to meet us at Mi Casita's. Mom didn't eat anything except chips and dip and she was very quiet. I was really worried about her.

Tues. Oct 18-

I had to have my glucose test done. For those of you who don't know, or who are lucky enough to have forgotten, you can't eat or drink before your appt, then you have to drink this disgusting stuff, wait an hour, then get your blood drawn. They said no news is good news, and I have heard nothing yet. So I am happy about that. In fact, this pregnancy has been pretty smooth sailing so far. I am having a small issue with arthritis-like pain and some swelling in my joints, but nothing to write home about. That same day, mom took chemo. When I got done with my test, I went over and saw her. I took her some donut holes to snack on. That night, I made a dinner and took mom and Ronnie a plate. When I got there, Amber, Noah and Brady were there. The wind was blowing and it was a beautiful fall afternoon. We all ran through the yard trying to catch the leaves as they snapped loose from their comfy lil homes and drifted slowly to the ground. Even mom got in on the action. It was a great day that took me back to my childhood.

Wed. Oct 19-

I officially turned down an employment opportunity. I questioned whether it was the right choice. I still am questioning it. I know that I could use something to distract my mind from this situation....But I DON'T need anything to distract me from my mom.

Thurs. Oct 20-

We missed preschool prep. I was having a pretty bad morning. I was on the verge of tears, I was hurting in my stomach and my joints. We went to moms for a while. Michael and I had a date planned for later that night, but judging by mom's appearance, I wasn't going to be able to leave the kids with her like I planned. She could barely pull herself off the couch. She was pretty pitiful. I found myself down as well. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore, but there I was.....letting HER health predict MY mood. I know there are alot of not-so-great days in our future. So, I can't let myself get so upset every time she is a little down. I was very emotional this entire day. When it came time for our little date, I called mom and JUST LIKE THAT --she was ready! When it comes to her grand kids, she just puts up this strong front. Even if she's weak, she will appear strong. If she is worried, she fakes confident. If she is tired, she makes herself play. It is truly amazing. We went and had a steak, held hands, laughed, and pretended like there was nothing complicated waiting on us at home. It was wonderful. He is tied for the title of "my best friend in the whole world". The best decision I ever made was saying "yes" when he asked me out about 10 years ago. He is the absolute love of my life. Because I couldn't keep my mind off of mom and the kids, and he had to be at work super early, we headed back home shortly after our supper. Neva decided to spend the night with mom, while "mama's baby" Nori, wanted to go home with us. Mom looked tired, but seemed like she was having a good time.

Fri. Oct 21-

 We all piled up and went to my brother's ballgame. Laurel vs. Northeast Lauderdale. It was alot of fun. We sit by the field house at the home games and the kids get to run and play. Life is always better when you're not forcing kids to remain seated. We stopped by Wendy's beforehand, but that didn't stop me and the kids from eating pickles, popcorn and sour straws. Mom doesn't do too well in cold weather, but she did great on this particular night. Maybe it was excitement for being able to see her son coach for the first time all season (she has been to sick to attend), or maybe it was the two pairs of socks, the two shirts and jacket, the sweat pants, two toboggans, and the two blankets......Either way, it was a blast. Unfortunately, it was on this night that I realized my camera wasn't working. I assumed it was dead. I was devastated to not be able to commemorate this night.

Sat. Oct 22-

We went to the Pumpkin Patch. I had allowed my camera to charge all night. However, when I went to snap my first picture, it wouldn't come on. Maybe it was hormones, or maybe I was justified in my fear of not being able to put these memories onto photo paper, but either way, I started to cry. Between the ballgame and now the pumpkin patch, I was losing all these valuable memories. "What if we never come back here again?" I kept asking myself mentally. Mom did good, but I could tell she didn't feel the best. Nori had woke up extra early and was ill as a hornet as the day rocked on, while Neva kept trying to run away from me, making my heart skip a beat numerous times. It was not the day I had imagined. It was very stressful, but we managed to have a good time.

Sun Oct. 23-

We went to Mitchell Farms....AGAIN! This time with Michael (who has half the day off on Sundays) and his parents, sisters, and all of our nieces and nephews. It was better than the day before. The kids were better behaved, and so was I, for that matter. I could not help but regret the day before, and wish it had went smoother. We finished the night with a meal at Mi Casitas.

Mon Oct 24-

Mom went to the dr.  They said that she may have to start receiving some sort of shot to aid her white cell count. She has also been having problems with her ears since radiation ended, so they made her an appt with Dr. Stevens, ENT. She went home to get some rest, because we had plans to go to the fair. Luckily, I realized my camera was fine! My charger was broken. Unfortunately, I realized this at the last minute, so it only charged for like a second before we left. But at least I got a few pictures....

Michael had to ride some of the stuff due to the height requirements.....

Mama watched lovingly as her oldest little grand babies rode the rides like big kids. Most of the time they giggled all the way through the rides.

Nori was sad.....She wanted so badly to join her sister and cousin, but even with adult accompaniment, she wasn't allowed.

That's my nephew on the left, my baby comes next, then a cute stranger, followed by my biggest baby....

One man laughed so hard through this ride that he was crying by the time his daughter got off. It was really funny, but sweeter than anything. After all, they couldn't have got on the ride without him......

We tried to keep her entertained.....

This will go down in history as the BEST TIME I HAVE EVER HAD AT THE FAIR. We literally had a blast. Mom did great. We ate alot. Rode alot. Laughed alot. It was perfect.

Tues. Oct. 25-

Mama had to go "re-do" her medicaid and then straight to chemo. I felt bad that I couldn't go with her, but she assured me she was fine. I usually try to be in town on chemo days, just in case she has some sort of reaction. But I stayed home. I worried the whole time and texted and called her repeatedly, but I never left my house. Luckily, she did fine. After chemo, she went to see Dr. Stevens. For lack of a better way to word it, he "sucked her ears out". She found great relief in this. He said that he was concerned that radiation could have caused some minor hearing loss, so if she had any problems to come back for proper testing. She was so relieved to be able to hear and not talk in an echo inside her head, that she didn't find herself concerned about the minor hearing loss. I made her a good ole southern redneck supper that night: Neck bones n taters, peas n cornbread, corn on the cob and mac n cheese with a big ole glass of sweet tea. Gotta fatten that girl up.

Wed. Oct. 26-

Met mom at Shipleys for a delicious breakfast. Of course she just drank coffee. I went ahead and ate enough for her. I, then, had to go get groceries, while she went home to get some rest.

So, there you have it. A little review of our lives since we last spoke. Back to my addiction....

I am having a serious problem with memories. I am so fearful that "This could be the last time we....." that I can't even enjoy it. I am so scared I am going to miss a look, a smell, a story, a piece of advice, a photo opportunity, that I can' really focus on anything else. I plan these events and outings, then when life happens and it's not fairy tale, I get upset. I sometimes even cry. Actually, I always cry when things are not "story book". And, when are things EVER story book? When I didn't have my camera for a few days, I became literally ill. Sick to my stomach at the thought of all I was missing. I just want to remember everything, ya know? I feel like I have been given this gift. The gift of precious time. However, as it ticks away, I worry that it is being wasted. Then I worry that I am wasting it by WORRYING about wasting it. Crazy, huh? I find it difficult to go on many outings that don't involve my mom. Then I worry that I am shutting others out. I know I have got to get a hold on this obsession. Anyone know a good Memory-Addiction 12 step program?

Starting Over

I remember like it was yesterday, the first day my mom began chemo. It was the day we first heard her expected "time line". We found out that statistically my mom would not have long to live AND she would need to begin chemo immediately all in one sitting. It was a devastating blow. Definitely a horrible day that is burned into my memory forever. Mama was in horrible shape. Unable to get a full breath of air. Unable to finish a sentence without being winded. She was exhausted and scared and completely lost. The news hit her harder than anyone. I've never seen her cry so hard. My big brother cried in his hands. I sat on the clinic floor silently, and watched my own tears pool up beneath me. I have never been so hurt. I have never been so scared. Our life was over, or so it felt that way. I wondered if I would EVER get my healthy, happy and vibrant mom back. On top of everything, my mom would (on this SAME horrible day) be receiving chemo. "Chemo?" What is this mysterious stuff that I have heard about on tv? The characters in movies that receive chemo get very sick. They vomit. They sleep. They cry. They change. They slip away. Will my mom do this? I envisioned liquid fire shooting through an IV and destroying my moms body. My mama cried in fear of the chemo. We reassured her, though we were equally scared. We all hesitantly drove to the hospital that day. I looked into the eyes of strangers that would be caring for my mom, and wondered if they were "good enough". Our stomachs were in knots. She sat scared, silent and uncomfortable as the medicine pumped through her veins for the very first time.

Through 6 cycles there were countless ups and downs, but we did get mom back. She could breathe again. She could play again. She had her smile back. It was wonderful. We soaked up all the moments, tried new things, had much needed conversations, hugged and kissed countless times and took advantage of every little bit of energy she could muster up. We learned to take one day at a time, though sometimes we (still) need reminding of that. Things were pretty great. But things didn't stay great forever, as all of you know. Radiation took it's toll, to say the least. Luckily, the effects of the radiation are slowly wearing off. Unfortuanately, without even a week's break, mom started her new chemo today. I have to admit, while I dreaded it, I was SO thankful that I didn't have to relive that very first chemo day. My, how things have changed. Today we greeted all the nurses by their first names. We laughed and talked. I brought mom some grits ( and she actually ATE!). She sat relaxed in her comfy recliner and received the medicine that (we believe) will make her a healthy person again. She even took a little nap. Today was the best day we have had in weeks. I just hope this new chemo allows her to stay this way for a while.

Don't she look pretty?

I couldn't be there the WHOLE time, but the kids and I hung out in town to make sure mom didn't have any kind of reaction to the new chemo. We spent most of the morning at the library.

Yes, I did brush her hair......

Some of the marker did end up on the paper, not JUST the table......

My babies are so smart.....

Can you believe this? Those of you that have been reading, when was the last time you read about my mom chasing my girls around the yard? Now, I am telling you, that radiation is some BAD stuff! She has been done for a week, and we are already starting to see glimpses of the mom we know and love. She wasn't 100%, but we had our mom/Gammy back today. It was great. I don't know how long it will last, but I am not complaining one bit. Check out the smiles on those little faces!

Some of you may be looking at that beautiful bald head. Others may be looking at the chili dog she is eating, and wondering why she is drinking MILK with it....(she always drinks milk with chili---EW).....Me? I am looking at that skinny thing actually eating! She ate a WHOLE chili dog and a pumpkin cupcake

  and drank a glass of milk!!!!! This is incredible for a person that went days without eating ANYthing just over a week ago.

There is mom with her little baby...

If you look closely at my moms neck/chest, you will see her skin peeling off. This is hurtful to look at, but mom says it actually doesn't hurt. The radiation really did a number on her--inside AND out. I am SO glad that it is over and I have my mom back. Meanwhile, if you look closely at me, you will see a huge belly and dish water on my shirt.

We are starting over. Today was the first day of chemo, again. While we STILL find ourselves in a not-so-great situation, it is amazing how each of our hearts have changed. How each of our minds are thinking differently. We are optimistic that, while the other chemo didn't last too long, this one just might.....We might see some significant improvement from this medicine. We HAVE to believe that. Scrolling up at the looks on those faces, it is definitely NOT what I described just a few short months ago. Things are still hard. They seem to get harder every day. But we now know to cherish these moments and not let them slip away because we fear the future.....We must grab them, cherish them, and hold onto them forever.

Mommy Mojo



It's been a while since my last post. For those of you that read and worry about my mom, I am sorry for my negligence. When I last updated you, my mom was waiting to "get better enough" to finish up her radiation. Well, her blood pressure FINALLY rose up to a decent enough point, and she stayed hydrated long enough that they felt safe doing her last few radiation sessions. She is now done with that. (THANK GOD!) The radiation (from the outside looking in) has been WAY worse than the chemo ever thought about. Her skin on her head, her chest and back is completely burnt up. Not to mention her throat. It is horribly burnt. I have watched my mom lose lots of weight and all of her hair. But worst of all, she lost her smile. She felt so horrible. It has been excruciating to watch her struggle to stay awake. Struggle to eat and drink. Struggle to move about her house. Just struggle period. I speak about it in past tense as if it's better....It's a little better, but still really bad. If you see her, you will understand. Her appearance has changed tremendously. However, the improvement, has been in her spirit. That beautiful smile has found it's way out, beating the fatigue and overall weakness that threatened to keep it locked away forever. I am so proud to "have her back". I have spent a great deal of time crying and I have been more emotional the last couple weeks, than I have this entire time. It is weird, I am so happy about every aspect of my life right now....But at the end of the day, I sometimes feel I am watching my mom waste away and it casts a negative shadow over everything. I'm trying.  Last week, my husband came home to a mad, bitter version of his wife. Mom had been going further and further down on the health scale. I was scared for her. I was mad at her. I felt myself reaching a breaking point. I was at home, but felt guilty that I wasn't with her. But when I was with her, I couldn't make her eat. I couldn't make her wake up. I couldn't do anything. I had the girls with me as I always do, but I kept them entertained with the TV and other distractions so that I could wallow in my fears. Realizing that I was struggling pretty badly with the current situation, Michael encouraged me to get out of the house. "You can't just sit here like this...It's gonna make things worse. You need to get out". "I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anybody", I said with a trembling lip, purposefully not looking him in the eye. "But you need to--........."  I cut him off with a shout: " I DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE! I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT.....I WANT...... I WANT MY MAMA BACK!!!!!" I busted into a hysterical cry that, looking back, I know it alarmed my children. I was sobbing aloud. The girls quietly walked over and watched their daddy as he consoled Mommy like he has done for them SO many times in the past. Michael held me close and allowed me to have my much needed break-down. The girls climbed up on the couch and hugged me tight as well. They didn't ask anything. They just hugged me tight. You see, I couldn't post in that condition. I refused to write with such negativity floating about in my mind and heart. I do not want you to feel what I am feeling. I don't want my worst enemy to feel what I am feeling. He DID drag me out of the house that day. And you know what?, He was right....The situation did not go away. But the distraction allowed me to focus on some positive things in my life. And some QT with my favorite people in the world was exactly what I needed.......

On another note, my sister in law has had a recent health scare. She found a lump in her breast. She has kind of been my shoulder through this whole thing with mama, so when she confided in me about the knot she had found, I just said " no..... no...... NO!" and shook my head. I refused to believe that we were about to face, yet another, scary situation in our family. She burst into tears. I knew it took alot of courage for her to mention it to me. I know Amber, for her to even tell me, meant that she was scared to death. I also knew, that she needed some comfort and definitely NOT the reaction that I gave her. So, I immediately embraced her and we cried on each other's shoulders. We made a plan to see a dr. to put our fears to rest. That appointment was today. Sadly, they just want to "watch it" for a couple of weeks before doing any actual tests. So there was no relief in this appointment. This waiting scares me so much. I keep thinking of what my mom's cancer can do in two weeks. Amber is petrified. I keep reassuring her, although it is so hard to stay optimistic in our current situation. I feel in my heart that she is fine and WILL BE fine, but I do not blame her one bit for being so scared. I am scared too. She is the best person. A GREAT mom, a doting wife, a dedicated daughter in law, the BEST baby sitter, a devoted student and a person strong in her faith. Not to mention, a GREAT friend and shoulder to cry on. I cannot put my feelings about this situation into words. I am hopeful and optimistic, but also jaded to the point that I can't help but fear the possibilities. Please pray for Amber, her health, and her family.
 

Mom's LAST day of radiation....This is a special group of women at Oncologics. They made a scary and difficult time in our lives, a little bit sweeter!

I take pride in my ability to report that (sometimes to mom's dismay), I have remained by her side through this whole thing. But more specifically, the last couple of weeks with her doing so badly, I have completely dedicated my all to her. Once again, I haven't really let you in on everything lately. I think you would thank me for protecting you from just how bad it's been and my feelings and opinions about the situation. I watched my mom really take a turn for the worst. It has been the scariest and saddest time of my entire life. I have battled so many emotions, that I couldn't form a clear thought in my mind. My heart could not decide exactly what to feel. And worst of all, I have not been leaning on my faith. With mom so sick, I missed approximately 4 weeks of church. While a mature Christian could probably lean on their faith and knowledge of the Lord without ever attending church again----I am too early in my faith and ignorant on the subject of religion to not attend on a regular basis. I found myself losing hope and feeling alone, as I did in those first few dark days of my mom's sickness. While it is intimidating to walk into a packed church alone, I now know that I must. I have a sick mom and a husband that MUST work on Sundays. I cannot wait for someone to hold my hand. And, oh how I need to hear His word. I need to learn more. I have been back in church for two weeks now, and I can already tell a difference in the heaviness of my breaking heart. It truly is amazing what a wonderful church, a caring and attentive preacher, amazing people and the word of God can do for a person. Truly amazing. If you haven't been, please go to Journey Church over by East Jones Elementary. It has changed my life.

Though I am confident in the efforts I put forth for my mama  (and I wouldn't change it for the world), it leaves me guilt-stricken for my two beautiful little babies. I feel like they sometimes take a back burner to "the situation". I know that I am not what I used to be. I HATE that life has changed so much for them. I have spent the last few months feeling overwhelming guilt, yet unable to figure out how to fix it. I rarely leave my children. But sometimes dragging them along to all these dreary appointments seems worse than leaving them somewhere everyday. I never really know if I am doing the right thing. I worry about them non-stop. They are not neglected. They are not abused. But I am not what I wanted to be as a Mommy. I had higher hopes for them and higher expectations for myself. Well last week, with radiation ending and mom doing a little bit better,  I decided that I am reclaiming the ability to balance my life. I am rejuvenating my "Mommy Mojo".



We went to the park a couple of times in between appointments..............





Of course, Gammy HAD to come!

 

We finger painted pumpkins.................

 

of course, Gammy HAD to come!

 

We spent some much needed time at home...

Of course, Gammy HAD to come!

See where I'm going with this "balancing" thing? 



We made a "tent" and the girls (half naked, of course) brought every toy that they owned down the hall and put inside their cool new play zone.

We worked together to make a homemade blueberry cobbler. Then we worked together to devour it!

We called in for "reinforcement" from our cousins and besties Noah and Brady, and learned that red and yellow makes orange, as we made the best Halloween cupcakes ever!

Gammy and Nori decided to sit out on the baking process.

But they decided to help with the decorating of the cupcakes. (Conveniently stationed outside!)

Don't they look professional? Teresa's watch out!

                                        EVERYONE ENJOYED TASTING THE CUPCAKES!        

We had a SUPER FUN gathering/cookout with our other cousins and besties, Rylee and Rhett. Of course, Aunt Jamina, Nay Nay and Paw Paw were there too. 

           Daddy cooks a mean steak! Pawpaw managed to elude the camera somehow.                       

We have done TONS of learning and art activities! We have gone on a leaf scavenger hunt, then made "colors of fall" leaf collages, we have made q-tip skeletons, we colored paper plates and glued various sized triangles to make Jack-o-lanterns, and we made ghostly drawings....All of which to display around our house with various other fall/Halloween decor!

NOTE: Hideous wall-paper is not part of the spooky art display. It is just one of the many joys that our trailer offers.......

So there it is. The last couple of weeks summed up: Mom is not great, but she is a little better. We are anxiously awaiting the next two weeks to go by so that we can find out that my SIL is as healthy as ever. I am trying to learn (without a doubt) that I am not alone. I am trying to strengthen my faith and build my spiritual knowledge. I am very sad, and very scared,yet optimistic that I can handle what life throws at me. I have regained my Mommy Mojo and intend to keep it that way. My girls are getting the "me" that I wanted them to have. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to be "on" for them, when I am so "off" inside. But laying my head down on a guilt-free pillow sure makes it worth while. 

The first day of chemo starts tomorrow. Since she stopped responding to the last one, they are trying a new type. Please pray for positive results. If you see my mom, tell her how beautiful she looks with no hair. She won't believe me. 

                

I will TRY to be more dedicated to my writing.